Monday, January 02, 2006

New Years Resolutions

The other day, as I was about to pummel a lesbian into submission, I realized that it was time for my black ass to make a few New Years Resolutions. Let me explain: While I was waiting in line to purchase some extremely overpriced clothing, clothing that I thought would accentuate my chubby features to would-be female companions, a young man cut in front of me and threw his clothes on the table and said in a very rough voice, "I'm next motherfucker!!" As my temperature started to rise, I calmly said, "No man, you saw me waiting here, I'm next" Ignoring my Gandhi-like reply, he gave me what most commonly know as the "Ice Grill".(definition: staring intensely, with extremely bad intentions) Right then and there I realized that I was about to beat a motherfucker bloody in a men's clothing store, but before I commenced on tattooing the bottom of my shell toe Adidas on this peasants dome, I figured that I would ask his age just in case this incident manifested itself in court one day. "How old are you?" I asked, then in a very deep voice he angrily answered "22 motherfucker!! What!!" OK, it was on, so I grabbed his sweatshirt with one hand and cocked my hand back ready to beat the brakes off of this jackass with the other. That's when I noticed something that I didn't notice in our previous 1 minute conversation, actually two things, a perky set of tits. "Wait a minute, you're a girl?" I asked, in which she gave me a very feminine sounding "Yes you asshole, can't you tell???!!" Noticing the fear in her eyes, and feeling the embarrassment of almost mistakenly introducing her face to the business end of my fist, I let her go and said, "This isn't a commentary on lesbianism, and I'm quite a tolerant individual, but I thought you were a god-damned man!!" So I paid for my things, apologized to the young lady in question for my actions, then made my way for the door. As I open the door on my way out I hear the young woman yell, in a very manly voice that somehow disappeared when I was about to punch her, "That's right motherfucker, you almost got fucked up!!" I shook my head, giggled and said, "I'd fuck you up, but I don't want people thinking that HumanityCritic engaged in a hate crime."(Here's a New Years Resolution, stop referencing myself in the third person and assuming that some imaginary mass of people read my flimsy blog)

Be less Violent: Listen, for anyone who has read my blog for a nanosecond will tell you, I have done my best to curb my violent tendencies over the past couple of years. I got a therapist, distanced myself from friends who openly enjoyed me knocking another person out, even learned breathing exercises invented for calming down the most violent of individuals. I know it doesn't seem like I have chilled out on the violence by reading my daily Internet ramblings, but compared to how I was 10 years ago, 8 years, I mean, 7 years, I mean..you get the picture. But throughout all my efforts my violent nature still gets the best of me at the most inopportune moments. Have any of you seen "The Bourne Identity"? Matt Damon's character starts off having amnesia, and when confronted with a physical altercation he defends himself in such an instinctual way without really thinking about it, he surprises himself at the skills he didn't know he had? Well, that's me..(Minus the crippling martial art knowledge) There has been a few situations this year where my mind didn't have time to rationally respond, my fists just took over. For example, I was in a bar two weeks back where I was having a decent conversation with some random jackass who just happened to stumble into my watering hole one weekday night. As he got drunker, more belligerent, he suddenly turned on me, getting in my face saying "You don't know shit!!" My mind was telling me, "HumanityCritic, he's drunk, just walk away!!", but my hands were telling me, "Put that motherfucker down now!!". Lets just say, after elbowing him in the chest and sweeping his feet from up under him, that my hands won that particular argument. Did I tell you the story where I almost fought a lesbian?

Find a wife: Woman who are around my age without any children might call for me to be publicly beheaded after reading what I'm about to say, but at the age of 32 I feel that my clock is ticking like a motherfucker. I know that I will be able to produce my sperm and spread my demon seed for the next 30 years and shit, but I'm not talking about that. I just feel that I am an absolute handful, I'm a argumentative black guy who rides a skateboard, has ADD, is a germaphobe, owns a library full of porn, writes in a blog, and has violent tendencies so historic in my area that my best friend could tell you a story how I almost lit a homophobic asshole on fire once. So excuse the fuck out of me if I feel that my soul-mate isn't out there, and if she is out there I feel that I have an extremely limited amount of time to find her. As much as Danny's marriage has hampered my ability to get drunk with my best friend as often as I would like, I admire and envy his family, and don't want to be 45 years old and a dude that Danny's wife still considers "Danny's single friend". Not only that, I'm getting carpal tunnel from all the "downshifting", so a wife would definitely help that particular problem. Besides, there has to be a better location for all the millions of would-be "HumanityCritic Jr's" than the place where they ultimately wind up.(OK, I won't go into detail about "sperm destination" in this post.)

Be less Germaphobic: Being that my self esteem is lower than midget doorknobs and openly admit that I "come" faster than a speeding bullet, you can believe me when I say that my germaphobia has been the reason why I haven't gotten more ass than a toilet seat this year. Listen, I'm glad that I'm safe concerning not wanting to catch any venereal diseases, but my paranoia has gotten so bad that I think that my next step will be having sex in a space suit. I talk a good game though, explicitly telling women that I know how I will "fold them up like origami" and try my best to reach their small intestines as a result of my severe pelvic thrusting, yeah, I can lay it on thick. But after refusing to drunkenly have sex with a Brazilian waitress in the back of her van, getting out of a fellatio session with a stripper who wanted to show me why they call her "Brainiac", or me not answering my door like a bitch when a female admirer came by to do more than cuddle, I'm all talk. Besides sex, there a few more germaphobic tendencies that I have, like I probably take one too many showers, secretly use handi-wipes after I shake anyones hand, can't use public pools, when I play team basketball I determine who I'm going to guard by "who sweats the least", and when we did a show in South Carolina some months back I wouldn't use the nasty toilet in the club so like a bear I took a shit in the woods. Nothing reminds you of your inappropriate quirks than getting a "what in the fuck do you think you're doing" look from a stray dog in the middle of late night defecation.

Stop giving people nicknames: As a man who had a bully as a father, and continuously tried to save students one nerd at a time from those who engaged in the art of ridicule during High School, I hate to think that my habit of giving people nicknames hurts them in any way. I don't do it with maliciousness or anything, but it usually ends up with them being extremely mad at me. For example, I went to college with a dude named Travis who is 7 foot 3. Since that time I called him "Circus Freak", not in public mind you, only when nobody was around and he didn't mind it in the least. That was until a few months ago when we were playing basketball at my local YMCA. What happened was we were on the same team and after I threw him like 5 alley-oops in a row, the last one where he dunked on 2 individuals, I screamed "Yeah Circus Freak, that's what I'm talking about!!" Since then, unfortunately, everyone at the YMCA calls him "Circus Freak", even though he has openly told them that he doesn't like it in the least. Even though I feel bad that his new moniker has caught on, I always laugh when he angrily looks at me after someone calls him "Circus freak".

The other person pissed off at me because of my nickname giving abilities is an elderly man named Victor. Victor is a dude that makes his home in a local bar that I go to, a very nice man, but he tends to think that he is the funniest motherfucker ever to roam the earth. Anyway, at one point I hadn't shaved in a month, so I walk in the bar with a black grizzly Adams beard and my extremely long dreadlocks. Victor got out of his chair, dropped to his knees and threw his hands up and screamed, "Black Jesus, you came back!!!" I laughed and proceeded to get a drink at the bar, where Victor proceeded to run that "black Jesus" joke in the fucking ground. For some reason I said, "Look Old Negro Spiritual, chill the fuck out!", and since then that nickname has stuck to him like Al Reynolds to Starr Jones' make-up kit. When people say, "Hey Old Negro Spiritual!", "Here's your tab Old Negro Spiritual!", or "What did you want to drink Old Negro Spiritual??" he looks at me and says, "Bastard!!"

Be less vocal: Like a person who quits smoking then all of a sudden sees themselves hooked on chocolate, my attempts at being non violent has resulted in my mouth spewing nothing but outright venom at times. Not only has my language gotten more colorful, I have openly expressed my contempt and public disgust at people who I feel have a horrible taste in politics, Hip Hop, or any other topic that I feel passionately about at the moment. Like the one time I was at a party and was discussing Hip Hop and the greatest MC's of all time. Some guy interrupted our conversation, and said "Rakim is garbage, straight garbage!" That's when I paused, noticed that he had a Ying Yang Twins T-shirt on and said, "Your opinion doesn't count.", then I physically turned him around and pushed him in the other direction and said "Go that way!!".(What can I say, I'm a music snob.) Or this one time when I was taking my mother out to eat one Sunday morning and some asshole was behind us honking his horn uncontrollably. I was calm, tried to signal to him that my path was impeded by obvious traffic, but he pulled along side me and started talking shit at the next stop light. Not only was he talking shit, but his girlfriend was calling me every name in the book for some reason. That's when I blacked out and said, "How are you going to curse like that in front of my mother, you cock sucking son of a bitch!(Grabbing the bat from my backseat) Do you really want me to get out of my car and beat you in front of your whore?? Say something else!!" That's when they sped away, I regained my composure, and I noticed my mother with her head in her hands showing her parental embarrassment.

Find Buddy's killer:(actual picture of culprit) It's been over a year and they still haven't found the asshole who killed a very dear friend of mine, Buddy. I know that some of you would say, "HumanityCritic, let the police do their job!!" and I understand that logic. Some of you who are more religious would say, "HumanityCritic, god will take care of him!" and I respect and understand that logic also. But I must admit, the mere thought that this miserable son of a bitch is walking free while my friend is dead and his family suffers, angers me to know end. Possible jail time is the only thing that has stopped me from tapping his mommas phone, beating information out of his friends, dangling his girlfriend by her ankles over an extremely tall building for his whereabouts, or any other form of Vigilantism only seen in Clint Eastwood flicks. A cop that came to my house and warned me about said actions didn't find it too pleasant when I said, "You better hope that I don't find him before you do!!"!! Overly macho?? Sure, but I feel that this bastard should pay for what he did. Anyway, I have been talking to a private investigator about finding this asshole and I can't wait to pluck this motherfucker from whatever rock he is hiding under. If I decide to do this I probably won't blog for a while, but I will let y'all know ahead of time, just know that I was off trying to make one of my New Years resolutions come true.

48 comments:

Tazzee said...

Very good resolutions. I wish you the best in finding a soul mate. Even with all your idiosyncratic behavior (is that a word), you must remember that there is someone for everyone...

Its a dern shame I haven't come up with any new resolutions. The same I have every year - lose weight, find a man...

Happy New Year!

Funkeedva said...

Now those are some goals :)
I hope you get all your lil fluffy heart desires...especially vindication for Buddy.

*hug and happy new yr*

Will said...

Great goals. Glad you didn't beat up the lesbian. You would've had to make a list like Earl Hickey and then treat a lesbian to lunch to regain the positive karma. LOL

Happy New Year to you!!!

Supa said...

Hey HC - Had to give you a shout out on this one. Sorry for the loss of your friend. That truly is some fucked up shit. I'm going through some similar shit with the bastard who murdered my lil' sis - it's a tad better because at least we KNOW who did it. Not knowing has to be the worst shit. And I can't blame you for wanting to make WHOEVER did it "sleepy."

Here's hoping that you can find some peace in your heart somehow!

And dude, your resolutions are funny. Good luck with all that! lol

Brother OMi said...

i gotta be less vocal too, man. so i have to work with you on that one

the other ones, you are on your own, sike...

call me homie..!

David said...

HC, are you familiar with the biography of Howard Hughes? He had a severe case of germaphobia too. Howard had what many mental health experts would describe as a classic case of obsessive compulsive disorder. Now, I know this because part of my educational background is in psychology. Howard's case only grew worse over time. Eventually, he stopped bathing, getting haircuts, and cutting his nails. He also began to save every drop of his urine in glass bottles that he stored on shelves. Now obviously, you are no where in his league with respect to your behavior. However, Howard was once a reasonably normal man whose behavior became progressively more eccentric as he got older. There was no treatment for Howard's problem in his lifetime, but there are some treatments available today. I am not qualified to recommend anything specific to you, but I would suggest that you talk it over with your therapist. I hope you don't think that I am butting in where I don't belong. I am just trying to be helpful.

Regarding you going all Charles Bronson on the ass of the MF who killed your friend Buddy, before you pull the trigger to execute the scumbag, why not take a moment to reflect on what Buddy would want you to do. I'm sure he loved you as much as you loved him.

David said...

I am such a premature publisher!

Happy New Year! :)

Hopluv said...

Sounds like the lesbian might of deserved a beat down :) for being so rude and obnoxious! Gay or straight her behavior was unacceptable!

Happy New Year!

mytruth said...

Sounds like a plan, keep us posted.

solitaire said...

You'ze a damn liar, bout "I want to be less vocal." If you are less vocal this year I'll throat chop you like a muh!!

Hello darling, it's your favourite Christian girl here. (laughs)

God bless you and keep you in 2006.

Oh, and this had me laughing my head off: "This isn't a commentary on lesbianism, and I'm quite a tolerant individual, but I thought you were a god-damned man!!"

You should have punched her. I WOULD.

Love ya!
-Campaign Manager

Quel said...

Happy New year!

Best of luck with your resolutions.

phoenix rising said...

Old Negro Spiritual???!!! i think I'd be mad at you too. Hilarious.

Don't Push Me said...

Dude, I woulda' swung on ol' girl. She can't go back and fourth between acting like a man, and acting like a woman when she gets punked up on.

Blud, I aint even violent, but I woulda' stuffed her on GP. I'm mean if she wants to act like a man, then treat her like one.

And the germaphobic thing... Sounds like OCD to me. I had a girlfriend that had it bad. She used to freak out if the towels weren't perfect, if the glasses and plates weren't all centered, and she used to not be able to walk through doorways unless she did so perfectly(?).

One day she wigged out on me because she said I dripped a "drop of pee" on her bathroom rug. She went off.

I couldn't fuck with her after that. I left her ass to fold all her clothes and underwear by herself.

And blud, if you ever catch dude who blinked your boy... Beat his ass. Don't kill him. Let his ass go to jail. I'm sure that prison is far worse than any form of you can dish.

Stay up in '06

Jdid said...

you brought it as always. good luck finding mrs HC.

regarding finding buddy's killer has boyz n the hood taught us nothing man. just think about your actions before you do anything.

Anonymous said...

You did it again!
As usual, a great post.

May your resolutions come to fruition in the O, Six.

Peace and blessings to you and your family.

-- Trent
http://beatsandrants.blogs.com

Rell said...

finding a wife sounds good to me...

G. Cornelius Harris said...

Happy New Year bruh! I'm back...Give me a holla...I'll keep you posted

glory said...

happy new year, HC! good luck with the resolutions. especially the violence one. what are we supposed to read if you go to jail?

Reese The Law Girl said...

I feel you on that last one. I have friend whose best friend's murder has been unsolved for about 6 months now.

I'm a firm beliver in justice being appropriated even if it's not the way we expect it. No one ever gets away with such a heinous crime.

Girl With An Alibi said...

I love your resolutions. Though, I really hope the police do get that guy before you do. Cause I suspect if you get to him first there's gonna be a "20 years to life" delay in you being able to keep the rest of your resolutions. Unless of course you hide the body really well. Happy New Year HC!!

Breez said...

Glad you didn't beat down the lesbian. However, I don't think there's a rule against shaking her like a maraca.

I long ago determined that my soul mate is protecting goats from El Chupacabra. I guess that's comforting. *shrug*

As far as being less vocal, isn't part of the fun in getting older saying what the hell you want?

Georgiapeach said...

stop referencing myself in the third person and assuming that some imaginary mass of people read my flimsy blog)


Oh my goodness!!! You are so silly!!!

Georgiapeach said...

Rell!!! Your wife is right here!.....lol

POPS said...

funny. my moms probably would've tried to beat both the rude chick and money in the whip with your bat. some summa b!tches need to get beat down

Crackpot Press said...

Never EVER be less vocal..

Rock on HC

Jez Chill said...

Wow!

I wish you the best on achieving your resolutions!

Sylvia said...

Less vocal?! NOOOO! (LOL)

Continue to be yourself, HC. You crack all of us up and your humor is infectious.

I hope you have a wonderful New Year...

Amadeo said...

The les earned at least a shaking. Politeness couts.

Chubby Chocolate said...

Happy New Year!!

Georgiapeach said...

I say find that asshole! Hell to the yes. By any means necessary. I would hate to be in that predicament. Seriously. I am going to calm my ass down. Cause what your going through, only infuriates me. I could not imagine. Very good that you are getting a detective. Really good. Really down. I feel you ALL the way.

Hummingbyrd said...

You are special H.C. and we are alike.
Neither one of us can hold it back. I have MADE A VERY concerted effort to not VISCERALLY respond to the sh*t people say and do.
And.
I believe in violence.

Best wishes on becoming a bett- er-um, more evolved person in '06.

Takeitoutside said...

Happy New Year HC!..I'm trying to stop being a germaphobe too. It's not that crazy, but I wash my hands at least 20 times a day and won't sit on my own toilet unless I clean it :(

Toya said...

ugh@girls acting like boys and boys acting like girl...if you're gonna be gay, aight, you do you, but don't act like a man when you're a female! i know it's wrong to hit females, cuz i wouldn't want no one hitting on me, but if she wanna act like a man, she need to take it then and not act like a punk! ugh that disturbs me when i see that, but anywyas, i hope you had a very blesseday and wonderful New Years! and Merry late CHRISTmas to ya! i hope that was good too! :-)

E to the dwige said...

Happy New Year and good luck with that list.

Reddy said...

Excellent post.. best of luck to ya with keeping those resoloutions.. I get the feeling i'll be entertained thoroughly in 2006 as you make your way through a few of those promises-to-self.

Captain Bee said...

Haha, dude, you fucking crack me up every time I read this shit.

I am definitely on with the nicknames, I tend to give people new names from time to time and it doesn't work out all that well.

Keep it going in '06.

ManNMotion said...

Honsestly, I think maybe you should put off searching for a wife till you're ready. Also, be even more of a germophobe, you really aren't that bad.

So, what's my nickname?

blogdacity said...

You are an amazing blogger!

Lene said...

I would marry you, if I wasn't so young. But I am legal in all 52 states and 10 provinces of Canada.

You should have shook some sense into that lesbian. She invited trouble when she started running her mouth.

Don't do anything drastic to Buddy's killer. Buddy would have wanted you to remember him in a better way. It wont help anyone to see you behind bars, no matter how sweet killing that mofo would be.

Coffey0072 said...

... you could've pushed the lesbo into a rack of clothing, or shook her real hard. Nothing wrong with that. tee hee.

Happy Belated New Year H.C.

nosthegametoo said...

Those are some serious resolutions. Good luck on becoming better at what you choose to be.

Good luck in this New Year.

mai said...

i'm feelin' every one of these. especially that 'less violent' thing. i mean damn, you gotta look before you leap sometimes, right? especially in a not-really-sure-of-the-gender situation! LOL!

and i really hope you run across the woman of your dreams, and that she reads your blog, and wants you anyway. hell, if she doesn't, she's a damn fool

scribe said...

I'm sorry, but you shoulda thugged that bearded clam eatin' bitch down, there I said it!

metaphyzxx said...

Murder suspect dude actually looks kinda familiar to me, but I grew up in that area. Looks like someone that I knew from Diggs Park area of chesapeake... or Ida Barbour in Portsmouth.

bren said...

Well now isn't this just my loss --- here I am female, non-lesbian, loves pornography - non-germaphobic -- and you'd be my perfect opposite -- but I'm married --
and don't wanna fuck up a good thing, hence, I don't cheat :(
Maybe in the next life ?

tmj said...

Yeah yeah yeah, I'm catching up on your posts. And you know what? Fuck it. Catch that fool. Any means necessary. But torture his ass, so you don't go down for the big one. I'd recommend testicular puncture wounds, lots of burning and salt, maybe a little anal orifice penetration, but you may not want to go that route with the homosexual connotations...Anyway, murder is wrong! Just beat that fool until he doesn't want to live anymore. Then laugh when you see his ass crip down the street.

lady in satin said...

Being a germaphobe...in my opinion....is a great thing!! I wouldn't change that if I were you.

Aneka said...

Good luck with your resolutions.

I often find myself not being able to keep up with them, so I've more or less given up on it.