I have to admit something that will probably lose me street credibility amongst members of my fellow male species. I have to be the only straight male in existence that has dreamed about his wedding day since he was a kid, sad but true. I used to think about how beautiful the proceedings would be, my fictitious wife standing there in a pose of elegance, even making a wish-list of people who I would invite to my life altering celebration. Now that I'm older, the vision of my wedding has changed a bit, I see having a old school "hip hop" theme where you could only get in if you wear clothes from the golden era of Hip Hop.(1986-1992) But realistically I know whoever I marry won't be with that idea, so I will probably find a happy medium and start a life long habit of buckling like a belt to my wife's requests. But there are some things that I do see for my wedding undoubtedly, like having a kick ass reception, telling the DJ that if he plays one wack song that I will hit him over the head with his own equipment, and I can see myself mercilessly beating the breaks off of any ex-boyfriend of my wife's who wants to ruin the festivities by expressing his "undying love for her" and how much of an "asshole" I am.
But my visions of wedded bliss are always interrupted by a splash in the face of stone cold reality, if I want to have a successful marriage there are some changes that I have to make. I'm not talking about changing any serious personality traits, just certain quirks that might have my future bride running for the hills faster than Julie Andrews in the "Sound of Music" with a crack habit.
1. My Temper: I subscribe to the school of not bragging about things that you "should" do or "shouldn't" do in the first place, but be clear that I find violence against women deplorable and a act that has never crossed my mind. Any of you that have read my blog for a few moments know that I have been seeing my therapist for my anger issues, and I really think that I am making progress. Lately I have avoided situations that usually I would have punched men for, and when I walked away from said situation I didn't regret it. I figured to myself, "If I can walk away from certain situations by myself, I can surely do so around a loved one keeping them out of harms way." Right? Wrong. I was recently somewhere with a beloved elderly family member of mine, and she accidentally bumped into a young woman while coming back from the bathroom. This family member, apologized profusely, but the chick she bumped in to called her a "old bitch" and acted like she wanted to fight this elderly member of my family. I could actually hear the young lady in question, and her chickenhead friend continuously talking shit from their table behind us. Enraged, I grabbed my pitcher of beer, walked over to their table, and poured the contents all over them screaming "Look what you dime-store whores made me do!!!!" I had totally forgotten who I was with as I demanded one of their boyfriends to "Do something!!" Yeah, I have to work on my temper before I tie that not.
2. My pornography Stash: OK, I wouldn't say that I have a criminal amount of porn, but when you open up the cabinet of DVD's exposing said porn a bright light shines through, and all you hear is loud choral music blasting. Being single for so long, pornography has unfortunately become a trusty pal, being that crutch when some hot piece of ass wants to be with me but she is probably more diseased than that monkey in outbreak.("Chasing Amy" reference) Porn to the rescue! But in all seriousness, I don't really see getting rid of my porn supply as being a problem, as long as my future wife doesn't mind laying down with a dread-locked blogger, willing to give her the most fantastic 2 minutes and 4 seconds of her life.
3: My flirting Ways: Flirting, since being a single man, has been as natural for me as breathing or hating black republicans. Being that I'm single, there isn't really any harm in it, just I know that it might be a hard habit to break once I decide to get married. Let me explain how ingrained in my DNA flirting is to me: Last week, I was sitting at a bar when this lady told me that she wanted me to be her personal "chocolate kiss" that she could "taste" whenever she wanted. This lady was old enough to be my mother, and looked like she moonlighted as a Treasure Troll, I still talked shit to her just to entertain myself.(Being a chubby kid, it is hard to deny compliments, regardless where they are coming from) I remember being at the free clinic to get a yearly Aids test when I was in college, and flirting with a woman who worked there. She gave me a "I don't know why you are here, you could have a plethora of diseases for all I know" look, but I kept on talking like I actually had a chance.
4. No more strip clubs: I know I have talked about how bad strip clubs are, a couple of times, but I have to expose my hypocrisy and admit that I secretly love them. I know that the women there will lie to me to get more tips, I know I will hear "I'm only doing this to get me through school" a million times, I know all the reasons why I should detest strip clubs. But I realized the other day that I have a 14 year old boys obsession with strip clubs, in a "look, boobies!" sort of way. It's pretty primal, but I just enjoy seeing naked women dance around within a 20 yard radius from me, sick but true. So, I'm pretty sure that whoever I plan to hand my nuts over to won't want to hear my eloquent reasons why I enjoy coming home with glitter all over my body.
5. My child rearing beliefs: I sincerely believe, because I was shown how "not to" do it, that I will be a great father. The only problem is that I know for a fact that I will think that my offspring will be the best child to have ever existed, and that any other kid will be intellectually inferior to mine. My gut feeling has me trying to meet their friends, even at a young age, and if those krumbsnatching bastards know all of the words to a Hip Hop song but can't spell their name, they aren't hanging around my blessed child. Wanting them to have an advantage ahead of all the other simpleton children, I can actually see myself teaching my child life lessons at age 3 and shit.(not to mention me wanting to play Mozart, Miles Davis, Public Enemy, Nina Simone, and Jimi Hendrix at my wife's belly while she is pregnant) OK, I'm psycho, but I would have to relax my parental techniques before I decide to spend my life with someone, but can't you just tell that some kids are going to be life long criminals or bottomfeeders? Ok, I'll stop.
6. Be nice to her friends. I have a horrible history of being an absolute shit-heel to the friends of women that I have dated. Granted, if you are cool with me I will be your friend forever, but if you ever say some slick shit about me or to me you will be on my lifelong shit list. Why is it always the women who haven't had a man since the theatrical release of "Police Academy" that want to give someone relationship advice?? Shut the fuck up!! Also, when I get mad at people I tend to let confidential information slip out when I am going completely off. Like this one time that a friend of a girlfriend said that I "wasn't shit", so I said: "That's why you went to Cancun and let 5 guys run a train on you, and your silly ass came back home and wondered why you "suddenly" had the clap". My girlfriend at the time was appalled that I let that slip, so you can imagine how pissed her friend was. But now that I'm older, I realize that I will have to make compromises with the friends of my wife, whoever that may be.
7. When I can't sleep, I drive: I have horrible sleeping habits, and many nights I find myself tossing and turning unable to fall asleep, so I hop in my car and drive around for an hour or so. This behavior might confuse women in the same way Star Jones' husband is confused about his sexuality, but it relaxes me and when I'm done I sleep like a baby. Women might feel that that habit isn't really a difficult one, but I am pretty sure you would think different if you woke up at 3 in the morning and your man was nowhere in sight. Yeah, I might have to change my habits just a bit.