Thursday, November 03, 2005

Hall of Fame Stalkers

A funny thing happened to me while I was shopping for shelltoe Adidas the other day, I ran into a girl who I used to know "biblically". The reason she never actually reached the girlfriend status is because she was nuttier than squirrel shit, a fact that came to light after we were intimate a few times. Anyway, as I am talking to her and her friend she was with she said something very strange, jokingly she said, "Remember how you used to stalk me?? I hope you still don't do that. hee-hee". I giggled before what she said to me had a chance to compute, and when it did and I noticed that her girlfriend was laughing like she had heard about "my stalking" a million times, I became outraged. I said, "No, you have it wrong, you stalked me!!" She tried to refute my claims but as I broke down every stalkeristic incident that she involved herself in like I was a dreadlocked Perry Mason and shit, and her friend started to believe my side of things, she suddenly "had to go" as she rushed out of that particular sneaker store. After she left I tried on the sneakers that Run DMC made famous, and walked around in them like I had done 85 times before, bought them then bounced.

As I sat in my car and realized that the "practice vagina" and I ran in many of the same circles, I openly wondered how many people thought I was a bona fide stalker. I usually don't care what people think, being that I admit to 2 minute love making and a savage addiction to masturbation, but being classified as a stalker ranks up there with having an animal porn fetish or being a black republican. So I got home and reached a few people, and it turns out that more people than I would like had heard her untrue tales of me being a stalker, which is upsetting. Not because of the lie that she told, but because it explains why I struck out like Michael Jordan holding a bat at every poetry event for some time.(When burning inscense and quoting Maya Angelou stopped being a panty dropper, I knew something was up.) So I figured that I would get revenge, don't worry, I won't and go and punch her new boyfriend as a "casualty of war" beat-down. I won't go to the club that she frequents and give her a beer bath, lets leave that to Dr. Dre videos for now. I figured that I would do what any red blooded Type A, throat-chopping, agenda of rage, hit first mentality, angry black man would do: I will blog about her.(I sometimes joke with Brother Omi that my throat-chops of irritation will turn into me saying, "If you don't stop, I will blog about you!! How sad.) Well, actually I will discuss some Hall of Fame stalkers that I have had over the past 15 years.

This posts inspiration: After my 5 year relationship ended I mistakenly tried to rush back into the relationship game, so I dated a plethora of women. One of the women that I dated was a woman named Deidre, who is an apiring actress and poet, and she kind of favors a poor man's Lisa Bonet. Anyway, I met her through a friend and she was intriguing, in an artsy-fartsy kind of way, and she seemed that she would be a bona fide freak. As we talked, initially I imagined whips, chains, and her drawing on my body with edible body paint that she would quickly eat off. Those visions of grandeur quickly vanished when she told me that she had recently vowed some sort of "oath of celibacy", and that she was saving herself for marriage. Being that I would never purchase a car if I couldn't testdrive it first, I decided that this was a woman that I didn't want to invest that much time in. I even remember jokingly telling her, "I bet if you let me unlock your chastity belt, you might go all psycho on me anyways, stalking me and shit". We both laughed, her because I guess she found what I said funny, me because I knew that 2 minute lovemaking wouldn't change anyones mental health state, but boy did my joke come to life.

Fast forward a month later and I had met her for lunch, we had some silly ass picnic that she planned one day, and the following night we went to have a few drinks. The only thing I thought about penetrating that night was my sobriety, but a after a few drinks she was all on me like a cheap suit.(I guess she had misplaced said chastity belt.) We got back to the crib and humped like two drugged up test bunnies, not to go into specific detail because I try not to get too crass on my blog, but it didn't "feel" like she had been celibate for a long time. Then I was horrified when I factored in that I might just have a microscopic penis, so I just sat back and enjoyed the ride. After we laid there in our post coitus glow, she said, "You Know I'm going to stalk you now right??" I laughed, and quickly forgot about it. But, a few days later, I noticed that she would drive past my house all hours of the night. When I came home one day she was parked in the court across the street, the shit was getting scary so when I asked her about it she denied it like I was the crazy one. There was a long pause when I pointed out this specific fact: "Who else in Virginia Beach has a pink AMC Pacer!! That was you motherfucker!!" But in hindsight it was weird, it wasn't like I didn't call her, shew didn't give me a chance not to because of the immediate stalking. She stopped though, not because she knew that it was uncomfortable to me, but I threatened to sick Suzy on her, who is like 55-0 in feminine hand to hand combat.

Janet, the Neighbor's friend: I guess it is common knowledge that you shouldn't date a neighbor, well I should have realized that dating the friend of a neighbor is just as stupid. My neighbor has these Poker parties where I go to, talk shit, and take money off of assholes who are too stupid to realize that I am cheating my ass off. Well, my neighbors friend named Janet had picked up on scam, not only because I wasn't being too subtle about my "technique" but also because she used to be a dealer in Vegas some years ago. She confronted me about what I was doing after everyone had left and said that only one thing could keep her quiet. I figured that she meant "hush money", so I pulled it out hoping that she wouldn't bribe the fuck out of me in the future. Actually, she wanted me to escort her to some ritzy ass work function that her job was having, and that would be enough to keep her mouth shut. I agreed, plus she was fine as fuck so it was hardly a punishment. So we went, had a great time, didn't even throat-chop her boss that said, "Wow, he is so intelligent and articulate" like a black man can't successfully string a complete sentence together.

So that was that, time passes, and sometimes she would stop by and visit me when she was over my neighbors house. I usually hate "pop ups", but I didn't mind it for some reason. I really didn't mind it after a while, because even though she showed symptoms of being certifiable, we dated briefly. I say briefly because every time we had a argument she threatened to tell the scores of men I had taken money off of during those poker games. I hate to be threatened, so I ended it with a quickness. Besides her parking her car in my driveway and sleeping there overnight, and lengthy letters telling me that she will "have me killed if I don't get back with her", I was under the suspicion that she was stalking me. She made my life hell for a moment because not only did I have to fight a gentleman that she told about my cheating, but the rest of the dudes knew where I lived, so I felt like the Malcolm X picture where he is looking out the window with a shotgun. Like the genitalia of female porn stars of the early 70's, it got pretty hairy for a moment. But eventually she stopped, I guess realizing that a guy who is hung like a toddler really isn't worth it. But the effects of that crazy broad affect me to this day, since it is damn near impossible for me to get a card game in this stinking city.

High School Stalker: The first female that was goodly enough to sleep with me on a regular basis was a classmate of mine in High School named Tanya. She was pretty cool, we dated for a while, she would even come to most of my track practices, which was sort of sweet. But, that is the first time that I realized that I get bored easily because I soon felt irritated and smothered. I didn't want to break up with her, just that she shouldn't come to my practices so much because we spent all our time together anyways. In a move that would prove to be mindnumbing, she took my suggestion as us "breaking up" and then proceeded in fucking some asshole who was in my homeroom class.(I never understood the whole, "I'm going to fuck a guy who I don't really know to get back to you. That should show you!!!" Huh?) So since I didn't go crazy, and promptly started dating a girl from a nearby high school who was hotter than fish grease, she turned into my very first stalker. She started telling people that we were still dating, spreading that same rumor at the school of the new girl I was dating, shit like that. To add insult to injury she was cool with my mom and my sister, so when I told them that she was crazy they thought I was joking.(That is the bad thing when you try to funny all the damn time.)

She made my life hell, I couldn't even pay the resident female ass kicker to hand her a beating because she was her best friend. So like a prostitute who gives her services and isn't paid like she was supposed to, I was fucked in more ways than one. That was until a good friend of mine used a Bush administration tactics, smear the fuck out of that individual to get the focus off of your ass. My friend Tommy had spread this Rumor that she had fucked a teacher, a teacher who was rumored to have been with students intimately anyway, so it worked. Granted, there was some sort of investigation on said teacher and Tonya had switched schools, but it got the spotlight off of my black ass though. The best part is when I played a very sick and twisted message that Tanya had left on the answering machine for my mother, where she would "murder my cat" and have me "raped like the bitch you are". My mother, the sweet lady that she is, uttered the unforgettable: "Yep, that fucking whore is crazy, I believe you.." and calmly walked off.

30 comments:

Belve said...

Funny as always and sadly enough sounds like how a lot of my infrequent dating experiences end.

LadyLee said...

Too funny... You might want to keep Suzy on speed dial!

Cory said...

No fuckin doubt:If you don't stop, I will blog about you!

Unconquerable Soul said...

you are hilarious!

Kelly said...

Hey HC, i've been ignoring my blog as well as your, but my ass is back now, and cracking the fuck up at you. I've been stalked, but in the scary, follow me around, call at all hours, and ruin all of my friendship ways. I even got in a car accident because of one crazy ass fool. Glad to hear nothin like that has happend to you!

Oliviasmommi said...

You know what...I do not think I have ever been stalked.

Maybe there is something wrong with me...lol

theclamwhisperer said...

Damn...you've shattered my love life. You mean burning inscense and quoting Maya Angelou aren't the first signs of undying love?

Knockout Zed said...

I've never had a stalker. I got an ex-wife, though. Get one of those and tell me which is worse.

KZ

Miz JJ said...

You shoulda known that neighbour chick would turn into a stalker. The 'pop up' is a prime clue. I hate 'pop ups' of all types. Call first. You don't know who is up in my place so you need to let me know you are coming by.

mai said...

um... damn.

nah, only had one stalker, and it was too easy to turn the tables on him, so that didn't last long.

got my boy Nate at the job readin' your shiz now - he laughs about your posts every time i see him. he is now your new stalker. congrats, and, uh, sorry.

Amadeo said...

Your moms kicks ass...

Andrea said...

Your mom rocks and I LOVE!!!

-I will blog about you!
Briliant.

kathi said...

Your stalkings were funny, now anyways. When I bartended for a few years, I had a string of stalkers. Most of them, I'd only served drinks to and had turned down their advances. One followed me home every night and watched me as I walked my dog. I'd reported him and the police caught him peeking in my window, ran a check on him and he was wanted for sexual assualt. So, not always funny...unless it happens to you (HC), now that's funny. :)
Hugs

VAN007 said...

Love your mom....

hey maybe your 2 minute loving making and toddler sized penis.... is the hottness... look at you, got stalkers and stuff.

indigo said...

awww, i've never had a stalker! *pouts*

but i have been known to stalk... yea that was me in ur bushes... so?

kilax said...

You are hilarious! I found a link to your page on kapgar.com, and will definetely be coming back for more!

P.S. You must be hot shit with all those stalkers! Damn!

chele said...

I never understood taking time out of your life to "stalk" someone. It only happened to me once ... nothing serious just drving by at all hours, leaving notes on my car.

Carmell said...

i glad i don't know any real crazy bitches!! that is horrible!!! i prolly do know some just haven't heard the stries...i thought my sister was certifiable but nothing compared to your stories!;)

IsLifeLame said...

Man I had one that used to show up at the bar i used to frequent in hopes that I'd get so drunk I'd have no choice but to rekindle our lost affections. But raise your glass and give a cheers to really good friends who wouldn't let that happen! ...and the hot ass shooter girl that would take me home instead.

brooklyn babe said...

Damn Ike,
Lemme find out, chicks are sweating you for TWO minutes! Lol
I have never been the stalker type.
Tina just cuts ya.... lol

Later Babes, been gone for a minute, work calls, and personal goals on the plate.
Catch U...

Gotinha said...

Can I make a suggestion?!
wHY DON'T YOU TAKE A PIC OF YOUR FREEZER?!?
and send it to me..

Timmy said...

...'practice vagina': pure fucking gold!

Meka said...

"but being classified as a stalker ranks up there with having an animal porn fetish or being a black republican"

I had to laugh out loud at that one. Good post!

josie said...

well for a guy that states his loving making is in 2mins and is hung like a toddler, you got alot of stalkers. so you got to be doing something right in that 2mins

twin said...

i had two stalkers in my life so I feel you

Reddy said...

Too funny and scary too.. Never been stalked, nor have i been a stalker but I hope one of my friends loves me enough to slap the shit outta me if I ever ever ever slip off the deep end and go down that road. Thats just kraziness..

lol @ your Mommy.. Gotta love those classic momma comments.

J M Hoffman said...

How you thought my blog was even worth looking at when you can write stuff like this I'll never know (Though I've got a suspicion it might be all the Bush hating I do which I hear is getting popular these days)

Thanks for stopping by and for writing a really incredible blog, I've never linked another blog before, but I think after seeing this one I'll try to figure out how, fail, try something different, curse in a long-forgotten tongue, and then forget about it and go to bed.

Rose said...

That was too funny....I have only been stalked once and he was 40 and I was twenty. He looked young and lied about his age and when I found out the truth I dumped him...everywhere I went he was there...it was scary until I told him that I was going to tell my father, brothers and the police....

Mahogany Elle said...

this is hilarious, as usual. Oh... I sooo love this blog :)

Neil said...

I hope you learned your lesson with that low-rent Lisa Bonet. Any woman who says she's taken a "vow of chastity" is a stalker in the making.