The past few weeks I have been visiting my friend Roger in a rehabilitation program he is in for his drug and alcohol addiction. He is turning his life around and I couldn't be happier, he is a great guy and I wish him the best. I'm just glad that he isn't still mad at me for my behavior last week when I visited there. What did I do exactly? Well, for one thing while I was talking to Roger I forgot where I was exactly, and started talking about a wild night that I had where I got "drunk as fuck" and seriously contemplated going home with two Jamaican strippers. Oh Yeah, I sort of openly invited one of the counselors out for a "couple of drinks", which is bad enough based on where I was at, but she is also a recovering alcoholic. Lastly, as Roger showed me pictures of him with various other recovering alcoholics, he related a story where a woman in one of the pictures talked about how she "would have slept with a guy if he bought her a drink". Quickly I patted Roger on the back and said, "That's useful information dude! If I ever see her out and about I will buy her a few drinks and wait for those panties to drop!! hee-hee" Roger paused, shook his head and said, "That is my new girlfriend, show some bloody respect for Christs sake!" Yeah, pretty bad. But like any good friend with an asshole for a friend, he quickly forgave me and asked me to post the following rant about the "various types of drunks" there are based on a letter that I had sent him. I think that is what he requested, I could barely hear him over the chants of "You are an alcoholic!! You should be here!!" coming from the people who were pissed from hearing my stories of drunken debauchery.
The "Happy" Drunk: I would say that I definitely fall into this category, despite the many stories that I have provided on this blog to the contrary. The Happy drunk says it all, a person who gets supper giggly and exuberant when a specific amount of spirits are ingested. I don't mind these people at all, the just usually tell some inappropriate but hilarious story, and laugh at your jokes like you are the unofficial funniest motherfucker on the earth. My old man, believe it or not, was a happy drunk. For someone who was verbally abusive most of the time, when he had a few drinks in him he was the nicest dude ever, to the point that he would express his love for me and give out money and shit. I was probably the only kid on earth that openly promoted their parents alcoholism, leaving bottles of his favorite liquor on the table for him to grab when he got home.(That kind of saddens me in a way)
The "Mean" Drunk: Please stay away from these individuals because they will hurt you or get you hurt. These people usually get "liquid courage" and want to start some shit as soon as they drink, or they want to be verbally abrasive and offend anyone in earshot. My grandmother was a mean drunk, I guess stabbing a gentlemen during a card game would be evidence of this. But this one time when I was about 10 years old she was drunk, and she called herself trying to "show me how to fight". The next thing I knew she shocked me in the mouth where my lip bled for a few minutes, since then I knew that mean drunks were bad news.(I never told anyone that story, ever, my family will be very proud to know that I shared it with a few hundred strangers before them.) Roger was also a mean drunk as well, based on the fact that one night when we were hanging out in college he started talking shit to the wrong guy and he pulled a gun on Roger. Roger stood there frozen, and when the guy put the gun back in his pocket I hit the guy right in the mouth with a pool stick. When I went to see how Roger was doing, he was literally standing in a pool of his own piss. Suffice it to say, that was the last time that Roger decided to be a "mean drunk"
The "Sleepy Drunk": Since I was a kid, I realized that I could sleep absolutely anywhere when my old man took me to see a drag race(No, not cross-dressers in a 100 yard race either) and I slept through it.(Like many of you know, it is extremely loud there) For a brief time period I was the guy that would sleep when I was drunk, on the passengers side seat, while we are eating breakfast after the club, while we are in the club, it didn't matter. I really think that my friends thought I was a heroin addict because the way I would nod off on a regular basis. There has been a couple of times where being the "sleepy drunk" has been disastrous for yours truly. The first time was during sex, the second time when the cop pulled my friend over for drunk driving and I convinced the cop that I was alright to drive the rest of the way home. Apparently, during my "convincing", I fell asleep in the drivers seat while talking to the cop.
The "Chatty fucking Cathy" Drunk: I hate to be talked to death when I'm sober, but I especially despise it when I have had a few too many. I have tried to be a better person over the past year, trying not to be too much of an asshole, but I don't give a fuck if I offend the shit out of someone who is literally talking my ear off. Some of the things I do when said "Chatty Cathy" comes around. 1. While they are talking, mid sentence, I don't care if they are talking about some serious problem they are having, I grab my beer and go to the other end of the bar. 2. I simply say, "No offense, but shut the fuck up! Thanks." 3. This is only reserved for people who I really don't like, I give them a open hand mush and say, "Go away!"( Mush: palming someones face and pushing it backwards in a truly Hip Hop fashion)
The "Crying" Drunk: This is where my hypocrisy exposes itself in grand fashion. I have always, as long as I remember, loathed these individuals with every fiber of my being. I am better now, being that I seem to cry more now than a character in a poorly written ghetto gospel play, but I used to feel wildly uncomfortable seeing another man cry. My cousin Roland cried when he got drunk, balling uncontrollably in public and private places how "no one really loved him". The shit was embarrassing, and at the time I wasn't exactly "Mr. Sensitivity", telling him to "stop being a bitch" and other mean things like that. Even worse, when he had a birthday party at a very ritzy club one year with about two hundred people in attendance, I presented him with a matching bra and panty set based on his penchant for shedding drunk tears. Fast forward 6 years, a couple of months ago, when I was on Danny's back deck crying like a girl with a skinned knee as I related upsetting childhood memories due to my fathers behavior. The next day Danny called me and said, "Bra and panty set!!", I deserved that.
The "Horny" Drunk: That's me, guilty as charged. But, because I am a huge germaphobe with a fear of getting burned like Richard Pryor on a cocaine binge, that has stopped me from entering every hole with a heartbeat and a skirt attached to it. That is probably why I drink less now, believe it or not, because I am single and there are only so many ways you can masturbate to Internet porn.(I even tried changing hands to change up, nothing.) But even if I had a girlfriend I'm sure she would loathe my lovemaking in the first place, add sloppy drunkenness to the mix and I'm pretty sure she would drop me like a bad habit. The weird thing is, for a guy who has as zero "game", the mouthpiece gets extra precise when I have been under the influence of a few malted beverages. Like the other night where I was trying to talk the undergarments off of a beautiful Cuban woman the other night, I knew this because she said "Whatever you want to do tonight Papi, I'm down with it!!" Knowing that my paranoia wouldn't let me get with a one night stand, I wanted to say: OK. How about after here we grab a bite to eat, and then.. and then.. and then I take you by a doctor friend of mines office and have you checked out for a plethora of diseases. We would wait for the results, staring in each others eyes, getting turned on by the second. When we find out you are disease free, I take you back to the spot and make love to you the only way that a premature ejaculator can!! But, in reality, I took her number and said that I would call her.