"..and she says he's just a friend"

Did I ever tell you how I distrust any male friend of a woman I'm dating, if only for just a little while? I know, I know, men and women can be platonic friends, yadda-yadda-yadda. I have a couple female friends who I have never contemplated penetrating, so I know that friendships between opposite sexes is indeed possible. But ladies, take it from a guy who used to prey on women who were already attached like Siamese twins and shit, I am an authority on the subject. It's horrible, and in no way am I glorifying my actions, but at one time I felt it was easier being with women in relationships because the chances of her stalking me, asking for a commitment, or meeting her parents were slim to none. Listen, because of my lecherous ways I think the relationship gods have put me in a sort of relationship purgatory for the past 6 years, so I feel that I have paid for my sins. That's why I wasn't really mad at an ex who left me for a dude who was a step above being a goddamned pan handler, because I figured it was just chickens coming home to roost.

Of course many men are wary of other men who want to be your friend ladies, but our irritation isn't directed at our mistrust of you but the intentions of that miserable motherfucker who is posing as your friend. It's like when I asked my gay neighbor about his "gay-dar", he simply replied, "HumanityCritic, we can smell our own!!" Because I was a dirty bastard who liked to get intimate with girls who had boyfriends, I can spot them a million miles away. I guess the counter argument from the Ladies would be, "But at the end of the day its my choice also, so you really don't trust me!!" OK ladies, lets say your man had a co-worker who you met on a few occasions, smiled in your face, and seemed like a very nice woman. Wouldn't you want to go to your man's job and beat the brakes off that broad if she tried to get to know your man "biblicly" and told your man, "I don't care if you have a girlfriend or not", after that chick smiled all in your face and shit? That's what I thought. I came up with a few helpful hints for men to spot out a guy who is trying to "hit" your woman like a pinata, and some useful information for women on spotting a wolf in sheep's clothing.

Acting Nervous: I always know when a predator, posing as a platonic of friend of my lady is up to know good, especially when they start acting extremely nervous and shit. I mean, if your intentions are pure and you have no plans on seeing certain parts reserved for me and her gynecologist, there shouldn't be any profuse sweating and stammering when you don't have a speech impediment. I dated a girl in college who had a friend named "Ray", who she not only swore by, but I was told that he was the "life of the party" and a virtual barrel of laughs. I knew something was up because when I was around and "Ray" didn't seem comical any more, to the point that he couldn't give me eye contact and people in attendance openly asked him if "Everything was OK?" See, when I was on more girlfriends than engagement rings and I happened to meet someones boyfriend, I would act cool as a fan because like animals who smell fear, a dude can tell when you are trying to "tap" his misses. So ladies, if your new "homeboy" starts stuttering and stammering like Barney Fife in a crack-house when your man shows up, you might want to re-examine your new found friendship.

Sob Story: Fellas, if your girlfriend's "Homeboy" tends to always have a sob story, or play the "miserable bastard" role, look out. I won't generalize because women who read my blog are very diverse, but it is my experience that some ladies like mothering people and try to become Captain-Save-A-Douche to some asshole who calls himself her "friend". When I was in the business of being a total heathen, I wouldn't use this tactic because it could backfire and you could be branded an absolute loser across your city. But a few years ago I encountered this first hand, by a friend of a girlfriend who always seemed to have his "heart broken", or his "shit stolen", I even think he said that his mother became paralyzed in a "rock climbing" accident.(I shit you not) Even though these things could have happened, I was so tired of her running by the assholes side when his life was in shambles I confronted him in a public bathroom when we were all at the movies one night. I pushed him against the bathroom wall and said, "I know what you're up to, I invented this shit man. Back away or I will maul your motherfucking ass!!" This dude smiled and said, "You beat me up then I look like an even greater victim in the eyes of your girlfriend? Feel free!" He had done his homework, he was good. I finally got rid of him by befriending him, going out with him, and paying a few friends that I know to "jump" us while they beat his ass. It was hard because I had to take a dive and act like I was getting my ass handed to me as well, which was hard, but to see him get his ass beaten was priceless. I said that some women want to mother people, but having him sob like a 5 year old girl with a skinned knee was even too much for my then girlfriend to deal with. A couple of months later, she knew that I had orchestrated the whole thing when she said, "I knew something was up when you took that "ass-whipping" with grace and style"

Listen to them talk: It is my feeling that like playing poker, if you watch someone long enough they will expose their "tells"(mannerisms telling you how they are going to bet) People's true intentions eventually come out, and are for the most part bad actors and can't maintain any type of facade forever. If a dude is really a friend of your lady, he will express his feeling for her like a sister, like "she's like family" or "that's my home girl right there", shit like that. But this one time I had a dude actually tell me, "She is special man, she is like a beam of sunlight on a hot summer day. I wish I was you man, don't fuck it up!" Huh?? That's too much admiration for someone that claims to only be her "friend", his ass had to go. So I paid the waitress to pour a tray of drinks on his ass, which turned out to be quite the investment because he got so mad he called that woman every inflammatory thing a man could say to a woman. The B-Word..The C word that ends with a T..The S word that.., OK he called he a slut.. Anyway, this totally ruined his sweet, "nice guy" image he was trying to portray. See ya sucker!

Talk to his friends: Most guys will give up their friends for a few beers, so if you have the chance to talk to that "predator's" friends I suggest you do it. You learn from these ignorant sons of bitches that the guy who is "sensitive" and "caring", once had a rape charge in college, and other things that exposes him as a fraud. On the flip side of that, if their friends display the same type of closed-mouthed nervousness around you as well, something is probably up.

You went Bra shopping?: I'm not sure about any of you, but if you aren't a gay male there shouldn't be any reason a man should enjoy shopping for bra's and shit with a woman. Like a Kobe Bryant rap album, that shit doesn't make any sense to me. There was a dude named Mike who used to go and shop with a lady friend of mine some years back, and when I asked if he was gay and was told "no" I knew something was up. Granted, I once preyed on women with boyfriends, even I couldn't go that route, even a scumbag has standards. I forgot how I got rid of him, something to do with telling him if I ever found out that he had bad intentions that I would "castrate him in a public place", but I can't quite remember exactly. I see him nowadays and he always tries to shake my hand where I say, "Fuuuck you!" OK, did I tell you how I could hold a grudge?

They Talk shit about you: When female friends of a girlfriend that I have usually talk shit about me, they know they are safe because I can't beat the shit out of them. But, dudes posing as friends mistakenly think that they have the same privilege and join in on the "HumanityCritic" bashing. He forgot that he is a man, so he was eligible to get a first class ass beating, and his name was next on the list. How do I know he spoke ill of yours truly? Well, Ladies, no matter how much of a psycho your man is about something, many of you can't resist telling your man exactly what would set him off. I remember it like it was yesterday, my girlfriend coming in and saying, "The other day John said that you were a piece of shit who needed to be taught a lesson, and that you are lucky that you never stepped to him. He thinks that I should leave you alone as well!!" Now, why did she just say that to me?? So the following weekend I went to a club that they were all at, walked up to John and kicked him dead in the chest to the point that he fell backwards and slid about 4 feet onto the dance floor. As John was holding his chest and crying like a character in a ghetto gospel play I screamed, "What did you have to say now!!" That was when a couple of bouncer proceeded in kicking the living shit out of me, but that's beside the point, John got the message.