Monday, January 16, 2006

A Complete Idiots Guide to Having a Black friend


(This is something I wrote about a year ago, so in Honor of the Martin Luther King holiday I thought I would repost it, plus I have a sneaking suspicion that it's my most popular entry thus far.) I kept wanting to tinker with it, but I'll leave it as is..)

I know that I give my republican friend Danny an ample amount of shit concerning his politics and some of his idiosyncrasies, but I have to give him credit today. During the tenure of our friendship he has said some incredibly dumb things, but none of those things had anything to do with race or stereotypes so I appreciate that fact. I know that anybody, black or white, who doesn't have experience being around someone of another race may have certain misconceptions, but for Christs sake it is 2005 man! Through my personal experience of encountering specific idiocy, I created a guide to anyone you know who is racially challenged.

1)Not a compliment Part 1: I can't tell you how many times I have heard, "You are pretty cool for a black guy!". What in the fuck does that mean exactly? So you are telling me that the entire race that I belong to is virtually worthless and I am the only motherfucker that you have ever found cool?? How despicable. Granted, I haven't heard this recently but I heard this a lot as a kid.

2)Not a compliment Part 2: I know Chris Rock covered this but it is so very true, when people say "You are so well spoken!" that has to be the most offensive shit ever. What did you expect to come out of my mouth exactly? Did you think I would carry on like Mush-mouth from Fat Albert and shit?? Thats what happens when people get their concept of what black folks are from music videos.

3)"Talking Black": I have actually had people of other races say "You talk white", which is offensive when it comes out of the mouths of black folks as well. Let me break this down for the black folks that have involved themselves in this idiocy of "talking black" also. OK, Arthur Ashe, to many people of the douchebag variety "talked white", but his activism and his love for black culture made him "blacker" than Jay-Z or any garden variety asshole who you feel is "black" today. Matter of fact, I want to systematically assassinate any black person who involves themselves in this bullshit argument. To measure blackness based on your colloquialism is downright foolishness, and if you do that then your sorry ass better watch less B.E.T

4)My Hair Part 1: How many years have dreadlocks been part of popular culture?? Millions of people know who Bob Marley is right? OK, so why do many people say, "Oh, I absolutely love your braids!!" Stevie Wonder had braids during the 70's, I think that fruity ass Leroy from "Fame" had braids during that show, what I have is not braids goddammit!! But black folks do the same shit, and I hate to be such a hard ass but motherfucker you should know better.

5)My Hair Part 2:(This goes to black folks as well) When did it become OK for a total stranger to come up to you and pull your hair? Never you say? Great, that doesn't give you the license to touch, pull, tug, or stroke someone's hair simply because they have dreadlocks. If you want to feel my hair or touch it, especially if you are a prime piece of ass, simply ask first. But remember, I am not a fucking puppy! I can't tell you how many times I had to curse someone the fuck out simply because they pulled my hair randomly.

6)Blacks hate Bush: Granted, there is a despicable group of black Americans who like Bush, but those are self hating fuckers and they are not to be trusted any way. I can't tell you how many white women I have encountered, that date black men, who are far right wing republicans. I always want to tell them, "You didn't get the memo?? You gotta read that dude's instructional manual, he hates Bush Are you sure you didn't get the handbook?" People can believe in any political Ideology they want, I just find it kind of strange that's all.

7)I am not your bodyguard!: Why do people think that all black folks can fight? The other day, after hearing Danny's Death Metal band perform(torture), we all went to have a few drinks. I sort of know his band-mates, and when they had some words with a drunken patron one of Danny's band-mates said, "We will be OK, HumanityCritic has our back!" What motherfucker?? I barely know you, for all you know I could be a punk. I can't front though Danny does the same thing, he gets what I call "Urban Courage" when I am around but I let it pass because he has actually seen me knock dudes out.

8)Racist Teacher: I know that this doesn't exactly fit on this list so excuse my rant. My old man was absolutely conflicted. He was born in 1937 in Sumter South Carolina, so he saw real racism, not that "I can't get a cab shit" as Chris Rock so eloquently put it. He was witness to "Whites only" establishments and saw people lynched for Christs sake. He was conflicted because he spent 30 years in the Navy and had many great experiences with people of all races, so he battled the bad experiences with the good constantly. There is one lesson that he taught me early on that was pretty much prophetic. When I was in grade school he said, "There will be teachers that will say "HC, you got a C, very good!" and that same teacher will go to another student and say, "Bobby, you got a B, you can do much better". Don't fall for that shit!" I have issues with my old man till this day, but boy was he right.

9)The "N" Word: I wont get into any lengthy analytical discussions about the history of the "N" word or anything, I will just address it very simply. Black folks shouldn't even say the word, but at no point should anyone of any other race ever call me that. The most idiotic argument I hear is, "But why can't I say it?" But my question is, "Motherfucker, why would you want to say it??" All groups call themselves terms of endearment that are only cool in their specific circles, but if someone outside their circle says it then there is trouble. I have two friends, one Mexican and one Puertorican, who call themselves Latin slurs all the time. I know better than to utter the same slurs their way. Two women I know call each other "bitches", but I would never call them that. It is that simple.

10)Idiotic Questions: When someone would ask me something idiotic I used to brush it off and say, "They just don't know better" But goddammit, it's 2005 for Christs sake, no more excuses. If you have to ask a black person "Does your hair get wet?" or "Do you wash your dreadlocks?", something is seriously wrong with you and it makes me want to put on steel toe boots and kick you dead in the motherfucking chest.(I won't harm you though) I was watching 60 Minutes a while back and something disturbed me. You know that old fuck Andy Rooney, who does a editorial at the end of each show, well he said something like "Why do they have to have "B.E.T"? Why do they have to have a "Miss Black America"? If white people had these things Jesse Jackson and every black group would cause a fuss" Mr. Rooney, let me first say "Fuck you"! That being said, what about the years where black folks were excluded from programming altogether, or the vast amount of stations that don't represent black folks as a whole. I object to B.E.T's programming, but to bitch about the name of said network is pretty idiotic.

41 comments:

josie said...

yea, i remembering read this post. nah man, dont change it. it good just so. i have encounter some people, well just one guy particularly addressing him as the n word. he was east indian descent. i had to ask him who he thought he was kidding.

Miss Ahmad said...

this is indeed a classic although I didn't catch it the first time around.

I worked on a tv show about race relations over the summer that deals with most if not all of these topics, it's amazing to me how very ignorant so many people on the topic of us black folks!

alice said...

RE: number 10. Andy Rooney is an utter and complete unfunny asshole. If and when I watch 60 Minutes, I always turn it off before that whiny idiot starts in on something inane. As far as addressing serious issues such as why there may need or may have needed to be programs or stations targeting certain groups, perhaps Mr. Rooney (bless his heart) should simply not try to over-exert his feeble mind.

Elizabeth said...

I get people pulling my hair if I leave in natural and saying the most annoying thing ever… is goes like this ‘dooiiinng’. MOTHERFUCKERDON’TTOUCH ME!
Also- it is NOT O.K. to touch pregnant women without asking.
It is not O.K. to rub yourself on people as you pass them in a club. Expect to be hit in the mouth if you try to grab my ass while in a crowded club. I am small, I have a vagina, I am white, I look younger than I am, but I fight dirty and I will swing on a motherfucker. Don’t get it twisted.

Also, people tell me that I am “smart for a woman”, “smarter than I expected” and forever ever asking me why I am not smiling. Do you smile all day every day? “Gurl, why you looking so mean?” BECAUSEIFUCKINGHATE YOU! Or “How do you know so much about ______?” Oh, I guess petite attractive (if I do say so myself) women only know about giving head and giggling. Let me spit this cum out my mouth and get back to you…

In 7th grade, I went to get tutored in math. My teacher told me that I couldn’t learn math because girls just aren’t good at it. He told me that I would marry someone who would take care of it for me and as long as I quit mouthing off in class I would pass. HOW DO YOU LIKE MY MASTER’S DEGREE IN MULTIVARIATE STATISTICS? It took me forever though, to get over my fear of math. I fell way behind for years.

Also- I saw a documentary on the shelf the other day called “Gay Republicans” – What? – I have to Netflick that shit- I just don’t get it at all.

Never call a woman you don’t know “honey” ,“baby”, “sweetheart”- It is degrading, if you don’t understand why- just take my word for it. Also NEVER call a woman a “smart cookie”. It is infuriating. Would you EVER call a man a ‘smart cookie’?

Alright- enough- I will put the rest on my own blo

piranha said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
piranha said...

yeah i remember that post and it still kicks ass it s funny and in teh same time it s good valuable stuff to be said.
let me tell you though one thing that i realized after having spent like four months here in god bless america ;-) for some reason (and i can't grasp it because i am not from here) it happened to my sister multiple of times that whenever she got into a big argument with a black person at some point this person would say 'aww thats because i am black, right,...blabla' accusing her of racism. she is like fuck give me a break, can i just have an argument with a PERSON? but to be fair, she is a bitch, so i don't know she might come across like offensive and shit, but i guess for historical reasons a lot of people still get back to this kind of argument to back themselves up (my sis thinks it s mostly true for african americans and jews)
i don't know, at some point we all together have to learn from the past and then let it go...don't you think so???
oh yes, and M.L.K RIP
you know i think the whole communication problems on this world no matter whether between people, races or social classes, whatever! -
it s like swimming against a stream....you never give up. or you drift back. the same with houses, by the way i just figured. you can have a house but it only becomes a REAL home when you p ut continuous effort in making it such. cleaning, making it cosy, beautiful all that....

MEP said...

Hehe, I remember that post when you first wrote it - great stuff. More White people should read it and think, "damn, do I do that shit?" I always get mad when people say stupid shit like, "you're boyfriend doesn't really talk like a Black person though." or "Oh, your boyfriend doesn't actually look black, more mixed." Like I'm supposed to be RELIEVED or something. *sigh* People are dumb.

The Future said...

You are so correct on all these issues, at some point or time I have blogged about similar experiences, but obviously not with the same eloquence as you. You have a great blog.

Charles G said...

Wow! Pretty powerful stuff!

Rose said...

You are right this is classic. It still happens today. You took the words right outta my mouth.

Lene said...

i really do love this post. it's so true on so many levels. i did slap someone for putting their hands in my hair too...

nosthegametoo said...

Classic and hilarious. I'm glad I found your site.

**RPM** said...

My personal favorite is being expected to only enjoy R&B and Hip Hop...because you're black.

Icey said...

Man, I will contribute to the printing and distribution of this Guide! It should be free to the masses!

Though I only use it for showing off purposes to people who think they are smarter than me, I have an extensive vocabulary. I love when I get a blank stare or the surprise I know those words AND used them correctly stare from the 'smart' people.

Oh and speaking black (whatever that means) is not a compliment...ever!

Classic post man

Accomplice said...

i get asked black questions at work all the time by white women who think they are cool enough to ask. it always starts off like i don't mean to be offensive.., but of course sometimes it is.

do you wash your hair? i like your braids? sometimes people should just keep their mouths shut! lol

Reese The Law Girl said...

Funny stuff!

I have to agree with the "talking white" thing. As a kid I always got the "why you talkin' white?" from black people and the "wow, you're so articuluate" from white people.

If I hadn't been raised properly, those questions would have followed by a bitch-slap across the face. But then I would get the, "have you lost your damn mind?" from my mother and I would be the one in trouble.

It's hard being black sometimes. ;)

Girlfriend A said...

How long have you been growing your braids---IDIOTS. I feel you on that HC you know I do maan!

britishdevil said...

I definitely agree with you on these issues. People really don't know when to shut their mouths. I can relate with point 3. People used to tell me i talked "white" all the time. I used to just look at them like they had two heads or something. So what because i'm black i'm supposed talk like " yes massa i go pick the cotton now"? WTF???

mai said...

OMG i just had someone ask me for BLACK OPINION on Mayor Ray Nagin's recent statements.

I wanted to throw dude out the freakin' window.

Suddenly, I'm the voice of my people out this piece. Any other time, they don't want to hear my name, let alone my opinion.

AngieMD2007 said...

love your post. it goes to show that most people just don't think and speak at the same time.

i get "you can't be all black because black women just don't have hair that long". ok, how many of us in the United States are ALL black? and what does that matter? hair length? come on now, black is black. leave it at that.

or i get, "wow, you're pretty AND smart". huh?? why, is that a problem? i wasn't there when God was handing out the blessing, so i didn't ask for what i got.

Beauty said...

EXCELLENT POST!!!! "HC, has our back" I'm in STITCHES!!!!

FUnkee said...

Yeah this post tops the funeralic frolickin :) hehhehe

LOVE IT!

Miz JJ said...

Great post. All black people have gone through this crap. You should check out damali ayo (http://www.rent-a-negro.com/books/pages/How%20to%20Rent.htm). She wrote this hilarious satire how to rent-a-negro. I bought a t-shirt off her site that says Touch your own hair". People are so offended that you don't want their dirty fingers up in your hair. My braids are clean, I wash the same way you wash your hair and I don't want your nasty fingers touching them!

Oliviasmommi said...

I think about the only thing more ignorant and hilarious than white people asking black people 101 things about being black, are the white people that have asked me things about "blackness"...and I am white! I think people think that because I have dated black men and because I have 2 bi-racial children that somehow I am the "go-to" person for all questions on the african american race. But deeper than that, I think they think it is "safer" to ask me the questions they have always wondered about but were too afraid to actually ask a black person.

When I left my son's father 12 years ago, my stepfather and I went together to get my things and loaded everything into a U-Haul we had rented. While we were in the house packing, my ex was blasting some pitiful excuse for hip-hop that was quite explicit. (Now that I think back, I think it was Spice1, but I digress...) We drove the whole 3 hour ride home with very little being said, but when we arrived home, my step-father decided to ask me something I will never forget. He said, "How come is it OK for black people to say the "N" word over and over again in their music and to even call eachother the "N" word, but then they would get all bent out of shape when a white person would say the same thing?" And I just had to give him this deer in the headlights kind of look because I could not believe he was asking me such a stupid question...and I told him, "First of all, I am not the person you should be asking. I am not black. Why didn't you open your inquisitive mouth and ask this question when you were right up in the black man's house that was playing the music in question?" And, I do not recall if he even answered me, but I did not need an answer to know it was because he was scared he would have gotten his ass handed to him!

But on a lighter note, the funniest question I have ever been asked is from white women wanting to know, "Is the myth true?" LOL...the looks on their faces are priceless when they lean in waiting to hear the juicy details...

CaffeineDiva said...

I did a 1-10 rant about Myths and Stereotypes a few days ago on my blog (http://noimpulsecontrol.blogspot.com/). I love your post!

Marie Antoinette said...

It's really sad how pissed off some people get about not being allowed to say the N-word. Did I say 'sad'? I meant 'infuriating.'

Kenya said...

I'm 150% feeling you on the "talk white" thing. People say that to me all the time and it pisses me the fuck off. Since when is it "talking white" to speak proper english. Excuse the fuck out of me for having a fucking vocabulary and a little education. Okay, enough ranting.

aquababie said...

excellent post! my first time visiting your blog. i know how you feel, especially about the hair.

Rachel S said...

Sounds very similar to the women who wrote "How to Rent a Negro." Humorous, but definitely indicative of the profound effects of segregation.

I am Jack said...

I was going to say the same thing but this is much better in my honest opinion. You summed it right up in a pretty short post(for you), and you did it relating to your life. So, even though there are things like Rent a Negro and "Black people like us", this is not only a funny post, but also inciteful and real.

Lastly, this is an extremely old post...

TRUTHZ said...

okay first time reading you and you are hilarious!!!! i am feeling you.. esp. abt the grades and washing hair...okay all of it. since i am of the darker hue, white people used to come up and rub my skin and i used to calmly tell them that it didn't come off.. people can be retarded... oh, and just because you know a few blacks don't mean you not a racist...

~Manda said...

lol love this post! this should be copied, handed out and posted everywhere! LOL ;) i can't even express how much i agree with elizabeth and the points that she made in her comment! i ALWAYS get that "why don't you smile for a change" or "why you mean muggin" lol appearently i do this with out knowing...
ANYWAY:
i don't know how i ended up the way i am.. but my family might as well have white sheets in their closets cause MOST of em, use the N word ALL THE EFFIN TIME! and EVEN my lil cousin who is dating a black boy right now... has the nerve to call latino people wet backs and sh!t... im like UM don't you get all pissed off when your mom says that same type of sh!t about your man? SAME thing.. you might as well call your man a N and get it over with cause it's the SAAAAAAAMME Thing!

i just don't see how people can have so much ignorance and HATE in their hearts for PEOPLE they don't even KNOW!!!! never once have i looked a person of another race and been like... OMG your ________ fill in the blank.
that's just not me! the subject has been on my mind lately with MLK, jr day and all... it's like i can't tell you how many times i heard "Thank the BLACK people for our day off"... and "Happy Ngr day to you" and all this IGNORANT sh!t!!!! ugh... it's SAD cause your right it's 2006 people should be OVER IT! People are People... no matter what COLOR your skin.. DUH!

A~

Brando said...

Good stuff, HC, and it should be required reading for my fellow Caucasians.

I have never understood the "famous person who is the same race as you did/said/snorted something he/she shouldn't have, so what do you think?" It would be like someone asking me my opinion every time Bush does something stupid (which would make every day a press conference).

lizard said...

it's too bad the sort of folks who *really* need to read this, generally won't. they tend to revel in their ignorance, which isn't just ignorance, it's generally hopeful, *well intentioned* ignorance -- like they might get extra points for "showing interest in blackness" or "being willing to learn" or somesuch.

i've asked my share of well-intentioned stupid questions in my time, though, so i have no room to fingerpoint on this at all.

Coffey0072 said...

Hahaha,
this is still one of my favorite posts. :)

Supa said...

first time reading this, HC! thanks for blessing those of us who wasn't knowin'...

e M I A 6 said...

good post. came across it from Jerome-Betta than Urs. I would have to nod in agreeance with just about everything you said. I liked how you handled that N- word..."Why would you want to say it?" I never thought of that one?

August said...

I'm late but you know I'll never stop dippin in. I'm so with you on this. Keep it up. On dafirm, I just dropped a post with similar sentiments about the "N" word. Nice to see I'm in good company.

Richard said...

Andy Rooney is an unfunny, dusty old fuck.

jameil1922 said...

i had to explain to some white bitch at work why you can never call a black man a boy. do you know this bitch had the nerve to say, "why? i don't care if you call me a girl." what the fuck?!! look, do i tell you what to call fat white bitches? then don't tell 2 black men and a black woman what to call a black man. stupid bitch.

and i don't like fuckers touching my hair either. this dude asked if he could touch it. he was cute so i said yes. do you know this fool ran his fingers through my hair like we were layin in bed together. the shit gave me a chill. whoa. definitely was out the running with that one. nasty ass. don't get carried away. i am known for running my fingers thru locks like that tho lolol but i've never had any complaints.

and i really get sick of white people at work turning to me everytime one of the black steelers can string more than 5 coherent words together and saying, "he's so well-spoken." what the f*** is that supposed to mean? i mean i know he's a football player and all, but what the hell would you say about roethlisberger if he said the same thing? nothing. (btw they HATE him for showing the world white trash lolololololol)

mikvance said...

I love this post! Amazing and so true, but BET is a fucking disgrace to blacks the world over.