Wednesday, February 01, 2006

Breaking down Sports Television

I guess a man realizes that he is an alcoholic when he starts to shake uncontrollably when he goes days without having a drink, a person realizes that they are addicted to porn when they can't have sex without referring to their genitalia as their "beef stick" or "man meat". I guess I realized that I was a sports addict when I gave up a night of hot passionate sexual fluid swapping with a hot brazilian chick named Marta, to watch a Lakers game.(But then again maybe it was for the best, because I don't really think me wearing three rubbers and ejaculating during foreplay would be all that impressive to the beauty from Brazil) When it comes to sports I'm like a women in a triple penetration porn, I'm pretty much open for anything. Track and Field, Football, Basketball, Baseball(primarily playoffs and world series), Tennis, I'm definitely an all out sports whore. But the problem is, especially being a black sports fan, is the way that the sports media treats the black athlete. Just look at the double standards and the way the sports media breaks down black athletes and white athletes.(Yes, I'm about to play the "race card". But I have a Royal Flush and I'm playing with house money motherfucker, what!!) When Terrel Owens rehabbed himself to the point that he was able to play in the SuperBowl last year he was called "selfish", Brett Favre does the same thing and it's considered "heroic", showing his true "passion" for the game. I'm no apologist for Ron Artest, but the way he's portrayed in the media you would think that that motherfucker had a nasty habit of torturing puppies and killing nuns on the weekends. A guy like Bill Romanowski who fought teammates, kicked an opposing player in the head, spat in someones face during a game, broke a quarterback's jaw by administering an illegal hit on him, dished out numerous other illegal hits, hit a player in the crotch with a football, and ended the career of an up and coming teammate by punching him and shattering his eye socket. That sure is a laundry list of offenses, and even though Romanowski is considered a "bad apple" in sports circles, he is no way considered the uncaged animal that Artest is.

(Climbing off of soapbox) My bad, but I guess you can see how I feel that the sports media is as inept as our new media. So what I will do, if you are kind enough to read my brand of bullshit, is to break down a few sports shows.

Cold Pizza:(ESPN 10am-12 noon) I guess this show was invented for the countless amount of sheep out there, me included, that find themselves watching Sportscenter 5 times in a fucking row. I used to think that this show was horrible, the co-hosts had as much chemistry as a prison rape, and most of their segments were corny and eye rolling. The show is still pretty corny, but they made some improvements with better segments and a few cast changes. The worst part of the show is when the host refers to these two elderly sportswriters named Skip Bayless and Woody Paige for their commentary about everything sports. For one thing, they remind you of those two old fucks in the balcony who used to talk shit on "The Muppet Show", only those puppets at least were entertaining. Skip Bayless is so uptight you would think the man hadn't taken a healthy shit for years, and Woody Paige has a Kobe hatred that is pretty impressive in a world full of Bryant Detractors.(I even think he called Bryant a rapist on one show. Way to be objective Tom Brokaw!!). The host Jay Crawford does a good job, sifting through bad segments and restraining himself from smacking the piss out of people who say incredibly stupid shit within his arms reach. The co-host Dana Jacobson does a decent job as well, but she sticks in my mind for a totally different reason. I was sitting in the waiting room at my dentists office and this show was on one of the TVs. She did a segment where she was testing some work out equipment or something, and the words "That white girl sure has a lotta ass! God damn!!" escaped my pie hole. Pretty inappropriate, especially considering that I was sitting across from a nun and a small child. Rating: 6

Jim Rome is Burning:(ESPN 4:30 pm-5) OK, I'm a 32 year old child who laughs at farting sounds like any other emotionally crippled motherfucker you can find, but when I hear the title "Jim Rome is Burning" I can't help to think of him having a horrible venereal disease. I'm not a big fan of this guy primarily because his show is a 30 minute excuse to bash as many athletes as possible. Sometimes he's on point, but I have seen him cover athletes who have done remarkable things and he will bring up that persons past "jail time" or their past addiction to pain killers, just to knock that individual down a peg or two. I think that Jim Rome was the kid that got picked on, receiving daily beatdowns with Mailman like regularity, so as an adult he has to exercise those demons by ripping into athletes who aren't in his face at the time. Maybe I'm being an asshole here, but you know that you have a crappy show when that "Blind Date" motherfucker(Roger Lodge) is part of your silly daily sports round table. Rating: 4

Around the Horn:(ESPN 5pm-5:30) Even though this show was much better with it's original host Max Kellerman because he seemed to have a considerable amount of sports knowledge, I never really dug this show to be honest. You have a host that dishes out points for relevant arguments, and 4 journalists who debate the sports topics of the day, trying to get enough points so they can end the show with a rant of their choice. The idea really isn't a bad one, but the panelists have such unflappable opinions that you know what's going to come out of their mouths before they utter it. If the topic is Kobe then you know who is going to bash him, one guy hates Barry Bonds so you know what his opinion will always be, it starts to have the entertainment value of a Steve Harvey movie. Rating: 6

Quite Frankly with Stephen A. Smith:(ESPN 11:00pm-12): This son of a bitch is loud, obnoxious, talks over people, and I guess that's why I kind of like him. This show is alright, but his condescending demeanor and know-i-all attitude can get as tired as a narcoleptic marathon runner. He sometimes gives a shitty interview, and he will preface future statements with "I'm just going to flat out say it!" like he is about to say something controversial, but it ends up being as unimpressive as that fucking "Transporter" sequel. One thing I don't respect about him is, he rips people with the same vacuousness as Jim Rome(if not more), but when that particular athlete comes on he buckles like a belt and doesn't interview them with the same passion that he criticized them with. The other night, as I watched him give a very flowery interview to Kobe Bryant, I really thought that Steven A. was going to ask Kobe if he could service him orally. I say that because he was one of Kobe's most outspoken critics, as recently as this past summer. Rating: 7

Pardon the Interruption:(ESPN 5:30-6) I am a big fan of objectivity, I always have been. I used to hate the Detroit Pistons teams as a kid that would be a thorn in the side of my Lakers and those early Micheal Jordan led Bulls teams, but I had to give it up and admit that they were an excellent team. I hate the rapper Cam'ron and think he is a utter waste of sperm, but I had to admit that I thought he did a good acting job in the movie "Paid in Full".(Then again, he was playing a Ghetto Douche bag. Not exactly a "stretch") What I like about these two gentlemen, Micheal Wilbon and Tony Kornheiser, is that you never know how they will address a topic. They have great chemistry together, and they are so objective that if you see enough of their shows you can actually see them come around on an athlete or a player that they once dissed. Micheal Wilbon gets props from me because unlike many house negro sports journalists out there who don't want to risk the comfort of the "massa's" big house, he will actually address race issues openly and honestly. Not only that, I feel like he is family because like myself, he feels that many problems can be solved by a simple "Beat down". I must admit, Tony Kornheiser is the only white man that can spout out Hip Hop slang and I won't totally want to vomit. Rating: 9

20 comments:

Amadeo said...

Skip Bayless has such an unnatural hatred of T.O. I think he must be in love with him.

I too agree with the Wilbon philosphy of a good beatdown and it tickles me to hear Kornheiser give "shouts to his peeps".

nikki said...

skip bayless looks like a puppet, too. all that makeup and it does NOTHING for his looks. and i think half the time he disagrees with woody because if he agreed, folks would assume skip wanted to fuck woody, which i don't think would be too far an assumption to make.

jim rome is a douche. next.

i used to watch around the horn when it first hit the air, but i don't check it out as much as i used to. it's just as you said...the same cats rant about the same shit, have the same opinion day in and day out. they're just massaging their egos on that show. it's not like they're even trying to be persuasive at this point. they're not trying to convince you their point is correct. they know they're right and if you don't agree, that means you're an idiot. i will say that dialogue they had regarding the saints leaving new orleans was pretty hot. michael smith ripped all those cats a new one, he was so pissed.

i remember when stephen a. smith was on 'best damn sports show period'. he and salley used to get into it all the time. that's when i realized smith was little more than alot of hot air. salley always called him on his shit and smith would get pissed off about it like a little bitch. meanwhile, he NEVER gave any information that the casual basketball fan wouldn't have found out if he or she picked up a newspaper. in other words, cat is redundant. LOUDLY redundant.

pardon the interruption is my favorite sports show. you pointed out all the reasons why...great chemistry between tony and mike, the segments are awesome (i especially love good cop/bad cop cuz they've gotta defend a position even if they don't agree with it personally), and mike pulls out that race card with authority, like an ace of spades he's about to slap down on the table to finalize the boston he just ran on the chumps playing against him.

but where is 'best damn sports show period'? while i think the folk there have to be surgically extricated from pete rose's nutsack, they give some decent interviews and john salley makes that show. his daily battles with rodney peete are funny as hell. it's kinda like watching the brotha with the ghetto pass get into a verbal battle with the brotha whose only knowledge of the ghetto came from watching 'good times'. it was better when john kruk and tom arnold and michael irvin were on the show, but it ain't bad now.

**RPM** said...

The other night, as I watched him give a very flowery interview to Kobe Bryant, I really thought that Steven A. was going to ask Kobe if he could service him orally.

You know, I was running when I saw the re-run of this interview on ESPN, and I nearly broke a leg, staring at the screen in awe, thinking something relatively along the same lines.

Great post.

Reese The Law Girl said...

I like how you rate so many of these shows based on their "Kobe-love." ;)

I LOVE PTI. I was tivo-ing it every day, but it became a bit much. But, I still try and watch it as much as possible. ATH was better with Kellerman and the dude with the dreads (I can't believe I can't remember his name. Was it Micheal Smith?).

I saw Steven A. Smith a few years back co-hosting the NBA draft. He was ripping Jay Bilas a new one for something. It seems like he's always about to make someone feel really stupid. Although I haven't really watched his show on ESPN, I love him for his usual brutal honesty. Can't speak for how he may have interviewed Kobe, though.

Inside Man said...

I like Steven A. Smith because he exposes how unintelligent some of Pro Sports coaches and executives are. Since most of these people are white it's sort of strategic way of "sticking it to the man." For instance when he slammed on Larry Brown for sabotaging the Olympic team with bad coaching. He coached horribly and his ability to adjust our defensive posture in the Olympics was a debauchery.

example:
-Lithuania hit an ungodly 21 3-pts on us!
-We lost to Puerto Rico?
-Benching Carmelo/Starting Carlos boozer

The caliber of players we had should of mopped the Europeans with drano, but they were coached by the worst leadership in Olympics history.

PTI is an excellent show. I've been following Kornheiser and Wilbon for years in the Washington Post. They're probably the best sports writers in country. When they got thier own show it was icing on the cake.

GreatOne said...

Hi! I love your site. I am starting a blog as an experiment in entertainment. I was wondering of you could take a minute and check out my blog and tell me what you think and how I can improve it? Thanks!

savvy said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
savvy said...

i fucking love sports center. and i must agree all them other shows just serve the as filler. i try to get into cold pizza, but its just not the same.

homeboy from quite frankly gets on my damn nerves. no matter what show hes on, or his comments during halftime shows, he just rubbs me the wrong ass way. but i do agreee, he was riding all up on kobe's jock strap. i wanted to say for Kobe "Let my nuts go, biatch"

these two commentators that be on in the morning for football cracke me. they stay butting heads. one a black guy, the other is white. and seeing as how i dont care about the commentators names, that's about all the descriptoin i can give

Nova said...

I pretty much agree with you on all the shows you've rate. God I love PTI. And uh....I too feel that the world of Hip-Hop, hell the world in general, would've been better off if "Killa Cam's" dad had let it go in a napkin.

studpoet said...

i can't really call myself a "fan" of sports. i am one of those drive by fans. like this sunday i'll watch the super bowl but i don't know shit about the two teams. and of course i watch the occassional basketball game especially when a team i like is playing but i will clear my calendar for All Star Weekend and pick a team to roll with during NBA playoffs.

anyway...my point in saying this is i do LOVE pardon the interruption. when i can catch it, i watch it. your critique of it was seriously right on point!

dpm said...

I hate "Cold Pizza" and any other show that Woody Paige frequents (Around the Horn). He's loud, hot air and annoying.

As for Stphen A., I gotta give dude props. He brings a balance to the White dominated sports commentator. What I like about him is that he often says what I'd want to say. And when the NBA enforced the dress code and fined players for wearing the official Reebok sponsored shorts for being too long, he was the only one who spoke on it as a stab at Black players.

I don't agree with dude all the time, but I sure like his ass for being 2 faced and diplomatic. I think Kobe is bigger mark for going on his show. He knows Stephen don't give a shit about him. Kobe needs good press 81 points or not.

Lastly, Sports Center. I watch it about at least 4 times a night. Although I like SC, I tolerate it when the White dudes spit out Hip Hop slang to spice up the highlights. I'm still waiting for Stewart Scott to break out with a "Yee Haw!" on a Shaq highlight.

PTI is flawless. It's the sports version of ET (Entertainment Tonite).

Good post!

dpm said...

I hate "Cold Pizza" and any other show that Woody Paige frequents (Around the Horn). He's loud, hot air and annoying.

As for Stphen A., I gotta give dude props. He brings a balance to the White dominated sports commentator. What I like about him is that he often says what I'd want to say. And when the NBA enforced the dress code and fined players for wearing the official Reebok sponsored shorts for being too long, he was the only one who spoke on it as a stab at Black players.

I don't agree with dude all the time, but I sure like his ass for being 2 faced and diplomatic. I think Kobe is bigger mark for going on his show. He knows Stephen don't give a shit about him. Kobe needs good press--81 points or not. Nonetheless, I think you could reconsider "Quite Frankly" for an 8 rating rting simply because it's more than 1 point better than "Around the Horn" and "Cold Pizza"

Lastly, I gotta mention Sports Center because I watch it about at least 4 times a night. Although I like SC, I tolerate it when the White dudes spit out Hip Hop slang to spice up the highlights. I'm still waiting for Stewart Scott to break out with a "Yee Haw!" on a Shaq highlight.

PTI is flawless. It's the sports version of ET (Entertainment Tonite).

Good post!

John said...

I agree with you, "cold pizza" is pretty much crap..

You gave "Quite Frankly" the correct rank, it got thos epoints by default for being better than the other shows. Kobe might need good press, but he didn't need it from Stephen A and he had no idea that he would get his ass licked. Period.

PTI is my shit...

Duh-mension said...

God, I miss home. And football. Oops, that's Gridiron down in these parts. I'll be lucky to be able to watch the Superbowl. I do miss the sports shows. *Sniff, sniff*.
Thanks for stopping, btw.

spchrist said...

You know there are more sports programs on other networks beside ESPN. However, since this is a fully ESPN tilt...I'll play along.

@Cold Pizza..."they remind you of those two old fucks in the balcony who used to talk shit on "The Muppet Show", only those puppets at least were entertaining." O.K..that was a very funny line and I agree with you 100 percent. I didn't think Dana Jacobson was all that good as SportsCenter anchor but the Cold Pizza show looks like a good fit. Yeah. She got a little junk in the trunk for a white girl.

@Jim Rome is Burning: Someone needs to get a can of lighter fluid and strike a match on this piece of shit show. Absolutely dreadful show.

@Around the Horn...Max Kellerman was WAY BETTER HOST...but Toni Reali (I can't believe that this is this dude's real name) is alright. It would be nice to see more of a variety of columnists and less Woody Paige.

@Quite Frankly with Stephen A. Smith...quite frankly this show is garbage and maybe the folks in Bristol, Conn. have finally started to see this. It started in the 6 p.m. slot on ESPN2 and now it is in the 11 p.m. slot on ESPN opposite of SportsCenter. Next, it will be the 2 a.m. slot on ESPN2 and then off the air for good.

@Pardon the Interruption...I like this show and I like the chemistry between the Washington Post's Michael Wilbon and Tony Kornheiser.

Dawud said...

PTI is the best show on television!!

Jerry MaDick said...

"the co-hosts had as much chemistry as a prison rape".

Awesome.

jameil1922 said...

alright alright. i've heard so many good things about quite frankly i guess i'm being forced to watch it. damn.

cold pizza, i'll pass on most days. like you said, woody paige gets on my damn nerves. pti whooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo! that is my SHIT! i love that damn show. (oh yeah I hate the artest bashing, too. give that shit a rest already).

rome is burning and around the horn... OUT. hate both of them.

The Humanity Critic said...

I ain't gotta look both ways, for christs sake I didn't even let your inbred post go through!!..lol funny huh?

Joaquin said...

I'm surprised you didn't mention an incident that happened on Jim Rome's show in the 90's. He was interviewing the Rams Quarterback Jim Everett, who was known for having "happy feet" a.k.a being jittery in the pocket. Anyway, this little moron Rome keeps calling Everett, who came off a as really low key classy type of guy, Chris, as in the female tennis player. Well, he said it one time too many and Everett knocked over the table and chairs between them to beat Rome like something out of UFC. Here's a link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=57W05-oopNA