Tuesday, November 08, 2005

That's why you don't answer calls marked "Private"(My Diary-style rant)

A funny thing happened to me yesterday as I listened to random Hip Hop tunes, worked on my book, and played Madden 06' on PlayStation(I'm a multi-tasker), I got a call from a "private" number. One to screen calls like a motherfucker, I avoid calls marked private primarily because they are telemarketers, just plain bad news if you ask me. But recently, and I don't know why, my sister who lives in Scranton Pa has been calling and for some reason her number has came up "private", so as I looked at the phone and figured I'd take a gamble. I picked it up and heard a familiar voice on the other end, a woman that I have dated off and on for a while. Listen, I won't bash her, and I was a bona fide asshole through our tenure together, but I think me meeting her right after a break up and me not really ever being seriously into her led to my indifference somewhat.

Anyway, I knew what she was going to say before she opened her mouth. See, I had gotten a very cryptic message from her saying something like, "Hey HumanityCritic, I have to give it to you, you were right about something that you said a while ago. Call me back!!" Since we hadn't spoken in a while, and our last few conversations have been "strained" to say the least, I felt a backhanded compliment directed at yours truly. After a few pleasantries she said, "You were right about something that you told me, you WERE a cancer and I have been so happier without you."

Here is a little background on the "Cancer" comment: See, I wasn't right for her, I didn't feel about her the way she felt about me, so I just thought she should stop wasting her time with me and move on. I think she is a great person, and nothing would make me happier than her leaving my black ass alone and finding her soul-mate, I mean that. Anyway, I told her that I was a "cancer" in her life and that she should move on..

But to be honest, I wasn't mad at the fact that she called me to gloat about her new relationship and her new found happiness, I'm happy for her and I would hope that me telling her "You need to move on" would be taken literally. If she would have, in an original fashion, broke down the intricate ways I was a miserable bastard, I would have let her vent and taken the verbal onslaught without future reciprocity. The problem that I had was that it sounded rehearsed and contrived, that was evident from the call that I got a few days earlier preparing me for said call. Also its like she had a meeting with a rat-pack of other unoriginal wenches, hired bitter ass tacticians who had blueprints made up of how the call would go, just in the hopes that their "A-Team" type plan would result in simply "feeling better".

Here is the part that I don't get, and if this sounds harsh and pisses off my female readers who have dealt with assholes like myself, then I am sorry. But, besides letting that unoriginal rehearsed diatribe out, she said what she said like it would hurt my feelings. Not to be a prick, but don't you think me telling you to move on, not calling you, not taking your calls, feeling indifferent about you the same way a person would feel about random cheeses, and talking about meeting someone new would indicate one important factor in this whole equation: That I'm an asshole, and seriously I could care less.

In closing, when you say that I'm an "asshole" I have to raise a glass to you, and toast you with those who say that the "sky is blue", "Michael Jordan is the best basketball player ever", "Milk comes from cows", and other groundbreaking "thinkers" who have the unique ability of stating the fucking obvious.(Take a bow, Jackass..)But the good thing about this is that I know from now on that the calls marked "Private" will be from my sister, and not from someone who needs a script to go by to tell somebody off. So good luck to you, sincerely, as I hang with a woman that unbelievably doesn't mind my pre-ejaculatory habits, and considers my "Cancer" to be in remission.(But who knows how long she will go being unsatisfied)

22 comments:

IsLifeLame said...

Maybe her shrink put her up to it. Like to start the healing process or some shit like that.

msjaim said...

That was pretty wack.. shes still hurting. When ur really over someone, u could care so less about them , that u would actually pass up calling them telling them that ur over them.. wack.. but then thats JMO

glory said...

dude it wasn't about you. she just wanted to have her last word. even if that meant stating the obvious to an indifferent audience.

kevfan said...

Fuuuuck thaaaaat.(sorry) Nothing wrong with stating how you feel. The wack part was her scripted ass drivel, you were honest and told her that you weren't the one for her. But, again you have balls man, because you knew that bitter chicks from around the globe will come out and criticize...lol

LovelyMonAmi said...

You are too funny, and so right. You have made yourself clear, so therefore, what part of go away did she not understand?

chele said...

My sister used to be like that ... always saying "I want him to know how I feel!" My response is, "he doesn't care so why bother?" Maybe now ol girl can move on. What do you want to bet she spends quite a few nights telling her new guy about you? Won't be long before he becomes a cancer too.

Nova said...

I find it kind of amusing that she went through this trouble. Seems to me that she just couldn't stand not having had the last word in the situation.

Miz JJ said...

That right there is why I never answer a number I do not recognize. You should have hung up on her ass.

Brother OMi said...

i feel you man.. that was wack

my ex-fiancee played me lovely. i am happily married now, i am NOT trying to call her and flip like that.

thats life, keep it moving. thats what she should have done

Brother OMi said...

then again, i can be an insensitive dude. so what do i know?

ManNMotion said...

Yeah man, that's one of the categories of calls we get. The one that say's "I'm in a new relationship now blah blah nyah nyah." Then there's the other one where they call to talk but at some point get around to, "so, are you dating anyone?" I'm sure, as me, we are equally transparent in our own ways.

elvira black said...

These are kind of women the book "He's Just not that Into You" were written for.

ShellyP said...

Yeah, I'm sure she said that cause she thought it would bother you, revenge of sorts. She has issues. And her girls should have told her not to call you.

kozmic_cocoa said...

I think she just needed to get it out. Sometimes it feels so good to tell off someone who hurt you. It may have been trite, but it was something she needed to do.

~b*b~ said...

my moms always said, "silence speaks volumes" and that is my break-up motto.

women - read and learn. hc isn't an asshole he is representative of how most men think.

mcnappy said...

wow. let me get this straight. she calls you up out of the blue after a failed relationship to tell you how happy she is, even though she knows you well enough to know you could give a rat's ass. then she visits your blog to SEE IF YOU WOULD WRITE ABOUT IT, so she could respond with a novella about how you suck, trying to seem like she's above it all in one breathe while talking smack about your sexual prowess in the next...and you already mention that shit 3 times a post-it's not news. then, she has the nerve to end with "god bless"? someone who's her true friend should point out the opposite of love is indifference, not let-call-him-and-talk-smack-and-then-write-shit-on-his-blog-because-it's-part-of-my-evil-plan. if you're happy, go be happy, you headcase.

Candace said...

LOL I read that too, that trick needs a life but you were right to erase her dumbs ass comment. My thing is this, if you were wack in the sack then why did her raggedy ass chase you around for years?? We all know you're a stallion in the bed HC, fuck all that!! lol

indigo said...

not all milk is from cows.

i never answer calls from calls marked 'private' or 'unknown'

i'm far too paranoid for that...

Breez said...

What's funny is that if she were really "over you" you wouldn't have gotten a call in the first place. I've never been one to buy into that "closure" bullshit. When it's done, it's done. No speech necessary.

mai said...

i hate when people do that. and like glory said, it wasn't anything to do with you. she just needed to say that shit to you, for whatever reason.

that poor thing. i guess she must be really happy to call up an ex out of the blue just to criticize and gloat - pfft. sounds like nirvana to me.

Girl With An Alibi said...

I'm proud to say that I've never made a call like that. Not that I haven't tried. But I either forget what the hell I was gonna say. Or I end up feeling guilty about almost saying something harsh. Either way I'd end up hanging up.

But it does make for a funny post!

jameil1922 said...

comedy! I always answer "private" calls. It often leads to something funny. Like the girl who called me to tell me I should stop dating her baby's dad b/c they were getting back together. And then a week later he calls me like everything's all good. Wow. Get that together. I was just so shocked I didn't know what to say. But really how attached can I be to a guy that I've known for 2 weeks? Booooooooo. Comedy.