Breaking down Sports Television

I guess a man realizes that he is an alcoholic when he starts to shake uncontrollably when he goes days without having a drink, a person realizes that they are addicted to porn when they can't have sex without referring to their genitalia as their "beef stick" or "man meat". I guess I realized that I was a sports addict when I gave up a night of hot passionate sexual fluid swapping with a hot brazilian chick named Marta, to watch a Lakers game.(But then again maybe it was for the best, because I don't really think me wearing three rubbers and ejaculating during foreplay would be all that impressive to the beauty from Brazil) When it comes to sports I'm like a women in a triple penetration porn, I'm pretty much open for anything. Track and Field, Football, Basketball, Baseball(primarily playoffs and world series), Tennis, I'm definitely an all out sports whore. But the problem is, especially being a black sports fan, is the way that the sports media treats the black athlete. Just look at the double standards and the way the sports media breaks down black athletes and white athletes.(Yes, I'm about to play the "race card". But I have a Royal Flush and I'm playing with house money motherfucker, what!!) When Terrel Owens rehabbed himself to the point that he was able to play in the SuperBowl last year he was called "selfish", Brett Favre does the same thing and it's considered "heroic", showing his true "passion" for the game. I'm no apologist for Ron Artest, but the way he's portrayed in the media you would think that that motherfucker had a nasty habit of torturing puppies and killing nuns on the weekends. A guy like Bill Romanowski who fought teammates, kicked an opposing player in the head, spat in someones face during a game, broke a quarterback's jaw by administering an illegal hit on him, dished out numerous other illegal hits, hit a player in the crotch with a football, and ended the career of an up and coming teammate by punching him and shattering his eye socket. That sure is a laundry list of offenses, and even though Romanowski is considered a "bad apple" in sports circles, he is no way considered the uncaged animal that Artest is.

(Climbing off of soapbox) My bad, but I guess you can see how I feel that the sports media is as inept as our new media. So what I will do, if you are kind enough to read my brand of bullshit, is to break down a few sports shows.

Cold Pizza:(ESPN 10am-12 noon) I guess this show was invented for the countless amount of sheep out there, me included, that find themselves watching Sportscenter 5 times in a fucking row. I used to think that this show was horrible, the co-hosts had as much chemistry as a prison rape, and most of their segments were corny and eye rolling. The show is still pretty corny, but they made some improvements with better segments and a few cast changes. The worst part of the show is when the host refers to these two elderly sportswriters named Skip Bayless and Woody Paige for their commentary about everything sports. For one thing, they remind you of those two old fucks in the balcony who used to talk shit on "The Muppet Show", only those puppets at least were entertaining. Skip Bayless is so uptight you would think the man hadn't taken a healthy shit for years, and Woody Paige has a Kobe hatred that is pretty impressive in a world full of Bryant Detractors.(I even think he called Bryant a rapist on one show. Way to be objective Tom Brokaw!!). The host Jay Crawford does a good job, sifting through bad segments and restraining himself from smacking the piss out of people who say incredibly stupid shit within his arms reach. The co-host Dana Jacobson does a decent job as well, but she sticks in my mind for a totally different reason. I was sitting in the waiting room at my dentists office and this show was on one of the TVs. She did a segment where she was testing some work out equipment or something, and the words "That white girl sure has a lotta ass! God damn!!" escaped my pie hole. Pretty inappropriate, especially considering that I was sitting across from a nun and a small child. Rating: 6

Jim Rome is Burning:(ESPN 4:30 pm-5) OK, I'm a 32 year old child who laughs at farting sounds like any other emotionally crippled motherfucker you can find, but when I hear the title "Jim Rome is Burning" I can't help to think of him having a horrible venereal disease. I'm not a big fan of this guy primarily because his show is a 30 minute excuse to bash as many athletes as possible. Sometimes he's on point, but I have seen him cover athletes who have done remarkable things and he will bring up that persons past "jail time" or their past addiction to pain killers, just to knock that individual down a peg or two. I think that Jim Rome was the kid that got picked on, receiving daily beatdowns with Mailman like regularity, so as an adult he has to exercise those demons by ripping into athletes who aren't in his face at the time. Maybe I'm being an asshole here, but you know that you have a crappy show when that "Blind Date" motherfucker(Roger Lodge) is part of your silly daily sports round table. Rating: 4

Around the Horn:(ESPN 5pm-5:30) Even though this show was much better with it's original host Max Kellerman because he seemed to have a considerable amount of sports knowledge, I never really dug this show to be honest. You have a host that dishes out points for relevant arguments, and 4 journalists who debate the sports topics of the day, trying to get enough points so they can end the show with a rant of their choice. The idea really isn't a bad one, but the panelists have such unflappable opinions that you know what's going to come out of their mouths before they utter it. If the topic is Kobe then you know who is going to bash him, one guy hates Barry Bonds so you know what his opinion will always be, it starts to have the entertainment value of a Steve Harvey movie. Rating: 6

Quite Frankly with Stephen A. Smith:(ESPN 11:00pm-12): This son of a bitch is loud, obnoxious, talks over people, and I guess that's why I kind of like him. This show is alright, but his condescending demeanor and know-i-all attitude can get as tired as a narcoleptic marathon runner. He sometimes gives a shitty interview, and he will preface future statements with "I'm just going to flat out say it!" like he is about to say something controversial, but it ends up being as unimpressive as that fucking "Transporter" sequel. One thing I don't respect about him is, he rips people with the same vacuousness as Jim Rome(if not more), but when that particular athlete comes on he buckles like a belt and doesn't interview them with the same passion that he criticized them with. The other night, as I watched him give a very flowery interview to Kobe Bryant, I really thought that Steven A. was going to ask Kobe if he could service him orally. I say that because he was one of Kobe's most outspoken critics, as recently as this past summer. Rating: 7

Pardon the Interruption:(ESPN 5:30-6) I am a big fan of objectivity, I always have been. I used to hate the Detroit Pistons teams as a kid that would be a thorn in the side of my Lakers and those early Micheal Jordan led Bulls teams, but I had to give it up and admit that they were an excellent team. I hate the rapper Cam'ron and think he is a utter waste of sperm, but I had to admit that I thought he did a good acting job in the movie "Paid in Full".(Then again, he was playing a Ghetto Douche bag. Not exactly a "stretch") What I like about these two gentlemen, Micheal Wilbon and Tony Kornheiser, is that you never know how they will address a topic. They have great chemistry together, and they are so objective that if you see enough of their shows you can actually see them come around on an athlete or a player that they once dissed. Micheal Wilbon gets props from me because unlike many house negro sports journalists out there who don't want to risk the comfort of the "massa's" big house, he will actually address race issues openly and honestly. Not only that, I feel like he is family because like myself, he feels that many problems can be solved by a simple "Beat down". I must admit, Tony Kornheiser is the only white man that can spout out Hip Hop slang and I won't totally want to vomit. Rating: 9