Tuesday, November 14, 2006

Did I ever tell you how impatient I am?

Similar to what I told this big gentleman named Mitch while punching him because of a very gay suggestion he threw my way as we shared a city jail cell, some things I absolutely refuse to wrap my head around. I mean, with cringe-worthy music, a rap vocabulary mastered only in "Cat in the Hat" books, and an ignorance that makes you long for the glory days of black face minstrel shows, it baffles me that Jim Jones has anything resembling a fan base. Last night I saw a video of Bobby Knight, a man known for his violent outbursts towards his players, sock a kid under the chin with a closed fist because the kid didn't look him in the eye. I personally can't get my head around the fact that that young mans parents, or the parents of some of the other kids Knight has bullied over the past years, haven't already come down out of the stands and told the Hall of Fame coach "Listen, if you ever put your hands on my kid again I will do my best to be a fucking highlight on Sportcenter, you know, beating you to death in front of Dick Vital and all!" Then we have the piling on of Kevin Federline, sure he is the worst rapper ever, a man who makes Mark Wahlberg's rapping days look like a thing of legend, there is no debate with me that the man is allergic to microphones and metaphors. But I can't wrap my head around the fact that people easily pile on K-Fed, but excuse the same level of wackness in my opinion of talentless, special Olympics "Hey, I get a medal just for showing up!" rappers like Lil Webbie, Young Joc, or 90% of the motherfuckers who performed at the Ozone Magazine Awards.

I said all of that because one thing I can't wrap my head around concerning myself is the level of impatience that is flowing through my chubby bloodstream. I've pretty much kept my violent outbursts in check for the most part over the past year, walking away and laughing off incidents that I would have tried to break someones jaw for a couple of years back. I've made it a point to be more honest with women that I date, telling them ahead of time things like "Listen, I just want to fuck you, so lets hope my quest for penetration and silence doesn't get between us having a good time!!", or right before a sexual encounter saying "You know, usually a guy in my position might say something like 'this might hurt a little', not me. With me you might giggle a little, and openly wonder if your middle finger is a significant upgrade." But it seems that my patience, as I get older, is wearing thin like Nicole Richie modeling thongs in Ethiopia. Here are a few examples:

The Checkout line: Being that I'm a chubby black bastard that grew up with a stutter, its safe to say that sometimes my self-esteem is lower than midget manic-depressives. That being said, I do have my sexy moments, like how I forcefully throw the wack CD's of a woman I might be dating out of the car window, that's hot in my honest opinion. I can't forget about how much women love how I convulse and make vomit sounds as I ejaculate, those are some of my sexier moments. But one thing that isn't sexy, not in the least, is how I sigh and pout like a petulant child whenever I find myself waiting too long in a checkout line. If I'm standing there longer than a minute first I'll sigh, then I will have that 1000 yard stare, desperately trying to be somewhere else mentally to forget about the 2 minute wait I'm on the business end of. After that its gets uglier than Mary J Blige without her make-up on, if an old man is holding up the line with his shitload of pennies and coupons, I'll offer to pay whatever he came for, then I'll give the old "I once saw Babe Ruth play" man a gentle mush in the back of the head for his troubles. If there is only one cashier, a long line, a slew of empty registers, and other employees wandering around the store, I will grab one of them and scream "Somebody has got to give that poor woman some help!!" Lastly, if the cashier's long line has to do with he fact that she has been yapping on her cell phone, when I get to the register I'll say "Now you know that shit you were talking about wasn't important. Listen, I don't mind you and your harlot friend playing "guess the vaginal rash", but for Christs sake do it on your own time!!"

Clothes Shopping: Ever since I was a toddler and was forced to go shopping with my mother, me and shopping for clothes have had a turbulent relationship. Especially when you go shopping with a girlfriend, being forced to sit and watch as the woman you love tries on a plethora of outfits like a ghetto version of "Pretty Woman" and shit, I would rather be kicked in the nuts by a NFL kicker wearing steel toe boots. Based on said impatience, when it comes to buying clothes for myself I'm literally in and out, a ritual that many of my ex-girlfriends would say I practice in the bedroom as well. Its bad man, if a nice salesperson asks me if I need help one too many times, I start tugging my dreads and screaming "Will you leave me the fuck alone already!! These voices in my head, their telling me to do things!!!" Sure it's over the top, but they leave you alone though.

On the telephone: I'm not really a phone person to begin with, but there a few times that I want to say things other than "What bar are y'all going to?" and "Come by, I promise to give you cab fare this time!!". But the one thing I hate is when you are on the phone with someone and a person near them attempts to have a full fledged conversation with them while they are on the phone with you. I mean, certain intrusions are understandable, like "I've been shot!!", "The house is on fire!!", or "Young Jeezy actually has a hot verse!!", but that's about it. I always want to tell the person that I'm talking to, "That miserable motherfucker doesn't see that you are on the phone. I don't know what is more troubling, their rudeness or the fact that you haven't told them to "scram" yet." Yeah I know, I'm nitpicking, but then again I am the guy who has a 25 second "on hold rule", so I guess you should consider the source.

Picking someone up: This is going to sound utterly ridiculous coming from a guy legendary for keeping people waiting, or flat out not showing up to places I'm supposed to, but nothing irritates me more than waiting for someone.(Ok, maybe wearing a polyester condom would be more irritating..) It never fails, I am waiting in front of a woman's house who I plan on seducing after she orders from the inexpensive side of the menu later, and as soon as I have sat there longer than I like I start honking the horn like a madman and screaming out the window "Come the fuck on, a cheap night out on the town and pleasure-free sex awaits you!!!" People hate when I drive because I have quite the reputation of leaving your ass, regardless how many minutes, miles, or states we are from your place of residence.

10 comments:

Anonymous said...

Why are you so angry/evil/fill in the blank_____________?

do you need a hug, damn!

oh, i get it, this is supposed to be satire!

Anonymous said...

but you are kindof funny though, i wonder...what do you look like? will you ever/have y ou ever posted a pic?

Ladynay said...

You actually wait on hold for 25 seconds? That's forever! Your better than me! LOL

Poke Smot said...

I'm glad I'm not the only one who refuses to stay on hold longer than 30 seconds. If you've got another call that's that important you should call me back.

jameil1922 said...

impatience is a virtue, no? clearly i feel like bobby is just one hood black momma away from "if you ever put your hands on my kid again I will do my best to be a fucking highlight on Sportcenter, you know, beating you to death in front of Dick Vital and all!" and i really want to see it. how can you throw kids and chairs around for 20+ years and no one says shit? did you see them CHEERING the other night smacking the kids around? ugh.

Bk_red said...

first off, i'm starting to feel sorry for k-fed. yes, he is wack, but there are definitely wacker people out there who are selling a lot of records. i feel like i could have written this blog. i am super impatient like you. i feel you on the long line thing, which is a problem since i live in nyc and everything. half of the time i just say fuck it and leave rather than wait on a long-ass line. i also hate shopping and rude people who have conversations with other people while they're on the phone. it's not that hard; just tell me you'll call me back!

Id it is said...

Patience is a virtue, no matter what; especially in a world like ours which is on a permanent fast forward mode. It takes a lot of physical and mental fortitude to hold back when there is so much pressure to move on, or so I think.

brooklyn babe said...

Just b/c I'm a woman, does not make me tolerate of shopping with others either...

I guess that's where I side with men on that one...

I like to get in, and I like to get out...

Peach said...

this one is hella funny. I have similar issues..kinda
1. i cussed a woman out for not letting me buy the patriot for my 17 year old cousin, after i spent 30 minutes wandering around the store waiting for him to find that shit.

2. I will lie to people if they call me and have nothing to really say..."i hear my son crying" works all the time.

3. I cant handle clothes shopping with my cousin because she tries EVERTYTHING ON. I know my size and favorite colors...I get in, grab something cute, buy, get out.

LOL good post.

spchrist said...

and don't you hate when people still pay with checks?