A funny thing happened to me yesterday as I listened to random Hip Hop tunes, worked on my book, and played Madden 06' on PlayStation(I'm a multi-tasker), I got a call from a "private" number. One to screen calls like a motherfucker, I avoid calls marked private primarily because they are telemarketers, just plain bad news if you ask me. But recently, and I don't know why, my sister who lives in Scranton Pa has been calling and for some reason her number has came up "private", so as I looked at the phone and figured I'd take a gamble. I picked it up and heard a familiar voice on the other end, a woman that I have dated off and on for a while. Listen, I won't bash her, and I was a bona fide asshole through our tenure together, but I think me meeting her right after a break up and me not really ever being seriously into her led to my indifference somewhat.
Anyway, I knew what she was going to say before she opened her mouth. See, I had gotten a very cryptic message from her saying something like, "Hey HumanityCritic, I have to give it to you, you were right about something that you said a while ago. Call me back!!" Since we hadn't spoken in a while, and our last few conversations have been "strained" to say the least, I felt a backhanded compliment directed at yours truly. After a few pleasantries she said, "You were right about something that you told me, you WERE a cancer and I have been so happier without you."
Here is a little background on the "Cancer" comment: See, I wasn't right for her, I didn't feel about her the way she felt about me, so I just thought she should stop wasting her time with me and move on. I think she is a great person, and nothing would make me happier than her leaving my black ass alone and finding her soul-mate, I mean that. Anyway, I told her that I was a "cancer" in her life and that she should move on..
But to be honest, I wasn't mad at the fact that she called me to gloat about her new relationship and her new found happiness, I'm happy for her and I would hope that me telling her "You need to move on" would be taken literally. If she would have, in an original fashion, broke down the intricate ways I was a miserable bastard, I would have let her vent and taken the verbal onslaught without future reciprocity. The problem that I had was that it sounded rehearsed and contrived, that was evident from the call that I got a few days earlier preparing me for said call. Also its like she had a meeting with a rat-pack of other unoriginal wenches, hired bitter ass tacticians who had blueprints made up of how the call would go, just in the hopes that their "A-Team" type plan would result in simply "feeling better".
Here is the part that I don't get, and if this sounds harsh and pisses off my female readers who have dealt with assholes like myself, then I am sorry. But, besides letting that unoriginal rehearsed diatribe out, she said what she said like it would hurt my feelings. Not to be a prick, but don't you think me telling you to move on, not calling you, not taking your calls, feeling indifferent about you the same way a person would feel about random cheeses, and talking about meeting someone new would indicate one important factor in this whole equation: That I'm an asshole, and seriously I could care less.
In closing, when you say that I'm an "asshole" I have to raise a glass to you, and toast you with those who say that the "sky is blue", "Michael Jordan is the best basketball player ever", "Milk comes from cows", and other groundbreaking "thinkers" who have the unique ability of stating the fucking obvious.(Take a bow, Jackass..)But the good thing about this is that I know from now on that the calls marked "Private" will be from my sister, and not from someone who needs a script to go by to tell somebody off. So good luck to you, sincerely, as I hang with a woman that unbelievably doesn't mind my pre-ejaculatory habits, and considers my "Cancer" to be in remission.(But who knows how long she will go being unsatisfied)