The other day, as I rambled about politics at a local watering hole that I frequent, a young woman overheard my conversation posed a question that has stuck to me like Tom Cruise and gay rumors. As I talked about Dick Cheney's 5 Vietnam deferments and how he doesn't the right to question anyone's "backbone", the dirty campaigning that was run by Jerry Kilgore here in Virginia that cost him the election, and a few other random political tidbits, she asked: "Have you ever thought about getting into politics?? Don't you want to be president one day?" I laughed it off at first, rambled something about "not wanting to get assassinated while giving my presidential acceptance speech", and kept buying her shots hoping that I would do things with her that would force me to the clinic in a paranoid fit of hypochondria. After she had thrown up and told me that she was a lesbian, it finally sunk in that I would spend another lonely masturbatory night at home. When I got home and opened my porn closet(angelic music actually comes on when I open the door) and tried to figure out which selection would be best used for "stroke material"(They are all alphabetized by the way), the question that she posed popped back into my head. I thought about all the perks being the President would bring my way, but reality, being the cruel motherfucker it is, crept up on me and I realized that I could never be president. Here are a few reasons why.
There is a sex tape of me floating around: Well, maybe. A girl that I was casually seeing did something that no woman before or since has agreed to do with me, have sex on tape. I remember asking her about it, awaiting her to say what every woman says, "No way, what if it gets out!!". So you can imagine my surprise when she agreed to do it, and since she had a video camera we were half way there and shit. But as the realization of having sex on tape set in, pre-mature ejaculation, the camera adding 15 pounds, questionable technique, growling sounds when I "climax", asking my lover to sing the Umpa-Loompa song as I reciprocate oral, so I didn't bring it up again and desperately hoped that she would forget about it. Fast forward a month later, after we had both attended her friends birthday party where I was high as a kite, she taped our lovemaking session that particular night. I mean, that's what she said, because of the mixture of Jack Daniels, melted Hops, some jello shooters and marijuana, I couldn't remember that night if you held a gun to my head. I felt that I should be pissed by her violating me in such a way, not being told that I was being recorded, expressing my outrage that she would do such a thing. But I came to my senses, realized that I am a lecherous prick and quickly got over it.
So for the next few days we were playing phone tag, trying to link up and watch the tape together, then one day she said, "HumanityCritic, I lost the tape.." Just thinking about the world seeing why I am insecure about my penis, I lost it, screaming "What!!!! You have got to be kidding me!!" Then, I guess shocked at my reaction she said, "Naww, I'm just kidding. I never recorded us having sex." I pressed her about it for a few minutes, thinking that her sudden "admission" was a bit too convenient, but that has been the story that she has stuck with the whole time. Who knows, she could be telling the truth and didn't record us, but I have the sneaking feeling that somewhere there is a group of women laughing their ass off at a 2 minute porn where I'm high as hell, bopping my head to Willy Wonka songs, and growling at the end of it. Yeah, that could hurt my political aspirations.
Incriminating pictures: I had a friend named Nancy who is a photographer who I have known most of my life. She is talented, and her career has taken off and I couldn't be happier. Sort of. If I ever decide to run for office she could be one of the main reasons that my political career will be derailed by would be saboteurs. See, Nancy had documented our friendship over the years with pictures that she has taken with the both of us, or me, in various situations. The pictures are a work of art, not based on my miserable mug but her talent, the problem is that some of them show me doing things that I'm not proud of. She has a lovely picture of me smoking weed at a birthday party one year, along with one where I am rolling up a joint laughing hysterically. Even though this particular photo was one of me being silly, but she has a picture of me after I put some flower on my face acting like I was in a coke induced fit. Not to mention a lovely array of photographs of scuffles that I have gotten into when she was around, the one of me hitting a dude in a Santa Claus Costume at a Christmas Party is quite festive. The real problem is that Nancy and I had a falling out because I had told her that she shouldn't marry a guy who I thought was a douche bag, and when I turned out to be right I think she resented me for it. Listen, I'm not saying that Nancy would sell those photos to cripple my campaign, but I have learned never to put anything past anyone.
I'm Single: I have come to the conclusion that I will probably be single for the rest of my life. I'm not against marriage, I actually would embrace spending the rest of my life with someone, but when I look at my idiosyncrasies and how irritated people make me I just can't see it. My paranoia and distrust of people is pretty crippling, and sometimes I feel that people I like don't feel the same way about me, so I will possibly be "the old guy in the club" as Chris Rock so succinctly put it. That being said, I just feel that people wouldn't elect a president that was single in my honest opinion. That's probably a good thing though, because the press would go crazy photographing miscellaneous women getting kicked out of the White House at all hours of the night, half dressed. Or reporters, instead of asking me serious political questions about trade agreements or nuclear arms, they would ask, "So, what's up with Mariah Carey?? She said you dumped her, thoughts??" I can really see me letting my supporters down when I address my republican critics with a speech entitled, "Don't worry about who I'm fucking!!" A nuclear strike might occur if I haven't had some in a while and was on edge. Plus, people would hate interviewing me, because after each interview I might tell the reporter, "Nice tits, what are you doing later??" Not really presidential.
My inability to let things go: When you think of a Commander in Chief you think of someone with integrity, maturity, and a level of diplomacy that is virtually unparalleled. The problem that I see with being the future president of the United States is that I would want to retort anything said about me, either by using insults or threats of violence. Fidel Castro decides that he wants to make some fiery speech condemning me, I simply hold a press conference where in it I say something equating to "That old man doesn't want to get his geriatric ass beaten." Kim Jong Ill decides to threaten the United States in a very subtle manner, I set up a peace conference where I travel all the way to some neutral location to meet him, get in the same room together and put him in a full nelson, screaming "What was that shit you were talking again? Say that to my face you deranged fuck!!" If my presidential opposition decides to say some slick shit to me while we are in the middle of a debate, I don't really see how me jumping over his podium to get to him or threatening to shove a microphone up his ass will get me elected.