Wednesday, May 11, 2005

"I Love it when you call me Big Pope-ah!"

(*Disclaimer: Whenever I talk about religion on this blog, like I have witnessed in real life, people get totally bent out of shape. Look, I want an open discussion and your coments, positive or negative are always welcomed. But before taking things out of context, or seeing my post as a damnation to hell, just rememeber that you are reading the blog of a man that talks about "mouth hugs", "throatchgoppping dudes", and once wrote a post entitled "An idiots guide to cheating", so keep my previous behavior in mind when reading my daily ramblings: Thank you.)

As a practicing catholic there are a few positives and negatives that I have had to come to grips with. Positives: 1)Most catholic services are about 45 minutes, it is like a religious drive-through. No siting in church for five hours, waiting for the preacher to wrap it up. 2)Catholic church is spiritual Tae-Bo, with all the standing, sitting, hugging, standing.. I lose weight whenever I go. 3)As a kid, seeing a fine ass girl wearing a catholic school uniform gave me quite the "chubby"(erection) 4)Confessional rules. Listen, I know people hate this about catholicism, but telling your sins to a person and then everything being OK is dope, as long as you do what he says. You say, "Father, I slept with my brothers wife and the two kids that he is raising are mine. Not only that, I murdered his cat, embezzled 2 million dollars from him, and he needs a kidney to save his life but I refused" Father: "OK, give me 3 hail Mary's and two "Our Fathers" Man: "That's it? Sweeeet!" Its like getting a prescription filled or some shit.

Negatives: 1)As a realist, you know that there are some rules that you will have to break. The catholic Church is against contraception, what is that about? If I followed that rule I would have a shitload of dreadlock crumb-snatchers, and I would be forced to deal with women that I only slept with because I was drunk one night. Also, the no sex before marriage stuff was a rule that I knew was going to be broken, I knew that when I was a boy. 2)They should really let priests marry, this shit is getting ridiculous. If they did, those pent up sexual urges wouldn't have sick fucks molesting kids. The sad part is that those molesters give the good, honest, and moral priests a bad name. 3)There are some hot girls at catholic mass, but you don't get the same luscious ghetto booty that you get at baptist churches. I went to a friends Baptist church last month and the girls in there looked like they belonged in a Jay-Z video, or a crunk video, or on somebody's stripper pole. I was pitching a serious "tent" that day.

I followed John Paul II somewhat through the years, but not totally. I always figured that I would do what I wanted, and I'm probably sure the catholic church would frown on some of the things that I did or beliefs that I have. Being that I am pro choice, use contraception when having premarital sex, I once got a mouth hug in a confessional, and I had sex in the bathroom of a wake that I went to probably means the church wouldn't endorse this blog.

Our new Pope, well I don't want to criticize his past because who knows what kind of Pope he will be. But here are a few interesting tidbits concerning Pope Benedict XVI:

At 78 years-old, he is the oldest man to be elected pope in three centuries and he is the first German pope in a thousand years.

In his teens, he was briefly a member of the Hitler Youth, drafted into the army and eventually deserted.

He served time in a POW camp.

In 1951, he was ordained and became a Cardinal in 1977. In 1981, Pope John Paul II appointed him head of the powerful Congregation for the Doctrine of Faith, where he has served for the last quarter of a century.

He is widely viewed as a conservative theologian and a hard-line enforcer of Catholic Church doctrine. In the 1980s, Ratzinger was a fierce opponent of liberation theology.

He strongly opposes abortion,

He strongly opposes to an increased role of women in the church(Reasons he gives: 1)That women don't bear a natural resemblance to Jesus in the Eucharist. 2)That there were no women at the Last Supper. 3)That the kind of nuptial imagery, the bride and bridegroom imagery that the Church uses would be violated if women were the priests)

He strongly opposes artificial birth control

He strongly opposes homosexuality.

He has been seen as trying to cover up the sex abuse scandals concerning priests. His view was that the whole thing was "Overblown"

In 2003, Ratzinger's office issued instructions to Catholic politicians to vote against gay marriage. During last year's presidential election campaign, he advised US bishops to deny Communion to politicians who support abortion rights - who many saw as directly targeting Catholic presidential candidate, John Kerry.


Sparkling said...

1)Most catholic services are like a religious drive-through.
2)I lose weight whenever I go.
3)Catholic school uniform
4)Confessional rules.

These are the reasons you're a practicing catholic????????

Dr. Strangejazz said...

You left out the part in where he covered up for all those child molesting preists.

The Humanity Critic said...


Those aren't the only reasons, just a light-hearted rant about catholicism. There are other reasons that I am catholic, I think..

Amadeo said...

I wonder this about the long will he be able to do anything.

introspectre said...

"overblown"... many puns...must...hold back...

On another note, thanks for all that info. Not being Catholic and all, I never would have bothered to read that about the New Improved Pope had you not posted it.
Very interesting...

Brother OMi said...

I was a devout catholic. did my confirmation and all. I been to the vatican and those pukes are thieves. I left and never looked back.

Pope John Paul II sold chemical weapons to the Nazi's that they used in the gas chambers in the concentration camps.

They took money from the mafia and much of their wealth derives from the slave trade.

so i dance on his grave. ratzinger not only opposed liberation theology, he refused to speak out against dictators in latin american countries that those priest fought against.

Mala said...

Now see you done started sumfin!I'm converting tomorrow if all I gotta do is stand in a box, tell some dude through a screen what I did and all will be forgiven once I say a few prayers. No wonder my momma never let me be nuthin' but a Baptist, I'da done way more shit than I did... oh but IT'S ON NOW!!!!

Elizabeth said...

HumanityCritic, tell me you did not get 'mouth hugs' in the confessional! lol You know that aint right! Forget catholicism, you need to go down to tha altar and get hands laid on you lol...

E to the dwige said...

eh I know you didn't really go into it but I don't think letting priests marry will solve the child molestation problem. That's just a lot of sick individuals that I believe would molest kids married or not.

peachy said...

I'm not Catholic, but I'm thinking the only reason they picked this guy was because he's old. I don't think they really had a clear choice, but they had to pick someone in the interim.

I thought Catholic masses were longer than 45 minutes. That's news to me.

Thinkerbelle said...

Gotta love any religion that brings the gathering to a bar. Washington D.C. offers "Theolgy on Tap", gatherings of young catholics and a church leader at a local watering hole...Nice.

Mariposa said...

Thanks for outlining the facts about the new Pope. As for his opposition to an increased role for women in the church, those may sound like valid reasons to some, but to me, and I guess by saying this I am a horrible Catholic, those reasons would probably make more sense in medieval times. In 2005, they look like excuses from an old, crotchety man.

Try telling the vicitms of abuse by Catholic priests that it is "overblown". That statement shows that he clearly lacks respect for his fellow man and woman, and that doesn't seem very Catholic of him to me.

Anonymous said...

Sorry Brother Omi, but your insane, why would John Paul 2 sell gas to people who were gasing all his fellow Polish people, especially seeing as he was about 20 years old.....

And as for your slave trade idea, what bullshit, the Vatican condemned slavery in the 1400's before it was even a problem, the people who made most money out of the slave trade were the english, and they're as anti-catholic as they come (i live there)

Brother OMi said...

To Anonymous:

a. Pope John Paul II & Ratzinger's connections to the nazi's are well documented. John Paul II sold chemical weapons to the Nazi's before they started their conquest through Europe. Thats how he did it. Some argue it was the revelation that they used it on Polish folks (who they deemed inferior because they were Slavs) that caused him to convert.

b. Actually it was the Dutch that made the most money out of slavery. they built the best ships. The English banned slavery as soon as they recieved the Asiento (or seat) from the Vatican after they beat the Spanish.

c. in the Treaty of Tordesillas in 1494, the Vatican gave the Asiento (the country who would be in "charge" of the african slave trade ) to the Spanish. how can the vatican condemn slavery in the 1400s if they gave the asiento to the spanish in the late 1500s.

It was not until Pope John Paul came around did the Church condemn slavery and apologize.

what history book are you reading from?