Friday, January 20, 2006

"There's no Crying in the Blogisphere!!!"

I always knew that my 25 year career of sporadic violence would come back and karma-cally bite me in the ass at the end, but I didn't know in what way exactly. I remember chasing a dude named Derek three blocks with a hammer in my hand, with nothing but bad intentions flowing through my veins, I knew at the time that I would regret the violent act I was about to be a part of. When I got in a public dispute with some random woman at a club some years back, I knew that I would pay for knocking her man out, even though his only crime was being yanked on the arm by his girlfriend after she said "I bet you won't say that shit to my man!" While I was standing over a bouncer in a piss infested bathroom who I had just viciously chopped in the throat, only because he gave me some shit about wearing a "skull cap" a few days earlier at his place of employment, I knew that god would one day deal with me accordingly.

The days of me trying to act like a black version of Joe Pesci's character in "Goodfellas" long gone, despite a few scuffles here and there, I have done pretty well, I think, on my road to recovery.(Even though, I just found out how to track people back from their IP addresses who talk shit, thanks to a computer savvy friend that I have. Just imagine, me showing up on someones doorstep with a bat in my hand, with a menacing look, saying "What was that shit you said on my blog again motherfucker??" *Shaking head* Ooops, sorry, this is about recovery.) But since those days I have been waiting to see how I would be punished, it wasn't my ex leaving me because I was emotionally unavailable to her, so we're even in my opinion. No illnesses to think of, no recent ass whippings, I haven't been depressed in years, I was staring to think that god gave Humanity F. Critic a pass on my violent outbursts.

But the man above having a sense of humor, over the past few months, hit me with the biggest punishment a wanna-be macho asshole like myself could stand. So big in fact, it took me a few weeks to even start writing this post and openly admit to something so embarrassing. Here goes: Over the past few months, for some reason or another, I have started crying at the most inopportune moments. It's pathetic, I can't even use it as a ploy to get miscellaneous pieces of ass because I am the ugliest cry-er in the world. So ugly that a makeup-less Mary J. Blige would even say that I'm an ugly cry-er, that's bad.

Cooley High: I love this movie, and must have seen it about 100 times so far. Even though I have heard a hand full of black folks diss it over the past few years as being "blaxploitation", I think it is a great coming age film, a true teen flick a decade before John Hughes Directed "16 Candles"(Interesting Tidbit: The star of this movie, Glenn Turman, was originally cast in the role of Han Solo but George Lucas later changed his mind and decided to cast Harrison Ford.) Anyway, they were having a black film fest in my city a few months back and I decided to see it solely because they were showing "Coley High". I just thought it would be cool seeing one of my favorite movies on a full movie screen, plus, seeing 6 foot Afro's is never a bad thing in my honest opinion. So I go to the theater with a couple of my boys, Frank, who is a 14 year veteran of the marines, and Johnny, a pediatrician who wouldn't have any clients if those parents knew all the shit we got into growing up. We all sat down and I'm armed with quite the arsenal of popcorn, drink, a small bottle of Jack Daniels to put in said drink, I was set. The movie was great, even though I had seen it about 100 times before, then it happened! Something that I didn't expect, especially from a person who could recite the script verbatim as if I had written it myself, but I felt a huge lump in my throat when Cochise died. I tried to suppress it, breathing deeply, shaking my head vigorously, but nothing happened. Tears flowed down my face, I sat there motionless, hoping that my uber macho posse wouldn't notice. I thought it worked, until Frank loudly asked, "Are you crying motherfucker??" Then went on to alarm the rest of the crowd, like they were all high school friends of our and shit, "Hey y'all, do any of you have a tissue for HumanityCritic, my little sister?" For someone with a pretty quick wit, I pretty much took their shit because I was as shocked as anyone. Shit, when we all went out to eat later and they pointed me in the direction of a Bridal dress store I still lacked a significant retort.

"The Office": Even though I respect the American incarnation of "The Office", Steve Carrell is brilliant, just see his performance in the "40 Year old Virgin" to be a witness to his genius. But nothing beats, in my opinion, the original version starring Ricky Gervais, who plays the role of "clueless boss" with utter perfection. The way his employees loathe him, the pregnant pauses after his unfunny jokes, the delusional thoughts that he has that he is well respected, all that is what makes this show a gem in my opinion. I bet you are asking yourself, "why in the world would HC cry over this show?" Good question, let me explain. A running theme throughout this show is the attraction between two characters named Tim and Dawn. Even though Tim knows that his love for Dawn will never be realized because Dawn is marrying a douche-bag named Lee, he foolishly declares his love for her right before she goes off with Lee to America. She turns him down flat(remember, this show is supposed to be a faux documentary, so Tim is embarrassed on television) Fast forward the following Christmas, when Dawn is invited back to England to attend a Christmas party her old job is having.(Fuck!! This has become a soap opera) To make a long story short, on her way back home from the party, in the cab realizing how much Tim loved her and supported her and how her current boyfriend didn't, she returns to the party and gives Tim a loving kiss and embrace. As I saw that, sitting beside a chick who I had planned on seeing parts of her only her OB/GYN and maybe a million other guys have seen, I didn't realize that tears were strolling down my face. I screamed, "What in the fuck is happening??!!", in which she honestly answered, "Aww that's cute, it really is. I'm just not fucking you now, Pussy!!"

Hurricane Katrina: When it comes to someone passing, I have a weird and unexpected way of mourning. When my old man died I pretty much cried immediately, balling my eyes out to A Tribe Called Quest's "Scenario" remix outside of the hospital he was being treated at. When Buddy died, I didn't find myself crying until about a month later, in the shower getting ready for a date. Even though those were people that I loved and cared about that actually passed, I never thought that I would release the same fluids from my tear ducts concerning Hurricane Katrina.

After watching my helpless brothers and sister suffer in what is supposed to be the richest nation in the world, seeing Bush "Barney Fife" his way through another crisis, and seeing images of bodies floating in the diseased infested waters of New Orleans definitely outraged me to no end. I did what I could in the days surrounding Katrina, gave what I could like most of you did. But it didn't really hit me until we had band practice over Mitch's house(our drummer) one humid night. As the rest of the guys were in the other room chatting, throwing back a few beers, I am in our practice room watching the coverage and talking to Mitch's 13 year old daughter, Michelle, at the same time. My eyes glued on the screen, not believing how my people were being treated in this country, then all of a sudden she starts playing the piano and singing a song. Innocent enough, until I started hearing the words of the song, it was Stevie Wonder's "Misrepresented People". She began to sing the following:

In 1492 you came upon these shores.
Seven hundred years, educated by the moors;
17th Century-- genocide and the gun
Middle Passage blessed to market the Africans.

In the so-called “Land of God”
My kind were treated hard.
From back then until now
I see, and you agree--
We have been a misrepresented people.

From back then until now
Just see my family tree;
We have been a misrepresented people.
We have been a misrepresented people

With those harmonious yet haunting words coming from this childs mouth, on top of the sight of the people of New Orleans fighting for their lives, begging, pleading, I put my head in my hands and began to weep uncontrollably. Michelle put her arm around me and said, "It will be alright HumanityCritic", to where I responded "It's not that.." She said, "What do you mean?", in which I replied, "Do you know how hard it's going to be for me to get any random "internet patch" after women read this??" Hey, I never said that I was a fucking role model.


The Future said...

Ok, I can understand about being upset over Katrina, but godamnit man, Cooley High, Cooley Fucking High. I used to look up to you, I respected you, but now this. Man get your ass to a shrink and sort this pansy ass type behavior out. On the real though, another funny post, now go get a tissue.

chele said...

Is it really such a bad thing to admit your human? and getting older? and more sensitive? sounds like your turning into a woman ... we still love you!

Closet Owner said...

Nice post.

I feel ya on the N.O. It is right down the road, and to watch us suffer like that had me bent up and angery for weeks.

fran said...

Ahh everybody cries sometime! :) I actually love it when a man can cry sometimes and show his feelings, not always trying to be the macho mero mero you know! :)

SmartBlkWoman said...

I cry at the most inoportune moments also. I even cry at folks funerals that I never met.

Don't worry too much about your crying spells. They'll pass but always remember....real men cry in the dark.

Just joking.....or maybe not.

Rachel said...

I understand the Hurrican Katrina thing, but I do find the other two cases amusing. If you were a chick, people would just say that you were PMSing. I think men have that too.....thier hormones get all out of control and they chase people with hammers or cry at teen flicks. LOL!

VAN007 said...

I never had a problem with a man crying, crying is quite natural. I don't understand why men feel the need to hold it in.... ok, yes I do... I'm not a man but I try to unsucessfully fight the crying spells. I saw "Love Actually" last week and stood in front of the TV and cried after it went off. I was alone, but if I were around people I would have tried to fight it.

mai said...

Katrina? yes, m'dear.
Cooley High? that's a tough one, but okay, if you're feeling nostalgic, maybe.

The Office?

damn. you need a hug. or something. i don't know.

Starla Spaulding said...

I was told by my guy friends that it's acceptable for guys to cry during the movie, "Brian's Song".

Rosie Greer sang the song "It's alright to cry". I doubt anyone would make fun of him to his face.

Crying is very cleansing for your soul.

Reese The Law Girl said...

My mother said never trust a man who cries unless it's over sports or his mama just died.

Considering the second to last line of your post, I guess she was right.


MacMarv said...

Violent a** *laffs*

David said...

Hmmm, I am wondering what has happened in your life recently to cause you to cry more easily than usual. It sounds like you have no clue. Perhaps there is something subconcious that has been triggered recently that is trying to come out.

Well, I'm not a big cryer, but I shed a few tears on occasion. It doesn't tend to happen when I am sad though. Its usually triggered by something I see in a movie or TV show, probably combined with some really emotional soundtrack. I have a really soft spot for kids, especially sick or dying kids. Shows with that sort of storyline usually get me going.

So, you are into 6 foot afros eh? I remember how popular afros were in the '70's. The kids would always dress up for school in their best jeans and wide lapel polyester shirts when they wore their afros. They were usually on their best behavior too (no fighting). I guess they didn't want to dirty their best clothes and dent their fros. Hey, maybe an afro is just what you need for your new non-violent persona. How long did you say your dreds are? I'll bet you could have one hell of an afro if you could undred your head! ;)

rivka said...


Nikki said...

I was with you on Cooley High and Katrina. You're human, you have feelings. But The Office? I think we need to get you to another therapist.

Justin said...

They screened Cooley High at my film school but I was busy shmokin' the weed most likely.

The was I heard the star wars thing was, Glenn or whoever didn't show up. Harrison Ford was working as an on-set carpenter and Lucas cast him on the spot. It doesn't matter. Anybody could do it. George can't write for shit.

josie said...

it aint that bad man. So you cry some tears. it catch you off guard. some moments that called for crying is ok. but don't let that be the new trend for the new year.
i wanted to cry the other day but i suppress it so well that i haven't as yet.

MindRhythms said...

Awwwww... and don't you feel so much better after good cry. Lyfe Jenning said it best.. "It's like taking your soul to the Laundramat"... Go on and Cry!!! Peace!

What!!What!! said...

Grat post man.. Oh yeah, according to IMDB, you are right about the Star Wars thing.

Jdid said...

I think I'm getting there too. I havent cried since 1991 but occasionally these days I be get these lumps while watching emotional b.s on tv. maybe its like a changle of life thing or something but dammit I hope it goes away.

damn seems i missed the rap cypher (last post) oh well next time.

Nia said...

Maybe it'll pass...I know maybe you're just emotional? If not you just have to switch gears a bit...there are plenty of women that like that whole sensitive man shit.

Toya said...

man, i always cry when Cochise die in "Cooley High" too, i can't help it!'s based on a true story! the screen writer for it was the Preach character, and there was a Cooley High high school in Chicago (Chi-Town! not anymore though, my mama said they closed it down in the 70's)...but then again, i cried at "The Lion King" when Mufasa died...but see that was sad too!

Breez said...

I can relate to all those things. But then again, I'm sort of a wimp. And by sort of, I mean complete and total. Any extreme emotional setting and I'm tearful.

alli-babe said...

I would never say your not what you say you are...2 minute-childs dick-angry-loc'd-fighting machine-man....but I would say your human and after a while...I knew you'd write something to prove to me I was right...HC has a heart and can be empathetic.

Me on the other hand..hate crying, shows my weakness and my lack of control of my feelings and is not tolerable....for me. LOL

Girl With An Alibi said...

I think it's kinda sexy that you cry. 'Course I've been known to cry at toilet paper commercials so you can't really go by me.

jameil1922 said...

hahahahahahaha. so i know as you're moderating, you're like why fresh hell is this chick (now you're like wait, you're a chick??) sittin here goin thru all my old posts. well, hc, i'm on beer number 2, number 3 is callin my name, i'm off tomorrow, waiting on the b.f. to call, and needing a good laugh. you know tv and good for shit.

the whole man crying thing. its ok when we're cool like that, you know in a committed relationship at all. but other than that i'm like brutally honest chick and totally turned off by that shit. like wtf???? does he do this allll the time?? uh uh i can't be a kleenex 24-7.

but that katrina shit was beautiful til you fucked it up. then it became hilarious.

BLESSD1 said...

Dude...I've even cried at "joyous occaisions". Wait...what's that sound? Oh...that's the sound any chance of my bedding some sweet internet patch drying up! LOL! Excellent post, HC