Wednesday, May 25, 2005

A Complete Idiots Guide to having a Black Friend

I know that I give my republican friend Danny an ample amount of shit concerning his politics and some of his idiosyncrasies, but I have to give him credit today. During the tenure of our friendship he has said some incredibly dumb things, but none of those things had anything to do with race or stereotypes so I appreciate that fact. I know that anybody, black or white, who doesn't have experience being around someone of another race may have certain misconceptions, but for Christs sake it is 2005 man! Through my personal experience of encountering specific idiocy, I created a guide to anyone you know who is racially challenged.

1)Not a compliment Part 1: I can't tell you how many times I have heard, "You are pretty cool for a black guy!". What in the fuck does that mean exactly? So you are telling me that the entire race that I belong to is virtually worthless and I am the only motherfucker that you have ever found cool?? How despicable. Granted, I haven't heard this recently but I heard this a lot as a kid.

2)Not a compliment Part 2: I know Chris Rock covered this but it is so very true, when people say "You are so well spoken!" that has to be the most offensive shit ever. What did you expect to come out of my mouth exactly? Did you think I would carry on like Mush-mouth from Fat Albert and shit?? Thats what happens when people get their concept of what black folks are from music videos.

3)"Talking Black": I have actually had people of other races say "You talk white", which is offensive when it comes out of the mouths of black folks as well. Let me break this down for the black folks that have involved themselves in this idiocy of "talking black" also. OK, Arthur Ashe, to many people of the douchebag variety "talked white", but his activism and his love for black culture made him "blacker" than Jay-Z or any garden variety asshole who you feel is "black" today. Matter of fact, I want to systematically assassinate any black person who involves themselves in this bullshit argument. To measure blackness based on your colloquialism is downright foolishness, and if you do that then your sorry ass better watch less B.E.T

4)My Hair Part 1: How many years have dreadlocks been part of popular culture?? Millions of people know who Bob Marley is right? OK, so why do many people say, "Oh, I absolutely love your braids!!" Stevie Wonder had braids during the 70's, I think that fruity ass Leroy from "Fame" had braids during that show, what I have is not braids goddammit!! But black folks do the same shit, and I hate to be such a hard ass but motherfucker you should know better.

5)My Hair Part 2:(This goes to black folks as well) When did it become OK for a total stranger to come up to you and pull your hair? Never you say? Great, that doesn't give you the license to touch, pull, tug, or stroke someone's hair simply because they have dreadlocks. If you want to feel my hair or touch it, especially if you are a prime piece of ass, simply ask first. But remember, I am not a fucking puppy! I can't tell you how many times I had to curse someone the fuck out simply because they pulled my hair randomly.

6)Blacks hate Bush: Granted, there is a despicable group of black Americans who like Bush, but those are self hating fuckers and they are not to be trusted any way. I can't tell you how many white women I have encountered, that date black men, who are far right wing republicans. I always want to tell them, "You didn't get the memo?? You gotta read that dude's instructional manual, he hates Bush Are you sure you didn't get the handbook?" People can believe in any political Ideology they want, I just find it kind of strange that's all.

7)I am not your bodyguard!: Why do people think that all black folks can fight? The other day, after hearing Danny's Death Metal band perform(torture), we all went to have a few drinks. I sort of know his band-mates, and when they had some words with a drunken patron one of Danny's band-mates said, "We will be OK, HumanityCritic has our back!" What motherfucker?? I barely know you, for all you know I could be a punk. I can't front though Danny does the same thing, he gets what I call "Urban Courage" when I am around but I let it pass because he has actually seen me knock dudes out.

8)Racist Teacher: I know that this doesn't exactly fit on this list so excuse my rant. My old man was absolutely conflicted. He was born in 1937 in Sumter South Carolina, so he saw real racism, not that "I can't get a cab shit" as Chris Rock so eloquently put it. He was witness to "Whites only" establishments and saw people lynched for Christs sake. He was conflicted because he spent 30 years in the Navy and had many great experiences with people of all races, so he battled the bad experiences with the good constantly. There is one lesson that he taught me early on that was pretty much prophetic. When I was in grade school he said, "There will be teachers that will say "HC, you got a C, very good!" and that same teacher will go to another student and say, "Bobby, you got a B, you can do much better". Don't fall for that shit!" I have issues with my old man till this day, but boy was he right.

9)The "N" Word: I wont get into any lengthy analytical discussions about the history of the "N" word or anything, I will just address it very simply. Black folks shouldn't even say the word, but at no point should anyone of any other race ever call me that. The most idiotic argument I hear is, "But why can't I say it?" But my question is, "Motherfucker, why would you want to say it??" All groups call themselves terms of endearment that are only cool in their specific circles, but if someone outside their circle says it then there is trouble. I have two friends, one Mexican and one Puertorican, who call themselves Latin slurs all the time. I know better than to utter the same slurs their way. Two women I know call each other "bitches", but I would never call them that. It is that simple.

10)Idiotic Questions: When someone would ask me something idiotic I used to brush it off and say, "They just don't know better" But goddammit, it's 2005 for Christs sake, no more excuses. If you have to ask a black person "Does your hair get wet?" or "Do you wash your dreadlocks?", something is seriously wrong with you and it makes me want to put on steel toe boots and kick you dead in the motherfucking chest.(I won't harm you though) I was watching 60 Minutes a while back and something disturbed me. You know that old fuck Andy Rooney, who does a editorial at the end of each show, well he said something like "Why do they have to have "B.E.T"? Why do they have to have a "Miss Black America"? If white people had these things Jesse Jackson and every black group would cause a fuss" Mr. Rooney, let me first say "Fuck you"! That being said, what about the years where black folks were excluded from programming altogether, or the vast amount of stations that don't represent black folks as a whole. I object to B.E.T's programming, but to bitch about the name of said network is pretty idiotic.

54 comments:

Ananse's Web said...

"I will put on steel toe boots and kick you dead in the motherfucking chest"
Damn!! All of that huh?

I am guilty of touching random strangers locks but I do ask first...for the most part. #'s 1, 2 & 3 --- AMEN!!! I hear that!
Great Post

Anonymous said...

I love this post and I have dealt with all of this crap! Well said! I love your comments about the N word. I have made the exact same arguments myself. I actually said in a sociology class, "Are you telling me you object to the fact that you can't call me an offensive name? Your race made up this word to demean the people of mine and you want to be able to use it without me slapping you? Does this seem logical?" The three other blacks in my sociology class clapped, and a couple of Hispanics did too. The guy I told off sat there turning red as a beet.

Anonymous said...

I am not a blogger. My girl, ShellyP, has a blog that I have been reading lately and commenting. Ocassionally, when I am trying to avoid work, I go through and look at some of the people that leave her comments. That's how I got to your page. I have to admit I'm a bit hooked now. I completely agree with what you have said. 3 and 5 hit very close to home with me. Being a well educated bi-racial women, I get that "talking black" thing all the time. And people ALWAYS want to touch my hair and ask me if it's real. What? Black people can't have hair down to their waist? Your post is something that everyone should read!

David Binkowski said...

funny stuff, you just gained a "regular" lurker...er, reader. :)

K. said...

" Granted, there is a despicable group of black Americans who like Bush, but those are self hating fuckers and they are not to be trusted any way."

Wooo! Way to tell it like it is, dude!

I used to get the "you talk white"shit all the time when I was in high school. I don't know if getting older has made me sound "blacker" or my pissed-off countenance has made it harder for people to ask.

Breez said...

Entirely too funny...and all too true. Maybe I should pass this around at work for the next time the try to use me as the Encyclopaedia Brittanegro.

Jdid said...

10 is the realness. I once had a dude ask me if I can shake my hair when it gets wet to get it dry. I was like whose hair do you think looks more like a dogs you f'in moron!

Anonymous said...

I could hear this whole entry with Sam Jackson reading it aloud.

whole lot of motherfucker going on here.

Anonymous said...

You know I feel you on this one. I just got that question the other day maan! Geez..."do you wash your "braids" They are locks mofo my goodness....

bitchdoctrine said...

So true. If one more person puts their hand in my hair, that shit is going to get broken....

atma brother #1 said...

I know that anybody, black or white, who doesn't have experience being around someone of another race may have certain misconceptions, but for Christs sake it is 2005 man!

No doubt- it's about fucking time suckas woke up. No excuses.

Hillarious Science on this post man.

akiey said...

Your's is one of my most fav blog reads! I feel you on that Rooney stuff & has he stopped to think that while Black folk have B.E.T, white folks have 2 country channels that are basically devoid of any minority(except for a select few commercial interruptions)!, plus the networks are basically over 85%non-minority unless the NAACP comes knocking!

Unknown said...

once again, you bring it all the way home

you need to write a book on this ish for real.

Toya said...

LOL...this kind of reminds me of this site: www.blackpeopleloveus.com you ever been there? it's crazy....as for the N word...i hate it...i get mad at my self slipping saying it because i use to never say it...i remember getting into an arguement with someone from NYC on AOL and they were p'rican, and they said they say the N word...i didnt appreciate that...they said their friends say it, and some of the black folks that were from NYC said they dont have a problem with that...i do...maybe thats a NYC thing, i dont know...i know they couldn't do that in Chicago..i was mad at j-ho and fat joe for saying it in their songs....as for a white person, they better not say it...but then again, alot of these rappers use it in their songs, and most rap and hip hop is bought by white folks...

Sparkling said...

I totally agree about the hair thing.

I'm not black, I do not have dreadlocks, but I wish people would keep their hands off my hair (unless they are my hairdresser off course, I pay them to touch it)

Anonymous said...

I've heard people say some the same things to me as well. Especially the comments about the way I speak and my hair. I had one White woman walk up to me in a WalMart and comment on my twists saying, "How do you get your hair to do that?" I said "Get my hair to do what, grow?"

peachy said...

People always teased me about "talking proper", as if that's a bad thing.

Sankofa is right on with that comment too. "One day I'll be tanner than you." Good luck.

Anonymous said...

Hey man. With respect to point 4, never feel bad about being a hard-ass. I am when it really matters, and I'm proud of that. I can't really relate to the hair being randomly yanked, but I do get "Wow, you're hair is

Unknown said...

Regarding point 4, don't regret being a hard-ass, as long as you only use those powers when it is important to do so! i am a hard-ass and proud of it!
Regarding point 8, I am so proud that you can see the good things your dad taught you even though you have issues with him. That so important, for people not to hold complete grudges all the time. Good for you, HumanityCritic!

SooHK said...

I like point 1 and 7...

Nia said...

I love this post. I feel like printing it out and posting it up on my cubical wall. With yellow highlighter all over it! LOL

In college (all white woman's college) I found myself answering all sorts of silly ass questions. Until one day I starting asking them right back. How do you get your hair to do stick up like that? I don't know...how do you get yours to smell like wet poodle? Then I became the "angry black girl" when referring to me in sentences. LOL

Amadeo said...

Loving it.

Unknown said...

i am not a big fan of Thomas sowell .. heck i dislike him, but he said something that made me ill. he said "ebonics" or whatever you want to call it actually came from rednecks in the south.. ill ain't it?

muffins gone WILD! said...

OMG! you are HEEELARIOUS! you need your own show man! make it happen!

Dayrell said...

1st of all Andy Rooney can go straight to HELL...*ahem*

But anyway, I totally agree with you 'Critic. Number 10 reminds me of an incident my sister told me that happened to her in college a couple of years back...how one day when she went to her friend's dormatory to visit her, her friend's roomate asked them "How come you guys' hair is like that??!". A grown ass 20-something year old female asking a question like that I mind you...when my sis told me that, I couldn't do anything but shake my head.

=/

Don Tate II said...

That was so right on point, except for the republican thing. Anyway, I wore my locks for almost 8 years and they reached about mid-back when i cut them. But as far as my grandfather and father-in-law were concerned, they were braids. And I didn't mind people touching them as much as I minded that white woman who asked me where I got such a small curling iron. No, they aren't curls either.

So I was a white talking, braid wearing, nigga. Anyway, I hate that word too, and for that reason, I won't purchase any music from rappers who use it. I don't like the Jigga play on words either.

Anonymous said...

Hey this is arieschick...thanks for stopping by. I love that list...prolly need to go get that book

-_- said...

Please write a damn book on everything you said!!! Dang! I'm linking this on my blog.

The thing about the hair... oh lawd. Why do people think my hair is weave? What, a sista can't have hair to the middle of her back? HATERS. And why do white folks think they can touch it? Like I'm some sort of damn exhibit!

Anonymous said...

Amen for real homeboy! You just wrote down thoughts that have been in my mind since the first white person I've ever met.

Anonymous said...

That was a good read! But admit it though... When a beautiful woman tugs on your hair, you refrain from the usual verbal assault, and entertain her (at least for a moment) to determine where this "conversation" will take you. At least, I do. And yes, some of those women are black!

JEW said...

I'm not going to lie. When I saw "Blacks hate Bush" I reminded myself to make an apointment with my waxer.

A lot of people hate Bush. It's a good thing.

Anonymous said...

Your blog entry should be printed out and distributed all over North America and perhaps the world.

In my entry from Feb 4th http://prattleondebbie.blogspot.com/2005_01_30_prattleondebbie_archive.html, I had a real interesting conversation with my white boss, who, incedentially, had a 10 year relationship with a black woman.

Anonymous said...

Fuck, that was funny. And well written. Are you sure you're black?

Relax! I'm kidding!

I gotta tell ya though, man, as a cracker boy from Toronto I can understand the Andy Rooney thing. I mean, shit, can you imagine White Entertainment Television? I mean, yeah, I know there are white trash stations out there, (us non-rednecks hate them too) but I mean having a station actually CALLED W.E.T.? (actually, that sounds like a porn channel...)

Thanks for the laugh, and don't be afraid to bitch slap any stupid ass who touches your head.

-CBFT

Chocolatelocs said...

FUNNY!

Number 8 happened to my younger cousin. He came home with a bad gradn and said "but the teacher said I passed". Needless to say we had the same talk with him that your dad had with you.

I have gotten the "your so well spoken" crap too!

Thanks for the laugh :)

Misty said...

I absolutely got what you wrote, not that I didn't already know most of this stuff. I read it to a friend. Well said!
I am not black and will be continuing to read your wonderful blog.

Anonymous said...

Black folks also need to get away from calling other brothers "fruity", it's just another slur........

Anonymous said...

"Fruity a slur"?? HC, do your thing, fuck that!

NML/Natalie said...

Being black I agree with every single one of your points. I was brought up in Dublin, Ireland, the only black and the only Protestant in an all girls private catholic school. When I first moved to Dublin I was one of the ONLY black people and I have had the most ridiculous stuff said to me! I have had friends get over familiar and use the N word with me and I've had to put them back in their place. I have *never* touched someone's hair randomly - what kind of shit is that?

Anonymous said...

I have been subjected to the whole "you talk white" shit too, especially from other black people. I just tell them that I don't talk "white"... I just speak properly and its not my fault that they were not paying attention in grammer class.

Running2Ks said...

You should really publish this. And other lines, like, "I understand, because I have a black friend". Or, "Did you go to college on a sports scholarship?" And, "Show me some dance moves". Please forgive us white morons who have been guilty of a couple of your noted sins. BTW, said it before, say it again--white woman here--hating Bush (with the capital B).

Spo said...

outstanding post - cracked me up - sometimes I can't believe people are so stupid - walking up and pulling your hair! damn!

Anonymous said...

It's Sept 14, 2005 and I'm going back to read your old blogs. Please do not get upset when women touch your hair. I don't know what it is but I swear it makes me so horny.

Anonymous said...

Damn!!My friend just sent me this post. E'rybody should read it. there should be little salons and discussion groups based on this post. Thank you for it.

Anonymous said...

It's likely you've seen this site already, but if not, allow me to grace you with
http://www.blackpeopleloveus.com/
If you couldn't tell (and some people can't), it's satire and hilarious as all get out.

che said...

Man, I used to rock an Afro. Going outside was like inviting white people to touch my fucking head. Before I really considered that it was a form of racism, I just thought, what the fuck is wrong with these fucking people? Once I started to realize it was part of their ignorance AND their sense of entitlement, I started shouting at mofos. This cat, when I turn around and say, "what the fuck?" says to me, I swear to god, man, he says, "Dude, c'mon, it was just ASKING for it." Wow. Remind me not to let my daughters out around white dudes. They're pretty scary.

www.rev1.net

Anonymous said...

Asians get the same comments on "Wow, you speak really good English" if they live in an area where they are a rarity. A couple of my friends in high school got that--and these half-Japanese kids were BORN in this country. LOL

Anonymous said...

i'm pretty sure my black teacher, the one and only dr. todd boyd, said that using the word "nigga" is okay for whiteys. i agree. i'm pretty sure that word lost it's stigma somewhere around richard pryor's era, maybe eddie murphy at the latest. it's mostly dependent on context, but are you honestly that concerned? it seems like it's just a politically correct slant, using your attachment to rights as justification for disallowing white people saying the word. no one using it today had anything to do with slavery or what happened, so continually bringing that up is a stale argument. i know kozmic_cocoa was never involved in slavery, so why is it okay for her to run around slapping people for using a stupid word. is it okay for a black person to call a whitey nigga? i don't find any problem with that. in fact, if white people invented it, shouldn't they have the final say on when and where it can be used? black people kind of stole it, and lord knows we don't need that kind of bad publicity in this day and age.

Anonymous said...

it seems like it's just a politically correct slant, using your attachment to rights as justification for disallowing white people saying the word.
Dear Anonymous,
Please explain why you feel like your rights have been infringed upon because you can't call a black person "nigga" without the impending threat of getting your throat chopped. Ask yourself what you are really perturbed about when this issue comes up. How would your life change if you could call a black person nigga without getting the taste slapped out of your mouth? Would it make the world a better place or are you just mad because it's something you aren't allowed to do?

Anonymous said...

Please explain why you feel like your rights have been infringed upon because you can't call a black person "nigga" without the impending threat of getting your throat chopped...How would your life change if you could call a black person nigga without getting the taste slapped out of your mouth?

First of all, I never said anything about my rights. I said something about your attachment to rights. As in, you feel that you are owed something because of the fact that slavery existed. I'm sorry that slavery happened, cocoa, but again, you had no involvement with that particular piece of history. I don't hear Jews running around complaining every six seconds about the 11 million that they lost during the holocaust. And guess what? There are actually people still alive today that we're persecuted by the Germans. You, for some reason, have decided that you are not only a victim, but now society owes you something. apparently, as i previously stated, you're only motive is stopping white people from saying "nigga." if you think you can regain what society stripped from you by slapping people, i'm fine with that. but you have no right to tell me what any person can and can't say, regardless of taboo. If someone is actually dumb enough to "chop my throat" over a word, then I guess Chris Rock was right about the differences between niggas and black people. maybe you should focus all that energy on the plight of the black race instead of fucking semantics you hyfey scamp.

Unknown said...

1. 12 million people were killed in the holocaust by the Germans, 6 million of those were Jews. And the reason why the Jews don't complain about the holocaust is because they get reparations not only from the GErmans but several European countries as well as the united states (3 billion in aid per year towards the state of Israel).

2. for some reason, people forget that the term "nigger" was created to oppress Africans brought to this country. ALthough I agree that no one should use the term, it is taboo for a white person to use it because of its history.

3. and its wonderful that we can sit and discuss this like human beings but the truth of the matter is if a white person says it, even in just, among a group of black people beatdowns will be handed out. I seen it happen once too often.

4. folks also forget to mention JIm Crow. Which was supported by several state gov'ts and most white people while the fed gov't said nothing. When slavery stopped, white folks still used to term to describe black folks in a bad manner. there are still folks alive who remember that. and you know what? places like Mississippi and Louisiana, things still get down like that.

Anonymous said...

As in, you feel that you are owed something because of the fact that slavery existed. I'm sorry that slavery happened, cocoa, but again, you had no involvement with that particular piece of history. I don't hear Jews running around complaining every six seconds about the 11 million that they lost during the holocaust. And guess what? There are actually people still alive today that we're persecuted by the Germans. You, for some reason, have decided that you are not only a victim, but now society owes you something. apparently, as i previously stated, you're only motive is stopping white people from saying "nigga." if you think you can regain what society stripped from you by slapping people,

Since I work in a private school run by Jews and grew up in a predominately Jewish neighborhood where there was a mixture of Hasidic, orthodox and even some Messianic Jews sprinkled in, I've heard the motto "Never Forget" frequently. Doesn't that mean they will never forget the holocaust? I hope they never will. Brother OMI was right. People like you often forget about Jim Crow and segregation in the South where the N word was said as often as Y'all and Ma'am. Jim Crow and segregation was going on centuries AFTER slavery. My parents actually grew up in those times. So did my husband. He was born in 1964. This is still very fresh in their memories. Holocaust survivors are in their 80's, my parents aren't even 60. Also, I think your literal interpretation of me personally slapping people is hillarious. Talk about semantics.

maybe you should focus all that energy on the plight of the black race instead of fucking semantics you hyfey scamp.

Wow, name calling. What a way to make your point on an issue of derogatory words - anonymously of course. You're first class. (Since you are prone to interpreting written words literally, that last statement was meant to be sarcastic.)

Anonymous said...

you are so right!!!!
way to go man

Anonymous said...

You write really well for a black person!

Remember when some white girls at my high school said that I was really pretty for a black girl. Before I left them, they knew that was an ignorant backhanded compliment.

Love all around you! and Shine ON!

Anonymous said...

My friend linked me this. I'm white, but I have long curly hair and I've had people touch it randomly all the time. I have to say, you're fucking right - it sucks.

Thanks for the article - it was an awesome read.