HumanityCritic's Letter to Hip Hop: "Please Take me back

Dear Hip Hop,

I know you have no reason to take me back based on my actions, and some of the horrible things that I have said about you on this blog. You know, a guy gets frustrated sometimes, and I vented said frustration by blasting you on some of your more negative qualities. I mean, who am I to criticize anyone, I still blow snot luggies out of my nose mid-sentence, and recently I used the words "cock sucking motherfuckers" in a conversation that I had with a local preacher. But I have come to realize that I need you more than ever, who else will put up with my hypocrisy when it comes to my criticism of you. You know, like me always telling you that you need to be more positive but at the same time loving when you recite a random N.W.A tune. Baby, we can't throw away some of the wonderful times we had together. Remember when we had a three way with that chick named Rhonda, and she kept asking us "Do you always fuck women to "Welcome to the Terrordome?' Good times, Good Times. Remember when you were sitting in the car with me after I saw my dad die, and you rapped A Tribe Called Quest's "Scenario" to cheer me up?? I'll always love you for that. You shaped my elitism when it comes to lyrical ability when you told me about Rakim, you made me forever proud to be a black man when you hipped me to Public Enemy, and you let me know that I wasn't fucking you without a rubber based on that "Jimmy" song you were constantly singing. I don't want to throw all those memories away because you might have a few habits that I might dislike.(Why is Jim Jones one of your top 8 on myspace anyways??)

I have to be honest and I hope you don't get upset at me, but I have confided in my friends about our relationship problems, especially my friend Iselfra. Even though he said he understood some of my complaints about you, he told me to stop looking at the surface and that you have many great qualities down under, like an Australian blowjob champion. That being said, if you are willing to take me back, I promise that I will see you for all the great things I love about you. Here are a few..

The way I put my hand over my heart when Big Daddy Kane says "..So lets all sing the Big Daddy Anthem" on the song "Set it off"

The fact that I once told a friend: "You're, 'Dave the dope fiend shooting dope who don't know the meaning of water nor soap" based on Slick Rick's song "Children Story". Yes, my friend's name was David, and at the time he had a drug problem.

This is rude, but whenever I try to get a chick to fuck me and while she is weighing the option in her head, I pull out a shitload of condoms and pour them over her head and say "..and if you need em I got crazy prophylactics!!" A Tribe Called Quest "Bonita Applebum"

The way that Mos Def's voice cracks on the Black Star song "Twice Inna Lifetime", and how he just plays it off and keeps rhyming.

Just the mere fact that Big Pun said that the "first amendment's culturally biased" in the song "Twins(Deep cover)" is just plain dope.

This always crack me up, but when Big Boi says "pay your fucking beeper bill Bitch" after one of his verses in "Aquemini" I always laugh.

Speaking of Outkast, when Andre says "I love who you are I love who ya ain't you're so Ann Frank/Let's hit the attic to hide out for bout two weeks" on the song "So Fresh So clean" it always freaks me out. I mean, a sexual getaway and a victim of the holocaust in the same sentence ain't sexy!

KRS almost made me stop being a carnivore after hearing the song "Beef" on his "Edutainment" album. Almost.

The absolute swagger that comes out of your speakers when Ad Rock says "Suckers they be saying they can take out Adam Horovitz" on the Beastie Boys song "Shake your Rump"

No shit, I can listen to Pete Rock's remix of House of Pain's "Jump Around" all god-damned day.

This is immature, but the other day I had to confront somebody about something they were accusing me of. I planned on being civil about it, but I listened to Gangstarr's "BYS"(Bust your shit) to get me amped up in case I had to backhand a motherfucker.

How about those silver ass space pants Stezo was wearing in his "Its my turn" video??

I hope I can come off as cool as Rakim did in "Mahogany" to women I plan on clumsily pre-ejaculating with.

I know this is bad, but whenever I go to a woman's house in an extremely bad neighborhood, the first thing I ask her when she opens that door is "So what's up with those n*gga's in the parking lot??" Its a line from Ice Cube's "Once upon a Time in the Projects"

Women hate this, but when I'm about to reach that ultimate moment of climax I say "Y'all ready for this?? YEEEAAAAHHH!!", just like D.O.C does in the beginning of "Funky Enough".

It never fails, when I hear Smooth Da Hustler say "The Virgin Mary fucker, the Jesus hanger" in the song "Broken Language" I always wish I had a rosary with me.

The way that Malik B made the word "water" sound like "wowda" just so it rhymed with "Minnesota" on the Bahamadia song "Da Jawn"