Wednesday, October 26, 2005

Road trip(I'm back fuckers!)

Let me tell you, you never really fully appreciate home until you venture out and see other places. Right when you think that your town is the most bullshit area this side of the equator, you find out that there are indeed places that are even wacker than the place you call home. So yes, my disappearance from the blogisphere over the past few days can be explained by a bit of out of town band business, and a woman who I see being my wife one day, with a smile that could light up a stadium. In no way am I dissiing Alexandria, or the DC area, just my specific experiences that happened there.(Contrary to popular belief, I didn't celebrate when Cam'ron got shot while I was in the area, and I wasnt the shooter. What kind of guy do you take me for??)I know that this piece is titled "Road Trip", and anyone who knows the distance from Virginia Beach Virginia to Alexandria Virginia would probably laugh at me like the first woman I had sex with did, but 200 miles is 200 miles motherfucker! Here are a few things that I encountered from October 22st to the 25th.

Rental Cars Rock!: Rental car, how do I love thee, let me count the motherfucking ways. Ever since I was a younger adult I treated rental cars as my personal stunt-mobile, doing things that I wouldn't dream of in my own car. When I rented a car this time, I thought that my maturity and my different perception of responsibility would change and I would handle this 4-wheeled monstrosity with care, but I didn't. The first thing I did was drive this rental through a dirt field, trying to catch air on a dirt hill like I was a black version of the Dukes of Hazzard and shit.(minus the confederate flag, and the incest theme between the Duke Boys and Daisy) Then on my way to the destination a guy cut me off and I gave him the finger, which prompted me to get out of my car and talk shit. When he threatened to hit my car, I told him to go ahead, but the consequences would be "side swiping" his Lexus at 100 miles per hour, something I wouldn't say if I was driving my car. Also, the mere fact that I was going 120 miles per hour in pouring rain on the way home shows that my maturity level hasn't progressed in the past few years, but doing 360 degree spins on a empy highway was sure fun though.

I need to be bilingual: Even though I took three years of Spanish, I couldn't construct a sentence if someone held a shotgun to my head while threatening to sing a Reaggaeton song. I mean, I could count to one hundred, and tell you that "Lupita is going to the library" in Spanish, but I don't see that getting me laid in a Spanish speaking country any time soon. I might as well think that being "bi-lingual" means having a three way with 2 chicks of different nationalities, the way that I am horrible at it. I had went to this Mexican bar a few blocks from my hotel, where the bartenders spoke little to no English, so ordering drinks came down to me pointing at bottles on the wall. They were nice and patient, but I just flashed back to me sleeping in Spanish class in High School and how I wish I had paid attention and stopped looking at Ms. Gonzalez' tits. The sad thing is that there were a group of Mexican women who were pointing at me, smiling, giving me that "come hither" look, whispering to each other. They were either saying, "That's the HumanityCritic, the "black blogger of the year", I sure would want to find out about his pre-ejaculating love making style!!" Or "Look at that chubby blogging bastard, I bet you money that that no Spanish speaking motherfucker is hung like a toddler." I kind of think that it was the last one. I could have dazzled them with what I did know, but being told that their "vagina smells like road kill" in Spanish would have probably gotten me stabbed.

Don't be a tough guy away from home: I know that statistically I can get my ass beaten, I have gotten beaten up before, but the fact that I think that I can whip anyone on the planet might get me killed one day. That, and plus the fact that I am kind of on a streak of throat-chopping pathetic bastards without a worthy adversarial response has gotten my head a bit inflated to tell the truth. So anyway, I went to that same bar that I mentioned in the last paragraph and this dude was looking at me like he either had a problem with me, or I had stolen his fruity pebbles and shit. I was patient, minded my business, but after a half hour of him staring at me like I was lunch I had to say something. I looked at him and said, "What the fuck are YOU staring at??" Again, not knowing Spanish he said something that I couldn't make out, like "What jackass,lets go!!" or "I don't have a problem with you!!" or "Your blog sucks, so does your band you ass-hat!!", who knows?? I brushed off his words, gave him the finger, and gave him the universal sign for "We can handle it outside if you want" as I left. He didn't follow, so I just chalked it up as another pussy who didn't want to get throat-chopped that night. Anyway, the next day I learn from my home-girl who lives out there that a El Salvadorian gang called MS-13(I think) frequents that bar, and apparently they are known for chopping peoples hands off and shit. Yeah, I really need to calm my ass down sometimes because even though I type with one hand anyway, not having both of them would probably suck. But then again, I just hope they don't take the right one, I need that one to masturbate.

Hotel, Motel, Not the Holiday Inn: Am I the only one that gets a hotel room and automatically envisions having freaky sex involving a handful of women, bondage, and a confidentiality agreement? Well, I do, but usually it ends with me watching SportsCenter or trying to figure out if the hotel porn is actually porn, or the Cinemax "dry humping" variety. Hotels are also misleading, because some do offer "real Breakfast"(i.e eggs, bacon, hash browns, etc.) but most of the time their breakfast includes a dry ass muffin, and some coffee that tastes like it was brewed with authentic horse piss. Also, the "cleaning staff" weirds me out because for one thing they kept knocking on my door every five minutes even though I had a "housekeeping Beat it" sign taped to the door, but also because when you are away you come back and your room is spotless. Which is cool of them to do, but what if you had a dead hooker in the shower, or a key of coke that you forgot to clean up?? That would suck.

That Someone special: You know, being single sucks, and for anyone who says they "love being single" I give you a huge middle finger while grabbing my testicles in my best B-Boy stance. But for a lot of people, myself included, being single tends to be an act of cowardice because being in love is the biggest gamble that one can partake in. Throwing the dice, in this case your heart on the table hoping for that big payoff is pretty ballsy, so I respect those who do it, sincerely. In a word, I'm scared, because even though I fear no man and have actually stared death in the face and tried my hardest not to flinch, I know how getting your heart broken feels and that's a pain I don't wish on my worst enemy. But, I have encountered someone who is indeed worth that gamble, truly a diamond in the ruff so to speak. While on my road trip I had a chance to hang out with her and she is engaging, intelligent, a soothing nature to calm my restless soul, and a smile that literally sends chills down my spine. But while we were hanging, something crept up on me that I didn't expect, insecurity. Like "I'm not good enough for her", "I bet she doesn't feel me at all", "She probably thinks I am the biggest fucking douche-bag", suddenly I am 15 years old scared to hear the answer from a "I Like You" note that I had sent. I suddenly feel myself pulling my chips in, refusing to bet again, because I know what it feels like to lose everything. I keep hearing the Q-Tip lyrics in my head "Scared money don't make none!", but I still feel myself walking away from the table and getting a drink at the bar.

35 comments:

CaffeineDiva said...

she is engaging, intelligent, a soothing nature to calm my restless soul, and a smile that literally sends chills down my spine.

Wow! Don't be afraid... if she could actually be Mrs. Critic, don't run. The payoff is worth the fear.

I know what you mean though with road trips. As much as I love going home to NYC, I am ALWAYS happy to be back in VA Beach!

Sylvia said...

"Look at that chubby blogging bastard, I bet you money that that no Spanish speaking motherfucker is hung like a toddler."

Hi.lar.i.ous. I couldnt stop laughing for a good 5 minutes straight!

glory said...

i'm just glad you ain't locked up somewhere, witcho disappearing azz...

just a reminder, if ole girl was actually hanging out with and smiling at you, the chances of you getting dissed are probably not as high as you think they are...

Dan said...

Easy killer. I live in Alexandria. Oh wait, you're right, it sucks. Nevermind... why did I move here from NY four months ago again?

chele said...

Sounds like a pretty good trip. Glad you're back. Don't turn your back on the girl -- she could be the one. (I don't really believe in "the one" -- but hey maybe you do!) :)

Breez said...

Awww, that's very sweet. As far as being scared, been there (actually still there). Courage is doing the things you're afraid to do. Best of luck.

Brother OMi said...

i think dude was trying to holla at you man... its 2005 remember?

yo its alright for us to be insecure... but i tell you what, tell her your scared and she might hook you up. it's worked for me.

Neil said...

In order to get some of those hot Mexican ladies into bed, have you thought about spreading your fame by translating your site into Spanish:

Crítico De la Humanidad!

Nova said...

Hilarious post man, that was quite the road-trip. As far as the young lady is concerned, I say grab your nuts and go for it. I think we all know how bad heartbreak feels, but sometimes it's genuinely worth the risk.

piranha said...

oh what should i say then...i am only 22 and already scared like shit.
yeah, so if you go for it, HC, i go for it. Deal?
i'm sure you are very concerned about me going for it, lol. oh, but anyways, it s good to know that we all walk that rocky path.

yeah, jump!

Miz JJ said...

"But then again, I just hope they don't take the right one, I need that one to masturbate."
Lol!

The beginning is the best part. When everything is new and exciting. Enjoy it.

TMJ said...

FUCK HUMANITY CRITIC! Stop acting like a fucking pansy and jump her bones! Or just tell her how you feel. You ain't neva been scared of SHIT before this, so don't start now. Look, do you really want to picture this great chick with some horrible asshole with bad breath and a penchant for anal sex nailing her instead of you? I say congratulations ahead of time because we all know you are going to bite the bullet and GO AFTER YOUR WOMAN! LOL

LadyLee said...

Doggonit Humanity Critic, she sounds like a nice girl... You must like them off-the chain hardcore vaginal homegirls who like to throat-chop...

damion said...

missed you, welcome back. next time you are in DC, hit me up.

Venus said...

I have to agree. Quit bein a pansy ass and get it together. Shoot. Women like agressive crazy men. If ya don't know...now ya know!

P. Alonzo Harris Jr. said...

hey brother...i want to say that i enjoyed reading this post... you seem to be a great fella with a good sense of humor....im looking forward to your future posts...

be well..

alli-babe said...

i like this kinder-gentler HC...ie. Special Someone....yet...it scares me to think that you'd be scared...of a damn woman...no matter how perfect she is. Man Up!
Missed you boobie.

Running2Ks said...

Welcome back, and now I order and command you to go away--so that you can get that lady to be Mrs. Critic!

Go for it. You are worth the gamble too!

Indigo Blue said...

GO FOR IT HC!

She's sounds wonderful!!!

Don't be skrrred.

VAN007 said...

I just told someone tonight that I don't need relationships, I'll just have friends. That was fear and insecurity talking. Nothing brings me more fear than the gamble of relationships. I find myself meeting nice quality men and then out of fear, putting them in that friend category.... sucks I know, but I'm working on it... at least I'm honest with them about it.

Jaimie said...

Remember: It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved before.

elvira black said...

LMAO! As for the girl, go for it, already. From a woman's perspective, I'll bet she's already worrying if you're gonna call or not. Hey, don't be one of those guys who never calls 'cause he's scared of rejection. Guys have enough stupid reasons already for never calling. This one is bogus. Cut that shit out!

samantha said...

missed an entire lecture because was so engrossed in ur blog, all the way from South Africa!!! keep up the fantastic work

mai said...

sounds about right...

if your wild azz is pressed about this girl like that, then there's something there. especially if she sat and talked/joked/laughed with you for the evening, and had a good time. take it slow, son, but dammit, take it!!

Dominique said...

LOL...your blog is the best! Anyway, from reading your blog, you'll "throat chop" a muthafukka in a minute, but you'll hesitate about "the one". Go ahead and take a chance, she sounds wonderful.

GoldenLady said...

If you're scared, she can already tell, so don't tell her. Nothing is more of a turn off than an openly insecure man. Man up! Step to her; that's what impresses. If you don't ever use your heart anyway, why worry about it getting broken? Take a chance. Trust, it's worth every bit of pain, once it's right.

Rachel S said...

Your back with a funny little round up. I always find myself asking if your story are real or very heavily embelished. LOL!

Paco said...

Dont sell urself short. go for it.

ShellyP said...

I told my a girlfriend of mine the other day to be careful not to chase away the men by being too careful. I'm telling you the same thing. Go for the gold! Nothing ventured, nothing gained. Live and Love and Be Loved.

Oliviasmommi said...

I am so happy for you...and I mean that in the most totally non-jealous way that I can muster *wink*

And I have to agree with the consensus...you just need to go with the flow and relax! Everyone loves you, why wouldn't she???

ManNMotion said...

I can't believe you didn't shoot Camron. Love is makin you soft...heh heh

Starla Spaulding said...

You're good enough.You're smart enough.And doggone it,people read your blog.
Go for it. She's sound like a special lady. Elvira's right. Call the woman.

Girlfriend A said...

uuuu huh!
Shes gotta be able to smell tea in the room and love Kevin Smith movies & if she doesnt maan then you need to reconsider nawl I am joking but I pray the best for you. I felt the same way before I ended up marrying. I felt as if I wasnt good enough but you have to know that you are worthy and deserving of a wonderful companion. You just feel that way because you know you can be a real douche bag anyway. Maybe you will show her where you work and what kind of job you have that keeps you out until 5am while she may be @ home wondering if you live a double life or in the CIA or some sh**

That Someone Special said...

Wow. There were a lot of encourageing comments/advice, and some that question your man hood. *wink* I think it’s a little too soon to be calling me Mrs. Critic, but I’m sure you’ll keep the people updated.

@everyone – He’s not that scared. HC’s handleing his buisness…

@Girlfriend A – Don’t worry, I love Kevin Smith movies, drink Tea, and he always tells me where he is so I never have to wonder…

Anonymous said...

I'm sure the chick is not all that, sure she may be cute, but if you two are as close as you say, I'm sure she has told you about her issues. Which is why she might have her own insecurities. Maybe she's a commitmentphobe. Or maybe she'd give you a chance if it didn't take you 5 hours to go 40 miles up the road, because distance can put a bit of a damper on a relationship.