Let me be honest with you, I'm a 33 year old black male that was raised in the great city of Virginia Beach, Virginia. I told you that because even though I can handle myself in the fine art of fisticuffs and have put many men from rougher areas of the country on their collective backs, the only "hoods" I knew growing up were the parents of a childhood friend of mine that happened to be associated with the Klu Klux Klan. Even though West coast rappers taught me about Gang-life and how going to an area with the wrong colors might get your ass fucked up, the only "blood" I was accustomed to seeing was when it meant a girlfriend of mine wasn't pregnant. As for pimping, sure I have been known to date a slew of women at the same time, but I'm no ass entrepreneur based on all the money that I spent on the ladies in question, the insubordination that I allowed, and the fact that I would never put my hands on a woman. Shit man, every time I start to feel any pride about my town that is heavily republican, a city that proved that they want to bring back slavery based on their overwhelming support of George Allen, and is 16% African American, the Public Enemy song "Welcome To the Terrordome" comes on where Chuck rips my city a respective "new one".
Ok, now you know my background, which doesn't explain some of the things that come out of my mouth. I mean, I used to say things attributed to a pimp or a gang member as a joke amongst my friends, nothing brings people together like quoting lines from "Menace to Society" and "Pimp's Up Hoes down" I say. But the problem, like a "recreational" cocaine user who goes from snorting blow with models to blowing guys to maintain his habit, my usage of said terms has become so much of an addiction that they have infiltrated my every day vocabulary. No longer do I say these things as a joke, it comes out of my mouth with drop dead seriousness, and that is my problem. Here are a few examples.
"Twist that fool's cap backwards": I'm not sure what hood movie I got this from, probably "Menace To Society"(correct me if I'm wrong), but I'm sure it means assassinating a gentleman in the name of retaliation. At first I'd say it as a joke, if a friend told me about some guy at his job that is hassling him I'd say, "If I was you, I'd walk into Home Depot(his job) and grab a 2x4, or a shovel from isle 4 and twist that fool's cap backwards to let him know that you mean business!!" I was joking THEN, but I wasn't joking when a dude grabbed the ass of my friends girlfriend, when a dude aggressively bumped into a friend of mine without saying "excuse me", or when a man tried to take off with my cousin's coat at a local club, each time I screamed in utter seriousness "Yo, you better go over there an twist that fool's cap backwards!!!!" I was reminded of the silly phrase that has become part of my vocabulary when my friend said, "You are a chubby black guy from a Lilly white neighborhood, you're not "O-Dog" motherfucker!! Stop the "gang-speak" already!!"
"Sucker for love ass trick": I feel that Ice Cube and I are kindred spirits, sure he has seen things that I haven't, but we are two black guys from middle class backgrounds who had both parents, who desperately want people to believe that we are bad asses. That being said I think I got the term "Sucker for love ass trick" from some random Cube song, a phrase that I have come to understand is when a man makes himself look like a complete jackass for the sake of some woman. For example, a friend I have known since High School named Walter is, like that song that gremlin "T-Pain" sings, in love with a stripper. Scratch that, "In love" would suggest that he has showered with her as she washed that dastardly stripper glitter off of her body or at least sniffed the panties, he has done neither. But for some reason he is always there when she dances, openly rejects when a guy says anything remotely sexual to her, and nods in agreement like a parkinsons ravaged bobble-head doll on crack as she says some of the stupidest things ever to pass through the lips of any woman that has been upside down on a pole. Like a cross-dressing funny-car driver, hanging with Walter around her has been quite the fucking drag, and he is, according to my love for 90's west coast Hip Hop, a "sucker for love ass trick".
"Reckless Eyeballing": Thanks to "Pimps up Hoes Down", the term "Reckless Eyeballing" has become a daily part of my speech pattern. Correct me if I'm wrong, but in the world of Pimps the term has to do with a prostitute who acknowledges another pimp via eye recognition, or some silly shit. Anyway, based on this seeming like a hell-worthy trespass in the world of Pimpdom akin to two guys fucking and eating meat on Friday, I've adopted the term in my everyday life. If some dude looks like he wants a piece of me like I'm an organ donor and shit, I'll usually walk over to him and say "Don't let your reckless eyeballing get you beat up in front of your girlfriend!!!" That's usually when he gives me a bewildered look, squints his eyes and says "Pimps up Hoes Down, right??", after that we both end up laughing like two schoolgirls. I did the same with this woman who was staring at me while she was with her boyfriend. The whole night she was looking in my direction, smiling, pumping her fists, I just knew she wanted me to climb on top of her at a later date and disappoint her like I've done to many others before her. So when I gave her my number as her man was in the bathroom she said, "I have a man, I don't want this!!", so when I asked her to explain her "Reckless eyeballing" she said, "We're at a sports bar and I'm looking at the basketball game on the screen above your head jackass!!"
"The County": Short for "county Jail", this is a term that I have used very liberally over the past few years. Granted, I've never been to a "let me check your prostate with me cock" prison, I've been to city jail a few times based on the sporadic habit I have of clotheslining black republicans and throat-Chopping Jim Jones fans. I'm not going to lie, based on my time in "the county" I started to feel that I had the makings of a Gangsta Rapper, based on my lengthy relationship in the penal system. All that was shattered a few years ago when I was at this house party a friend of mine was throwing and I was talking to her brother, a dude that had just been released from jail. As we drank and chatted I said, "Yeah, I heard you just got out. I know how you feel, I've done my fair time in "The county" as well!!" That's when he spewed a diatribe that still make my asscheecks tighten to this day, he said: "County?? What in the fuck are you talking about?? N*gga, I was in PRISON. A place were tough men are turned into bitches, a forcibly placed penis in the rectum will do that to you!! I had to deal with people putting glass in my food, I had to guard my sweet asshole like it was the White House and I was a secret service agent, I was so worried about getting shanked that I had to wear fucking phone books around my body!! County! County!! Are you shitting me??" That's when I placed my hands over my lips in the most feminine way possible and said, "Heavens!!"