When creating art whether it be a painting or a Hip Hop verse, even though you might have worked long and hard on it, sometimes there has to be a time when you are just flat out honest with yourself. You have to look at what you have just created, and if you feel that it is a piece of crap then you must tear it down, regardless of how painful that may be, and start all over again. That is how I currently feel about my therapy sessions, my quest of rehabilitating myself into a kinder, more gentler HumanityCritic and resolve some of my anger issues. I've have come to the realization after the past weekend that I like being angry, I function better when I'm pissed off, and as long as my actions don't land me in a "fuck me in the ass" penal system then who fucking cares. Let me tell you what happened to spark this "moment of clarity" if you will.
Saturday I had to get some gas something terrible, since I know that a grown man pushing his car is hardly the sexiest thing a potential female suitor could set her eyes on. So as I paid for the petro, I started to innocently flirt with the cashier that I had talked to a million times before. Sure she is beautiful, and sure I don't have a snowballs chance in hell with her, so the impossibility of me ever entering her vaginally has reduced my game spitting skills to submarine levels such as "When are we gonna fuck girl? I promise, it will be quick and you won't feel a thing!!" She finds my brand of bullshit funny, and since there wasn't anyone in line I felt obligated to bombard her with as many sexually uncomfortable innuendos that a masturbating master like myself could muster. Scratch that, there was a guy behind me but he wasn't technically in line, he was scratching lottery tickets. Anyway, in the middle of my sentence I stammered over a couple of words(as a kid I was a big studderer. It has gotten much better since then, but occasionally it rears its ugly head) and this motherfucker behind me had the audacity to mock me, going "Cha-Cha.. hee-hee"
My friends tease me about my speech impediment all the time, I would be crazy to feel sensitive toward it since I am an amazingly insensitive prick myself.(I once told an ex, after sex, "You're money is on the table. Scram!" She didn't find that funny) But this dude wasn't a friend, and the mere fact that his main goal was to embarrass me in front of a girl that I had visions of giving me eyerolling mouth-hugs to some drunken night, I was pissed off. So I calmly turned to him and asked him, "How old are you dude?", because I had to make sure he was of legal age first. He said, "I'm 20 years old, why you want to know asshole??. I smiled and said, "Good", then I elbowed him in the chest knocking him back into the convenience store isle, tipping the shit over completely. He looked like he wanted to get up and I angrily screamed, "Get up and I will make your ass squeal like Ned Beatty's character in deliverance motherfucker!!" As I left the store feeling good about getting that anger out, I thought 2 things: 1: How nerdy am I to spout a movie reference during a "tough guy" rant and 2: Maybe I should think before I speak, because Ned Beatty's character DID get ass-raped in Deliverance.
So fuck it, I'm not sitting on anyone's couch any more, I'm going to embrace the fact that sometimes in my life I'm just going to have to put some random individuals on their ass. Matter of fact, in honor of me embracing my "inner asshole", here is a list of people I would love to punch in the face.
Bill O'Reilly: How do I hate thee, let me count the motherfucking ways. I always hated bullies, to the point that 99.9% of the fights that I had in High School and college were against men who were bullies in some form or fashion. Bill O'Reilly is the worst sort of bully, loudly talking over guests who are putting him on the business end of a beating in the argument department, even using the tactic of finger pointing and leaning in on the person he is talking to as a form of "intimidation". Besides this guy being a steaming pile of crap which is enough of a reason to hate this lecherous son of a bitch, the mere fact that mindless masses follow this jackass is unbelievable since he is a proven liar.
How would HumanityCritic handle him? I think I would go undercover as some sort of Black Republican group president and be a guest on his show.(How hard is it to pretend to be a black republican anyway. Just wear blackface, learn how to "soft shoe", act like I don't have an actually backbone, and publicly do some sell out shit and act like Condi Rice is the equivalent to Harriet fucking Tubman) As Bill begins to ask me questions I would interrupt him and say, "Bill, shut your ass up!", and hop over his desk and pound him into oblivion screaming "Andrea Makris sent me motherfucker!!"(The chick he sexually harassed a couple of years ago.) Granted, the move would get me pummelled beyond belief by his security guys, but it would be so worth it.
Jim Jones: This scumbag is "wackness" personified, and nothing would make me happier than chopping him in the throat with pin point accuracy. For one thing, if you ever hear this guy talk he acts like he is the toughest, grimeyest dude in the world, so the incentive to make him shrivel up in the fetal position is appealing as a motherfucker. Even though there are a lot of wack rappers who I want to punch, like Young Jeezy to Mike Jones, Jim Jones' wackness just puts me in an uber violent mood to be honest with you. Case in point, I was getting my beard trimmed last week when a guy came in and gave out a Jim Jones Sampler CD to everyone, including myself. I planned on throwing it away later, but as this kid went on and on about "how dope" Jim Jones was and how "underrated" he was as an MC, I just snapped. So when he asked me, "Hey Dread, how do you feel about Jim Jones??", I simply responded by saying "Ok" and walking into the doorway and violently throwing the entire CD into the street. "That's how I feel about Jim Jones!!" I said, also to add a dramatic flavor to my psychosis I started to wash my hands aggressively. Also, the other day I saw him on a MTV2 roundtable discussion on the "year in Hip Hop" where he was an absolute douchebag, and if I was there we would have definitely ended up beating the perm off that jackass.
How would HumanityCritic handle him? Again with the infiltration, but I would act like a rabid Jim Jones fan in the audience of TRL. As one of the hosts turns to Jim Jones and says, "Jim, one of your die hard fans has a question to ask you!" As he agrees to take a question, I would emerge from the crowd with a staler-like fan expression on my face and say: "J-J-Jim J-Jones, I was wondering..." Then he would say, "Yeah?", to which my voice would suddenly get deeper and I would say, "I was wondering if you have ever got your ass beaten on National Television?? Riverside motherfucker!!" Then I would beat his ass as usually cherry TRL kids formed a barrier around the both of us, shielding off security as I took Jim Jones jewelry and beat his ass for every time I heard one of his wack songs or saw one of his bullshit videos. Even though that footage wouldn't get aired, I would post it on my blog where I know you kind folks would seriously critique it, and give me pointers on my fighting technique. Hey, a brother has to tighten up for when I beat up "Dem Franchize Boyz"
Sean Combs: You know, I don't have any particular ill will directed at Puffy, I just think it would be fun to beat his ass that's all. Well there are a few things that makes him a bona fide recipient of my size 11's though, like how even when he is doing something charitable like a Katrina fund raiser or trying to get kids to vote, it always seems like he is doing it just to garner publicity. I guess I could beat his ass based on the fact that I hold the "he had biggie killed to further his bullshit rap career" conspiracy theory close to my heart. Besides, being a fan of the almighty Rakim, I find it damn near impossible not to get pissed off when Puffy says that "Biggie was the best ever" as if it was a world wide opinion. Ok, I'm pissed now.
How would HumanityCritic handle him? I would do what I had to do and be a finalist on one of his "Making the Band" shows. My rap name would be "Critic the chronic masturbator", one of the only rappers in Puffy's "super group" as he would constantly say. One day when we are in the studio and he calls himself trying to call me out for not "bringing the fire" on a lyrical level, I would emerge from the vocal booth saying "Did you hear your verse in SuperCat's "Dolly My baby"? You don't have the right to comment on anyone's lyrics!" As he would try to save face in front of the camera and act all bad, I would take a Biggie platinum plaque off the wall and smash him over the head with it. I would get arrested, I know that, but wouldn't me being hauled off by security screaming "You killed Biggie motherfucker!!" be great T.V??
Guy down the street: Like a vegetarian community that just had a Burger King built nearby, I never thought that I would have beef in my own neighborhood. Let me explain. This dude down the street didn't know he was talking to a chick that I am friendly with, so when he said "Why did they let "his kind" in our neighborhood??" he didn't know that it would get back to me. But it did, and when I saw him at my local bar and told him that if he didn't keep my name out of his mouth that I would beat him within an inch of his life, he seemed rather receptive and accommodating. As time has gone by, the image of me about to beat his ass creeping out of his scull, and feeling embarrassed about how he buckled like a belt, his behavior recently tells me that an ass whippin' might be on the menu for the shmuck in question. For one thing he told somebody that he would kick my ass, also pointed at his confederate flag as I drove by one day. Yeah, this one has the realistic possibility of actually happening.
How would HumanityCritic handle him? I'm not, he's a cop. But I guess I will revisit this one when he retires from the force in a few months..