Tuesday, November 15, 2005

On the Radio with "The HumanityCritic"

*radio commercial starts*

Announcer: From the same writers who brought you the world renown plays "Hell in a chickenbasket" and "What is your skanky ass doing in Church?", the new ghetto gospel play "Lord, who done drank up all the damn Kool-Aid!!" Staring Nathaniel "Rollo from Sandford and Son" Taylor as Preacher Bob Evans. "Now son, you know better than to drink all the Kool-Aid, especially when it's grape!! Lord have mercy on your soul!!!!!" Co-Starring Daniel "Dee from "What's Happening"" Spencer as the concerned sister: "Ewwww, I'm gonna tell ma!! When she finds out that you drank up all the Kool Aid you are going to get a beating. Ewwww!" Phillip Michael Thomas plays Tyrone the estranged father. "Crokett, I mean Son, I know I wasn't there for you growing up but that doesn't mean that you have to punish me by not leaving Kool Aid for others. You definitely need the lord in your life." Carl Anthony (Cole From "Martin") Payne as the Kool Aid drinker himself, Rufus."I need help yall, the lord is the only one that can deliver me from my addiction to the powder goodness called Kool-Aid. It got to the point that I started masturbating to pictures of the Kool-Aid man. Somebody please help me!" And, in a role that has garnered her one NAACP award, 2 Flee-market awards for actress of the year, and a coveted Rosco's Chicken and Waffle award, Marla(from the "Jefferson's") Gibbs:"Ewww child, I'll be damned if any son of mine finishes any of my Kool-Aid. Jive Turkey!!" Be sure to come to this ghetto gospel extravaganza, brought to you by "Setting the black race back 100 years" productions.

Woman's voice: And now, the man who one woman said was a "horrible lay", another who said was "hung like a toddler", and a third woman who said was a "ok guy". 2 out of 3 ex girlfriends can't be wrong, Ladies and gentleman, the HumanityCritic.

HumanityCritic: Hey folks, welcome to my radio show on WTCF(Throatchop fuckers) FM. Today I will be doing something a bit different, I will be taking some of your calls. The topic of the say is "Disgruntled Employees", so for anyone sick and fucking tired of their job currently, or if just want to call and bitch about something random, feel free. The numbers here is 555-8798, let your voice be heard. (looking down at control board) Wow that's quick, we have our first caller. Caller, where are you calling from?

Caller: I'm calling from Raleigh North Carolina.

HumanityCritic: OK, do you have anything to say about being a disgruntled employee??

Caller: Well, no. I just wanted to tell you that me, along with a few other people who will remain anonymous, hate your fucking blog!!

HumanityCritic: Ok, you are free to your opinion, why do you hate it?

Caller: Because you are full of shit, most of the shit is probably made up! I used to read you but over the past few months I have grown tired of you. You are just a story teller, that's all. What do you think about that?

HumanityCritic: Who cares?? If you believe what I write, cool, I appreciate it. If not, either go about your business or view it as fiction, I could actually care less. Think about it, I am the same guy who has admitted that he can't fit a magnum condom, and comes faster than a speeding bullet, do you think I lay awake at night wondering "So and so feels I am full of shit"? Come on now.

Caller: Well let me tell you something pal, I have started an organization called B.I.T.C.H., Bloggers Internationally Taking Care of HumanityCritic. We will shut you down!!

HumanityCritic: I know about your organization, leaving anonymous comments in a cowardly fashion and shit, discussing me around other bloggers with an agenda of hate. This call is over, but your acronym is rather silly because it can be seen as being complimentary towards me, like my own personal whore harem. Dumb fuck. *Click* Next caller, whats your name and where are you calling from?

Caller: My name is Al, and I'm calling from Philly. I want to talk about being a disgruntled Employee

HumanityCritic: Cool, why are you a disgruntled employee.

Caller: My co-workers don't respect me, the writers make me seem like an A-sexual douche-bag, and if I hear Rudy say another one of his "Like school on a Sunday, no class" lines I swear I'm going to bludgeon that motherfucker!!

HumanityCritic: Fat Albert!!?? I love that show man, I grew up on that shit. What do you have to complain about??

Caller:My name is Albert Wentworth, the "fat" moniker is for the show, get it right asshole. I have plenty of reasons to complain, for one thing I seem to be the butt of everyone's jokes, I have to wear the same shit every episode, and because of how I am portrayed I get hit on by guys when I'm in public. Even though I love the ladies with a passion, People think I'm gay!!

HumanityCritic: Oh stop it, no one thinks that! Why do you say that?

Caller: When a guy has great advice and never gets the girl, what other way do you think people will view him??

HumanityCritic: I guess you have a point. Look on the bright side, you had the movie version to come out which..

Caller:(Interrupting) ...sucked complete ass!! Cosby told me years ago that if he ever did a movie version that I would be like a tubby version of "Shaft" and shit, being in sex scenes with women doing some freaky lesbian shit. Granted, we were both drunk off our asses but that's beside the point. But, not only wasn't I in the movie but they banned me from the set which was bullshit.

HumanityCritic: Yeah that sucks, I don't know what to tell you dude. We have to take our next caller.

Caller: I didn't call for your fucking help, just to vent. By the way, do you know the quality of ass I get when I tell people who I am?? It's sad man, but then I guess it could be worse, I could tell people that I was the "Black Blogger of the Year! hee-hee!"

HumanityCritic: Hey, hey!! That's about enough out of you. *Click* Next Caller, what's your name and what do you want to talk about??

Caller: My name is Chuck, and since I heard my homeboy Al call in I thought I would chime in.

HumanityCritic: OK, shoot.

Caller: Well, I am also a disgruntled employee. It's horrible man, I have a co-worker that torments me, another one that hardly washes his ass, a chick that continuously smells like weed, and my bosses are racist because there is only one black guy in the cast, my homeboy Fraklin.

HumanityCritic: Ahh, Charlie Brown!! Go into it a bit more if you don't mind.

Caller: OK. It's downright embarrassing, always falling for the "hiding football" trick is getting so fucking tired. I know Shultz tried to make me the "lovable loser" and everything, rest in peace, but it has wrecked my sex life. When getting ready to make love, if one more chick moves her vagina away giggling before insertion, I'm going to shoot myself.

HumanityCritic: It can't be that bad man, people love that show.

Caller: They wouldn't love it if they knew that Snoopy was a goddamn diva, constantly showing up late to work smelling like he had been with some stale ass hookers, still coked up. They wouldn't still like the show if they knew that Lucy was a bona fide freak, she ran through the cast until Pigpen gave her a nasty infection.(Even though I think Franklin is "tapping that" currently) Lastly, if Peppermint Patty sells me one more bullshit bag of weed I think I'm going to narc her ass out.

HumanityCritic: Damn Chuck, you're fired up today..

Caller: Damn right, I am a classically trained actor, but every year they show that miserable Halloween episode where I keep getting rocks..

HumanityCritic: I love that one, hee-hee

Caller: See what I mean?? I get no respect, you don't understand my plight!! Fuck you.. Oh yeah, your blog sucks man and I'm going to be a new member of B.I.T.C.H you, you, bitch!! *click*

HumanityCritic: Another satisfied customer, that concludes our radio show for today. Tune in next time when we will be discussing how Hip Hop has sort of turned into professional wrestling. You know, with rappers needing a compelling back story and shit. See ya next time.

(Theme music closes the show out)


Belve said...

"Tune in next time when we will be discussing how Hip Hop has sort of turned into professional wrestling. You know, with rappers needing a compelling back story and shit."

Now Thats a real topic!!!

Let me get my blank tape out

creature said...

Excellent work HumanityCritic, love the blog!

Oliviasmommi said...

My brother used to have a poster of Fat Albert and the Gang hanging in his bedroom. You do not think that could mean he is gay do you? *wink*

glory said...

no, no, wait HC! what's yo' theme music?

VAN007 said...

Funny post..... keep the radio shows coming.

indigo said...

i have 3 jobs and i could tell you some ill stories about past horrible jobs...

dotcomdiva said...

Why you hatin' on the ghetto gospel stage play? I loved "Mama I Want to Sing, But My Arms Are Too Short to Box With God In The Beauty Shop". LOL

**RPM** said...

Philip Michael...the man with the worst chest hair in show biz.

mai said...

hee hee! poor Albert - and poor Chuck! damn that Lucy! damn her to hell!

sidebar: i got some red Kool-Aid right now *sips*
and lots of sugar, too - yum! just the thing to make me forget that ghetto gospel plays exist.

Andrea said...

Are you really getting hate comments??
I hope not!!
I have notcied a few flying around some other blogs, I got hit with my own and I am not even interesting!!
i like ya.

GC (God's Child) said...

had to sneak the masturbation in there somewhere, dint cha?

Amadeo said...

I think Charlie Brown needs to just go off and start smacking people...I always thought Lucy deserved a good suplex. It's messed up when people like your dog more than you.

Anonymous said...

Love or hate...is far better than indifference.

Love ya shit (no homo, always wanted to say that)