I'm HumanityCritic, the Hypocrite..

I laugh whenever I see some supposed Hip Hop journalist wax poetic, as if they had a smoking gun of Woodward and Bernstein "Deep Throat" proportions, as they lay out the many ways in which Krs-one is a hypocrite. Sure they have a valid argument, KRS preaching non-violence for most of his career and then contradicting himself based on statements he's made, song's he's put out, even physical altercation's he's either been a part of or threatened to be a part of. But I'm forced to ask, don't we all have this level of hypocrisy flowing through our veins? I mean, I know that brother Martin Luther King Jr. followed Mahatma Gandhi's lead with that whole "civil Disobedience" thing, but I'm sure people wouldn't fault the guy if he gave someone who disrespected sister Coretta an old fashioned Baptist ass whipping back in the day. I can see it now, Martin bouncing back and forth like a skilled boxer, saying shit like "I wasn't always a preacher!!" and with every jab yelling out "Lord, I know this isn't what you had in mind when you said turn the other cheek!!"(*whap*)

Even though I have always felt that we are all hypocrites in some fashion, I have come to grips with the fact that I'm one of the worst offenders of all time. Here are a few examples:


On Ignorant behavior:

The Flip: Whenever I'm with my conscious friends and we see a fight break out at a club somewhere, usually one that was started by one of the men asking "what are you looking at??" - I tend to get on my high horse and dismiss it as simple "buffoonery". Seriously, it's like I put on one of those dreadful Cosby sweaters and actually become the most famous Jello-O pudding peddler ever, breaking down the ills of the black community and how the "young black male" is in serious trouble. During these diatribes I tend to wax poetic about the "Glory Days" in which I was raised, when people didn't find the need to shoot each other needlessly - where a fist fight didn't result in gun violence. Matter of fact, I think that I go as far as to call the young people of today "peasants" on some Slick Rick shit..

The Flop: Wait a minute, when you came up didn't people shoot each other for their bubble goose Jackets and Jordan's motherfucker? Man, fuck you!! Matter of fact, who was the guy who got out of his car with bat in hand, in the middle of wall to wall traffic by the way, just because some young man looked at you longer than you had liked? That was you!! Who was the guy as recent as a few months ago, threatened to punch a man repeatedly because it was his opinion that Tupac was a better lyricist than Rakim?? Who in the fuck does that exactly? You once chocked a guy for criticizing Kobe, followed a guy 20 miles to his house who cut you off in traffic, told a woman in the grocery store that if she didn't stop her yapping that you would beat up her boyfriend as a punishment. The list of your offenses is just too long scooter..


On Having some tact:

The Flip: I swore that I would never be like my father, based on the fact that he would say anything that came to his mind. If a woman that he knew gained weight, he'd make a comment about her renting space at a buffet, if one of his friends had a girlfriend that left him, he would go into specific detail about the new paths that her new boyfriend was making in her vagina. I know I was like that, but over the past year or so I have done a pretty good job when it comes to keeping my comments to myself. I've come to realize that people have feelings, and I in no way want to be the one that makes them feel bad in any way.

The Flop: What did you tell a woman the other day that claimed she had never given a man fellatio? As I remember you pointed to what you thought were stretch-marks around her mouth, told her that her body was screaming "sperm receptacle", and said that any woman with a giraffe neck like that has had more cocks in her than a chicken coop. You gotta love that "tact"! How about that midget you were talking to the other day? When he was proudly showing you pictures of his children, you looked him up and down and said "Hey, you really are a baby-daddy! Get it, "baby" daddy!!!" How about that 21 year old chick you were intimate with recently, based on her age after having sex you telling her "Umm, is this the part where I tuck you in and read you a story?" What kind of shit is that? Oh, dude, I don't care how great an experience you make it sound, using the pick-up line "Hey, how would you like to come to my crib, give me a mouth-hug and leave immediately!!??" will never work for you.


On Strippers:

The Flip: It's no secret that I love titties. I mean, all a woman has to do to either get me to shut the fuck up, give her some money, or coerce me to take someones life - is just flash me her dirty pillows for at least 10 seconds. It's true that I've had a love affair with strippers for the longest time, but that "love affair" has been over for some time now. I've finally seen the light, no more will I be teased by women who wouldn't fuck me if I had the last cock on earth, no more will I hand out my well earned dollars for sub-par gyration, no more will I sit through the stories that strippers give you about "doing this for college money" and other intended falsehoods. I'm older, wiser, and I've realized that angrily beating off to the memory of a stripper name "Alize" is sad, even for me.

The Flop: Who and I kidding, the only light I've seen is the one shining on the well manicured backyard of a caucasian pork eater by the name of "Cadillac". Listen, I know it's a scam, but when you are a scumbag like me who hasn't had a decent piece of ass since the third season of "Seinfeld", I take tits any way that I can get them. I find myself hanging on every word of a stripper who tells me her "I'm doing this for college money" story like she's giving a presidential address, and I do find myself openly wondering if I have a chance of pre-ejaculating with the "new girl". I guess strip clubs are like my crack, no matter how much I'm aware that it makes my pocket skinny and is detrimental to my health, I keep coming back for more.



On Casual Sex:

The Flip: "When it comes to sex, I'm similar.." to that popular television character named "Monk" to be totally honest. I'm serious, I can see my 30 AIDS tests being justified if I partook in the most deviant forms of sex imaginable, but many of those tests were conducted when my nuts hadn't been fondled for months. I'm scary like that, if a chick coughs before we have sex I'm just not fucking her, if she tells one too many "and this one guy I dated" stories I'm just not fucking her, shit, I've been known to grab my clothes and run out of the house if the woman in question doesn't smell her best in certain "undisclosed" areas.(Sometimes I run out of my own house, how about that??) Looking back I know that I must have made this one young lady feel like that fucking outbreak monkey when I asked her if it was OK if I wore three condoms. Listen, being so concerned about my health would usually a good thing, but I really have to stop vigorously scrubbing my penis in the sink of a woman who I was just intimate with.

The Flop: All of the above is true, for the most part, but despite my fear of diseases the pervert in me tends to prevail. I really am cautious, except for that one time I had sex with a woman that I hardly knew in the bathroom at a wake. I really did have all of those AIDS tests, but I forgot about that when I was in Vegas and had a good time with a chick who was so tall I was certain that she could hold Shaq to single digits. The three condom story is true as well, it's just a shame that I didn't think about that as I got to know this waitress named Maria on my bed. Granted, I did have 20 bibles under my bed with a rosary in my hand as I begged the almighty that my condom stayed in tact, but I'm still a hypocrite.


On my Writing:

The Flip: Insecurity doesn't just affect me when I pull down my pants in front of a lovely lady, it affects me when it comes to my writing as well. I'm very appreciative when anyone gives me a kind word concerning my blog, I'm truly thankful, but I am so hard on my writing that I secretly don't believe that my writing is nowhere near the quality of other bloggers out there. I don't mean to hit anyone with any sort of fake humility, I honestly feel that way.

The Flop: I'm such an insufferable prick. Even though I don't think much about my own writings, I'm very vocal about those who I think I'm better than. Seriously, especially people who aren't my friends, I'll go to their website and say "Fuck man, I'm way better than this guy!!!" Or I will peruse their comment section and based on the kind comments people will post, I'll throw up my hands and say "These people wouldn't know a good writer if John Grisham ass-raped them in a library!!" Yeah man, I'm insecure about my writings, but you should have caught me around award time commenting on the people who beat me in certain categories. I was like Nas in the beginning of "Ether", "Huh?? What??! You!!?? What??!!"(Those people have good sites, I'm just a douchebag..)



On Southern Hip Hop:

The Flip: I openly reject when people say that I hate on Southern Hip Hop. I try my best to articulately state my case that I hate wack rappers from all regions of our great country, pointing out my utter distaste for New York rappers like the Dipset and New Yorkers of their ilk, and I also point out acts like Scarface, Outkast, and 8 ball and MJG that I'm a fan of and acts like T.I and Ludacris that I'm not particularly mad at. Sure I'm a hater when it comes to people that I feel that I could even rap circles around, but in no way am I singling out my brothers and sisters from down south. I love everyone, so now lets all hold hands in a loving circle and sing kumbaya, because this Hip Hop shit is for everybody!!

The Flop: You know what, a lot of that down shit is wacker than a motherfucker. Sure there are a slew of New York rappers who are wack as hell, but it just seems that the strongest stench when it comes to Hip Hop is coming from below the Mason-Dixon line. Lil Webbie and Young Scrappy, those sound like "Pound Puppies" and not men who should be wielding a fucking microphone!! Snap Dancing, that horrible "walk it out" dance, Young Joc, Jeezy, T-Pain, I feel that Hip Hop went royalty to the watermelon patch.(see the B.E.T Hip Hop Awards) Again, in no way am I saying that people from the south lack the lyrical ability to be as good as anyone else, it's just my opinion that most of the shit coming out of the south right now sucks harder than a Hoover upright. Also, don't give me that "you have to deal with the changing times" bullshit, I think that people who respect Hip Hop should stop grading it on a goddamned curve, if its wack then its wack.