Tuesday, May 17, 2005

Taking Over the B.E.T Building: Operation Throatchop

A group of bloggers, upset at the pitiful display of entertainment that has come from Black Entertainment Television, has decided to join forces and take over the B.E.T Building. As many of you know, B.E.T has had a golden opportunity to put out informative programming, enlightening the masses that watch said station, but they have abandoned any responsible approach and has basically been a channel just showing video's. A group of men that go by the name H.A.I.L(HumanityCritic, Amadeo, Iselfra, and Luke Cage) have plotted to take over the B.E.T Building and change their programming forever. This is how it went down.

Luke Cage

(HumanityCritic and Iselfra are hiding behind a car, ready to storm the building, with ski-masks half way down their foreheads)

HumanityCritic: This is going to be amazing man! WE are going to go in there, crack a few heads, and make those motherfuckers change their programming forever!

Iselfra: No doubt, (grabbing HumanityCritic's gun and explosives), But what is all this for? There must be a better way than to use firearms??

HumanityCritic: But they have guns and they have used them on other's who had suggested that they change their programming.

Iselfra: True, Give me one of those damn guns.(Grabbing a 9mm from HC's holster)

(Luke Cage and Amadeo appear)

Luke Cage:(carrying an oozy, grenade, hunting knife, and wearing Rambo-like bullet suspenders) That's all the weaponry yall got??

HumanityCritic:(Looking at Iselfra) See!

Amadeo: So what are we waiting for, lets go in there and cause damage. Shit, I want to beat someones ass for the mere fact they had that animated whore Cita on there for so long. Ghetto ass network.

Luke Cage: OK, but before I go I have to say one thing. You're HumanityCritic?? I mean, you have some weight to you, but you are kind of short.

HumanityCritic: What are you saying?

Luke Cage: I mean, for all the "throat chopping", shit talking, and ass whipping you do on your blog I just expected something different that's all..

HumanityCritic: OK, OK

Luke Cage: You better show me something in there small fry, because weak links won't be tolerated.

(Iselfra and Amadeo giggling)

HumanityCritic: Damn yall that's fucked up! Take it easy Luke, I can hold up my part of the deal!

(H.A.I.L gathers around a radio listening to M.O.P's "Ante Up" so they can get pumped up)

(They all run toward the building in a single file line, with their weapons pointed downwards. Before they get to the door 5 guards come from nowhere and try to ambush them. Iselfra takes one of the guards out with his capoeira fighting style. HumanityCritic gives one a deadly throat chop, as Amadeo slams one to the ground with a mighty suplex. Luke Cage is holding two of the guards off of the ground by their necks, knocking their heads together and putting them out of commission)

Luke Cage:(To HumanityCritic) Nice throat-chop! OK, we're cool.

HumanityCritic: Wow, thanks!

(When H.A.I.L enters the building 40 more guards come out of nowhere)

HumanityCritic:(still tired from the previous battle, pulls out his gun and fires in the air): *Pow* Fuck this, all yall get on the ground, I ain't fighting all of yall.

Iselfra, Amadeo, Luke Cage:(Looking at HumanityCritic)(in unison) Pussy!

(Every one of the guards get tied the fuck up as H.A.I.L continues on their mission. Along the way they reach the "Rap City" studio as they are taping the show)

Amadeo: This is all mine fellas! I had to endure year after wack year of this miserable show, the bullshit hip hop that they played, and every wack host who thought they were an M.C.(He runs over and knocks out the guest D.J and the new host) Don't get up motherfucker, this is my show now!(He proceeds to host the show, playing the underground videos that he wants, all while holding a AK-47)

(As Iselfra, HumanityCritic, and Luke Cage make their way down the hall they encounter the evil program director of B.E.T)

Iselfra: Well, well. You are the one responsible for ruining the minds of our young brothers and sisters out there huh?

Program Director: I am providing people with a service, a service to entertain

Iselfra: But you also have the responsibility to educate and inform your viewers. Yall got rid of Tavis Smiley, Ed Gordan, and your nightly news program. Those were the only respectable things about your bullshit network and now they are gone.

Program Director: But it is my experience that ignorant nigg...I mean, young African Americans respond to our new format.

Iselfra: See, "ignorant niggers"?? You don't even respect your viewers.(Iselfra walks over to the evil program director with a mean look on his face. Apparently Iselfra has been watching too much Star Wars or some shit, but he raises his hand and administers the Darth Vader "force choke" on the program director. The program director is clutching his throat, grasping for air)

HumanityCritic:(Rushes to the side of Iselfra) You don't want to do this man, you don't want this douchebag's blood on your hands!

Luke Cage: Damn that! I watched lil John 5 times this week, kill THAT motherfucker!

HumanityCritic: Don't encourage him!

(Iselfra releases the choke)

Iselfra:(holding director down, giving out backhands) When I am done with you(smack) you will show nothing but documentaries and educational programming!(punch)

HumanityCritic: I think he got the picture after you choked the shit out of him.

Iselfra: OK, OK. So where are yall going??

HumanityCritic: Luke Cage and I are going to 106th & Park to take that joint over. Free has got a phat ass, so of course we will be checking her out!!

Luke Cage:(clearing throat) Dude, I'm married, the only ass I check out is my wife's. But, I will go with you to "have your back".

HumanityCritic: Yeah right

(HumanityCritic and Luke Cage enter the 106th & Park studio. A.J tries to stop them but HumanityCritic kicks that motherfucker dead in the sternum, causing him to pass out)

Free: What is going on here?? Who are you guys?

HumanityCritic: We are here to change this piss poor station to something that black folks can be proud of. By the way, who is your guest today?

Free: The Ying Yang Twins

(The Ying Yang Twins walk out)

Ying Yang Twins: Yaaayuuh!! Yaaayuuuh!

(HumanityCritic loads up the clip to his 9mm, mouth watering like pavlov's dog, about to kill those motherfuckers)

Luke Cage:(looking at HumaityCritic) Don't you do it..

HumanityCritic: OK, but hand me your nightstick

(For the next 10 minutes HumanityCritic hands down a beating to the Ying Yang Twins that you wouldn't believe.)

HumanityCritic:(Standing over their unconscious bodies with their platinum teeth in his hand) Luke, how much do you think we could get for these on the street??

Luke:(Shaking Head)

(Robert Johnson, founder of B.E.T and the man who sold the station to Viacom for a shitload of money, appears out of nowhere)

Johnson: What are yall doing?? I know what the agenda of H.A.I.L is and you are totally wrong! B.E.T is a positive influence on the black community and the mere thought that we promote negativity is irresponsible on your part. See, when I started this network..

(Belle comes out of no where and lands a powerful uppercut to Johnson, making him airborne, causing his body to come crashing to the ground)


HumanityCritic, Luke Cage, Amadeo who just reappeared with Iselfra:(in unison, leaning back): Damn Shorty!!

Belle: Someone had to shut that motherfucker up!

HumanityCritic: Where did you come from Belle?

Belle: I was supposed to be part of your crew, but because the asshole writing this was so in love with the H.A.I.L acronym I got bumped to the end of the story. Plus, you guys spent all that energy fighting all those guards when the back door was open. Remember, this IS B.E.T, negros take smoke breaks!

HumanityCritic: Damn Free, you sure got a fat ass.

Free: Get away from me!!

Iselfra: That's my boy critic, always a hit with the ladies.

Amadeo: So, whats next? After we fully change the programming here, where is our next location.

HumanityCritic: Well, there is a station in my hometown called 103 Jamz. They play nonstop bullshit 24/7, the worst Hip Hop imaginable, and they are a clear-channel station. Lets get those motherfuckers.

(They all touch hands in a superfriend fashion)

HumanityCritic, Amadeo, Iselfra, Luke Cage:(in unison) H-A-I-L..Hail!!

Belle: Don't forget the "B"!!

The End


Amadeo said...

Ahhh taking over Rap City...now my soul can rest. You've tapped into the depths of me. I would have liked to give A.J. one good stomp though...he must be someones cousin or something cause he has no talent.

Will said...

LMAO@ the whole damn thing. Especially Belle. Too damn funny! (I wish that takeover could really happen...sigh.)

Luke Cage said...

Hey man. I've got one question for you. Carrying all this ordnance around is no joke. Why stop here? I say we go to the White House and paint that jammee black! H.A.I.L!!!! You're on point my friend. Nice tale.

DaKelzz said...

..Once again...never a dull moment..that was freakin HILARIOUS!!!

and the title..Priceless!!

Nikki said...

LMMFAO @ Belle coming in on the tail end to save the day!!

Belle said...

Very good grasshopper. I love it. Can we do 102.1 when do 103 Jamz? Please?

peachy said...

Great story.

BronxGrlnVA said...

LOL, yes when you get to the 103 Jamz station please make sure you take out those damn Budda Brothers.

Slow Metamorphosis said...

lol @ that animated whore Cita. Amen to that one!

TheSaga said...

LMFAO!!!! ....bruh!!!....LOL... you were high when u wrote this, ha?

Justine said...

oh my you are too funny.

Bullet Proof Diva said...

thaswassup! is it bad that I vividly played each scene out in my head and smiled? umm yea, so thanks for the wishful thinking!

can you guys find those fools who wrote that tsunami song next!

Goldi said...

H.A.I.L. Typical of brothas... The whole idea for the BET onslaught was probably Belle's.

Good job as always, though.

I am Jack said...

You have the best stories, you should be writing comic books, or working on a sitcom. You have talent man!

sherry said...

Nice! I laughed through the entire thing. Jack is write, you are a great writer. Pure talent.

Anonymous said...

I happened to come on your blog and every entry is pretty amazing. Does H.A.I.L have a number they can be reached at when helpless citizens need them? lol


Jdid said...

yep Free duz have a phat ass lol

Brother OMi said...

ha ha ha h ah ah ah ha ha h ah ha ha ha
this is too dope... damn this is dope... i love it. i love it.

i got the force! yo i got the force! thanks man. this is so dope..

now i really feel like going to kick some ass... thanks be!

Brother OMi said...

and let me just say: It feels good to be on the same team with a bunch of cool ass brothers. and one sister.

Belle said...

I'll ask again...can some of the members of H.A.I.L. + B and any other local bloggers meet up. Damn! Red Star, sushi something...

Ghagged said...

Excellent Story. I caught the visual so clear Hilarious!

ManNMotion said...

I didn't realize BET was still on the air. I pretty much stick to Animal Planet and ESPN (unless The Shield is on FX). I was thinking that after you handle 103, maybe y'all can you stop by Progressive Insurance...

Will said...

Y'all might as well name yourselves B.H.A.I.L., because if you keep hijacking shit, you're gonna need BHAIL money!

coley said...

LOL @ Will.... YOU are too funny HC!!! Had me dyin, again!!! I wonder if people think we're crazy, cause you know your readers are cracking up, just staring at the computer all intently! I know my co-workers think I'm insane! Anyways, thanks and I'll take the number for H.A.I.L (cause ummm Ima need y'all to take over at my job) ! :)

Mala said...

When I said I think I love you I made a mistake, I think it is now absolute lust. Any man that wants to beat fire out of the ying yang twins is on my "Gotta Give This Dude Some" list (bad part is you gotta ask yourself... some of what - I'd be afraid if I were you).

Lene said...

I love the beating you put on those ying yang fools. i wish i was there to kick them in the throat too...

SunShyn said...

You are the master!!!

Sankofa said...

Not "They all touch hands in a superfriends fashion.." Man...how hilarious are you? "Wow, thanks!" LMAO.

Anonymous said...

Another great post. You make a sister want to get a blog account just to post to your posts. You are the best!

Davey said...

Man, you hit cats with music, politics, now a social commentary via a ficticious story. I have to nominate you for a blog award or something. Peace.

Jared@yahoo said...

LOL@ YOU!! You crack me up man!!

derris said...

Totally funny, you have one of the best blogs man. Fun-ee.

I am Jack said...

I told you this blog was the ish, look at all the comments!..lol

Anonymous said...

Can I be part of the almighty H.A.I.L? I have special powers, I swear??

E to the dwige said...

LMAO! This was great!

jerry said...

Very nice imagery!!

greggy said...

"Remember, this IS B.E.T, negros take smoke breaks!"

oh my god...*dead*

golden said...

this was great and LMAO @ Will!

G! said...

HC, thanks for the visit. Very nice story by the way. We should all be a member of a HAIL group at some point in our lives. Maybe things would be better. ;-)

o said...

Yes, PLEASE do this in real life... PLEASE. We are counting on y'all!!

Saladevisitas said...

Yes man! Shut em' down! After the mission is down, smokes and drinks on me.