Tuesday, February 28, 2006

Sick and Tired of Being Sick and Tired

As I sit here typing on a computer mainly used for illegal music and porn downloads, juggling dry heaves, the chills, and trying to find something witty to say, I realized how much I absolutely hate being sick. I guess we all hate being sick, but it happens so infrequently to me that whenever I do feel under the weather it always seems like a brand new experience for me. For a chubby bastard like myself, you would think that I would embrace being sick since I have lost 15 pounds in the matter of hours. I thought that people would comment positively on the slimmer and trimmer physique of HumanityCritic, but when you lose weight suddenly and have a pasty look of death on your face people just wonder if your favorite past time has become inhaling cooked cocaine.

People say that you learn a lot about yourself when you are in a fight, something that I have to disagree with being that I have been in a thousand fights and the only thing I've learned is that I'm addicted to violence. People say that you learn a lot about yourself when you are in love, a notion I disagree with since the last woman I was in love with left me for a panhandler(literally) , and I would to hate to think that my only lesson was to "not" fall in love. But being sick over the past couple of days I would say that I have learned a lot about myself, and what I have found out about myself is that when I'm sick I'm not an extremely weird motherfucker(weirder than usual) and a 32 year old baby. I know some of the stuff I have written on my blog has many of you thinking that I'm as nutty as squirrel turds, but after reading about some of the rituals I partake in while being sick, be kind enough to not report me to the puzzle factory.

Believe it or not, I have even less patience: This is going to sound funny coming from a dude who once proclaimed that if I had a check for a million dollars and the cashier's line was particularly long that I would come back later, when I am sick my patience is non existent. Last night when I was in the checkout line about to by a toxic mix of drugs that I thought would stop me from praying to a porcelain god, an old lady was in front of me with 20 items and holding nothing but coupons. I was cool for the first 30 seconds, but erupting out of my mouth like my mandible was a ghetto volcano, I loudly yelled, "Come the fuck on lady!!! You have a knot of money but want to keep a dying man in limbo as you pinch pennies??" She quickly looked back at me in a "you sure are an asshole" kind of way, and went on with her business. When she went to get something else while keeping me there in a puddle of illness, so I told the cashier that I would pay for her stuff as long as I could get my black ass out of there. When the lady ran up to the register upset that I had paid for her items, for some reason I did something that I have done a million times when faced with awkward situations. I ran.

I am tactless: This one chick who is a critic of my blog claims that she is sick and tired of the way that I beat the whole "asshole" motif in the ground. She also apparently doesn't care for the way I talk about my sub par sexual prowess, and my ability to sporadically throat-chop a black republican in a single bound. I guess she would have an argument if she didn't have such a horseshit blog herself, but I am insecure about my penis size, I have throat-chopped more men that I care to mention, and I have been known to be an insufferable asshole throughout my life. Granted, I'm an asshole to people who deserve it, priding myself on the fact that friends and family have never been on the business end of a brutal tongue lashing. But when my symptoms include a high fever, chills, and constant vomiting, I tend to abandon any type of governor I had on my mouth previously.

Case in point, I have a good friend named Grant who I have known since college. He is a good guy, but every conversation we have had over the past 5 years involves how horrible his ex is, her horrible mothering skills, and the hell that she has made his life. I don't know why I erupted with the following diatribe, because usually I have held these feelings back, but I said: "If I hear one more "my ex ain't shit" stories I think I'm going to go on a killing spree. I told you not to mess with her, her fucking our entire college basketball team should have at least been a warning sign to you. Shit man, you still married that tramp even though I told you she tried to get me to have sex with her, you deserve everything you get motherfucker!!" When those words barrelled out of my mouth I knew I fucked up, and I'm pretty sure the insincere "I'm sorry" didn't help things. I'm going to apologize in a proper fashion in a few days, but at least the conversation ended on a hopeful note when he said, "I forgot who much of an insufferable prick you are when you are sick."

Gotta have the right movie on: I don't know what it is, but whenever I'm throwing up breakfast more than gang members throw up gang signs, it is important that I have the right movie playing in the background. Maybe its all in my mind, but if something is on the boob tube that particularly disagrees with me, it is my belief that I will throw up even more. If Fox News is on by some chance, I am vomiting more than Kate Moss in a bathroom stall. If SportsCenter is on I still might throw up, but it is definitely a soothing sound to the flu like symptoms that I have. Some soothing flicks that I enjoy when I'm sick include "Wild Style", "Clerks", "Snatch", and "Bamboozled".

I'm a baby: Regardless of the macho bravado I try to portrait on this blog, just know that when I am sick I am the biggest baby in the world. I not only moan like a constipated turkey when I'm feeling under the weather, I become an all out attention whore for any female who is kind enough to bring over chicken soup, or any "sick dish" for that manner. It gets even worse when that person, whether it be my mother, ex girl friend, or stripper I briefly dated on a dare once, comes by at the height of my illness. This is embarrassing to admit, but I find myself speaking like a 5 year old boy, reaching out to them, and in my best sick voice saying "Please hold my hand!" You would have thought that I was on my motherfucking death bed, making my mother call me a "pussy", forcing my ex girlfriend to say "Now I know why I broke up with you", and that stripper to say "I can't believe I let you fuck me!"

I tend to do the weirdest shit: Even though I have more issues than a 6 oclock news broadcast, I feel that my wife will have the toughest time dealing with my idiosyncrasies while I'm sick. For one thing, for a reason I can't explain, I tend to smear Vick's vapor rub all over my body. If that isn't weird enough for you, I tend to put both my hands down my pants as if I was a dreadlocked version of Al Bundy.(What can I say, its soothing) Even though this is probably adding to the problem, I tend to constantly soak my hands in extremely hot water to fight off the feeling of the chills.(I guess that wouldn't be so bad, if I didn't yell out "Yeah baby, that's what I'm talking about!!!") I'm not even going to go into my TheraFlu addiction, and my penchant for running full speed on my treadmill during the early morning hours.

28 comments:

VAN007 said...

I hope you feel better sweetie. Try an herbal soak.

paco said...

I feel you on the putting your hands down your pants bit. For some reason when Im sick and Im laying down, I always do that.

Juli said...

LOL. I told you her blog sucked ass. LOL

BLESSD1 said...

Man...you sound like such a whiny -assed baby when you're sick....JUST LIKE ME! I almost NEVER get sick, but when I do, my inner bitch creeps out. I've been told that I say some pretty weak shit when I'm sick like, "please hold me...I want your warmth", and once, had to actually be carried to the throne by my 105-lb. girlfriend. Man...I hate gettting sick. Once again, great post.

Excelsior

chele said...

Good thing you're not sick that often. By the way, you don't put your hands down your pants while you have Vicks on them, do you? Feel better.

stella said...

Vicks in your pants? Surely that's not right. Surely that's extraordinarily stimulating/agonising? Or are the Vicks all over your body and hands in your pants comments meant to be consecutive and unrelated? If so, I hope you washed your hands in between. I shouldn't be thinking so much about this. Either way dude, get well soon.

JamaicanQueen said...

Sorry you are sick HC. But most men are babies when they are sick so you don't have to worry about being in the minority.

Passion of the Weiss said...

Solidarity with the illness.I'm sick too. This fucking sucks...We shall take no guff from these swine or any illness

Passion of the Weiss said...

Solidarity with the illness. I am also sick. Nice blog Today. Fucking germs...I hate taking guff from these swine.

MahoganySoul said...

You sick? Wow, with all that superhuman bravado beat-a-nukka-down-I-can-only-be-stopped-by-cryptonite, I would have NEVER thought that a mere flu would have you gone like this? I think you just let your weakness out--just get HC sick and he might be sweet to you. LOL. Naw, for real--I hope you feel better--not just for yourself but the rest of the blog world who aren't used to you BABYing up like this. In fact it's kinda cute until I visualize the image of a grown ass man all greased up with amonia/bleach strong smelling Vick's Vapor rub, walking around with tissue stuck up one of his nostrils--begging for someone to hold his hand while he upchucks the last of the chicken noodle soup some broad made for him. HC--I swear it ain't a pretty picture...at all. :-)

Dawud said...

I feel you on the vicks vapor rub, my mom use to give me that as a kid and now the minute i am stuffed up i put that shit on like it was Egyptian Musk oil..

peace

Justin said...

Snatch always cheers me up too. What a great movie.

Pull your socks up man.

CaffeineDiva said...

Poor baby... wittle HC has a wittle flu-y wooey... awww.
I'm sorry you're sick man, really.
I thought I was coming down with something this week, but I'm fighting it like hell!
Most men are complete babies when they are sick, so you are in good company. I'm usually the one people call when they need something while sick. But no one is ever around when I catch the germ I nurse them through!
Feel better soon.

glory said...

i hope you get better - and soon!

Lene said...

hope you feel better soon...

ProfessorGQ said...

like you...I HATE being sick too and will cry all day long about being sick

ProfessorGQ said...

I hope you feel better man...

sometimes, people know how choose the right words when commenting on what one may think is their self-fortune.

Georgiapeach said...

Get well soon Hc. Maybe I will send you a naked picture of me to cheer you up! Email me and let me know if you interested. :)

Ironman said...

Man that sucks, I myself don't sick too much. In fact I get a stomach virus maybe every three years. I guess I'm lucky. Though I hope you feel better, not being a prick but it may have something to do with smoking. Other than that I can't determine why, just throwing ideas out there.

Funny shit though how you payed for the ladies groceries, though why was she upset? That's retarded.

Rose said...

I don't know if I want you to get better. This was such a great post. But get better, I can say one thing you sure made me feel better with this one.

Miss Ahmad said...

Despite your self depreciating talk and possible behavior patterns, I get the feeling you're quite fond of yourself. It's almost charming in a "what does your therapist have to say about sort of way"

and for the record are you practicing a two handed pocket pull of sorts?

David said...

Hi HC, hope you feel better soon! Hey that Vick's Vapor Rub is some really nasty stuff! My mother used to torture my colds away with it when I was too little to fight back. :)

Reese The Law Girl said...

Wow, you and I are the exact opposites when we get sick. I'm always the "brave soul who continues to fight" type of sickie. I try to work until I realize that I might kill my co-workers with my germs and then at home I never ask anyone to help me when I'm sick.

Case in point: I had bronchitis for a whole week before I went to the doctor (drove myself to the doctor with a 102 degree fever and the world spinning in my head). I know, that's pretty stupid, but I guess we all do stupid things when we're sick.

Coffey0072 said...

Man, I hate being sick too.
Luckily (insert me knockng on what I HOPE is wood), I haven't had any sickly issues this year and hardly any the last.
I drink those AIRBORNE fizzy herbal tablets pretty semi-religiously. They work really good, I must say. I work around some nasty ass, hacking people (I'm a bit of a germaphobe myself), and I wash my hands regularly. That stuff is also good for hangovers too... but I digress.

Drinking a lot of red wine and a splash of vodka here and there seems to keep me sterile. tee hee.

Anyway, I sure hope you feel better, man. Lysol your keyboard!

Free said...

Uh, I'll come back when you're feeling better & I hope that's soon.

Supa said...

You 'aint sick. Get yo' punk azz up.

PSYCHE. Feel better, boo. :)

BohemianChic said...

HC I damn lucky I'm a married woman..complete genius my friend..I always love coming back to what I missed when I'm away so long..great posts (and I have a lot of catching up to do!).

SP said...

I hope you are feeling better.