Monday, November 27, 2006

Who Killed Hip Hop? On some "JFK" shit..

**HumanityCritic, investigating the assassination of Hip Hop, is told to meet an unknown man with some inside information on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial.**(Yes, I'm playing the Kevin Costner character talking to Donald Sutherland, this might not make anysense to you if you've never seen the movie "JFK"**


(Scene opens with a shot of the Lincoln Memorial, panning back to see a nervous looking HumanityCritic holding an umbrella, wearing a raincoat and his vintage EPMD fisherman hat)

(An unknown man comes out of nowhere and approaches HumanityCritic)

Unknown man: Mr.Critic?

HumanityCritic:
Yes.

Unknown Man:(extending hand) I'm glad you were able to meet me, sorry for all the precautions..

HumanityCritic: Yeah, I figured that the information that you have for me must be of the juicy variety, why else would you have me drop my pants in front of your female staffers while they pointed, giggled, and said shit like "Wow, he's hung like a toddler!"?

Unknown man: Since you have what you yourself describe as a "black myth ruiner", we had to make sure it was you.

HumanityCritic: OK, how about those two guys who gave me that very aggressive prostate exam, was all that necessary??

Unknown Man: Those weren't my people..(looking bewildered) Dude, you let a couple of guys play with your butt-hole??

HumanityCritic:(cinching his rectum, holding his butt-cheeks) Shit!!

Unknown man: A very fitting expletive if I ever heard one..

HumanityCritic: Lets get past my prostate being used as a pinata, what do I call you, Mr..?

Unknown man: I could give you a false name but I won't, just call me "Mr. Snuffleupagus".

HumanityCritic: Huh? Why not Mr. X?

Mr. Snuffleupagus: Simply because I have a thing for girls named Buffy and McRibb sandwiches, if you know what I mean..

HumanityCritic: OK, so you don't sling bean-pies in your spare time, but "Mr. Snuffleupagus"? Why not Big Bird? Why any children's characters at all? (Rapping to no one in particular) "I'm the unknown man so you don't really know me/In my rap book, I bend pages over like Mark Foley!!"

Mr. Snuffleupagus:
Fuck you, I'm no pedophile!!! That's the name I'm using because I'm big, brown, and I have chest hair so thick that you could put it in dreadlocks. Plus, you know how Snuffleupagus would only show up when Big Bird was by himself, making Big Bird's friends think that Snuffleupagus was a figment of his imagination? Well, I have that stealthy-secretive thing going on as well.

HumanityCritic:
(taking a few steps back) You know entirely too much about children's programming..

(The two men start walking down the steps of the Lincoln Memorial)

HumanityCritic: Listen, I've already received some limp wristed threats and angry misspelled emails in all caps from Jim Jones, so if you are here to threaten me..

Mr. Snuffleupagus: I'm not with the Dipset sir!(making vomit sounds) I assume that if you have come this far, you know, having your cock laughed at and being fondled by two dudes, that what I have to say must interest you. I'm not going to tell you who I work for or what I do, but you're close! You're closer than you think!


HumanityCritic: So tell me, who killed Hip Hop??

Mr. Snuffleupagus: I'll get to that later, first let me give you my background. You see Mr. Critic, I once belonged to a secret organization..

HumanityCritic: What were they called?

Mr. Snuffleupagus: We were known as WHHAAC(Wrecking Hip Hop At All Cost).

HumanityCritic: It was a secret organization until now you blabber-mouth motherfucker, I thought you weren't going to tell me who you worked for? You aren't very good at this are you?

Mr. Snuffleupagus: Give me a break will you, this is my first time being the "out of the shadows, mysterious man with inside info" guy..

HumanityCritic: OK, proceed..

Mr. Snuffleupagus:
The organization that I worked for was formed as soon as Hip Hop seeped into the public consciousness. In 1978, I was part of a team that spread propaganda about Hip Hop. When you were younger, did your parents ever say "Those Negroes aren't doing nothing but talking!!" when criticizing about Hip Hop?

HumanityCritic: Wait, that was you?

Mr. Snuffleupagus: Yes, that was me. I was also behind people saying "Rap is Crap", but that's neither here nor there. Lets see, we're behind the song "Rico Suave", I personally wrote the treatment to MC Hammer's "Pumps in a Bump" video, one of our best agents was the one who talked Shaquille O'Neal into thinking he was a legitimate rapper, I don't think you know what you are getting into Mr. Critic!

HumanityCritic:(taking notes) I guess not, I didn't know wackness could be so organized.

Mr. Snuffleupagus:(snapping fingers in Critic's face) Wake up!! This shit is deeper and nastier than anything you could have ever imagined, that is unless you have ever been inside of Lil Kim. Lets see, in the 80's the organization that I once dedicated my life to was instrumental in the emergence of Me Phi Me, the girl group L'Trimm, that god awful "Rappin'" movie starring Mario Van Peebles, who do you think talked Neneh Cherry into picking up a microphone??

HumanityCritic:(looking up from writing on his notepad) Please tell me you didn't write "Buffalo Girls"!

Mr. Snuffleupagus:(Silence)

HumanityCritic:(throwing up his arms violently) OH SHIT!!(keels over in laughter)

Mr. Snuffleupagus: Listen asshole, what I'm trying to tell you is that no matter what we cooked up to destroy Hip Hop, the music was resilient, it always seemed immune to whatever toxins we pumped through it. I mean, Chris Webber rapping, all those fucking kid rap groups of the early 90's, The Young Black Teenagers, House Party 2..

HumanityCritic: .and 3!

Mr. Snuffleupagus: Right, and 3! DMX's 2nd album, Horrorcore, the many faces of "Mace", "Bout it Bout it", "Whoomp there it is!", Freedom Williams, that ugly ass "Snap"-I will attack, and you don't want that! motherfucker, a slew of shit that would take me literally years to break down. As the years wore on, I started to feel conflicted about what I was doing because, believe it or not, I started liking Hip Hop to be totally honest. Which, as you can imagine, made my job that more difficult.

HumanityCritic: So, what was the last straw? What made you quit WHHAAC?

Mr. Snuffleupagus: I was sleepwalking through my job for years, but when the "Black Eyed Peas" added that white chick, I finally felt that those motherfuckers had just gone too goddamned far!!

(The two men sit on a park bench with the Washington Monument visible in the distance)

Mr. Snuffleupagus:
I came to you today HumanityCritic because I feel that the assassination of Hip Hop, the way it was carried out, had to be by the people that I once worked for, WHHAAC.

HumanityCritic: You know the name of your old organization sounds like a covert group of chronic masturbators?

Mr. Snuffleupagus: If that was the case then your chubby black ass would be the president of said organization, what self respecting man masturbates to episodes of "The Golden Girls" anyway??

HumanityCritic:(looking around, whispering) How did you know about that??

Mr. Snuffleupagus: There isn't much I don't know about you, now stop interrupting.

(Mr. Snuffleupagus turns to HumanityCritic)

Mr. Snuffleupagus: Listen, as for the incidents surrounding the assassination, how do you explain accepted forms of Minstrelsy like that Chicken Noodle Soup Dance, or that god forsaken "Walk it out" song? How do you explain a group like 3-Six Mafia, a group that would otherwise be considered a shit-stain on the culture itself, getting an Oscar? "Snap Dancing" makes me long for the days of Jim Crow and fucking blackface.. How do you explain these gentlemen getting upset at Nas naming his album "Hip Hop is Dead" and not publicly getting their ass handed to them after when one of them says, unbelievably, "Why does everything always have to be about something!!" when talking about Hip Hop??

HumanityCritic: Hip Hop was primed to be taken out because we let our guard down..

Mr. Snuffleupagus: Exactly! Tell me how people who usually know better could sing the praises of Lil Wayne? Tell me how otherwise respected bloggers and Hip Hop scribes would even fix their mouths to say that Jim Jones is a relevant artist? Tell me how people are saying that Jim Jones won the battle against Jay-Z when at the end of the day, that guy is still Jim 'fucking' Jones! I mean, I don't care if he produced a lifetime supply of microphones out of his rectum he will always lose a battle against a guy who could rap circles around him. The Hyphy movement, DMX's and Keisha Cole's reality show, Young Jeezy, lil Scrappy, people treating lil Kim like Nelson Mandela when her dumb ass was released from prison. I won't even go into the Vh1 Hip Hop honors debacle..

HumanityCritic: I never realized that real Hip Hop was such a danger to the establishment. Is that why Hip Hop was killed?

Mr. Snuffleupagus: That's the real question isn't it, "Why?" The "How" and the "Who" are just scenery for the public like two lesbians who forget to close their blinds while putting one another on the business end of a strap-on that's the length of a baby's arm.. ClearChannel, B.E.T, the record executives, 3-Six Mafia.. Keeps em' guessing like some sort of shell game you would play with a dyslexic retard or something, it prevents them from asking the most important question. "Why?" (sticking out his ring finger) Why was Hip Hop killed? (sticking out his middle finger) Who benefited? (sticking out his index finger) Who has the power of covering it up??

(Mr. Snuffleupagus promptly gets up and walks away)

HumanityCritic: (yelling)Where in the fuck are you going?? What do I look like, Agatha Christie? I'm not Angela Lansberry out this motherfucker!!! Who killed Hip Hop!!?? To set the record straight, I only beat off to Rue McClanahan when watching "The Golden Girls" for your information!

Mr. Snuffleupagus:(now jogging, yelling back) I know, you stroke it while singing that "Thank you for being a friend.." theme-song!!


To Be Continued...

16 comments:

Sankofa said...

I got into a debate with my 9th grade students. They asked me, "Ms. H, who do you think is the best rapper ever?" As I handed back papers, I simply responded, "Rakim." One kid said, "Oh yeah, that bald guy from back in the day. My dad has his stuff. He was aiight. But can't nobody touch Lil' Wayne." Besides the fact that his Dad and I had similiar musical tastes which pretty much automatically negates my views in a 14 year-old's perspective, I really thought that I needed to put down the vocab quiz I was handing out and make this a different kind of teachable moment. So I pulled up some lyrics by both artists, printed them and read them aloud, in my best monotone teacher voice. Then I said, "Lyrically speaking, Lil' Wayne should be scrubbing the inside of Rakim's toilet bowl with a piece of paper in the hopes that he can retrieved a even a smudge of Rakim's skills." Marcus, my Lil' Wayne fan, laughed and said, "Ms. H, you gangsta..."
Each one, teach one...reclaim Hip Hop. :-)

Peach said...

"Listen, I've already received some limp wristed threats and angry misspelled emails in all caps from Jim Jones, so if you are here to threaten me.."

LMAO @ that LOL

THE HYPHY MOVEMENT is going on over here where I live..in "the bay". I moved here from ATL. It was complete culture shock. I have no problem telling the natives that their music is garbage and singing about sunglasses and short busses is not hip hop. I always remind them..."I never heard of Mac Dre until I moved out here, and he's dead now anywan...nobody listens to that crap...what the fuck is HYPHY??? lol

TJ said...

Somebody thinks Lil' Wayne is the best rapper ever? Teach the chirren, Sankofa... They need help.

MrFan said...

Damn I feel sick after all that wackness... freedom williams, neneh cherry? Fuck!!! The infiltration must stop.

**pops in Group Home album**

"we must sacrifice for the best and best is yet to come...."

**engraves the words young joc on a hollowtip bullet**

hardCore said...

what killed hip hop:

A&R's
mic ratings
beef
black on black crime
mtv cribs
big name video directors
cristal
rolls royce
size 4XL white tee shirts
guns
the "i don't write my rhymes down" myth
video vixens
tall all books
r&b samples & hooks
old skool impalas
platinum plaques
weed
scarface the movie
corn rows
keeping it real
hot 97
drug dealers
napster
madison avenue
moguls
the ipod
ghost writers
name dropping
studio gangstas
alias names
representing record labels
radio singles
release dates
rapper endorsed clothing lines
the forbes money list
the 40 o.z.
ring tones
double albums
super head
wendy williams
the red carpet
gang banging
the n-word
high school drop outs
the hood
suburban america
radio
dj's
superstar producers
guest appearances
sagging
throw back jerseys
tatoos
egos
pro tools
myspace.com
mp3's
wack concerts
the sound man
biting
seven album record contracts
no publishing
breakups
rap snacks
playa haters
stans
and finally
money

i got a post about hip hop being dead going on at my site as well.

Luke Cage said...

MAAANNNNN!!! Let me tell you. That post was great man.. but, if anyone has seen the actual JFK movie, then they would definitely realize how on point the post was in reference to that movie, if not that scene. This is one of my alltime top 20 movies. And how scary was that flick anyway?

I can practically picture Sutherland playing mr.X, and coming up with all of that intricate and conspiracy-heavy synopsis's on who would benefit if JFK got elminated. Not to mention, this line haunted me for weeks after I first saw JFK...

"Back and to the Left. Back and to the Left. Back and to the Left." - holy shit! Funniest thing in here, is when you had UM / Snuffie tell you that:

That's the real question isn't it, "Why?" The "How" and the "Who" are just scenery for the public like two lesbians who forget to close their blinds while putting one another on the business end of a strap-on that's the length of a baby's arm.. ClearChannel, B.E.T, the record executives, 3-Six Mafia..

Nicely done mannn!

Anonymous said...

I know I sound like my Dad, but I don't think black people care anymore. They don't care about upward mobility, social injustice, second class citizenship, etc. I hate to say it, but most are satisfied with a job at the UPS, some 24's, and hanging out in the club. Life imitates art imitates life.

It makes me want Ronald Reagan back in the presidency. At least then we were mad and contemplative, and the music represented the times. Now, with the amount of credit you can get, anyone can "feel" rich and that life is just one big party. With the information age, the powers that be have succeeded in puting us all to sleep. There's no racism because we are all doing the Laffy Taffy, do not look behind the curtain as we take away affirmative action just go ahead and shake it like a salt shaker, never mind that there are less than 1% of Black CEO's running Fortune 500 companies because you all have some chicken noodle soup with a soda on the side. Yummy! Go to sleep. Go to sleep.

My question is where is the outcry from the hip hop community regarding the Michael Richards comments. As with everything else, there was a windstorm for about half a day, then back to bangin' in my white tee.

Brother OMi said...

dope. another banger

man, you said Me Phi Me... that dude was garbage. L'Trimm too. damn you remember that?

but i feel you...mofo's are doing a good job

way to go Sankofa...

Ladynay said...

I liked this "skit" of sorts. Some of the groups I never even heard of! LOL

Epsilonicus said...

This post mayhavebeen funny but it is the truth. I did not get to experience the "Golden Age of Hip Hop" but I realize the shit that is out is wack. I hardly listen to the radio anymore. I feel like I can do is dance to the music at the club. It serves no other purpose.

Beauty said...

*falling out in hysterics* @ 3 Six Mafia getting an Oscar. I truly think that took the cake. I knew I was getting old when I simply couldn't understand the Hyphy momement so I am completely with you. Mr. Snuffleupagus HAS to come back with some answers dammit!

Anonymous said...

this would be a good short movie

jameil1922 said...

people treating lil Kim like Nelson Mandela when her dumb ass was released from prison!!!!!!!! ughhhhhhhhhhhh!! that shit is so foolish!!!! it drives me crazy!! she LIED TO A GRAND JURY WHEN THEY HAD HER ON TAPE AND THE DUDES LIVED IN HER HOUSE!!!! stupid.

jiveassturkey said...

I found this as part of a thread in the comments section of another blog; break's down Nas' rhymes to explain who killed Hip Hop. And it's none other than.....nah, check it 4 urself


[Nas - First Verse]
look here see, pretty mike shanked two face al
over some gal
find the body dead in the aisles
death by strangulation, microphone cord a dirty broad
guess theyll never play it again Sam
damn that was my jam
now she's on the lamb
she made it out wit 200 grand
what a scam
while these two compete on who's the star of the show
golden legs there makes off wit the doe
I read the paper there wit joe da butcher
he said "one glance is all it took ya, she's a real looker
they say her old mans a bootlegger
transporting in any weather and at this rate we'll never get her"
fellas think its time to call it a night
all this talk of this mystery dames gettin me tight
thought I saw her in my eyesight, right
hate to spoil the party
what are you guys havin? the same?
waiter another round for the gang
its strange how I always felt outta place
joe da butchers my ace, but in comes freckle face
so I said see you later
fore hurt him and his two ugly thumb breakers
met them in louisiana wrestling gators
and any idiot can tell there involved wit the caper
so I pulled the revolver on my waist up
between the patrol car and the grey truck behind the streetlamp was a silouhette
white gloves and a real long cigarette
whattya ya know all this time she's got me in her scope
she spoke says " the devils got you guys be the throat
your conspiracy theories won't work without evidence
that's the reason why eric b is not president"

ya see?

[Nas - Second Verse]
look here see, I know you got soul your trying to hide it
how did you kill a man out in cypress?
one eyed charlie
he only hangs with the criminal minded
says you guys did it doggystyle is he lyin?
she says " walk this way ill tell you a childrens story
we hit the bodega got her a few 40s
we jumped in my ride
we drove and she cried
twist off the cap there and opened her mouth wide
swallowed it
whole bottles half empty
drinks like a fish, now she's past tipsy
truth came out as we got to her suave house
chopped and screwed her mouth and sat me on the couch
I said its gettin late cmon give it to me straight
who's ya sponsor lady?
she says bill gates
whattya born 77? 78?
she says "nah it goes way to an earlier date, slave times
claims the slaves said rhymes but she fell in love wit some fella named clive
who?
clive campbell from sedgwick ave, the bronx
now she shows me the cash
I said who's clive? don't play wit me skirt!
she said clive campbell.....he's kool herc

Ahaaa Ahaaaaa

[Nas Outro]
listen up sweetheart, now we gettin somewhere
as she's talkin she starts vanishing in thin air
but before she drops the money bag on the floor and died
she said if you really love me, ill come back alive

-----
SYNOPSIS

now lets get some things straight since its a story there's characters, setting and plot

the plot is who killed hip-hop?

the setting is 1930s the golden era; the manifestation of jazz, mobsters, bootlegging and organized crime

the characters are nas the detective and his partner joe da butcher

freckle face who is joe da butchers connection to the underworld

and hip-hop who is the girl in the story a.k.a. the gal

now what happens is pretty mike and two face al kill each other and the gal runs off with the money

pretty mike and two face al are B.I.G. & Tupac and its a psuedonym for hip-hop maximizing its commercialism which is why the gal runs off with the money

the murder of two face al is directly referencing tupac dying first

now this all occured at some club where the classic jams go on sung by the gal

that is why nas says damn that was my jam because she will never be singing there again

the setting is further portrayed through the uses of microphone cord as the murder weapon and the fact the body was found in the aisle

now joe da butches represent the average hip-hop listener

his name simply breaks down to joe a.k.a. the average joe schmo and da butcher part is a reference to "chewing the fat" which means just kicking simple convo chillin

now after joe mentions to nas that he realizes he's falling for her nas hits the bar a lil aggitated

he realizes its the same scene at the bar but says f*ck it and drinks are on him

that represent nas going commercial and he admits it but tries to counteract that by saying "but I always felt outta place" which means he sold out but still puts out real hip-hop

the symbolism in the bar scene is that joe the da butcher is nas partner but his southern connects (freckle face and company) are involved wit this crime

joe is none the wiser a.k.a. the average listener supports southern music regardless of all this south trash talk (jeezy,ludacris,lil jon,rick ross)

nas gets a lil ticked off and heads outside and realizes the gal has been trailin him the whole time

that's basically saying that even though he didn't kno it hip-hop HAS been followin him for a while

next thing she steps out the shadow and he says "all this time she had me in her scope"

in her scope = interscope
nas starts the story saying "death by strangulation" but death = def

basically he was saying that def jam started the "killing" (when it commercialized hip-hop) and now interscope
runs it

at this point he is saying the crackers took control of the art hence the reference to conspiracy theorys behind this whodunit

"that's why eric b is not president" pretty much sums it up

so def jam chokeholded the game and then universal picked it up

at this point nas has some evidence so he starts interrogating the broad

"I know you have soul quit tryin to hide it" is obviously saying that hip-hop has soul but its obscured by the commercialism

nas uses the interrogation wisely by bringing up cypress hill and snoop dogg referencing the classics just flippin the phrases

if you can't figure it out then your pretty f*ckin stupid

she (hip-hop) supposedly killed a man in cypress which is a project in brooklyn

cypress hill how I could just kill a man

and one eyed charlie (krs-one) who only hangs with the criminal minded (bdp) said they did it doggystyle (snoop dogg) but obviously referencing sex

at this point she puts everything in perspective for nas IN ORDER because nas was out of chronological order by mentioning 92 then 91 then 88

so she begins by asking him to "walk this way" (run dmc) and she will tell him a childrens story (slick rick)

this is starting out raw hip-hop in the 80s

"got her a few 40s" is now referencing the west coast era domination as well hoppin in the "ride"

at this point hip-hop started losing "it" because it was being bombarded by commercial gangsterism and losing its origins

the getting tipsy part refers to hip-hop totally losing control and becoming almost completely pop (the bad boy era)

"as we got to her suave house chopped and screwed her mouth" is now moving on to the south moving on in at the close of the shiny suit era and is cleverly flipped to nas getting oral sex by hip-hop he finally gave in

after he f*cks her she spills the beans and tells him that bill gates sponsored her to destroy hip-hop through means of downloading and extreme piracy

remember hip-hops father was a bootlegger and now her sponsor is one of the largest helpers in the creation of bootlegging

at this point she just breaks down and admits she is IMMORTAL because no regular human could be alive in BOTH slave times AND the 1930s

she says she came from that era and had many lovers since but her one true love was kool herc (pioneer of hip-hop, some say sole creator)

but then she obviously f*cked him over and fell to the pressure of the root of all evil, money (the 200 grand) (by the way 200 grnd in 1930 is worth MILLIONS)

at this point the gig is up and she begins to fade away magically but lets nas know its his inner spirit that really keeps hip-hop alive

she really didn't need the money in the end

hope yall learned something

Anonymous said...

I really like that you explain nas's verses of the song I really learned something thanks for the enlightenment.

rap music said...

coporate america destroyed hip hop... yeah boyeeeee!!!