Wednesday, October 19, 2005

"..and she says he's just a friend"

Did I ever tell you how I distrust any male friend of a woman I'm dating, if only for just a little while? I know, I know, men and women can be platonic friends, yadda-yadda-yadda. I have a couple female friends who I have never contemplated penetrating, so I know that friendships between opposite sexes is indeed possible. But ladies, take it from a guy who used to prey on women who were already attached like Siamese twins and shit, I am an authority on the subject. It's horrible, and in no way am I glorifying my actions, but at one time I felt it was easier being with women in relationships because the chances of her stalking me, asking for a commitment, or meeting her parents were slim to none. Listen, because of my lecherous ways I think the relationship gods have put me in a sort of relationship purgatory for the past 6 years, so I feel that I have paid for my sins. That's why I wasn't really mad at an ex who left me for a dude who was a step above being a goddamned pan handler, because I figured it was just chickens coming home to roost.

Of course many men are wary of other men who want to be your friend ladies, but our irritation isn't directed at our mistrust of you but the intentions of that miserable motherfucker who is posing as your friend. It's like when I asked my gay neighbor about his "gay-dar", he simply replied, "HumanityCritic, we can smell our own!!" Because I was a dirty bastard who liked to get intimate with girls who had boyfriends, I can spot them a million miles away. I guess the counter argument from the Ladies would be, "But at the end of the day its my choice also, so you really don't trust me!!" OK ladies, lets say your man had a co-worker who you met on a few occasions, smiled in your face, and seemed like a very nice woman. Wouldn't you want to go to your man's job and beat the brakes off that broad if she tried to get to know your man "biblicly" and told your man, "I don't care if you have a girlfriend or not", after that chick smiled all in your face and shit? That's what I thought. I came up with a few helpful hints for men to spot out a guy who is trying to "hit" your woman like a pinata, and some useful information for women on spotting a wolf in sheep's clothing.

Acting Nervous: I always know when a predator, posing as a platonic of friend of my lady is up to know good, especially when they start acting extremely nervous and shit. I mean, if your intentions are pure and you have no plans on seeing certain parts reserved for me and her gynecologist, there shouldn't be any profuse sweating and stammering when you don't have a speech impediment. I dated a girl in college who had a friend named "Ray", who she not only swore by, but I was told that he was the "life of the party" and a virtual barrel of laughs. I knew something was up because when I was around and "Ray" didn't seem comical any more, to the point that he couldn't give me eye contact and people in attendance openly asked him if "Everything was OK?" See, when I was on more girlfriends than engagement rings and I happened to meet someones boyfriend, I would act cool as a fan because like animals who smell fear, a dude can tell when you are trying to "tap" his misses. So ladies, if your new "homeboy" starts stuttering and stammering like Barney Fife in a crack-house when your man shows up, you might want to re-examine your new found friendship.

Sob Story: Fellas, if your girlfriend's "Homeboy" tends to always have a sob story, or play the "miserable bastard" role, look out. I won't generalize because women who read my blog are very diverse, but it is my experience that some ladies like mothering people and try to become Captain-Save-A-Douche to some asshole who calls himself her "friend". When I was in the business of being a total heathen, I wouldn't use this tactic because it could backfire and you could be branded an absolute loser across your city. But a few years ago I encountered this first hand, by a friend of a girlfriend who always seemed to have his "heart broken", or his "shit stolen", I even think he said that his mother became paralyzed in a "rock climbing" accident.(I shit you not) Even though these things could have happened, I was so tired of her running by the assholes side when his life was in shambles I confronted him in a public bathroom when we were all at the movies one night. I pushed him against the bathroom wall and said, "I know what you're up to, I invented this shit man. Back away or I will maul your motherfucking ass!!" This dude smiled and said, "You beat me up then I look like an even greater victim in the eyes of your girlfriend? Feel free!" He had done his homework, he was good. I finally got rid of him by befriending him, going out with him, and paying a few friends that I know to "jump" us while they beat his ass. It was hard because I had to take a dive and act like I was getting my ass handed to me as well, which was hard, but to see him get his ass beaten was priceless. I said that some women want to mother people, but having him sob like a 5 year old girl with a skinned knee was even too much for my then girlfriend to deal with. A couple of months later, she knew that I had orchestrated the whole thing when she said, "I knew something was up when you took that "ass-whipping" with grace and style"

Listen to them talk: It is my feeling that like playing poker, if you watch someone long enough they will expose their "tells"(mannerisms telling you how they are going to bet) People's true intentions eventually come out, and are for the most part bad actors and can't maintain any type of facade forever. If a dude is really a friend of your lady, he will express his feeling for her like a sister, like "she's like family" or "that's my home girl right there", shit like that. But this one time I had a dude actually tell me, "She is special man, she is like a beam of sunlight on a hot summer day. I wish I was you man, don't fuck it up!" Huh?? That's too much admiration for someone that claims to only be her "friend", his ass had to go. So I paid the waitress to pour a tray of drinks on his ass, which turned out to be quite the investment because he got so mad he called that woman every inflammatory thing a man could say to a woman. The B-Word..The C word that ends with a T..The S word that.., OK he called he a slut.. Anyway, this totally ruined his sweet, "nice guy" image he was trying to portray. See ya sucker!

Talk to his friends: Most guys will give up their friends for a few beers, so if you have the chance to talk to that "predator's" friends I suggest you do it. You learn from these ignorant sons of bitches that the guy who is "sensitive" and "caring", once had a rape charge in college, and other things that exposes him as a fraud. On the flip side of that, if their friends display the same type of closed-mouthed nervousness around you as well, something is probably up.

You went Bra shopping?: I'm not sure about any of you, but if you aren't a gay male there shouldn't be any reason a man should enjoy shopping for bra's and shit with a woman. Like a Kobe Bryant rap album, that shit doesn't make any sense to me. There was a dude named Mike who used to go and shop with a lady friend of mine some years back, and when I asked if he was gay and was told "no" I knew something was up. Granted, I once preyed on women with boyfriends, even I couldn't go that route, even a scumbag has standards. I forgot how I got rid of him, something to do with telling him if I ever found out that he had bad intentions that I would "castrate him in a public place", but I can't quite remember exactly. I see him nowadays and he always tries to shake my hand where I say, "Fuuuck you!" OK, did I tell you how I could hold a grudge?

They Talk shit about you: When female friends of a girlfriend that I have usually talk shit about me, they know they are safe because I can't beat the shit out of them. But, dudes posing as friends mistakenly think that they have the same privilege and join in on the "HumanityCritic" bashing. He forgot that he is a man, so he was eligible to get a first class ass beating, and his name was next on the list. How do I know he spoke ill of yours truly? Well, Ladies, no matter how much of a psycho your man is about something, many of you can't resist telling your man exactly what would set him off. I remember it like it was yesterday, my girlfriend coming in and saying, "The other day John said that you were a piece of shit who needed to be taught a lesson, and that you are lucky that you never stepped to him. He thinks that I should leave you alone as well!!" Now, why did she just say that to me?? So the following weekend I went to a club that they were all at, walked up to John and kicked him dead in the chest to the point that he fell backwards and slid about 4 feet onto the dance floor. As John was holding his chest and crying like a character in a ghetto gospel play I screamed, "What did you have to say now!!" That was when a couple of bouncer proceeded in kicking the living shit out of me, but that's beside the point, John got the message.

42 comments:

Oliviasmommi said...

Yeah...most of my friends are men...and most of them would sleep with me if I let it go there. Sad but true!

Oliviasmommi said...

I felt like I needed to follow-up that comment...I by no means wanted that to come across as though I thought all men wanted me. I was more so just pointing out the lecherous nature of men!

And I have to agree with a comment from yesterday...this word verification things bites ass!

chele said...

HC -- maybe they act nervous around you because you're a wee bit scary. Just a thought. I agree that most men don't have "true friendship" in mind when they try to get to know a woman. I must also say that my best friend is a man -- never had sex with him, never wanted to, neither did he, he's not gay -- married with three kids. It is possible but not probable.

Miz JJ said...

That last story was hilarious. You really do kick a lot of ass.

glory said...

yeah well i once had a platonic friend who has once met the boyfriend of mine at that time and i watched the two interact. it was a learning experience. part of me was hoping my man could sniff out anything about my friend i couldn't see and vice-versa.

Neil said...

Oh, man, did you OUT me here. I am guilty of charged: "Listening" to women, caring about their boyfriend problems, going bra-shopping -- while all the time scheming how to get into their pants. Shit, now that you blew the cover on all of us guy-friends, what do I do now? Actually ask a woman out on a date?

I am Jack said...

Yeah, I gotta agree. If you are a straight man going bra shopping, his bitch ass has evil intentions. Who would want to do that if they didn't have to anyways?

Amadeo said...

Great list...I hate that "you must not trust me" argument...I keep telling the ladies I know about men they've been friends of mine. And I have had a girl tell me about some ignorant shyt her "friend" said then she did want me to confront him...WTF!?!?!?

The Humanity Critic said...

"And I have to agree with a comment from yesterday...this word verification things bites ass!"

I feel you, but erasing 200 pieces of blog spam on your blog sucks a little bit more.

Oliviasmommi said...

OK OK OK...I will politely deal with the word verification thing...but only because I love you...lol.

Nova said...

Great post man. Honestly the few females that I genuinely consider friends I could never go there with, I'd feel like I'm messing with my sister.

Reese The Law Girl said...

Okay, why did I laugh hardest at that Kobe Bryant-Rap Album description. HA! That was funny!

Breez said...

I'm not down with that platonic friend thing either. Shit happens, whether folks start out with good intentions or not. And you're right: I would go straight up Bruce Banner on the brawd that tries to step to my man on the funny style.

African girl, American world said...

I swore up and down that it could be done till one day out the blue..the speech came. Damn!
Just found your blog - enjoyed it.

Kelly said...

Out of all my friends, only 2 are chicks. And I know that I can have sex with any of them. Why? Because any of them I have given the signal to jumped. Sometimes you use a friend as a fuck buddy instead of passing your pussy around like a Tijuana hooker. Hey, at least there is monogomy somewhere.

Anyways, my man had some serious issues with a couple of my guy friends, and some of the reasons were those you stated HC. right on, as usual.

mai said...

lol! um, that girl was a straight up instigator!! damn right, she knew what she was doing. he probably pissed her off somehow.

i have only 1 male friend, and he's in LA. lives there, in fact, 3000 miles away from where i am. nothing going on there. any other guys i know that i consider 'friends', um, yeah, none of that platonic BS going on. basically, the phrase for 'platonic male friend', is 'this guy i know from (work, school, etc.)'.

Rell said...

sob story is one of my favorite ones -- it gets used on me all the freakin time...

Hänni said...

Dude, first off, let me say you are a freakin comedic genius.

Second, I'd like to amend your statement that if you're male, unless you're gay, you shouldn't be bra shopping. I have to say, even if you're gay, I'd question the motive. Gay men are afraid of Victoria's Secret too! The brassier, after all, is foreign territory to one who deals in steak instead of tuna.

lady in satin said...

Oh lawd!! Not another one!!! Are you and my boyfriend related??? LOL
He hardly likes any of my male friends. He sniffs out the ones that have alterior motives and practically forces me to get rid of them. I hated that at first, but I could see how some of my so-called male friends were really not my friends. They would talk bad about my boyfriend to me and try to convince me of certain things, even breaking up with him!! And myself...being such a nice and sometimes naive person, would listen to them. But my boyfriend found out what was going on and made me cut them off. LOL. I have to say, our relationship is alot better now because we were fighting alot when this was going on.

Chele said...

Some men (and women) aren't sincere in saying they just want to be your friend, but practicing common sense will help one weed out all the bs. Everybody *aint* ya friend. We have to be just as careful in picking friends as we are picking romantic partners. Maybe that's the problem all the way around.

I couldn't be with a man who was insecure like that. Scared one of my friends may bubble up while he's not looking. What MUST he think of ME? Last I looked, nobody can get the drawls or my heart without my participation.

Would you try to make me dump all my tried and true friends just because they're male and you're insecure? Yuk.

I've been in relationships like that before and being "friendly" to someone of the opposite sex means an argument when we get home. Or right there on the spot.
Yuk.

You can keep right on saying "I trust you, but not them" and be lying to yourself AND me. My friends couldn't do anything *I didn't LET them*. So, what are you saying, Todd (saying Todd)?

Love said...

my friends find that I have alot of men friends but I can lime with fellas. I am accustom liming with my brother and his friends. But me and my male friends might flirt but I aint go do shit.

"the guy who is "sensitive" and "caring", once had a rape charge in college" ---> funny but that is true I believe.

ManNMotion said...

The sad thing is that many of our male friends will mess around with our woman given the right circumstances (and the fact that we are probably with the wrong woman). That's why I keep my eyes open to see if someone tries to put themselves in the right circumstances regardless of whether the person is a "friend" or not.

And then, of course, there's the chick who says "we used to sleep together but now we are just friends.." Also interpreted as "until it's convenient to be more than friends."

Not to be forgotten is the guy who she keeps running back to between relationships "but this time it's really put to rest and we are just friends" until she's between relationships again.

I am Jack said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Shirazi said...

Very informed post and comments here, my differences of opinion notwithstanding.

Shirazi said...

Oliviasmommi - I am a (man) and agree with you from men's point of view, exception are there though.

DP said...

dead ass on.

most of my friends are women i would do if i wasnt so danged picky.

my divorce led me to pretty much only sleep with women i am in relationships with, and since I am a serial monogamist, well, you do the math.

Most men dont care like i do.

most men arent smart enough to lay in the cut indefinitely.

Indefinitely is a mighty long time, and If you are trying to do a girl, then you actually have to TRY to do her...and that leads to the hilarity you describe.

sttropezbutler said...

Did Kobe do a rap cd? LOL! You're great HC...but you know that!

STB

Go Astros.

Diva in Training said...

I am so glad you came by my blog. I had stopped by long time ago and loved your previous posts but forgot to bookmark you.

Yup I played the role of the sweet female friend once or twice. Being the sweet unsuspecting fat friend, to most females I flew under their radar and their foolishness was to my gain. Like you I went through my relationship hell and paid my dues for the bad karma I put out there.
I've also had a couple "caring" and sensitive male friends who seem to be waiting on the sidelines while I was dating someone else. In some cases I fell for it but most I knew their game. Another great post.

Curious1 said...

Very cool post. I agree I am very weary of guy friends when it comes to the lady. Don't trust them mofos.

Curious1 said...

I think being friends with the opposite sex can definetly happen. It's just that it all has to be under certain circumstances na mean.

Brother OMi said...

you should write a book on this man. for real.

confessions of a woman thief...
word up... ha ha

gramyactress@21 said...

THIS WAS GOOD VERY INFORMATIONAL. i KNOW THAT WHEN I HEAR GUYSD LIKE YOU COMING HIT THE BRICKS

VAN007 said...

So are you saying my straight male friends want to be more than friends and want to know me in a "biblical" way. hehehe

No but seriously I have had male friends that didn't want to be more than friends (I think). When it comes to my male friend vs. boyfriend... well nobody wins because when it's all said and done I expect my boyfriend to be my best friend as well.

I am Jack said...

"I couldn't be with a man who was insecure like that. Scared one of my friends may bubble up while he's not looking. What MUST he think of ME?"

From HC Post: "I know, I know, men and women can be platonic friends, yadda-yadda-yadda. I have a couple female friends who I have never contemplated penetrating, so I know that friendships between opposite sexes is indeed possible."

"Last I looked, nobody can get the drawls or my heart without my participation."

..like HC predicted here. ". I guess the counter argument from the Ladies would be, "But at the end of the day its my choice also, so you really don't trust me!!""

"Would you try to make me dump all my tried and true friends just because they're male and you're insecure? Yuk."

Where in the post did it imply dumping your male friends? Just wondering.

"I've been in relationships like that before and being "friendly" to someone of the opposite sex means an argument when we get home. Or right there on the spot.
Yuk."

Again, there was nowhere in that post that implied that either. Reading Comprehension? Yuk.

"You can keep right on saying "I trust you, but not them" and be lying to yourself AND me. My friends couldn't do anything *I didn't LET them*. So, what are you saying, Todd (saying Todd)?"

I guess he is saying what he said here: " OK ladies, lets say your man had a co-worker who you met on a few occasions, smiled in your face, and seemed like a very nice woman. Wouldn't you want to go to your man's job and beat the brakes off that broad if she tried to get to know your man "biblicly" and told your man, "I don't care if you have a girlfriend or not", after that chick smiled all in your face and shit? That's what I thought"

Chele said...

Jack, you are talking about stuff that has nothing to do with FRIENDSHIP. The quotes you pulled testify to that. I didn't say anything about co-workers who are laying in the cut. I talked about tried and true friends and insecure partners who don't trust any of their friends and in essence, their mate.

In my opinion, saying "Did I ever tell you how I distrust any male friend of a woman I'm dating, if only for just a little while?" and "I think friendship between the opposite sexes is possible" is just plain ol oxy den a mug.

I enjoyed his post but I'm not going to agree with everything I read all the time. HC is grown-up enough to understand that. Hopefully, everyone else is, too.

Shon said...

Furthermore Jack, did you really just come to another grown ass mans defense because a female didnt agree with him? That's some fag ass shit. Maybe you know HC more than just a man who blogs. If so, i profusely apoligize. If not, thats some fag ass shit.

Disclaimer: I have no problem with homosexuals

I am Jack said...

in response to penetra-"shon"

"Furthermore Jack, did you really just come to another grown ass mans defense because a female didnt agree with him?"

Who said that I was a "man" in the first place? In an age where females have a plethora of nicknames, where "jack" could be short for "jacklyn", it makes you look rather foolish assuming doesn't it?

"That's some fag ass shit."

Or possibly some "fag-hag" shit?? Mental midget.

"If not, thats some fag ass shit. Disclaimer: I have no problem with homosexuals"

What a complete waste of sperm you are. That like calling someone a "n*gger" and then turining around and saying, "But I don't have a problem with African Americans" Stop being a sperm recepticle your whole life why don't you.

I am Jack said...

"In my opinion, saying "Did I ever tell you how I distrust any male friend of a woman I'm dating, if only for just a little while?" and "I think friendship between the opposite sexes is possible" is just plain ol oxy den a mug."

But he didn't pose it like he thought it should be the gospel for evey person, just that man's personal opinion. I don't particularly agree with it, but those are his particular feelings basd on his experiences, so to come off "outraged" is just sort of pathetic.

MindRhythms said...

Very interesting... and in some incidences I tend to agree. I have always been one to have lots of homeboys (women get on my nerves)... most of them were geniunely my friends. But there were a couple that wanted to get in my panties. I soon figured them out.. and made them get a stepping!!

My boyfriend ain't with that "homeboy" stuff, and I think its for the same reasons you aren't. He used to be a mess! So I keep my homeboys at bay.. email will do.

Crackpot Press said...

I recently met a woman who and we really hit it off.

She told me that she had started seeing someone (a local "personality") and it was getting serious.

For one of the first times, I accepted this. Why? She can spout baseball stats like no woman I have ever met.

Also women in LA have all dated a local "personality"... guess what ?

It rarely works.

And so I wait... two-three weeks... she'll get sick of his shit.

We're all watching the World Series tonight.

Miss Rei said...

Thanks, HC...you have just confirmed everything my man has said about my male friends or "boys"...LOL! But is it my fault if I'm so desirable? J/K...Great post!

Shon said...

Jack,

It doesnt matter if you're a female or a male. You are still a bitch.

I'm done!!!