Wednesday, January 25, 2006

HumanityCritic's Singles Ad

SBM, 32, non-smoker(of cigarettes), brown eyes, dreadlocks, emotionally unavailable, loves movies, writing, masturbation, and sometimes hitting rowdy gentlemen in the throat until it's hard for those fuckers to breath. Seeking easygoing, Intelligent, funny, loyal woman to possibly make me see the light and burn my historic porn collection. Second thought, can we burn one at a time? A brother can't just go cold turkey, right?

Being a single 32 year old man is one of the hardest things in the world in my opinion, outside of terminal illness, a physical handicap, and being a Kobe Bryant fan. I'm at a weird age where I'm not exactly a spring chicken, but then again I am far from being that crazy old bastard who lives in the beat up house on the corner that's full of cats. I know that many of the women who read my blog are well rounded ladies, who don't fall under any of the evil generalizations that I'm about to give. That being said, the landscape of options for a fellow in my predicament are as scary as Mary J. Blige without her make-up on. I mean, younger women are great, their exuberant energy can possibly invoke a few extra seconds out of the ole "pleasure shaft" to be totally honest. The downside, even though many younger women have a wisdom beyond their years, is the fear that right when you start to fall in love with their ass they will move on, tired of my "Hip Hop was better in my day" bullshit. I have my own past that haunts me so I'm not one to talk, but dating women my age is difficult because many of them have so many bad experiences that they carry so much shit with them that you think that they are a fucking baggage handler. So anything you do wrong is equated to, "I knew you weren't shit!! You are just as bad as my baby daddy Ray-Ray!"

Older women are great, shit, I have a Frankie Beverly and Maze song on my Ipod as we speak! But the downside to dating older women is that they are painfully honest in what they want, and usually it's not to cuddle, so simply being used to "hump and shut the fuck up" is not on top of my list right about now. The ones that do find some emotional attachment to you tend to treat you like a fucking child, and I think having a bib put on me for Sunday breakfast after a night of swapping bodily fluids would simply freak me the fuck out.

But those are simply generalizations based on my personal experiences, that's all. I'm actually open to whoever might find themselves in my life, looks becoming less and less important as I get older and I recognize the value of someones personality and other non cosmetic traits.(I even contemplated dating a midget once, but had to be snapped back into reality when simple common sense set it. For starters we had nothing in common, also if I dated her it would be solely because she would make my penis seem bigger) But there are a few personality traits, based on who I am and the silly want ad that's at the beginning of this post, that a woman must have if I want to unfortunately brand her with the title of Mrs. Humanity F. Critic.

Easy-Going: If you haven't figured out by my constant "..and then I throat chopped that motherfucker" stories, I am easily excitable. Not only do I have the hyperactivity of a 5 year old on crack, my conversations sometimes piss people off because I will constantly change subjects akin to a Robin Williams stand-up routine. That being said, I already know that the woman that I intend to curse with lifelong pre-ejaculatory rituals has to be a very calming, easy going soul. Someone who could quickly diffuse my temper with a simple grin, making me embarrassingly back down from possibly wanting to beat some preacher who inappropriately called me a sinner in church that day. The last thing I need is someone who condones violence and gets off on it, like a woman named Rosa that I dated a while back. She would literally incite altercations where I would throat-chop some asshole and afterwords she would get so excited that we would have a hard time making home that night without me filling her out like an application. I quickly learned my lesson when she started shit with the wrong dude and I stepped up, about to beat him into submission. Turns out that he was an off-duty cop, surrounded by about 6 other off-duty cops, and they were intent to show me the directors cut of the Rodney King tape up close and personal. I miss Rosa, I wish she would return my calls, but I guess the image of a drunk grown man running for his life isn't the sexiest image a gal could have.

Intelligent: Do you want to know what's worse than a stupid person, a stupid person who is convinced that their smart. I'm not saying that I want a Rhodes Scholar, a woman who's habits include rocket science or some other brilliant skill that I can't wrap my feeble mind around, just some one with a respectable amount of intellect. Don't we all have that friend who constantly says untrue and silly things like they are the gospel, leaving you and your other friends looking at each other in that "what in the fuck are they talking about" face? Well, my goal is to not have one of those people be my future wife, that's all. I once dated a woman who didn't know who the president was, in a conversation revealed she didn't know who shot JFK, asked me what Harriet Tubman did, and looked at me like a deer in headlights when I mentioned Run D.M.C.(The bar isn't set that fucking high people!!) Granted, there are some benefits to dating women who are cerebrally challenged, but since my days of playing Russian roulette with my cock are over that isn't an option anymore. Besides I have a very bad habit of talking to people like they are stupid anyway, a habit that I am desperately trying to break, so I would want a wife with a respectable amount of intellect so I won't make a mistake and talk my way out of some drawers.

Funny: If I could give anyone some real advice, I would say to never alter your personality to suit anyone. Never. I have found myself toning down my language and what I thought was funny just to appease someone I really liked, to make them feel comfortable. Not any more, fuck that, you knew who you were dealing with when I told you those "I once fucked a girl at a wake" and "Oh Yeah, I almost set a guy on fire" stories, so excuse me if I don't tone it down when I see you squint each time I say "motherfucker", call my friend "a catcher" who weirdly likes to tell a story of getting raped in jail, and asking him if the guy had the decency to give him a "reach around". I'm not saying that whoever I get with has to keep me in stitches like Ike Turner, but at least have the ability to laugh and make light of most things. I've dealt with women as uptight as virginal female astronauts, and for a person who likes to be as blue as smurf testicles, it can be an uncomfortable situation.

Loyal: I know this is going to sound weird coming for a guy who once dated 2 women at the same time, not only knowing that they worked at the same department store but the same specific department, but loyalty is a big thing with me. I also had to admit something to myself recently, I'm one jealous motherfucker. Not jealous in a "let me follow you around and show stalker tendencies" kind of way, but a way where the thought of her cheating will run through my mind even if she is 10 minutes late for dinner and shit. It's so bad with me that my ex girlfriend, someone who was loyal to me as far as I know, was doomed for failure from the beginning because I would always quickly see her put away her cell phone any time I re-entered a room. From that point on, right or wrong, that relationship was put on auto-pilot due to my trust issues. Once I find a woman who I would lie in court for, I know that I have a woman that I would love for the rest of my life.

16 comments:

Breez said...

Being single after 28 kinda sucks across the board, but I see your point and sympathize. The other day I considered adopting this adorable tabby kitten. I'm beginning to scare myself.

SmartBlkWoman said...

Ooooooooh, you sound so adorable. I think that as men get older, fortunately they start to make more and more sense. Its as if craziness is this thing that they have to get out of their system.

The women for you is out there and she is probably looking for you harder than your looking for her. The pickings of quality men is pretty slim for me now and I'm 22. The thought of what things will be like when I'm 32 is scary. Real Scary.

chele said...

As an older woman, I have to say that your assessment is close to correct.

Your personal ad implies that a woman can actually change a man ... I'm not sure I believe that. How many have unsuccessfully tried to change you?

SP said...

"Once I find a woman who I would lie in court for, I know that I have a woman that I would love for the rest of my life."

Awwww...

Reese The Law Girl said...

Wow, Chele had a good point. I didn't even catch that...

I ditto everything that all the other women have said. It's funny though, because I hear women and men talk about the slim pickings. Why don't these people just get together? They all seem to be looking for the same thing- a quality mate.

Of course, I'm also one of these, people so I'm one to talk. But, still, it's amazing that it's so hard to find a like-minded partner in crime.

rasx() said...

I roll with about six years on you and am out of the dating game about to get married. Dig: you got a population of women in your local area that is optimized to deal with two kinds of people: predators and dependents.

Keep that shit in mind when you want to present yourself as someone other than a predator or dependent. Habits are stronger than "love."

Miss Ahmad said...

well the good news is you are seemingly intelligent and come across as mostly playful.

being single is a luxury you happen to be able to afford right now.

think of it that way:-)

Kathryn said...

Sometimes younger women have the same feelings as older women do. What a shock to the system that can be if you ever experience that, lol.

Supa said...

lmao @ "Hump and shut the fuck up!" Belongs on a T-shirt.

Love, marriage, babies - I've been there, done that. Severely overated, especially for us ADHD/artistic types... Don't say I didn't warn you, HC....

Jumper Bailey said...

"Being a single 32 year old man is one of the hardest things in the world in my opinion, outside of terminal illness, a physical handicap, and being a Kobe Bryant fan."

Ah, but being a single 40 year old man is one of the sweetest things in the world, outside of leaving your socks and underwear where you dropped them, parking irresponsibly, and sleeping in on weekdays.

VAN007 said...

I look at it like this.... I am single right now for a reason. Do I understand why? No, of course not, but I say go with the flow and focus on you and the right person will come along. Who knows she might already be in your life. You don't know what tomorrow, next week or next year will bring you so be thankful for the future and what that will bring you. That thought keeps a smile on my face.

glory said...

don't date again til you can get that jealousy thing under control. thanks. :-)

Icey said...

"pleasure shaft" SMDH!!

Being single is UNDERRATED!

Georgiapeach said...

I listen to classic R & B such as Frankie Beverly and Maze all the time and I am 23 years old.
Let me finish reading.

Georgiapeach said...

Good post. You don't ask for much.
But I am thinking that you might want to get a woman that is pretty inexperienced in the bedroom. She might be more inclined to work with you. Maybe a 28 year old virgin? They exist, you know. The only thing is, she will be very coo coo and slightly stalkerish. But you enjoy attention right?

*I am such an ass today*..lol.

I have never been single, and that's terrible. Would I like to know how it feels, yes. That way I wouldn't always be on the lookout for the white van. What's the white van? It's filled with a camera crew and a host, better known as the television show Cheaters..lol.

I would date you because currently I have a few positions available. However, you would have to learn to keep most of your opinions to yourself and enjoy the beautiful sounds of SWV, Chante Moore and my favorite Project Pat. Are you into domination? You seem like that type that is in need of a good spanking. As far as the jealousy issues, that would be so very obsolete, I don't mind my man having sex with other women as long as I can watch. As far as loyalty goes, you will obey Mistress Brandy and not the other way around.

Inside Man said...
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