Things I noticed after turning 30

Most people that I know dread the mere fact that they are getting older, many of them lying about their age like it will somehow slow down the second hand on father time's clock. But myself, even though I constantly call myself a "Old bastard", actually embrace getting older. For one thing, being able to pass down valuable lessons to younger people like "the best place to throat-chop someone" or "how to urinate your name correctly in the snow, calligraphy style" can be somewhat fulfilling. I even embrace the few strands of Grey hairs that I have in my dreadlocks and in my beard, even though too many Grey hairs in my pubic area would resemble a sausage in an ashtray to be totally honest, but lets not go there right now. I also feel like I am the first generation who actually has a legitimate argument when I say, "The music in my day was better than the crap now", but there are some things about getting older that undoubtedly suck complete ass as well. Here are a few things I have noticed since my 30th birthday that have reminded me that my black ass is indeed getting older.

Good and Bad Mirrors: This is going to sound silly, but in my house I have what you call good and bad mirrors. The mirror in the downstairs bathroom is my mirror of choice, I tend to think that on occasion I look very suave and debonair in that one, with a winning smile that should be seen by people across the world. The upstairs mirror, that miserable bastard, exposes every skin blemish and probably adds 40 pounds to a man that already is in desperate need of backing away from the buffet table. This mirror makes me look like crap, with a forced smile probably best used for radio work. I can't believe that I have spent this much time comparing mirrors, something I wouldn't have done 10 years ago, but then again I wouldn't have ever thought that I would pay money for a grown man to put his finger up my ass either.(For check-ups you asshole, not for recreation use Ala Star Jones' husband)

Geriatric Fight Club: When I was in my early twenties I could fight someone for as long as it took, even purposely elongating the fight to show off my fighting prowess. Fast forward 10 years and a few pounds later, I'm not trying to fight anyone because you have to grow up sometimes right? Plus, about a year ago I was at a supermarket where this man had assaulted a woman and ran off with her purse. She looked to me to get him, and I did indeed start running, only to calmly walk back to my car panting like R. Kelly in a grade-school playground. I got in my car, drove and found the "suspect", and "lightly" hit him with my car and got her purse back, problem solved.(Fuck that "running for blocks shit for a purse of a person I don't know" shit..) As you can tell after I turned 30 I knew that I had to be quicker and more economical with my "blows of fury"(I know that sounds like a harlot king-fu master, you get the point.) That is basically where the throat-cop came from, a strike that could leave your opponent powerless, it saves a shitload of time, and you don't get a fucking heart attack in the process.

Trim-spa maybe??: When I was in my 20's I had abs that you could wash a shirt on, now I have abs that could probably make me a lead candidate for an upcoming movie about Buddha. It's just that when I was younger the weight just flew off me and I could eat whatever I wanted. Now, if I eat a string of bad food it goes straight to my ass with a quickness.(I told my mother that exact line and she openly questioned my sexuality, which was weird because I thought loving show-tunes would have proven to her that I was all man baby!) With playing basketball, boxing, and jogging, it seems that a brother has to work out like Ivan Draggo in Rocky 4 to maintain my "chubby black bastard" status. But all in all I'm happy with myself, being that my only standard of weight satisfaction is the fact that I can see my entire penis when I look down. When I have to pull shit back to see what is already not the most visible thing in the world, then it is definitely time to become a vegetarian.

Embrace you inner asshole: OK, I have always been an asshole, but I had spent about 2 decades and a half denying it. When I reached 30, like a cocaine addict that finally realizes that attempting to sell his children for drugs proves that he has reached rock bottom, I came to the realization that I'm an asshole and that I'm OK with that. Granted, I am a different variety of asshole than my father was, he was more of a "asshole to everybody" type. I'm more of the "asshole to random jerks on the street, but loved ones will never see that side of me" variety. I just find it rather relaxing to be somewhere, hear somebody talk about their favorite artist, and say loudly "Lil John Sucks ass! You like that vomit inducing drivel??" Or when I heard a group of sisters talking about how black men stay away from them specifically because they are "educated" and "make more money than they do", which is a legitimate argument. But when they asked my opinion I said, "have you ladies ever thought that maybe all of you are unbearable nags?" They didn't find that funny at all, but at least I got a laugh out of it though.

Friends start looking like crap: I am a average looking guy, so I don't mean any maliciousness with what I'm about to say but some of my fiends aren't aging well. I mean, I think that I have held up pretty well but I always wonder when I will start looking like Grady from "Sanford and Son" because the way my friends are aging , so I feel that I must be next. Like this one guy, a guy I went to High School with named Walt. Walt was the most popular guys in my school, High School Quarterback, homecoming king, you name it, he was even nicknamed "Brad Pitt" in college because of his looks. Shit, I saw him in a hardware store the other day and his ass looks more like "Bottomless Pitt" now, kind of in the mold of Norm from "Cheers" and shit. With other friends losing hair and looking 20 years older than they are, I hope that I keep looking my age and that the clock doesn't strike twelve and it's my turn to look like I should take a swim in that "Cocoon" fountain of youth pool.