
As I sat in my car and realized that the "practice vagina" and I ran in many of the same circles, I openly wondered how many people thought I was a bona fide stalker. I usually don't care what people think, being that I admit to 2 minute love making and a savage addiction to masturbation, but being classified as a stalker ranks up there with having an animal porn fetish or being a black republican. So I got home and reached a few people, and it turns out that more people than I would like had heard her untrue tales of me being a stalker, which is upsetting. Not because of the lie that she told, but because it explains why I struck out like Michael Jordan holding a bat at every poetry event for some time.(When burning inscense and quoting Maya Angelou stopped being a panty dropper, I knew something was up.) So I figured that I would get revenge, don't worry, I won't and go and punch her new boyfriend as a "casualty of war" beat-down. I won't go to the club that she frequents and give her a beer bath, lets leave that to Dr. Dre videos for now. I figured that I would do what any red blooded Type A, throat-chopping, agenda of rage, hit first mentality, angry black man would do: I will blog about her.(I sometimes joke with Brother Omi that my throat-chops of irritation will turn into me saying, "If you don't stop, I will blog about you!! How sad.) Well, actually I will discuss some Hall of Fame stalkers that I have had over the past 15 years.

Fast forward a month later and I had met her for lunch, we had some silly ass picnic that she planned one day, and the following night we went to have a few drinks. The only thing I thought about penetrating that night was my sobriety, but a after a few drinks she was all on me like a cheap suit.(I guess she had misplaced said chastity belt.) We got back to the crib and humped like two drugged up test bunnies, not to go into specific detail because I try not to get too crass on my blog, but it didn't "feel" like she had been celibate for a long time. Then I was horrified when I factored in that I might just have a microscopic penis, so I just sat back and enjoyed the ride. After we laid there in our post coitus glow, she said, "You Know I'm going to stalk you now right??" I laughed, and quickly forgot about it. But, a few days later, I noticed that she would drive past my house all hours of the night. When I came home one day she was parked in the court across the street, the shit was getting scary so when I asked her about it she denied it like I was the crazy one. There was a long pause when I pointed out this specific fact: "Who else in Virginia Beach has a pink AMC Pacer!! That was you motherfucker!!" But in hindsight it was weird, it wasn't like I didn't call her, shew didn't give me a chance not to because of the immediate stalking. She stopped though, not because she knew that it was uncomfortable to me, but I threatened to sick Suzy on her, who is like 55-0 in feminine hand to hand combat.
So that was that, time passes, and sometimes she would stop by and visit me when she was over my neighbors house. I usually hate "pop ups", but I didn't mind it for some reason. I really didn't mind it after a while, because even though she showed symptoms of being certifiable, we dated briefly. I say briefly because every time we had a argument she threatened to tell the scores of men I had taken money off of during those poker games. I hate to be threatened, so I ended it with a quickness. Besides her parking her car in my driveway and sleeping there overnight, and lengthy letters telling me that she will "have me killed if I don't get back with her", I was under the suspicion that she was stalking me. She made my life hell for a moment because not only did I have to fight a gentleman that she told about my cheating, but the rest of the dudes knew where I lived, so I felt like the Malcolm X picture where he is looking out the window with a shotgun. Like the genitalia of female porn stars of the early 70's, it got pretty hairy for a moment. But eventually she stopped, I guess realizing that a guy who is hung like a toddler really isn't worth it. But the effects of that crazy broad affect me to this day, since it is damn near impossible for me to get a card game in this stinking city.

She made my life hell, I couldn't even pay the resident female ass kicker to hand her a beating because she was her best friend. So like a prostitute who gives her services and isn't paid like she was supposed to, I was fucked in more ways than one. That was until a good friend of mine used a Bush administration tactics, smear the fuck out of that individual to get the focus off of your ass. My friend Tommy had spread this Rumor that she had fucked a teacher, a teacher who was rumored to have been with students intimately anyway, so it worked. Granted, there was some sort of investigation on said teacher and Tonya had switched schools, but it got the spotlight off of my black ass though. The best part is when I played a very sick and twisted message that Tanya had left on the answering machine for my mother, where she would "murder my cat" and have me "raped like the bitch you are". My mother, the sweet lady that she is, uttered the unforgettable: "Yep, that fucking whore is crazy, I believe you.." and calmly walked off.
26 comments:
Funny as always and sadly enough sounds like how a lot of my infrequent dating experiences end.
Too funny... You might want to keep Suzy on speed dial!
No fuckin doubt:If you don't stop, I will blog about you!
you are hilarious!
I've never had a stalker. I got an ex-wife, though. Get one of those and tell me which is worse.
KZ
You shoulda known that neighbour chick would turn into a stalker. The 'pop up' is a prime clue. I hate 'pop ups' of all types. Call first. You don't know who is up in my place so you need to let me know you are coming by.
um... damn.
nah, only had one stalker, and it was too easy to turn the tables on him, so that didn't last long.
got my boy Nate at the job readin' your shiz now - he laughs about your posts every time i see him. he is now your new stalker. congrats, and, uh, sorry.
Your moms kicks ass...
Your mom rocks and I LOVE!!!
-I will blog about you!
Briliant.
Your stalkings were funny, now anyways. When I bartended for a few years, I had a string of stalkers. Most of them, I'd only served drinks to and had turned down their advances. One followed me home every night and watched me as I walked my dog. I'd reported him and the police caught him peeking in my window, ran a check on him and he was wanted for sexual assualt. So, not always funny...unless it happens to you (HC), now that's funny. :)
Hugs
awww, i've never had a stalker! *pouts*
but i have been known to stalk... yea that was me in ur bushes... so?
You are hilarious! I found a link to your page on kapgar.com, and will definetely be coming back for more!
P.S. You must be hot shit with all those stalkers! Damn!
I never understood taking time out of your life to "stalk" someone. It only happened to me once ... nothing serious just drving by at all hours, leaving notes on my car.
i glad i don't know any real crazy bitches!! that is horrible!!! i prolly do know some just haven't heard the stries...i thought my sister was certifiable but nothing compared to your stories!;)
Man I had one that used to show up at the bar i used to frequent in hopes that I'd get so drunk I'd have no choice but to rekindle our lost affections. But raise your glass and give a cheers to really good friends who wouldn't let that happen! ...and the hot ass shooter girl that would take me home instead.
Damn Ike,
Lemme find out, chicks are sweating you for TWO minutes! Lol
I have never been the stalker type.
Tina just cuts ya.... lol
Later Babes, been gone for a minute, work calls, and personal goals on the plate.
Catch U...
Can I make a suggestion?!
wHY DON'T YOU TAKE A PIC OF YOUR FREEZER?!?
and send it to me..
...'practice vagina': pure fucking gold!
"but being classified as a stalker ranks up there with having an animal porn fetish or being a black republican"
I had to laugh out loud at that one. Good post!
well for a guy that states his loving making is in 2mins and is hung like a toddler, you got alot of stalkers. so you got to be doing something right in that 2mins
i had two stalkers in my life so I feel you
Too funny and scary too.. Never been stalked, nor have i been a stalker but I hope one of my friends loves me enough to slap the shit outta me if I ever ever ever slip off the deep end and go down that road. Thats just kraziness..
lol @ your Mommy.. Gotta love those classic momma comments.
How you thought my blog was even worth looking at when you can write stuff like this I'll never know (Though I've got a suspicion it might be all the Bush hating I do which I hear is getting popular these days)
Thanks for stopping by and for writing a really incredible blog, I've never linked another blog before, but I think after seeing this one I'll try to figure out how, fail, try something different, curse in a long-forgotten tongue, and then forget about it and go to bed.
That was too funny....I have only been stalked once and he was 40 and I was twenty. He looked young and lied about his age and when I found out the truth I dumped him...everywhere I went he was there...it was scary until I told him that I was going to tell my father, brothers and the police....
this is hilarious, as usual. Oh... I sooo love this blog :)
I hope you learned your lesson with that low-rent Lisa Bonet. Any woman who says she's taken a "vow of chastity" is a stalker in the making.
Post a Comment