Wednesday, October 12, 2005

A Few Changes to make before I walk down the Aisle.

I have to admit something that will probably lose me street credibility amongst members of my fellow male species. I have to be the only straight male in existence that has dreamed about his wedding day since he was a kid, sad but true. I used to think about how beautiful the proceedings would be, my fictitious wife standing there in a pose of elegance, even making a wish-list of people who I would invite to my life altering celebration. Now that I'm older, the vision of my wedding has changed a bit, I see having a old school "hip hop" theme where you could only get in if you wear clothes from the golden era of Hip Hop.(1986-1992) But realistically I know whoever I marry won't be with that idea, so I will probably find a happy medium and start a life long habit of buckling like a belt to my wife's requests. But there are some things that I do see for my wedding undoubtedly, like having a kick ass reception, telling the DJ that if he plays one wack song that I will hit him over the head with his own equipment, and I can see myself mercilessly beating the breaks off of any ex-boyfriend of my wife's who wants to ruin the festivities by expressing his "undying love for her" and how much of an "asshole" I am.

But my visions of wedded bliss are always interrupted by a splash in the face of stone cold reality, if I want to have a successful marriage there are some changes that I have to make. I'm not talking about changing any serious personality traits, just certain quirks that might have my future bride running for the hills faster than Julie Andrews in the "Sound of Music" with a crack habit.

1. My Temper: I subscribe to the school of not bragging about things that you "should" do or "shouldn't" do in the first place, but be clear that I find violence against women deplorable and a act that has never crossed my mind. Any of you that have read my blog for a few moments know that I have been seeing my therapist for my anger issues, and I really think that I am making progress. Lately I have avoided situations that usually I would have punched men for, and when I walked away from said situation I didn't regret it. I figured to myself, "If I can walk away from certain situations by myself, I can surely do so around a loved one keeping them out of harms way." Right? Wrong. I was recently somewhere with a beloved elderly family member of mine, and she accidentally bumped into a young woman while coming back from the bathroom. This family member, apologized profusely, but the chick she bumped in to called her a "old bitch" and acted like she wanted to fight this elderly member of my family. I could actually hear the young lady in question, and her chickenhead friend continuously talking shit from their table behind us. Enraged, I grabbed my pitcher of beer, walked over to their table, and poured the contents all over them screaming "Look what you dime-store whores made me do!!!!" I had totally forgotten who I was with as I demanded one of their boyfriends to "Do something!!" Yeah, I have to work on my temper before I tie that not.

2. My pornography Stash: OK, I wouldn't say that I have a criminal amount of porn, but when you open up the cabinet of DVD's exposing said porn a bright light shines through, and all you hear is loud choral music blasting. Being single for so long, pornography has unfortunately become a trusty pal, being that crutch when some hot piece of ass wants to be with me but she is probably more diseased than that monkey in outbreak.("Chasing Amy" reference) Porn to the rescue! But in all seriousness, I don't really see getting rid of my porn supply as being a problem, as long as my future wife doesn't mind laying down with a dread-locked blogger, willing to give her the most fantastic 2 minutes and 4 seconds of her life.

3: My flirting Ways: Flirting, since being a single man, has been as natural for me as breathing or hating black republicans. Being that I'm single, there isn't really any harm in it, just I know that it might be a hard habit to break once I decide to get married. Let me explain how ingrained in my DNA flirting is to me: Last week, I was sitting at a bar when this lady told me that she wanted me to be her personal "chocolate kiss" that she could "taste" whenever she wanted. This lady was old enough to be my mother, and looked like she moonlighted as a Treasure Troll, I still talked shit to her just to entertain myself.(Being a chubby kid, it is hard to deny compliments, regardless where they are coming from) I remember being at the free clinic to get a yearly Aids test when I was in college, and flirting with a woman who worked there. She gave me a "I don't know why you are here, you could have a plethora of diseases for all I know" look, but I kept on talking like I actually had a chance.

4. No more strip clubs: I know I have talked about how bad strip clubs are, a couple of times, but I have to expose my hypocrisy and admit that I secretly love them. I know that the women there will lie to me to get more tips, I know I will hear "I'm only doing this to get me through school" a million times, I know all the reasons why I should detest strip clubs. But I realized the other day that I have a 14 year old boys obsession with strip clubs, in a "look, boobies!" sort of way. It's pretty primal, but I just enjoy seeing naked women dance around within a 20 yard radius from me, sick but true. So, I'm pretty sure that whoever I plan to hand my nuts over to won't want to hear my eloquent reasons why I enjoy coming home with glitter all over my body.

5. My child rearing beliefs: I sincerely believe, because I was shown how "not to" do it, that I will be a great father. The only problem is that I know for a fact that I will think that my offspring will be the best child to have ever existed, and that any other kid will be intellectually inferior to mine. My gut feeling has me trying to meet their friends, even at a young age, and if those krumbsnatching bastards know all of the words to a Hip Hop song but can't spell their name, they aren't hanging around my blessed child. Wanting them to have an advantage ahead of all the other simpleton children, I can actually see myself teaching my child life lessons at age 3 and shit.(not to mention me wanting to play Mozart, Miles Davis, Public Enemy, Nina Simone, and Jimi Hendrix at my wife's belly while she is pregnant) OK, I'm psycho, but I would have to relax my parental techniques before I decide to spend my life with someone, but can't you just tell that some kids are going to be life long criminals or bottomfeeders? Ok, I'll stop.

6. Be nice to her friends. I have a horrible history of being an absolute shit-heel to the friends of women that I have dated. Granted, if you are cool with me I will be your friend forever, but if you ever say some slick shit about me or to me you will be on my lifelong shit list. Why is it always the women who haven't had a man since the theatrical release of "Police Academy" that want to give someone relationship advice?? Shut the fuck up!! Also, when I get mad at people I tend to let confidential information slip out when I am going completely off. Like this one time that a friend of a girlfriend said that I "wasn't shit", so I said: "That's why you went to Cancun and let 5 guys run a train on you, and your silly ass came back home and wondered why you "suddenly" had the clap". My girlfriend at the time was appalled that I let that slip, so you can imagine how pissed her friend was. But now that I'm older, I realize that I will have to make compromises with the friends of my wife, whoever that may be.

7. When I can't sleep, I drive: I have horrible sleeping habits, and many nights I find myself tossing and turning unable to fall asleep, so I hop in my car and drive around for an hour or so. This behavior might confuse women in the same way Star Jones' husband is confused about his sexuality, but it relaxes me and when I'm done I sleep like a baby. Women might feel that that habit isn't really a difficult one, but I am pretty sure you would think different if you woke up at 3 in the morning and your man was nowhere in sight. Yeah, I might have to change my habits just a bit.

55 comments:

Nicky said...

Great post as always.

CaffeineDiva said...

You are either super honest or crazy... I can't decide which one yet, But this is a great post. You are one talented fucker, ya know that.
ok, if you get a very understanding woman, you really may not have to stress to much about #2 or #4. But as a huge flirt myself, I understand #3 completely!

soxlove said...

You are alright with me. Your range of talent and self-reflective approach to topics cease to amaze me. Enough with singing your praises.

I am with you on reasons 1, 5, 6, & 7. I say all the work we do beforehand makes it just a bit easier later down the road.

totolehero said...

i might steal your idea of the "old-school hip hop" theme for my wedding !!!

Amadeo said...

My cousin and his groomsmen danced down to the aisle while "All I Need" by Meth and Mary J. played...I can't blame you for the pitcher of beer.

Luke Cage said...

Damn HC. You gave those honeys a beer bath? Kudos man. Nobody.. but NOBODY rags on a family member, especially a beloved one at that. Take that hussiez -lol

I don't know about you brotha, but I'd haveta keep the porn stash. Ya never NEVER know, when they may come in handy...

Oliviasmommi said...

Keep the porn...your new wife might enjoy watching it with you *smile*

chele said...

great post! never knew a guy that actually put any thought into this type of thing (woman either, for that matter). if I would have worked on my temper, flirting, child rearing ideas, his friends and my porn stash -- maybe I'd still be married. :)

Sparkling said...

Once you find your special someone you'll only want to flirt with her. Good luck!

msjaim said...

Ur a wild man…some call it schizophrenic I call it multifaceted...lmbao!

Anonymous said...

Sounds to me like you might be in a new relationship and God bless and I hope that everything works out. You know I just walked down the aisle and my first dance was on a hip hop song that I wrote. oh it was sweet! BUT yeah all those things you listed were on point because I know those things would have had to been changed if we were going to be married back in day! LOL! I hated your porn your late night dissappearances mmm hmmm

thir13teenandtheysayitain'tlucky said...

Driving at night is excellent, especially when you have good driving music.... I don't think anybody understands it... the habit drove my ex-boyfriend crazy....

Anonymous said...

Interesting post, but any changes you make should be because YOU want to better yourself. Otherwise, they won’t “stick”. Trust me. Been there, done that. So does this mean you’ve finally met Mrs. Critic? Is her dad’s first name Lucipher by chance?

I am Jack said...

Damn, why is it that people who diss you do it anonymously? Lucifer? I guess it is good to know that more children are browsing the net nowadays with the level of that retort.

Anyway, funny as usual.

Maverick said...

Yo, I don't think "Anonymous" was dissing HC...I think his/her comments are being taken the wrong way...but that is just my opinion...

piranha said...

 eah, changings work most of the time only when you do them for ¥ourself, but breaking habits, if there is no real reason to do so? difficult. breaking habits is difficult anyways. i hope you find Ms. Crittic, I would love to hear about the kids....
and you being a daddy, yeah, i wish you meet her soon just because i am egoistic and want to hear those stories!!!! :)
so i guess Ms. Critic needs to be one strong woman....to help breaking these habits..;

Jdid said...

the flirting is the hardest to let go of man. trust me i still cant completely do it lol

Id it is said...

Your candour must have won you many a heart.
Nice post!

Anonymous said...

Thank you Maverick. You are right. It was a joke. Glad that at least one reader is working with both sides of their brain! (That was a joke too, BTW)

Fran said...

Ahh I missed it here! I dunno, but it felt good reading that part where you dumped that pitcher on those girls. Hmph, they deserved it!

I am Jack said...

Naw, there are too many haters who diss HC anonymously, its hard to tell the disses from the poorly executed jokes.

FantasyFootballGuru said...

funny as shit..

bec said...

You have a gift!! Your writing skill is unparalelled.

WIP said...

First off, I love it when you talk "old school" to me *LOL* -"wack" and "chickenhead" are two classics. I think the Hip Hop wedding theme is "fresh!" Bob wigs, bangles, acid wash jeans, Adidas, looking like a color jamboree up in there. I so bore of attending the traditional ceremonies. Hopefully you'll be able to have a little of your heart's desire one day [soon]. The things you speak of about changes, I'm sure will happen right before your eyes. You sound a lot like my husband, and he's so mellowed out in comparison to the stories I've heard from his loved ones. But then again, none of the kids are playing any organized sports, Pop Warner, etc. yet. I hear the temper police coming... And playing those tunes for the baby in utero for the Mrs. HC wouldn't be psycho. Hell, when I was prego times three, I could care less if he talked on his cell while laying his head in my lap, long as he was showing my big behind some love! Lastly, the late night driving would definitely be replaced by your desire to drive your "Jag" in her "garage" on a regular - or whenever you tossed and turned and rubbed up against all that is blanketed, if you get my drift.

Off to repent for my (cough) unintentional (cough cough) flirting.

WIP said...

Oh, and one more thing, my husband can vouch for this one ... I came down the hallway (House wedding, what?) on an old school slow jam, but the only way I could get this particular song for the DJ (Read: li'l cousin in charge of starting the tape.) was on tape. Long story short, what preceeded the song was an intro talked up by "Jam Pony Express DJs." A southern thing. Imagine when li'l cuz started the tape and it wasn't exactly at the start of the song and all through the house you heard, "You are now listening to the heavy weight of the state Jam ... Pony ... Express ..." Heck, that's why I can't remember the song to save my life all the ghetto-ness has blocked my memory.

Midlife Crisis said...

Could it be that you fancy yourself having met the woman you would make these er, sacrifices for?
Do tell.

Well, then again, not yet. I suppose it is best you wait until she's witnessed about the fifteenth ass-reaming/kicking. If Homegirl still got your back, then perhaps you should start thinking of scaling back on your habits *grin*

But not too much. Please.

Kenya said...

Work on number 1 and number 6, and you can marry me. As far as the sleeping habits...I got something that'll give ya a good nights sleep. :) Seriously though, good post. It's nice to see that some men actually think about those types of things.

Mahogany L. Browne said...

that is the most inspiring thing i have ever read from a man - i think you may have restored my faith...

MsPerdie said...

Yeah, you have just a few habits to change. But the kid thing, when I was pregnant with my daughter, I used to play music for her. Mozart, Beethoven, etc. That's not a bad thing!

Thinkerbelle said...

So what's up James, did the right one tell you she loves your blog? (Smile)

kathi said...

I think you're adorable. I'm impressed that you are so willing to compromise to make someone you love (will love) more comfortable and secure in your relationship. I'm sure there will be things she'll give up too. You are talking marriage, after all...not just living together till you get bored or pissed off.
On another note, what's the difference between a black republican and a white one?

dreamgirl said...

I have been away from blogging for a minute, but I think I'm back and I'll def be tuning in to you...you're pretty funny...

chele said...

...hmmm don't know why you have to give away the porn..
just as long as afterwards, whatever arises should be explored by the two of you..
...same with the strip clubs..
I would say take her with you..
Oh wait.. nah most girls won't be able to do that..
As far as the flirt part..
Just make sure that the woman you finally do settle down with is very confident with herself..
Ok .. I know you did not want me to publish a book..
great post.
m

Bullet Proof Diva said...

awww HC! How endearing...you are so cool to admit to this! I KNEW dudes thought this way sometimes, hmm...I am hoping the future Ms. HC will be the perfect ying to your yang and you won't have to alter TOO much of who you are...I imagine she will fall for you regardless...those idiosyncrasies shouldn't stop that...except for maybe that flirting thing...you would not disclose too many details about that though... well, you shouldn't that is.

fantastic writing...as usual.

theclamwhisperer said...

You're very honest and open about your quirks...that's why I don't take much of it serious. A man who truly thinks he had a problem would hide this stuff like a cat in litter. I think you'll probably make a good husband and great dad...but I suppose I would get the anger in check. A wife and kid can make even the meek and mild flare. Your temper sounds like the sort that could inspire more Rocky flicks and if that happens, even I'll come out swinging.

*junglefevAh* said...

i can't belive you've been dreaming about marriage since you were a kid


ha!


my opinion on marriage is that not enough people put enough thought into it.
i also feel the same way about kids.

at 26 i'm not into marriage, i'm not into kids... but if i ever am you bet your ass i'm going to think long and hard about it....

but until then, fuck that shit!

i'm still 18 :oD

ManNMotion said...

Just let her read your blog, once she does that, she'll be very understanding.

Spo said...

outstanding post and kudos to thee for the chasing amy ref

**RPM** said...

Good luck on this campaign HC. The porn thing may possibly be hard to break. My personal favorite about the strip clubs are the guys that say they go because the food is so good.

WTF?

mai said...

you know, i always did love coming here. your 'idiosyncrasies' are not as bad or as uncommon as you might think, and the fact that you can even admit they're 'relationship-postponement-worthy' issues is light years beyond lots of guys, so pat yourself on the back for that one.

but yeah, i have to agree with you - some females just make you that mad (commendable that you don't go there), so it's hard to hold yourself back sometimes.
that flirting thing? kill that.
the porn thing? sure, okay, watch, but try to watch together sometimes (i think it's fun, anyway).
being nice? um, some people are just evil, so being evil back isn't always a bad thing. toning it down = good.
yeah, driving relaxes me, too. just not at 2 am. well, yeah, at 2 am, too.
i'm all over that kids thing. can't stand 'Other People's Children'. i don't dislike just any random kids, but the ones you have to actually label 'Other People's Children'.


so yeah, not as bad as you think. there's someone for everyone, i guess. just work on it 'til ya find her. which i guess is what the purpose of the post was. so never mind.

your post rocked, as always.

VAN007 said...

1, 3, & 7 might be a problem.... who knows you might find a woman that has a porn stash just as large as yours ;-) and enjoys strip clubs just as much as you.

You know that any child you have will be the best so why not think the world of them.

Nneka's World said...

Cant stop laughing!, wow funny, refreshing and candid. Well goodluck with everything!

Icey said...

Wonderful writing as usual!!
Um...porn is hot...as long as it is part of the foreplay
Scrippers are hot...as long as you don't go home with them and you take wifey with you sometimes!

Ok...so maybe those were overshares? lol

Good luck finding Ms. Potential Mrs.!!

Funkee said...

WEll you're on your way to finding Mrs. Right with those uh "changes" :) Keep dreaming.....never stop :)

Nova said...

I can DEFINITELY relate to you on the driving thing HC. It's just so damn relaxing when you feel restless. Don't take the temper down too much though, it's quite the source of entertainment. LOL

Starla Spaulding said...

The secret it out. There are guys out there who imagine what their wedding and marriage would be like.

It's a very good sign that you're working out what you need to in order to move to the next phase of your life. Change is never easy.

feels good b n FREE said...

good luck with that

Hummingbyrd said...

But these are all the things that make you interesting....:)

Caren said...

Why would you have to get rid of your porn collection? There are LOTS of women who like porn.

Parenting classes if you've no clue about raising a child. From what I've read about them, they make a huge difference.

msjaim said...

Um, exactly what karen said dammit!.. As I stated on one of ur blogs b4 there r plenty of chicks who love flicks ..*cough, cough* if anyone has anything to share, Im on the "blue bird" *cough cough*...LMBAO...DOnt change for anyone but urself dammit!

The strip club thing.. I can see that, I wouldnt want my guy having miscellaneous vaginas being rubbed on him, so to that end, as a cure for this issue, have a pole installed in ur house! They only run like $300.00 if u shop around..LOL.. WHo ever he is, my husband will be one very lucky guy!

Kelly said...

"That's why you went to Cancun and let 5 guys run a train on you, and your silly ass came back home and wondered why you "suddenly" had the clap". omg, i'm dying with laughter. That is the funniest shit ever! My boyfriend is pretty good at the "be nice to your girlfriends friends" thing. But he told one of my good friends "Listen bitch, either talk on the phone in the other room or shut the fuck up and play the game." I couldn't believe it. He's normally good about things like that. But in that situation, I couldn't blame him, lol. She was even annoying the piss out of me!

Joanne said...

Run? Nah... Dontcha know, a man who knows himself and admits his faults is most attractive? (laughs) Now, 1 might be trouble for some, but the knuckleheads you've recounted here earned their whuppins and whatnot. 6 might also be tough, but then again, I got some friends that need to hear the truth sometimes, and I'm too chicken to tell it. As for 3, if you flirt with your lady most of all, the others won't matter a whit (as an unapologetic flirt, this is what I've been known to say... maybe it'll work better for you!)

Njoro said...

Dude,
A man HAS to HAVE a temper! And USE it! And DO NOT be nice to her bitchy-ass friends. What are you gonna start braiding their hair and sharing gossip? Keep AWAY from that SCUM.

jen said...

"willing to give her the most fantastic 2 minutes and 4 seconds of her life."

Hmmm... a 3.3% increase in er performance. Not bad. I see practice is paying off

indigosoul said...

great blog, great post. i'm feelin' you on the old school wedding ( mine is this coming april and i have made very specific requests to the dj about the music style, but i couldn't get away with the era's gear- moms would kill me) and i defintely don't blame you for dousing "the dime store whores" with beer...