Tuesday, February 21, 2006

HumanityCritic breaks down, well, Critics..

You know the old saying, "Opinions are like assholes, everybody has one"? Well, I want to revise it somewhat, how about "Negative Opinions are like liquor and gun stores, you tend to find them in the worst places possible." I was reminded of this when someone who possibly has the worst blog ever to grace the world wide web decided to give me writing advice. As I mulled over the idea of throwing that jackass under the proverbial bus, pointing out that the one person that does have his blog linked only did so a while ago, and many of the comments on his page seemed like he wrote them himself, my better judgement came into play and I remembered a phrase that my dear grandmother used to say. I remember it like it was yesterday, coming home crying because my painting didn't win any awards at my grade school art contest, my dear grandmother sat beside me and said something that would be my motto for the rest of my life. She sat beside me, squinted her wrinkled eyes and said, "HumanityCritic, Tell them to eat your ass if they don't like it!!"(She was such a gentle soul)

Even though its going to sound odd coming from a dude that calls himself "The HumanityCritic", I have always been suspicious of critics of any kind. If many of you are suspicious of me then good, you should be, I would hope that many of you have a free mind and would object to anything that you find on this very blog to be "bullshit" in your opinion. Lets look at a few critics shall we??

Movie Critics: Based on the many reasons that a person might like a movie, these guys are the most worthless of the bunch. I say that because there have been a smorgasbord of comedies in the past few years that movie critics find deplorable, but at the end of the day made me laugh, so it did it's job. Also, a movie can be a form of escapism from every day life, a rough day, a break up, what have you, certain flicks are enjoyed for its ability to "take you to another place". For example, I think that "Joe Dirt" is funny when the majority of movie critics blasted it. I thought that "Bamboozled" was one of Spike Lee's best flicks, even though critics world wide claimed it was a waste of 2 hours. It has gotten to the point that when a friend, or any human being that I respect, tells me "not to see" a movie ,I do the opposite. I think the best example was when a friend of mine told me how great John Travolta's "Be Cool" was, so I decided to take a date to it one night last year. Suffice it to say it was horrible, to the point that we walked out of said flick and I didn't get any "latenightwhatnot" that night. The next day I went to my friends house, and when he opened the door I went into his pockets like a High School Bully and got my fucking money back. He laughed hysterically, that was until he realized that it wasn't a joke when I drove off.

Music Critic: Just as worse as the movie critic, probably worse because there is a lot of payola and glad-handing going on so you really can't trust these guys. You guys can relate to this, reading some advertisement filled music magazine, constantly seeing good albums get sub par ratings, and horrible albums being heralded as the best album of the year. It seems in this line of work, the more good reviews you do, the more business opportunities will be opened up for you. Which is sad, because I would hate to think that a writer was giving some good reviews just for the hopes of being on an episode of "I love the 90's".

Hip Hop Critic: I understand why right wing guys like Bill O'Reilly criticize Hip Hop, because they have to find a subtle way of "sticking it to them coloreds" without seeming racist. But besides that, I have noticed that 90% of the people who criticize Hip Hop as a whole know nothing about the genre. Criticizing Hip Hop is the only time you could know jack shit about a subject, but be allowed to speak ad nauseum about it as if you had made the research on the genre your life's work. Hey, I can't defend a lot of the horrific images coming from certain artists, but I know the genre to be much broader than that to make ignorant, blanket generalizations. I guess the worst examples of criticism you get are from these self loathing black folks who want to perpetrate the concept that they are "looking out for black folks" by making it seem that all hip Hop is the downfall of civilization as we know it. Of course they can't name a rap song if you pointed a loaded handgun to their head, and they couldn't name a rap artist not featured on MTV or B.E.T if you threatened to take their black-face away, but their opinion is relevant. Right?? Right??

Blog Critic: A few months ago I had a small guide for up and coming bloggers, looking back I should have had a segment on "blog Critics" as well. I can take constructive criticism on my blog, I really can, but some people take certain pleasure in their bitter attempts to be mean. In my case, there are three types of individuals who come to my blog to talk shit. 1) Ex Girlfriends who have claimed they have "moved on", but leave nasty "your blog fucking sucks pal" comments anonymously. I just wish she would be smoother about it and stop doing so from her government job where I can trace it back, dumb ass. 2) People who have blogs, but tend to talk shit under "anonymous" because they are cowards who have some sort of gripe with me. and 3)People who talk shit because they think I undeservedly received the awards placed on top of my blog. I would understand it if the specific critic at hand had a decent blog, but it is always that motherfucker with the blog as delightful as a tonsillectomy that wants to cry sour grapes. I thought that me telling this specific individual that "taking writing advice from the likes of you seems as natural as an oral bowel movement" was a bit much, but I'm glad I said it.(People act as if one of the prizes was a date with Selma Hayek or some shit.) I recently got slammed because I always talk about my chubby statute, my throat-chop abilities, and my sexual shortcomings. Well guess what sugar tits, I'm a chubby, ultra violent pre-ejaculator, what do you expect you diseased trollop??

Fellow bloggers, moral of this story is always write for yourself, and call someone out if they step to you and are truly unworthy of challenging you for "The Belt".(Blog peasants if you will) Like my Grandmother used to say, "Tell them to eat your ass if they don't like it!!". I miss that sweet old lady dearly.


Ironman said...

You seemed to have a loving grandmother. I usually cannot stand movie critics. I use the same example you do, they'll say "Past it's negative humor it still manages to come up a terrible movie." Well if that's true than why was I laughing my ass off? (Cheech & Chong: Still Smokin')

I also cannot stand music critics because they try to make up excuses for the artists when they should really be saying is "Lil' Wayne is straight up garbage if your grades are below C's and claim to be a "real nigga" or if you're just a white growing up in the suburbs then you'll love this album. But if you have any intellegence or actually KNOW what Hip Hop is, you will be offended by this album."

That's my 2 cents, come check out my latest post "Where's the Love?" good post on my man Rakim.

chele said...

I think the folks who actually take the time to sit down and criticize a friggin' blog should have their heads examined.

I don't think you do this for applause but I just want you to know that I do read you everyday. Some stuff I like, some stuff I don't. Sometimes I comment, sometimes I don't. But I always read. I like you HC -- you're a little self-loathing but hey ... that's you. Keep doing what you do.

Aparna said...

yeah. agreed. keep on keepin' on. if people only read stuff so they could agree with it, they're living in a small ass fishtank. any way, why be offended when you can laugh?

glory said...

i'm still wondering if there really is anyone who pays attention to critics' suggestions. i figured anyone with sense just likes what they like.

GG the Groupie said...

I think I wanna have your baby! LOL

Seriously, well thought out, and well spoken...

Reese The Law Girl said...

LOL @ your Grandmother's quote. That's hi-larious!

I have always hated movie critics the most. I'll never forget how all the critics said The Matrix sucked @$$. But, then I actually saw The Matrix and it became my favorite movie of all time. How anyone could hate it is beyond me.

Actually, the only critic who liked it was Ebert. To this day, he still gets brownie points with me because of that. And, also because he's married to a black woman.


Sterfish said...

I think a good critic should tell you what they think and why (preferably with some good analysis along the way). I can't stand critics that just irrationally hate or love something. I'm also a bit skeptical about critical consensus. There have definitely been movies, TV shows, and albums that critics loved that I couldn't stand.

Ultimately, though, a criticism is just an alternate viewpoint. People shouldn't take critics as seriously as they do. They can be good for helping you discover something you may have missed (and for avoiding true crap). However, nobody should give a shit at all if a critic hates something that you like. If you like it, that's all that matters.

Dr. Deborah Serani said...

Dear HC,
Writing for yourself *is* what it's all about. Those who enjoy and love your words will come and stay, and those who don't or envy your talent should just click on the red "x" box in the corner of their desktop and go away.


SP said...

You know what, you need to let that shit go. Who cares if someone is talking shit on your blog. Why do you need to respond to it? Does it really matter? You don't even know that person. Why is his or her opinion so important to you? You said that people should just write for themselves. Well, do that. And fuck anyone who doesn't like it. Why spend your time and energy worried about them?

alli-babe said...

OR...you could do lik me and bitch out......lol

Soulfull said...

Hi HC,
I agree with you 100%! Blogs should be written with "you" in mind, to help release your own thoughts. Keep breakin it down... :-)