Getting to Know Humanity F. Critic

I never knew a freestyle rap battle could incite such a serious conversation, but it happened to me this past weekend. As I was in the studio with a friend of mine who was recording an album at the time, him and I got into an impromptu rap battle in front of his engineering crew and a few of his friends. It's all blur now, I pretty much stunk up the joint to be totally honest, but because he is a big WWE fan I ended my last verse with "You have to wrestle with the fact that you're wack like John Cena!!" Not a great line by any means, but that one line sparked off an unexpected debate that lasted over an hour or so. His argument was that as a friend he is an open book, secure in letting his friends know every aspect about him. He then said, "You on the other hand are more secretive, we have been friends for 20 years and I still don't feel like I know you. That's the reason why you can be so open on your blog, because in your day to day life you are as secretive as an F.B.I agent!" I didn't know how to answer that, I mean, I am a naturally introverted person who only shows extroverted tendencies because my inner asshole has turrets, but I never thought it was like that. Even when I was about to answer him seriously, I got distracted by the other people in the studio who were glued to my every breath like I was on Oprah's couch or some shit. So like the well read brother that I am, one that has the ability to eloquently discuss serious topics on a regular basis, I addressed my friend's complaint with the respect he deserved. I think I said, "Stop being a bitch!", but that's neither here nor there.

Later that night I thought about what he said, and as I racked my brain I suddenly remembered an ex girlfriend saying that she also really "didn't know me".I felt that I had to do a random survey on some of my closest friends and loved ones to see if they also thought I was secretive and aloof. First I called my boy David and asked him if he really felt he knew me, in which he replied, "Dude, I do maintenance on your computer and have seen the filth on there. I feel like I motherfucking know too much." Moving along, I opened up my personal phone book and called an ex that I just knew didn't have any ill will toward me and asked her the same thing. Well, it seems that she had nothing but venom for me because she lit into me for 5 minutes, because her cousin's conscience got to her and recently she sobbingly admitted that Humanity F. Critic has sex with her on her bed years ago when we were dating.(Fuck, I had forgotten that I had done that)

I figured that I would talk to my mother, a woman who knows me the best and a person that I could tell anything to. As we talked she expressed that she felt that she really knew me, she said "Even though I know that when you go to the dictionary and look up the term "asshole" you are pictured with a shit eating grin, I know that you are a good man." That all changed a few minutes later when she was pushing me out of her house with a look of disgust after I told her that I "gave the 'rough and rugged' to some broad in the bathroom of a wake" once. Right then I realized that I needed a guide, a booklet if you will, that is kind of a cliff-notes guide to really understand the man who is Humanity F. Critic. This is just a rough draft, but tell me what you think.

What I really mean when I say:

"Come on girl, I'm saying..":(Translation):I would really want you, the woman of my choice this particular night, to come over for some late night intercourse. What ever you have planned can't be better then being sexually unsatisfied for a few fleeting moments, all the while being smothered with dreadlocks in your face, only to hear me scream "here comes the mother-load!" as I ejaculate. Plus you can't beat the cuisine you will be served afterwards(cereal) and the post coital affection you will get afterwards.(slap on the ass)

"I'm not trying to be a dick but.."(Translation):I'm indeed trying to be a dick, the only reason that I put that particular qualifier on it is because you usually don't say such dumb shit to me so there is no reason to outright call you an inbred piece of shit. Yet. So this time I will state my case firmly to let you know how I feel, but at the same time try not to disrespect you.

"I'll just slap her and end it!"(Translation) I have never struck a female, or even endorse hitting a female under any circumstance. This particular phrase has been used only when I have encountered females who threatened physical violence upon me(just to give them the impression that I'm nuttier than batshit, for my own safety that's all), one time it was a stabbing threat and the other time it was a girl who threatened me with a firearm. Come to think about it I use this term concerning males as well.(The line was lifted from the King Tee song "Act a Fool")

"Get the Fuck on!!"(Translation): Please remove yourself out of my general area, before I am forced to violently chop you in the trachea with the side of my hand. If you are of the female persuasion, please vacate my personal space before you get a beverage containing malted hops poured all over your person.

"Latenightwhatnot":(Translation) A late-night sexual act, "booty call" if you will, that usually ends up with guilty feelings, a perm being sweat-ed out, and the female getting cab fare home.

A "just add water" MC:(Translation) The same way any miscellaneous jackass can just add water to powdered milk, this term refers to an untalented rapper that is so pathetic that your garden variety citizen can match his "lyricism"(See Young Jeezy, Benzino, Ying Yang Twins)

"I respectfully disagree.."(Translation) The only reason that I'm not giving you a verbal reaming right now is because I actually like you as a person. But come on, you have to be a product of inbreeding to actually mean what you just said. I want to say something inappropriate like "Your mother should have swallowed you" but I won't, because we're friends.

"Blonde Chubbs"(Translation): A term that my friend Danny and I came up with, when he said "It's messed up that chicks who you find appealing in your culture HC, are considered "fat" in mine".(Disclaimer: Danny likes ass) Anyway, "Blond Chubbs" is what we call a very shapely Caucasian woman, its a compliment believe it or not.

"Iraq"(Translation): What Danny and I nicknamed my dating habits. Meaning I always go into a relationship under false pretenses, when I'm in it I realize that it's a disaster, and when it's all said and done I don't know how to get out of it.

"Old Negro Spiritual"(Translation) I love older people, I really do, the knowledge that they pass down is priceless. That being said, not every older person hands down rogue-like advice, some should be all out ignored. "Old Negro Spiritual" is any older black person who has ever given me horrible, defeatist advice like "You better cut those dreads, how else is the white man going to respect you?" Or this one time that one of my father's friends said that I should have let the police officer search my car when I got pulled over years ago. There a lot of older folks who I respect immensely, and there are others that I wouldn't trust with the fucking remote.

"Mouth-Hug"(Translation): Blow-job

"Hoover Upright":(Translation) A woman skilled in the age old art of giving "mouth-hugs"

"Sweaty Fucking Baptists"(Translation): Any black "man of god" that leads their people astray due to his greed, hypocrisy, or his own warped sense of politics.

"The Minstrel Show":(Translation): Simply put, any place where a group of black republicans gather.

"Sugar Tits"(Translation): Something that I find to be a term of endearment concerning some of the women I know, but so far every single one of them has rejected that pet name thus far.