Thursday, October 27, 2005

Things I noticed after turning 30

Most people that I know dread the mere fact that they are getting older, many of them lying about their age like it will somehow slow down the second hand on father time's clock. But myself, even though I constantly call myself a "Old bastard", actually embrace getting older. For one thing, being able to pass down valuable lessons to younger people like "the best place to throat-chop someone" or "how to urinate your name correctly in the snow, calligraphy style" can be somewhat fulfilling. I even embrace the few strands of Grey hairs that I have in my dreadlocks and in my beard, even though too many Grey hairs in my pubic area would resemble a sausage in an ashtray to be totally honest, but lets not go there right now. I also feel like I am the first generation who actually has a legitimate argument when I say, "The music in my day was better than the crap now", but there are some things about getting older that undoubtedly suck complete ass as well. Here are a few things I have noticed since my 30th birthday that have reminded me that my black ass is indeed getting older.

Good and Bad Mirrors: This is going to sound silly, but in my house I have what you call good and bad mirrors. The mirror in the downstairs bathroom is my mirror of choice, I tend to think that on occasion I look very suave and debonair in that one, with a winning smile that should be seen by people across the world. The upstairs mirror, that miserable bastard, exposes every skin blemish and probably adds 40 pounds to a man that already is in desperate need of backing away from the buffet table. This mirror makes me look like crap, with a forced smile probably best used for radio work. I can't believe that I have spent this much time comparing mirrors, something I wouldn't have done 10 years ago, but then again I wouldn't have ever thought that I would pay money for a grown man to put his finger up my ass either.(For check-ups you asshole, not for recreation use Ala Star Jones' husband)

Geriatric Fight Club: When I was in my early twenties I could fight someone for as long as it took, even purposely elongating the fight to show off my fighting prowess. Fast forward 10 years and a few pounds later, I'm not trying to fight anyone because you have to grow up sometimes right? Plus, about a year ago I was at a supermarket where this man had assaulted a woman and ran off with her purse. She looked to me to get him, and I did indeed start running, only to calmly walk back to my car panting like R. Kelly in a grade-school playground. I got in my car, drove and found the "suspect", and "lightly" hit him with my car and got her purse back, problem solved.(Fuck that "running for blocks shit for a purse of a person I don't know" shit..) As you can tell after I turned 30 I knew that I had to be quicker and more economical with my "blows of fury"(I know that sounds like a harlot king-fu master, you get the point.) That is basically where the throat-cop came from, a strike that could leave your opponent powerless, it saves a shitload of time, and you don't get a fucking heart attack in the process.

Trim-spa maybe??: When I was in my 20's I had abs that you could wash a shirt on, now I have abs that could probably make me a lead candidate for an upcoming movie about Buddha. It's just that when I was younger the weight just flew off me and I could eat whatever I wanted. Now, if I eat a string of bad food it goes straight to my ass with a quickness.(I told my mother that exact line and she openly questioned my sexuality, which was weird because I thought loving show-tunes would have proven to her that I was all man baby!) With playing basketball, boxing, and jogging, it seems that a brother has to work out like Ivan Draggo in Rocky 4 to maintain my "chubby black bastard" status. But all in all I'm happy with myself, being that my only standard of weight satisfaction is the fact that I can see my entire penis when I look down. When I have to pull shit back to see what is already not the most visible thing in the world, then it is definitely time to become a vegetarian.

Embrace you inner asshole: OK, I have always been an asshole, but I had spent about 2 decades and a half denying it. When I reached 30, like a cocaine addict that finally realizes that attempting to sell his children for drugs proves that he has reached rock bottom, I came to the realization that I'm an asshole and that I'm OK with that. Granted, I am a different variety of asshole than my father was, he was more of a "asshole to everybody" type. I'm more of the "asshole to random jerks on the street, but loved ones will never see that side of me" variety. I just find it rather relaxing to be somewhere, hear somebody talk about their favorite artist, and say loudly "Lil John Sucks ass! You like that vomit inducing drivel??" Or when I heard a group of sisters talking about how black men stay away from them specifically because they are "educated" and "make more money than they do", which is a legitimate argument. But when they asked my opinion I said, "have you ladies ever thought that maybe all of you are unbearable nags?" They didn't find that funny at all, but at least I got a laugh out of it though.

Friends start looking like crap: I am a average looking guy, so I don't mean any maliciousness with what I'm about to say but some of my fiends aren't aging well. I mean, I think that I have held up pretty well but I always wonder when I will start looking like Grady from "Sanford and Son" because the way my friends are aging , so I feel that I must be next. Like this one guy, a guy I went to High School with named Walt. Walt was the most popular guys in my school, High School Quarterback, homecoming king, you name it, he was even nicknamed "Brad Pitt" in college because of his looks. Shit, I saw him in a hardware store the other day and his ass looks more like "Bottomless Pitt" now, kind of in the mold of Norm from "Cheers" and shit. With other friends losing hair and looking 20 years older than they are, I hope that I keep looking my age and that the clock doesn't strike twelve and it's my turn to look like I should take a swim in that "Cocoon" fountain of youth pool.

27 comments:

glory said...

sausage? in an ashtray? ewwww.... besides, this is how we know you're a liar. people who are hung like toddlers would have cocktail weenies in an ashtray. so, HC, your freudian slip has alerted us to the truth...

i rest my case.

Sheila said...

Unfortunately there are small sauages as well..lol Great post HC.

Tif said...

unbearable nags <- bahahaha that's hilarious. I think everyone should embrace their inner asshole, or their outter asshole. Damn the thought of meeting someone from high school in a friggin hardware store gives me the creepies and i'm older than you. Pretty soon we'll be wearing white shoes and sipping on insure complaining about president Jeb Bush.

Oliviasmommi said...

Everyone I know loves those mini cocktail sausages...they are the first things to go at all of the holiday parties...lol

lady in satin said...

I'm looking forward to growing older and wiser. I'm 22 now so I have alot of time. But I feel that my best years are yet to come and that I will enjoy every bit of the aging process. =)

piranha said...

grey pubic hair?
a friend of mine said recently to me 'you know, i shave the bush so the tree looks taller'
man, i laughed my ass off at that, but it might make sense, yah, especially to avoid ashtray looks ;-))

hey, i have noticed that thing with mirrors as well, i prefer also not too bright light to be honest.

another thing that i have noticed: black people have often the blessing of never looking old in an ugly way if you know what i mean. and you never really can tell the age either (i don't speak of behavior right now ;-) so i think you are luckly anyways. also, being chubby and black is a better thing than being chubby and white, honestly, it is so much worse to be white in that respect at least. it s just my opinion and maybe being white makes me just jealous of not being black and shit but at least thats what it looks like to me.

ah yes, you sound like a really nice asshole. good for you, woman like those kind of guys more often than they would admit it.....

one love

piranha

A* said...

I can appreciate a lil bit more respect with 30. I don't mind getting older myself...I'm just a good vintage. Yes, our music in the day WAS better...can you repeat that for Dan Tres Omi...hee hee hee *winkin' @ D*.

Give thanks for another day!

As usual fresh post!

chele said...

you are killing me. your frequent references to the size of your ... member ... concerns me though. wait till you hit 40, boo.

GC (God's Child) said...

I laughed, I cried, it was better than Cats!

OMG--that part about friends looking like crap--that's really rough. Don't go to any HS reunions.

VAN007 said...

I know I am being naive about the subject, but I never saw the big deal about turning 30. I still have 4 years to go, but it can't be as bad as my 20's. I am hoping to notice a lot of positive changes.... not saying they aren't happening now, but 30 will be 30 years of knowledge and growth that I can confidently carry around.

indigo said...

i feel like i'm getting older, but older in that 'i'm 19 so 13 year olds look like little kids' sort of way, but really, i know i still look like a kid to a lot of ppl. but i reckon that's that way it always is...

Sparkling said...

Uckly ducklings can crow into beautiful swans, and cute little puppies can turn into ugly mutts.

Inside Man said...

More dudes have a good/bad mirror then you would think.....

Rachel S said...

I can relate to the mirror thing--that's me. One of my friends came over and said your mirror is great takes off about 15 pounds. LOL!

Starla Spaulding said...

Go on an embrace your inner asshole. My inner bitch has come out more often ever since I turned 30. It's a great accessory. You can take it out when necessary. Then you can go back to your mild-mannered self.

Neil said...

Actually, I hear from my pals at the TV studios that the actor who played Grady on Sanford and Son had alot going on down in his pants, and was quite attractive to the ladies. So, age isn't everything.

Rose said...

This is a great post....you know folks do lie about their age...it's something about crossing over that 30th birthday....

Carmell said...

i got another year before i hit 30... but i was thinking about that the other day. o well i have 4 kids before 30... i don't have time to worry about getting older. all i have to worry about is keepin up with them!!!

thanks for stoppin by!!

Chubby Chocolate said...

That was fucking hilarious, although I'm a bit scrarr-red because I turn 30 in less than a year:-(

WONDERFUL POST. That was my favorite so far.

David said...

I know what you mean about mirrors. When I look at myself in my mirror at home, I think, "Hey, not too bad!" Then I go to the mall and see my reflection somewhere and I look a lot fatter and balder! What the fuck! Is that mall just rigged to make me feel insecure so I will buy stuff?

I want to get one of those "Cocoon" pools too! :)

Brother OMi said...

hey A* i heard that...!
its dope being 32 man (your ass better come to my next born day celebration)...

yo sausage in an ashtray? thats nasty be, you could have left that out.

i will say that when i go back to the good ol' BX, my friends (who are not in prison) look like they been sucking ash trays for the last 10 years. its wild.

i stay looking fresh man.

but i feel you, music is crappier.

theclamwhisperer said...

I know what you mean about aging. If I just sleep in a little longer than normal all the muscle tone spreads out over the sheets. Okay, is that graphic enough?

**RPM** said...

I "test-drive" mirrors now. Not flattering? No sale.

GIRLFRIEND A said...

Yeah maan I feel you. Its just like our parents said when they were this our age that music was better back in their day. We just go from generation to generation over and over again maan!

Chele said...

I want to see you in five more years.

Net Linx said...

Hi, Thanks for stopping by my site....But specifically on the topic of turning 30....(of which I will be in January) Yes, the music when we were growing up was better! I love the new stuff..Mars Volta, Joss Stone, Ciara,etc. But these days I find myself wanting to hear singers like Karen White, Air Supply, Spandau Ballet, Peaches & Herb, Maxine Nightingale and every "slow jam" they had in the Eighties. Now get this...I even want to listen to...Sailing by Chrisotpher Cross! Sailing!! Oh God, I'm getting old.....

Go ahead.. you know you wanna sing it...

Sailing
Takes me away
To where I've always heard it could be
Just a dream and the wind to carry me
And soon I will be free

Anonymous said...

Oh that WAS SO FUNNY! I just turned 30 a few weeks ago, and it it's funny how things start to change as you get older. I get pissed at the "damn kids" riding my bumper--OMG
And I love the Geriatric Fight Club--I used to be such a tough-girl hee hee