Hip Hop, you know I Love You. Right?

Have you ever seen an ex of yours, an ex that you had a pretty tumultuous relationship with, but because a few years have past you greet each other with phony niceties? As I told her what I have been up to she smiled, but I could see her recounting me beating up her brother, our vicious arguments, me calling her mother a dime-store harlot, and a plethora of other smart ass comments playing back in her head. As she told me about her new business, I couldn't help but to think of all the glasses she threw at me, her constant insistence that I was cheating on her, and the one time she slapped the shit out of me and begged me to hit her back, playing in my head. I felt like a recovering drug addict being faced with a vile of crack cocaine, knowing what stands in front of me is harmful to my health, but also admitting that I love it at the same time. At least I thought it was love a few years ago, so much so we decided to go to "relationship counseling" even though I had just found out that she fucked a complete zero when she was on a boat trip with her girlfriends.

As we both sat in front of the therapist, her with a optimistic gleam on her face because I had chose to try and make it work, me with visions of some guy nicknamed "The Sperminator" deep dicking my girlfriend with the passion of a horny porn-star on a fucking pleasure cruise.(The person you envision your mate with is always more appealing in your head) I actually thought that if I could vent about it to a trained professional that I would feel better, so you can imagine my disappointment when the therapist asked us to "write a list of things that you like about each other". I even remember saying, "We aren't going to talk about the reason I'm going to feel funny fucking her for the next six months, when I'm positive that she won't give me what that Outbreak monkey had?? Fuck, why did I use the word "positive in that last sentence?" She told me to go ahead with the list, and as we started my then girlfriend was writing her ass off about things she liked about me. When I grabbed my pen and began to write my mind went blank, not only did we have nothing in common, but I hated all the idiosyncrasies that a mate usually loves about a person. Five minutes later, with her list full and mine just having a self drawn picture of myself holding a microphone that I had doodled, the therapist told me to read what I wrote. It was a moment of clarity as I stood up and said: "You know what? I don't like anything about her. Her family was horrible to me, she damn near abused me, I hate the way she sleeps. The way she smacks when she eats. She's hogs the fucking covers! She talks while I'm watching sports just out of spite. She always wears the most vomit inducing fragrances. She kept wanting me to cut my dreadlocks!" Then the therapist said, "Well, why did you stay around?" I thought about it, paused for a few moments and said, "I guess, for a guy on the brink of paying for it, simply put I liked having guaranteed ass.."

As I walked out of that therapist's office, leaving them both with a "what the fuck" look on their faces, I realized right then and there that truly loving someone is about loving the little things about them. Things that most of the times go unnoticed on a regular basis if the love isn't there, but if it is there you can speak out on those things eloquently for hours. Based on the rocky road that me and Hip Hop have been on the past couple of years, and to show that I still love Hip Hop, I will attempt to save this relationship and talk about the "little things" that I love about it.(I know the "Hip Hop as a woman" has been done to death, so fucking what) So all of you are my therapists and the internet is the relationship counseling office. The little things I love about Hip Hop include:

The Helicopter sound in the beginning of EPMD's "Its my thing"

When Biz Markie says, "Reagan is the Pres but I voted for Shirley Chisholm" in the song "Nobody Beat the Biz" Also, the way that Biz screams "Whilooo!" at the end of the song.

Hearing MF Doom utter the line "same name on the titty as on the name ring,
pretty like Baby D off "all in the same gang" in the song "Hoe Cakes" is sheer brilliance.

When Ras Kass says, "I keep the afterparty swervin', *sniffing sound* not quite like Michael Irvin" in the song "Soul on Ice"(Diamond D Remix)

The mere fact that Sir Mixalot said he was "hugging more girls than Bella Karoly", genius.(Karoly is that famous gymnastic coach)

Cringeworthy and funny at the same time, the grunting sounds Slick Rick makes implying that he was getting anally raped in the song "The Moment I feared"

De La Soul tackling such topics as child molestation in the song "Millie Pulled a Pistol On Santa"

The fact that Phatlip referred to "The Dopest Ethiopian" in the song "Passing me by".

When Q-Tip hints about his love of receiving mouth-hugs in the song "Electric Relaxation" when he says: "Shorty let me tell you about my favorite vice, it has to do with lots of lovin' and it aint nuttin' nice"

One of the best opening lines ever, when O.C said "You Lack The Minerals and Vitamins, Irons and The Niacin's" on the song "Times Up"

Big Daddy Kane's flow in "Set it off"

How the internal struggle that many of us face with using the N-Word was broken down perfectly in A Tribe Called Quest's song "Sucka N*gga"

In the Gangstarr song "Just to get a rep", hearing Greg Nice's sampled voice. "Stick up kids is out to tax!!"

How Rakim seemed like the coolest motherfucker in the world in the "Microphone Fiend" video, walking through a packed club with Fab Five Freddy.

The Drum pattern on Notorious B.I.G's "Unbelievable"

The footstep sound effects in the beginning of De La Souls "Ego Trippin'"

Saafir's awkward flow in "Light Sleeper"

The Rim-shot in MC Lyte's "Paper thin", also the way the track repeats in it's entirety without any lyrics.

The bass drop in Eric B and Rakim's "Mahogany"

The truth about how many women look to you at 2 Am ,when the "ugly lights" come on, in the Black Sheep song "Strobe-light honey"

The moaning woman that starts off, and is sprinkled throughout Chubb Rocks "Ya Bad Chubbs"

The infectious half way incoherent freestyle that Redman does at the end of the "Tonight's Da Night" Remix.

When Q-Tip says, "I know why you act that way, It usually happens on the 28th day" on the ATCQ song "The Infamous Date Rape"

DJ Premiers saying "Big L Rest in Peace" at the beginning of the Gangstarr song "Full Clip"

The way the kick-drum booms in on the twelfth bar of A Tribe Called Quest's song "Check The Rhime"

The way that you would have had to have either done time, or be iliar with the penal system to totally understand Ice Cube's "Check Yo self"

How Mos Def continues his verse even though his voice obviously cracks, in the Black Star song "Twice Inna Lifetime"

When the music drops out only leaving the beat playing, during Andree 3000's 2nd verse in "Benz or Beamer"

Quest-love's drum gymnastics at the end of The Roots' song "You got me"

I love it when Big Boi, on the song "Aquemini" where he says "Pay your fucking beeper bill bitch" with an uncaged venom. I always find that funny.

Casual's entire song entitled "I Didn't mean to", a song dedicated to having sex with girls who have boyfriends. Yes, I once had a penchant for penetrating other people's poonany's periodically.(Alliteration aside.)

The Doug E Fresh "one hand swooping around the head" dance move that I still do at parties.

Kool G rap for saying, "I'll bust a nut, get up, and wipe my dick on your curtain!" I've said that exact thing to women post-coitus since then, probably explains why I'm single.

When a fictional fight breaks out at the end of Biggie's "Party and Bullshit", and the track comes back in where he says: Can't we all just get along, so I could put hickeys on your chest like Little Shawn"

The looped horn sample at the beginning of Souls of Mischief's "That's When Ya lost"

How Chuck D mentions my hometown in the song "Welcome to the Terrordome", even if it was to outline a very racist incident. Or in the same song, when Chuck D says "Every brother ain't a brother cause of color", something I say constantly when talking about black republicans.