The other day, as I sat in the office of a dude who has shown interest in publishing a book that I had just completed, I found myself in serious daydream mode. Even though I have had the same recurring daydreams since I was 15, either involving me scoring the winning basket of the NBA finals by dunking on someone, me rocking a stadium full of people with my "viscous rhymes", or being interviewed by Oprah as she calls me "The best actor ever", this particular daydream was a bit different. The daydream that I had this particular day, as I stared unconsciously at the legs of a miscellaneous receptionist, was one where I was stuck in a sort of "Buddy Cop movie" hell. Since I played "the black guy" in each scenario, excuse the piss poor Chis Tucker, Eddie Murphy, and Danny Glover impressions.
Movie Title: "Rush Hour 3: What is the fucking Rush anyway??"
Starring: Jackie Chan as Chief Inspector Lee, and HumanityCritic(playing the Tucker part) playing Detective James Carter.
(Lee and Carter are on a stakeout, waiting for a wanted arms dealer to show up at his warehouse.)
Lee: Carter, how do you know this is the correct location??
Carter: My cousin Bootsy told me man, he is as reliable as can get!
Lee: Like the time he told me that "Soul Plane" was the best movie a person could ever see?
Carter: Hey, he's human! Lets just wait here and you can see for yourself.
(Minutes pass by, so Carter, remembering the formula of the other Rush Hour movies, starts doing Michael Jackson impressions to pass the time.)
Carter: Hee-Hee!! (Doing a Michael Jackson kick)
Lee: (Breaking character, going off script) Doesn't that shit get old man?? You are a one-trick pony you talentless bastard!
Carter: Look who's talking, Mr. "I do a whole bunch of clown-like kung-fu moves, and show the bloopers at the end"! Don't criticize me man, I'm only going by what the script tells me to do.
Lee: The Script? The same script that has me trying to "talk black" and start singing some black song to get cheap laughs?? Who wrote this shit, Paulie Shore??
Carter: Who cares, just do what your told, don't fuck up my cash cow man!!
Lee: Lets talk about that shall we!! You have only done 9 movies in a 13 year career, and one of those was "House Party 3" and shit!! I would say that you are like Corey Feldman because of how infrequent you both work, but at least his ass tries to get gigs. I'm tired of you sucking from my tit bitch!!
Carter: It's hard for black actors man! I have been offered a ton of shit, but you would have turned down "Kingdom Come", "Next Friday", and "Diary of a Mad Black woman" if that tripe landed on your desk!(starts balling uncontrollably) It's so hard!!! Wait a minute, how did you learn to suddenly speak English so well??
Lee: You have a chubby black blogger to thank for that. OK, back to the script! (Doing a James Brown Impression, dancing around like a crackhead who suffers from turrets) "I feel Good!! Da-da-da-dada-dada!!"
Movie: "Lethal Weapon 5: "Passion of the Riggs"
Starring: Mel Gibson as Sergeant Martin Riggs, and HumanityCritic (playing the Glover part) as Sergeant Roger Murtaugh
(Murtaugh and Riggs are about to fight two men wanted for murder in a dark alley)
Murtaugh:(to criminals): Guys, don't do anything foolish, come with us and you won't get hurt.
Criminal 1: Fuck you pig, we ain't going nowhere!!
Murtaugh: OK, but my partner Riggs is certifiable, you don't want any parts of him, last warning!
Criminal 2: Your blog sucks ass pal!
Murtaugh: OK, you asked for it. Riggs, get em!
(Riggs walks over to the two gentlemen, reaches in a fanny pack that he has and gives the men two bibles)
Riggs: Peace be with you my brothers!!
Murtaugh: Cut!! Cut!! What in the fuck was that? The script specifically said that you were to throat-chop the first one and break the arm of the second one. What's up?
Riggs: Yeah, umm, I read it and it seemed a bit too violent for my taste. If we were to show gratuitous violence like that it would remind people of..
Murtaugh:(interrupting) "Passion of the Christ"??
Riggs: No, that civilization as a whole was declining.
Murtaugh: Seriously, you made a shitload of dough on that "Jesus" movie, why are you still doing this shit?
Riggs: I lost a bet, you?
Murtaugh: Did you see "The Cookout"?? A brother has to do some relevant movies again, even if we overdo the same "Buddy Cop" cliches to death. I'm going to go through the McDonald's drive through, do you want anything.
Joe Pesci:(appears out of nowhere) Be careful, because they FUCK you in the drive-through!
Riggs: You are shameless Pesci, I never liked you in our flicks anyway. I liked you better when you were stabbing motherfuckers with pens in mob movies and shit. Get the fuck out of here ass-sack!!
Murtaugh: Ladies and Gentlemen, "Riggs" has entered the building. Lets do this scene, the right way.
Movie: "48 hours 3: 72 hours??"
Starring: Nick Nolte as Jack Cates, HumanityCritic(playing the Murphy part) as Reggie Hammond
(Jack drives up to the mansion of Reggie Hammond for his help for a case he is working on)
Hammond:(answering the door): Yes sir, what can I do for you today?
Cates: Convict, its me!! It's Jack!
Hammond: Jack?? You look like stirred fried shit man, how have you been?
Cates: Divorced, alcoholic, chain smoker..
Hammond: So nothing has changed in 20 years I see..(Looking in the driveway) You are still driving that same piece of shit convertible?? That's some sad shit Jack.
Cates: Listen, I need your help on a big case that I'm working on. Can you help me?
Hammond: (Smashing his middle finger into Jack's face) Man fuck you, I have a wife and kids, and I'm not trying to get my black ass shot up to save yours. Plus, aren't you like 70 now?? San Fransisco must need cops REALLY bad! ha-ha
Cates: Listen you Jungle Bunn..
Hammond: (breaking character) OK, cut, cut!! The racial epithets were tired 20 years ago, you think that shit would work now?? Hell no, the NAACP will be all over my ass if I let this fuck call me racial slurs. A brother has standards!
Cates: Is that why your black ass has been doing Disney movies for the past 15 years??
Hammond: I wanted to make movies that my kids could see. At least I am not a disgrace, what's up with that mug shot?
Cates: At least I know what I am, an aging alcoholic actor who likes to have a good time. At least people consider me a good actor, while you do "Bernie Goes to Compton" flicks, or whatever kid movie you want to coon for next. Wait a minute, you picking up a transvestite trumps any mugshot that I have!!
Hammond: Umm, I thought it was a girl, please change the subject. Do you know how stupid that story is?
Cates: As stupid as bloggers who try to passive aggressively hate on HumanityCritic through their backhanded comments?
(Cates, Hammond, and HumanityCritic turn to hating computer screens everywhere and flash a trio of middle fingers at the same time.)
Hammond: Yes, that stupid! Fuck it, I'll do it, but if you call me some foul shit I will knock you on your ass old man.