Monday, October 10, 2005

What kind of Drunk are you??

The past few weeks I have been visiting my friend Roger in a rehabilitation program he is in for his drug and alcohol addiction. He is turning his life around and I couldn't be happier, he is a great guy and I wish him the best. I'm just glad that he isn't still mad at me for my behavior last week when I visited there. What did I do exactly? Well, for one thing while I was talking to Roger I forgot where I was exactly, and started talking about a wild night that I had where I got "drunk as fuck" and seriously contemplated going home with two Jamaican strippers. Oh Yeah, I sort of openly invited one of the counselors out for a "couple of drinks", which is bad enough based on where I was at, but she is also a recovering alcoholic. Lastly, as Roger showed me pictures of him with various other recovering alcoholics, he related a story where a woman in one of the pictures talked about how she "would have slept with a guy if he bought her a drink". Quickly I patted Roger on the back and said, "That's useful information dude! If I ever see her out and about I will buy her a few drinks and wait for those panties to drop!! hee-hee" Roger paused, shook his head and said, "That is my new girlfriend, show some bloody respect for Christs sake!" Yeah, pretty bad. But like any good friend with an asshole for a friend, he quickly forgave me and asked me to post the following rant about the "various types of drunks" there are based on a letter that I had sent him. I think that is what he requested, I could barely hear him over the chants of "You are an alcoholic!! You should be here!!" coming from the people who were pissed from hearing my stories of drunken debauchery.

The "Happy" Drunk: I would say that I definitely fall into this category, despite the many stories that I have provided on this blog to the contrary. The Happy drunk says it all, a person who gets supper giggly and exuberant when a specific amount of spirits are ingested. I don't mind these people at all, the just usually tell some inappropriate but hilarious story, and laugh at your jokes like you are the unofficial funniest motherfucker on the earth. My old man, believe it or not, was a happy drunk. For someone who was verbally abusive most of the time, when he had a few drinks in him he was the nicest dude ever, to the point that he would express his love for me and give out money and shit. I was probably the only kid on earth that openly promoted their parents alcoholism, leaving bottles of his favorite liquor on the table for him to grab when he got home.(That kind of saddens me in a way)

The "Mean" Drunk: Please stay away from these individuals because they will hurt you or get you hurt. These people usually get "liquid courage" and want to start some shit as soon as they drink, or they want to be verbally abrasive and offend anyone in earshot. My grandmother was a mean drunk, I guess stabbing a gentlemen during a card game would be evidence of this. But this one time when I was about 10 years old she was drunk, and she called herself trying to "show me how to fight". The next thing I knew she shocked me in the mouth where my lip bled for a few minutes, since then I knew that mean drunks were bad news.(I never told anyone that story, ever, my family will be very proud to know that I shared it with a few hundred strangers before them.) Roger was also a mean drunk as well, based on the fact that one night when we were hanging out in college he started talking shit to the wrong guy and he pulled a gun on Roger. Roger stood there frozen, and when the guy put the gun back in his pocket I hit the guy right in the mouth with a pool stick. When I went to see how Roger was doing, he was literally standing in a pool of his own piss. Suffice it to say, that was the last time that Roger decided to be a "mean drunk"

The "Sleepy Drunk": Since I was a kid, I realized that I could sleep absolutely anywhere when my old man took me to see a drag race(No, not cross-dressers in a 100 yard race either) and I slept through it.(Like many of you know, it is extremely loud there) For a brief time period I was the guy that would sleep when I was drunk, on the passengers side seat, while we are eating breakfast after the club, while we are in the club, it didn't matter. I really think that my friends thought I was a heroin addict because the way I would nod off on a regular basis. There has been a couple of times where being the "sleepy drunk" has been disastrous for yours truly. The first time was during sex, the second time when the cop pulled my friend over for drunk driving and I convinced the cop that I was alright to drive the rest of the way home. Apparently, during my "convincing", I fell asleep in the drivers seat while talking to the cop.

The "Chatty fucking Cathy" Drunk: I hate to be talked to death when I'm sober, but I especially despise it when I have had a few too many. I have tried to be a better person over the past year, trying not to be too much of an asshole, but I don't give a fuck if I offend the shit out of someone who is literally talking my ear off. Some of the things I do when said "Chatty Cathy" comes around. 1. While they are talking, mid sentence, I don't care if they are talking about some serious problem they are having, I grab my beer and go to the other end of the bar. 2. I simply say, "No offense, but shut the fuck up! Thanks." 3. This is only reserved for people who I really don't like, I give them a open hand mush and say, "Go away!"( Mush: palming someones face and pushing it backwards in a truly Hip Hop fashion)

The "Crying" Drunk: This is where my hypocrisy exposes itself in grand fashion. I have always, as long as I remember, loathed these individuals with every fiber of my being. I am better now, being that I seem to cry more now than a character in a poorly written ghetto gospel play, but I used to feel wildly uncomfortable seeing another man cry. My cousin Roland cried when he got drunk, balling uncontrollably in public and private places how "no one really loved him". The shit was embarrassing, and at the time I wasn't exactly "Mr. Sensitivity", telling him to "stop being a bitch" and other mean things like that. Even worse, when he had a birthday party at a very ritzy club one year with about two hundred people in attendance, I presented him with a matching bra and panty set based on his penchant for shedding drunk tears. Fast forward 6 years, a couple of months ago, when I was on Danny's back deck crying like a girl with a skinned knee as I related upsetting childhood memories due to my fathers behavior. The next day Danny called me and said, "Bra and panty set!!", I deserved that.

The "Horny" Drunk: That's me, guilty as charged. But, because I am a huge germaphobe with a fear of getting burned like Richard Pryor on a cocaine binge, that has stopped me from entering every hole with a heartbeat and a skirt attached to it. That is probably why I drink less now, believe it or not, because I am single and there are only so many ways you can masturbate to Internet porn.(I even tried changing hands to change up, nothing.) But even if I had a girlfriend I'm sure she would loathe my lovemaking in the first place, add sloppy drunkenness to the mix and I'm pretty sure she would drop me like a bad habit. The weird thing is, for a guy who has as zero "game", the mouthpiece gets extra precise when I have been under the influence of a few malted beverages. Like the other night where I was trying to talk the undergarments off of a beautiful Cuban woman the other night, I knew this because she said "Whatever you want to do tonight Papi, I'm down with it!!" Knowing that my paranoia wouldn't let me get with a one night stand, I wanted to say: OK. How about after here we grab a bite to eat, and then.. and then.. and then I take you by a doctor friend of mines office and have you checked out for a plethora of diseases. We would wait for the results, staring in each others eyes, getting turned on by the second. When we find out you are disease free, I take you back to the spot and make love to you the only way that a premature ejaculator can!! But, in reality, I took her number and said that I would call her.

48 comments:

DM said...

There's nothing more romantic than pre-STD checkups before drunk sex...HumanityCritic, you're like Billy D!

Anonymous said...

That was funny as shit, and so very true. You are an amazing writer.(Even though I have seen a few posts lately where people imply that they aren't "fucking with" your blog anymore. You are talented, don't let the haters get you down!!

Mary

I am Jack said...

I guess I would fall in the "sleepy" category since I rfall asleep often. LMAO at the post.

shinjyo said...

Great stuff as alway. You never fail to disappoint.

FantasyFootballGuru said...

You are nuts!! If I was Roger I'd want to fight you man!! LOL

afrobaggins said...

Classic HC man!! Hey, are people still hating on you man? Tell them to eat a dick, straight up!!

bec said...

You should write for a mens magazine with all the interesting topics you come up with. Gread read, as always.

Bob Smith said...

Haven't been here in a while but I'm glad I came by today. Awesome, making a chemical dependency hilarious. Brilliant.

SweetBianca said...

.....Funny post! I mean not mug shots! I love love the chatty cathy pic. Thanks for the laugh!

chele said...

Too funny. Thanks for the laughter and sharing your secret with us before your family :)

Organized Noise said...

I would say I'm a horny drunk, but there isn't many times when I'm not horny, so I'll say I'm a sleepy drunk.

Bullet Proof Diva said...

crackin up at those damn mug shots..ha ha!..nice touch

i am definitely QUIET drunk but that is after many humiliating incidents in college, with countless photo documentations of me literally showing my ass (shudder)

mai said...

I am certainly either the very happy drunk, or the very sad drunk. There's no happy medium for me. The fun part is, you never know which one I'm gonna be!

Drunken Roulette, anyone?

mrshife said...

I start happy then become sleepy. Maybe that is a new category, the slappy drunk.

DJ Diva said...

I'm a witty drunk...I wait to get drunk then tell your ass off in a hundred different ways of the dozens...My dad was a Intellectual drunk...would get drunk and try to tell you about physics and 'Nam and how they went together...My sis is a chatty Cathy...I've smacked her in the lip more than once...

And I love how anonymous signed her name LOL

Kelly said...

The kind of drunk I am depends on the kind of Alcohol I'm drinking. Vodka makes me horney, Rum makes me kick peoples asses (even if they are my good friends) and beer makes me happy, but if i'm in a boring environment, sleepy. So yeah, i'm all over this scale!

Great topic.

kathi said...

I'm the happy drunk...and then at my ultimate limit...I'm the tired drunk. Loved the post today, as always.
hugs

Rachel said...

I have never been drunk, and I'm 30 years old. Of course, the next question is why? I don't like the taste of alcohol, can't stand drunks (of any of the aformentioned varieties), and most of all I think alcoholism is terrible. I have seen the scars all over a loved one's head from where his druken father beat him, another friend who witnessed his drunken father pull a gun on his mother as a child, and my friend whose father is so ravaged by alcoholism that he didn't know his own daughter. I know many folks can handle alcohol, but I think it is way too accepted and in fact encouraged in our culture. Just my two cents.....

MsPerdie said...

I'm a happy drunk.

I commend you for not jumping into the sack with just anybody. Kudos to you!

Cori B. ( : said...

Hi there
thanks for the comment, did you just happen apon it?

I dont think I could be catagorized into any of those catagories, for I have not been drunk enough to say which one I would be. Though my presant state would possibly be "horny drunk" if I were to get drunk...lets just say its been a while...haha

Bye
Cori

alli-babe said...

i am the drunk that can be any one of the ones you listed, on any given binge...depending on what color alcohol i am drinking, whether it's a sweet mixed drink or a straight shot or a vodka with a splash of cran...lol

*i see ur anon is signing "her" name...

piranha said...

oh gosh, yeah, nothing more romantic than pre-STD checkups...heehehe.....ahh, always the good stuff...i wish you had said that to her....just to see how she d react. aaah. good laugh.
-.HC, your emphazising being a 2 minutes guy over and over again, makes me wonder......either you are blatantly honest or you amuse yourself with disappointing all those women who read your blog and fell in love with your Bloggeridentiy already long ago....or you want to provocate the savior syndrom.
probably you receive tons of mails of proposals of women who believe they can cure you. :))
always love to my favorite!!!
piranha
ps i guess i am first a happy dancing drunk and then a sleepy one....and horny, of course ;-)

CaffeineDiva said...

You are absolutly nuts! Funny stuff HC...
I stay away from vodka, if I am upset about anything, it makes me weepy. I am the most fun with Jose. The Tequilla gods love me, I turn into a happy horny drunk... but you knew that already, right?

Dr. Deborah Serani said...

I would be a sleepy drunk for sure. Any alcohol makes me very, very tired. I'm not one for drinking, but can understand the allure of it.

Very funny post, as usual, HC.

~Deb

Oliviasmommi said...

Piranha...I have had those same questions on my mind and I have a theory...In my experience, I have found that men who continuously tell women that they are either "small" or "quick" usually do so in order to get your expectations SO low that when you finally do end up in bed, anything seems impressive...LOL...that does not mean this is the case with HC, it is just a theory *wink*

Dan said...

I think I'm a combo of the happy and horny drunk...

the kid said...

I think it's according to what I've been drinking? I've been the happy drunk. Well, that's almost always Stage 1. And the sleepy drunk is usually stage 2, evident if you see me sitting on top of a club's speaker sleep. I've also been the mean drunk, adding threats to the usually going off of disrespecful who randomly grope and rub... *yuck* And I'm ashamed, but I've been the crying drunk too... At my girl's bachelorette party this summer, we got totally trashed, and although I don't remember it, there's is picture proof that I cried like a baby for about an hour for no particular reason and ended up looking like I had been Tina in that What's Love Gotta Do with It limo scene. *walking away and hiding face*

msjaim said...

me=Happy, H*rny then sleepy in that order exactly..lmbao!.. hit repeat..lmbao!

Brother OMi said...

i know mad heads who have liquid courage.. i never hang with them. that gets on my nerve.

i hate the chatty cathy. yo, i get drunk to party and bulls**T not to hear sob stories.

Brother OMi said...

mad props for that lil Kim mug shot

Count said...

You silly as hell. I'm the cool, multi-tasking drunk.

lindsay-lee said...

It definately depends on the time for me. I've been the witty drunk, the horney drunk, the angry drunk, and yes, the chatty cathy drunk (sorry, HC). I am usually the drunk that makes my friends laugh uncontrollably at the things I say. Yeah, I have embarassed myself a couple of times.

MadCircle said...

you are my blog god *gasp*

Thinkerbelle said...

I am a happy drunk. You are DEFINITELY a horny drunk! An insistent, horny drunk!

Quel said...

I'm a mix between sleepy and horny. Which is why I've NEVER drunk in public...since college.

Jdid said...

ok sleepy drunk thats me. i actually usually only drink when i'm bored like last sunday at thanksgiving dinner or when i'm at weddings.

lady_in_purple said...

Tee-hee. I think I'm a mix of the sleepy and chatty drunk. Which is probably annoying as hell b/c I start rambling but I do it at an extra slow pace, lol.

But I've only been drunk once so I just might have to test the waters again tor eally see what type of drunk I am!

lady in satin said...

Although I don't drink alot, I would say I'm a cross between the "happy drunk" and the "horny drunk." Weird combination...I know!!

EJ Flavors said...

I don't mind telling you that I still read this and crack up every damn day!

Weary Hag said...

Well now, I've never been drunk a day in my life so I wouldn't begin to know for sure ... but ... I would venture to guess I'd be a happy and chatty drunk.

Fun post!

Sparkling said...

having been through all of the stages at some point of my life I'm at the "can't do drunk" stage, which is the worst!

*junglefevAh* said...

i'm a pretty happy drunk, but i'm never just drunk - if i'm drunk i am:

a) also stoned
or
b) will be stoned very shortly

i like to call it droned

VAN007 said...

Getting her checked for diseases.... that's funny. Can't fault you for that. Although I've never been "drunk", drinking does make me sleepy and sexual and as you know that can be a bad combination.

Catherine Snaith said...

Lol... I am, at first, chatty drunk, and then crying drunk, unfortunately.

Anonymous said...

great post! but I think you missed a type of drunk .. they are 'shit heads' or 'arrogant mothersuckers!' - oh yeah, yours truly used to be one - you know, sweet as punch every other time EXCEPT when drunk, can get cocky and tell you to go to hell and then take your man and tongue him down and then direct him to wait for you in the back as he's about 'work it' and have your best friends look at you like "what?" as they see their men going with you to God knows where for God knows what and can't do anything about it because you just scared the living sh*t out of them by your abrasive drunk rant - then only to be pissed at you in the morning but being 'that' drunk, you already have figured out to be extra sweet as punch and tell them you were an asshole and to forgive me .. as they do, you go to the next girlfriend with a cutie boyfriend and wait for someone to pass the Remy and IT'S ON! ..... again :) GOOD TIMES ..

Anonymous said...

what kind of drunk am I?
1) horny
2) more hornier
3) sleepy but still horny
AFTER I GET SOME WHICH IS A GUARANTEE IF I'M HORNY BECAUSE 1) I'M A CHICK [we always get some when we want some] 2) I DON'T WAIT TO BE ASKED TO LET THE PANTIES FALL, THEY FALL, I SHOW THEM AND THEN I LEAD THE WAY
4) sleepy and then actually fall asleep
5) recovering hangover drunk

Yeah, in that order too boo

Anonymous said...

I am the sleepy drunk and the happy drunk. I also act like I'm very observant and, so I'm told, innocent like a little kid. Ha. I remember talking once and then just falling asleep. I hate that it makes me tired.

Connie said...

Sweet post! Just stumbled across your blog and now your bookmarked.

I'm a hybrid of the Happy Drunk and The Horny Drunk... But then again, I'm Horny sober so I guess that doesn't exactly count. :D