Friday, January 06, 2006

A Celebration of the Female Body

The other day, while I was in the middle of a serious internal debate wondering if male smurfs still call sperm back up "blue balls", I heard my computer alarm me that I had a new email. As I gripped my computer mouse to check my email, the internal debate shifted from "smurfs" to wondering "how many germs were on my mouse from all the porn I "spank" to", I saw that I had received an email from a black gentleman named Jarvis from New York City. He went on to say how much he enjoyed my blog and how crazy I am, and that as a gay man he was "pleasantly surprised" at how "gay friendly" my blog was, and how homophobic other bloggers tend to be. He then asked me how I was raised, how did I become so tolerant of people with different "sexual orientations". Like trying to desperately regain an erection after clumsily pre-ejaculating, I had to think long and hard about that one. I wanted to write Jarvis back and tell him that I am the way that I am because I came from a loving home, a home that preached the equality of all people. Well, I couldn't say that, my mother was indifferent but my father's continuous response to weakness was him saying, "What are you a faggot?", so I couldn't lie to Jarvis about that one. I wanted to write Jarvis and tell him how I was tolerant and accepting because we are all gods children, giving him some saccharin PC answer that would make me look like the poster boy for progressive thought. But I couldn't lie to Jarvis, so like an uncircumcised man about to engage in intercourse, I had to give Jarvis the uncut truth.

So I responded, in my my totally honest and classless fashion, "I have always been tolerant because at an early age I knew that I loved pussy." I knew that my cryptic and crass statement would have Jarvis scratching his head a bit, and he did respond to my email with a shitload of question-marks, so I explained further. I explained to him that I wished that I could give him a wonderful answer explaining my tolerance, but the simple truth is from the time that I was 5 years old and I inappropriately stroked the legs of a 10 year old neighbor of mine named Shelly and liked it tremendously, I knew that I loved women. I went on to explain that most homophobia, as much as guys who read this will protest, is a man's fear that somewhere deep in his subconscious that he secretly craves cock. Seriously, and you can find these jackasses from them saying shit like "I'm not gay" or "No homo" after saying something very innocent like "Brad Pitt is my favorite actor." What the fuck is that? My theory is, if you are secure in your sexuality then you wouldn't give a flying fuck what other people do with their sexual organs.

That's probably not what Jarvis wanted to hear, but I had to be honest, I
knew I loved the female body when I stroked Shelly's leg and openly wondered why my "wee-wee" hurt when I did so. To this day, whether in a strip club, a cafe, the grocery store, or at a different strip club, my eyes become transfixed on the beautiful specimen of the female physique, scanning over it entirely like a metal detector and shit. I was wondering would it be alright, without getting crass and making this post masturbatory material, if I celebrated the female body and specific parts that I love? Even if your answer is "no", fuck you, I'm doing it anyway.

The small of the back: Nothing is more erotic and sexy in my honest opinion than the small of a woman's back, but there are exceptions. This particular area is a beautiful sight if it belongs to a wife, a girlfriend, or any other woman that you have a wealth of emotional attachment to. But this area tends to lose its power when it is attached to some miscellaneous piece of ass that you hardly know, or that you need a Kevlar condom to have intercourse with, the small of the back isn't as sexy in these cases. I love tattoos, I even have a few, but when a beautiful woman desecrates this wonderful area with what I call a "tramp stamp"(Tattoo on the lower back), it is the highest form of vandalism in my honest opinion. I've been told that I am as romantic as a prison rape, but I have to admit, I feel all tingly inside when I envision kissing the small of my future wife's back while a sensual Sade songs plays in the background.

Lips: Besides the actual words that come out of the ones mouth, nothing is a clearer indicator of how much someone likes you than a simple kiss. For example, I once dated an older woman who just wanted me for late-night penis and that was it, and I could tell because her kisses gave off a "Yeah, Yeah, stop kissing me and get to the thrusting" vibe to it. Then on the other side of the spectrum, I think of the way past girlfriends lips felt when they truly loved me, before they found out that I was a prick, it was amazing. I recently hung out with a Jamaican girl who praised me for not staring at her breasts the 2 hours I was talking to her, but if she realized why I was staring at her lips and the erotic thoughts that raced through my mind, the last thing she would have done was thank me. But thoughts of "mouth hugs" and hopes of her not having a "gag reflex" aside, a beautiful set of lips will drop me to my knees faster than a black republican if George Bush just entered the room.

Eyes: I once dated a local comedian who not had an acerbic wit and put me on the business end of her ridicule, she would include me in her act which was embarrassing. Usually I'd attack back with my own brand of merciless wit, but her eyes were so captivating she probably would have had the best chance to recruit me to the republican party than anyone. They say that the eyes are the window to the soul, who knows, but I do know that nothing puts a grown man in a trance faster than a beautiful pair of eyes lovingly gazing back at you across a dinner table, or mid coitus. The flip-side to that, unfortunately, is the intense look of hatred you get from a woman when you pre-ejaculate or mistakenly call her mother a heffer. Suffice it to say, I know that look very well. But since I used to rap, and I have always had a slight studder, I still laugh at the time she said, "What did they call you, MC Stammer?"

The "backyard": Like MF Doom said, and I quote, "I never met a chick who was too thick for me!" I'm not going to lie, I would love to go on a lengthy diatribe about how B.E.T's late-night show "Uncut" is deplorable in their objectification of black woman in videos. I mean, it is horrible, but I'd be lying if I said that I didn't briefly view one of those videos for a view of a well sculpted posterior, albeit momentarily.(I am a man goddammit) But seriously, even though I constantly talk about wanting a woman with a backside that "one could put a drink on", all that really isn't necessary, if you are "draggin''" a smaller "wagon" that is alright with me. Some of you are saying, "Hey, I don't have a big booty, what about me HumanityCritic?", to that I would say, "Piss off, get the fuck out of here, eat more meat and come back when you have an ass!!" Just kidding, but I do have a weakness for a woman with a "well manicured backyard" so to speak. Over the past few years I have stopped smoking, chilled out on the alcohol(to an extent), and stopped inserting myself in every questionable hole in the Hampton Roads area, but the hardest thing to give up is turning around and looking at a woman's ass after she passes me.

Legs: Did I ever tell you the story of me having sex with a 29 year old woman when I was 17?? Well, if you have time, I go into that here. She was a 29 year old house-guest of my family's when I was in High School, and lets just say I was the happiest High Schooler in the history of man.(Geez, I really hope my mom doesn't read this.) Anyway, her name was Sherry and she is the reason why I love all Canadian women and have a special attachment to woman's legs. I have a love for Canadian women(An extremely weird connection to Alanis Morrisette proves that.) because she was from Nova Scotia and she turned me into a man, like twice a day for an entire year and shit. I have a love for legs because each morning, when my parents were at work, she would cook breakfast in a very tiny skirt, exposing two pieces of heavenly bliss that I still have flashbacks about till this day about. I'm not Colonel Sanders or anything, but if I said that I was a sucker for legs it wouldn't be an understatement. Especially that erotic area right behind the knee, makes a brother want to curse out a preacher and call someone's mother a dimestore whore.(wait a minute, I've already done that.) This is embarrassing, but whenever I see a woman walking towards me, working a pair of stilettos while showing off her lovely legs, I find myself screaming "Work it! Work it!!"

Breasts: Notice how I purposely had this one at the bottom of the list, to make me seem less "scum-baggy'?(Cool, I know you would figure out my rouse). Anyway, I have to make a very bold statement, "bold" because all of my friends claim that a woman's derriere is number one on their list.(Clearing throat) OK, here goes, I'm HumanityCritic and I am a breast man, there I said it! Even though I am an equal opportunity breast enjoyer, embracing mammory's fake or real, I have to be honest and say that real breasts are my favorite. I dated a stripper named "Lexus"(go figure) and she had extremely large and fake breasts, and every time we had sex(when I wasn't spitting glitter out of my mouth) I kept feeling like I would accidentally pop them if I got too rough. Those two scoops of lustful goodness are my downfall, from the time I got sand in my eyes in elementary school and pretended to grab the nurses breasts by accident, or me paying for an extremely expensive dinner with an ass-less result just because the woman in question exposed cleavage that a midget could bungee jump off of. My therapist claims its because I'm a sex addict, and my mother claims that its because I was breast fed(Excuse me while I throw up), but I do embrace long extended hugs from women with healthy "sweater puppets".

39 comments:

J said...

DAMN, I love girls...

glory said...

i enjoyed this post. probably cause i'm so secure in my love of the male anatomy that reading about what's great about the female body doesn't give me the willies. lol!

Amadeo said...

*Standing Ovation* Much more points for using a picture of Sade as she covers 3 of my fantasy bases...she has as much hair as I do, she can sing, and she's foreign. Also paying attention to those back of the knee-type crevices has served me well.

singingnappyhead said...

you are funny to me, man. Frankly, I'm feeling this one because I come out the the winner all butt one category. *the crowd goes wild as she takes her victory lap*

golfwidow said...

Propers for saying "I had to think long and hard about that one."

ThandieLand said...

I love it when men genuinely love women! Simply the best turn on I believe.

Keep up the loving padnah, you will have some of plenty eventually ..I see you are already on your way there! :D All the while don't lie, be careful, be safe!...:D

Breez said...

"Tramp Stamp"...wow...almost as bad as my aunt calling it the "whore's scrawl". Eh, some of us do wacky things in our youth.

Paco said...

I'm gay and even I love big breasted women.

Coffey0072 said...

Three Cheers for that fatty tissue know has breasts!

josie said...

well i live men. and i love lips as well. it is just beautiful

CaffeineDiva said...

That was beautiful.
And as someone with bodacious tatas and knows you... I haven't caught you staring at the girls, and I appreciate that. But now I'm left wondering; were you staring at my mouth?
But then again, I also have a "thing" for mouths.
:)~ Great post HC

CaffeineDiva said...

BTW Paco...
What is it with gay men and breasts? I think I have been felt up by more gay men then Terri MacMillan's husband!
Someone explain!

lady in satin said...

The female physique is definitely a beautiful thing...especially when the body is in shape.

If I were a man or a lesbian, I would be a tits & ass man or lesbian...lol

there...I said it!! lol

mai said...

gotta love this post, mainly because I agree with you fully.

were I sexually attracted to women, i would agree even more. there is nothing more beautiful on the planet than the female body, and almost exactly in the order you describe it.

and frankly, i have been in serious 'like' with my own thighs for quite some time. ^_^

Reese The Law Girl said...

Chris Rock said everyone loves a big titty girl. I guess it's true...

You know what's funny about this post? You broke it down as to what parts of the body you like on a woman, but it seems like you pretty much like every part. Lol, you should have just posted a whole body and drawn arrows. It would have taken less time. ;)

VAN007 said...

"Sweater puppets"? I am still so amazed by some of the things you come up with.... I hope you don't mind if I use that.

I agree with you there is nothing more enjoyable than a woman's body. You hit the nail on the head with this one.

Kathryn said...

I almost cringed when I read the title, but I think that this is my favorite post by far. Glad you love the female body so much....gives me ammo when asking my boyfriend questions, lol.

Georgiapeach said...

Preciate the shout out!..........lol

The Urban Author said...

Wow! A-MAZE-ZING. I don't know how you do it, dude. You have an attention to detail like that of a-- (damn! you could've written somethin' so witty here!)

Nina MM said...

Love your attention to every delicious detail of the feminine physique...aren't we fabulous? :-)

britishdevil said...

it's good to hear a man praise the female form. It shows you pay close attention..always a bonus ;-)
Oh yeah thanks for stopping by my journal.

Drama Kween said...

i love when a man can appreciate a woman's body, stay sensitive to the curves :-) i holla...

Enchantress said...

You know, you made me think about your last segment. When I was coming up (man, that makes me sound old), most of the guys I knew were breasts men. It's just been recently that men are yelling, "All hail the butt." My hubby is a breast man and is now in the minority. He appreciates real over fake, too.I have to wonder if it's the mass of silicone that has hit the streets as of late? Maybe it's making men look for the "real" that's left on women. Hmmmm....

inciquay said...

As a superfine Scotian Miss,I'm taking a bow and thanking you for acknowledging our Worst-kept-secret: our superfineness ;-)

Aneka said...

Thank you for your honesty.

I really enjoyed reading this post even though you sort of dissected the female anatomy.lol

but it went beyond simple objectification I think, you made it sound like you did some dissertation on this particular topic.

kudos!

Honey-Libra said...

Interesting I'll have to pay attention to my body parts from now on lol

MSchannon said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
MSchannon said...

(Type in first attempt...sorry)

You're weird! Funny as hell and always entertaining...but weird.

And I say that with the utmost respect!

In Jamesons Veritas

Massander said...

All hail the female body! I am in awe daily. There's nothing nicer than a beautiful face though-for those times when that's all you can see. You don't want to be looking at her face but wishing her breasts were there instead! LOL

Dizzy said...

I gotta agree with you about the female body! Man, is it a beautiful sight! Two snaps and a "
DAMN", for women!

Id it is said...

Great write!
More credit to you if you could write a sequel to this post titled, ' A Celebration of the Female Brain/ Mind".

Brotha Buck said...

Course, I'm the weird bird in the bunch. This weekend, I saw a woman on a poster in the Old Navy women's panty section, and both me and my 4-year old son about melted right there. Oh. My. Gosh. Your illustrated examples are on the money! But while out, I also saw woman shaped like a pear. And there ain't nothing sexy about a pear with legs.

Chubby Chocolate said...

I thought I was the only one who thought about the countless germs on my mouse...
Written in true Nappy Diatribe fashion: Hilarious!

church of al said...

the mark of a seer is not on the forehead but on their love of breasts...

Sparkling said...

You just couldn't talk about a man's body in the same way. There is a reason why so many things are designed with the female body in mind, and none picturing the male body.

AngieMD2007 said...

absolutely loved your post! well written...and funny as hell too!!

exaltron said...

Was on a first date last friday with this little hottie talking some sex stuff and she's like "I think vaginas are ugly". I'm like "WEll, yeah, I mean some of 'em are kinda.." She's like "No, all of them are ugly, every last one".

that was the beginning of the end of that relationship.

Brother OMi said...

oh, so now you quoting MF DOOM? lol

jameil1922 said...

one of my friends' grandmother said, "girrrrrrrrl! you have a beautiful shape! come here! you need to get a tattoo right there, on the small of your back!! get it while you're young!" (notorious old negro spiritual this one is). umm.. yeah. clearly not young forever but i took her advice! and i love it! nah just kidding. no tramp stamp for me but it makes for a good story. tatted up grandmas.