Tuesday, October 11, 2005

A Daydream about being stuck in a "Buddy Cop" movie and I'M the Black guy!!

The other day, as I sat in the office of a dude who has shown interest in publishing a book that I had just completed, I found myself in serious daydream mode. Even though I have had the same recurring daydreams since I was 15, either involving me scoring the winning basket of the NBA finals by dunking on someone, me rocking a stadium full of people with my "viscous rhymes", or being interviewed by Oprah as she calls me "The best actor ever", this particular daydream was a bit different. The daydream that I had this particular day, as I stared unconsciously at the legs of a miscellaneous receptionist, was one where I was stuck in a sort of "Buddy Cop movie" hell. Since I played "the black guy" in each scenario, excuse the piss poor Chis Tucker, Eddie Murphy, and Danny Glover impressions.

Movie Title: "Rush Hour 3: What is the fucking Rush anyway??"
Starring: Jackie Chan as Chief Inspector Lee, and HumanityCritic(playing the Tucker part) playing Detective James Carter.

(Lee and Carter are on a stakeout, waiting for a wanted arms dealer to show up at his warehouse.)

Lee: Carter, how do you know this is the correct location??

Carter: My cousin Bootsy told me man, he is as reliable as can get!

Lee: Like the time he told me that "Soul Plane" was the best movie a person could ever see?

Carter: Hey, he's human! Lets just wait here and you can see for yourself.

(Minutes pass by, so Carter, remembering the formula of the other Rush Hour movies, starts doing Michael Jackson impressions to pass the time.)

Carter: Hee-Hee!! (Doing a Michael Jackson kick)

Lee: (Breaking character, going off script) Doesn't that shit get old man?? You are a one-trick pony you talentless bastard!

Carter: Look who's talking, Mr. "I do a whole bunch of clown-like kung-fu moves, and show the bloopers at the end"! Don't criticize me man, I'm only going by what the script tells me to do.

Lee: The Script? The same script that has me trying to "talk black" and start singing some black song to get cheap laughs?? Who wrote this shit, Paulie Shore??

Carter: Who cares, just do what your told, don't fuck up my cash cow man!!

Lee: Lets talk about that shall we!! You have only done 9 movies in a 13 year career, and one of those was "House Party 3" and shit!! I would say that you are like Corey Feldman because of how infrequent you both work, but at least his ass tries to get gigs. I'm tired of you sucking from my tit bitch!!

Carter: It's hard for black actors man! I have been offered a ton of shit, but you would have turned down "Kingdom Come", "Next Friday", and "Diary of a Mad Black woman" if that tripe landed on your desk!(starts balling uncontrollably) It's so hard!!! Wait a minute, how did you learn to suddenly speak English so well??

Lee: You have a chubby black blogger to thank for that. OK, back to the script! (Doing a James Brown Impression, dancing around like a crackhead who suffers from turrets) "I feel Good!! Da-da-da-dada-dada!!"

Movie: "Lethal Weapon 5: "Passion of the Riggs"

Starring: Mel Gibson as Sergeant Martin Riggs, and HumanityCritic (playing the Glover part) as Sergeant Roger Murtaugh

(Murtaugh and Riggs are about to fight two men wanted for murder in a dark alley)

Murtaugh:(to criminals): Guys, don't do anything foolish, come with us and you won't get hurt.

Criminal 1: Fuck you pig, we ain't going nowhere!!

Murtaugh: OK, but my partner Riggs is certifiable, you don't want any parts of him, last warning!

Criminal 2: Your blog sucks ass pal!

Murtaugh: OK, you asked for it. Riggs, get em!

(Riggs walks over to the two gentlemen, reaches in a fanny pack that he has and gives the men two bibles)

Riggs: Peace be with you my brothers!!

Murtaugh: Cut!! Cut!! What in the fuck was that? The script specifically said that you were to throat-chop the first one and break the arm of the second one. What's up?

Riggs: Yeah, umm, I read it and it seemed a bit too violent for my taste. If we were to show gratuitous violence like that it would remind people of..

Murtaugh:(interrupting) "Passion of the Christ"??

Riggs: No, that civilization as a whole was declining.

Murtaugh: Seriously, you made a shitload of dough on that "Jesus" movie, why are you still doing this shit?

Riggs: I lost a bet, you?

Murtaugh: Did you see "The Cookout"?? A brother has to do some relevant movies again, even if we overdo the same "Buddy Cop" cliches to death. I'm going to go through the McDonald's drive through, do you want anything.

Joe Pesci:(appears out of nowhere) Be careful, because they FUCK you in the drive-through!

Riggs: You are shameless Pesci, I never liked you in our flicks anyway. I liked you better when you were stabbing motherfuckers with pens in mob movies and shit. Get the fuck out of here ass-sack!!

Murtaugh: Ladies and Gentlemen, "Riggs" has entered the building. Lets do this scene, the right way.

Movie: "48 hours 3: 72 hours??"

Starring: Nick Nolte as Jack Cates, HumanityCritic(playing the Murphy part) as Reggie Hammond

(Jack drives up to the mansion of Reggie Hammond for his help for a case he is working on)

Hammond:(answering the door): Yes sir, what can I do for you today?

Cates: Convict, its me!! It's Jack!

Hammond: Jack?? You look like stirred fried shit man, how have you been?

Cates: Divorced, alcoholic, chain smoker..

Hammond: So nothing has changed in 20 years I see..(Looking in the driveway) You are still driving that same piece of shit convertible?? That's some sad shit Jack.

Cates: Listen, I need your help on a big case that I'm working on. Can you help me?

Hammond: (Smashing his middle finger into Jack's face) Man fuck you, I have a wife and kids, and I'm not trying to get my black ass shot up to save yours. Plus, aren't you like 70 now?? San Fransisco must need cops REALLY bad! ha-ha

Cates: Listen you Jungle Bunn..

Hammond: (breaking character) OK, cut, cut!! The racial epithets were tired 20 years ago, you think that shit would work now?? Hell no, the NAACP will be all over my ass if I let this fuck call me racial slurs. A brother has standards!

Cates: Is that why your black ass has been doing Disney movies for the past 15 years??

Hammond: I wanted to make movies that my kids could see. At least I am not a disgrace, what's up with that mug shot?

Cates: At least I know what I am, an aging alcoholic actor who likes to have a good time. At least people consider me a good actor, while you do "Bernie Goes to Compton" flicks, or whatever kid movie you want to coon for next. Wait a minute, you picking up a transvestite trumps any mugshot that I have!!

Hammond: Umm, I thought it was a girl, please change the subject. Do you know how stupid that story is?

Cates: As stupid as bloggers who try to passive aggressively hate on HumanityCritic through their backhanded comments?

(Cates, Hammond, and HumanityCritic turn to hating computer screens everywhere and flash a trio of middle fingers at the same time.)

Hammond: Yes, that stupid! Fuck it, I'll do it, but if you call me some foul shit I will knock you on your ass old man.



Karen said...

You have a gift for dialogue, simply brilliant.

Anonymous said...

Jackie Chan's english improved greatly in your version of things. Funny as shit!

Anonymous who signs her name: Mary

Oliviasmommi said...

OK...Buddy Cop Humor aside...what happened with the publisher and the book deal??? Enquiring Minds want to know...........

FantasyFootballGuru said...

I love the way you intermingle those characters like that and break the "3rd" wall. Jackie Chans english has improved!!

shinjyo said...

That is so true about Chris Tuckers career, I was thinking about that yesterday.

bec said...

I'm not even worried about your book becayse we all know you will make a million dollars doing so. The "Buddy Cop" post is so fucking creative dude, you truly amaze me.

Brother OMi said...

black actors need to stick together.. ~! lol you funny dude

kick Chris tuckers ass for the buffoonery.. word to herb

dope post again...

damion said...

I Live for you and your brilliant ass mind. HC, you've done it again!

CaffeineDiva said...

...and I thought my daydreams were warped.
At least you didn't do some Fifth Element shit with Chris Tucker's extravagant, over the top MC character with Bruce Willis' unwashed, bitter, lovesick character after he knocks up the supreme being.

lindsay-lee said...

Mayne, I know I have said this before but you are truly creative! This was some funny ish!

mai said...

lol @ 'they fuck you in the drive through'

man, i dunno, but that's never happened to me. damn shame, too...

i mean, um, good post! yeah, that's it.

Luke Cage said...

Ahhh, a subject that's right up my alley. MOVIES!!! And the whole thing done in great HC stellar fashion. Hey, I liked the way you incorporated yourself into the black actor's roles. Murtaugh's was the best though...

This exchange was the funniest though:

Riggs: Yeah, umm, I read it and it seemed a bit too violent for my taste. If we were to show gratuitous violence like that it would remind people of..

Murtaugh:(interrupting) "Passion of the Christ"??

Running2Ks said...

LOL. Have you considered a career in screenwriting? Or for SNL so that the show won't suck so much?

Butta said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Butta said...

And, Scene!

That was great HC. Add future screenwriter to your to do list, cause that was some good stuff. Keep it up!

Deirdre said...

You are a freaking genious...oh yes you are! :)

I loved this:) I come by all the time I had to comment on this one for sure...You're the blk guy...wonderful stuff!:)

E said...

That was some funny shit. I can't believe you threw Soul Plane in there. The only good thing about that movie was the beautiful K.D. Aubert. I'd switch teams to have a night of hot passion with her.

larin von smartass said...

wow! that was quite the extensive daydream while having a meeting... i'm impressed. and it was rather humourous too, so im doubly impressed! what happenned with the book deal?

i'm from va beach, now im in "da 8-0-fo"

Jdid said...

i liked the rush hour one best

Bullet Proof Diva said...

ha ha! classic HC, love it. I am soo mad at the Passion line, I soo didn't see it coming, ha ha!

Sterfish said...

Absolutely hilarious. Carter crying at the lack of good black movies had me dying.

Rell said...

sad thing is, ain't rush hour 3 being made?

kathi said...

Writer, musician, actor...you're rather impressive hc.

m said...

Hilarious! Now those movies i'd pay good money to see! And Luke Cage -- that's priceless! LOL!

David said...

HC, good luck with your book! Maybe Chris Tucker or Eddie Murphy will option the rights. I think they could appreciate your style of humor!

HappyGobo said...

Ever thought about writing a script? If you want somebody to shoot it, just let me know.

As a student film, under a certain length, with certain restrictions on number of characters and locations, and no X-rated material, but still...I'd shoot it!


SimplyDiva said...

I have heard it all. I'mma need for you to tone down the daydreaming. lol

Elizabeth said...

More about the book deal- I want a book deal- DETAILS-

Weary Hag said...

This post is hysterical... you ARE multi-talented, aren't you?

Thanks for the laughs...

hque said...

and to think..they want to do a Rush Hour 3..Didn't the learn from "Another 48 Hours"