Wednesday, August 15, 2007

Chances are, I'm a bigger snob than you..

One of my favorite movies over the last decade or so is "High Fidelity", not so much for the main character's penchant for listing things obsessively like I do - but because his motto "Its not what you're like, its what you like" is one that I religiously subscribe to, like priests and their predilection for male prepubescent butt-cheeks. I hate to seem so shallow, but women have automatically been reduced from "wifey material" to "casual fuck toy" status during a date just by them mentioning some minstrel show rapper that they adore, while one of my friends is getting his ass kicked in a club I'll let him take a few punches before saving him based on that one time he waxed poetic about the brilliance of Tyler Perry - its my way of kicking karma in her fat ass, there's a price to be paid for criminally wack tastes of that magnitude. My snobbery knows no bounds, sometimes I feel that there's no way in hell a person could be so fucking useless and that their bad choices in music has to be part of some grand conspiracy - feeling that white people who sing the praises of Three-6 Mafia secretly despise black people, and black folks who listen to the same sort of drivel are self loathing Negros who probably pray for the destruction of melanin owners everywhere and masturbate to pictures of Clarence Thomas in their free time. Bad decisions concerning a persons CD purchases happens to be a character flaw in my book, I bet you money that I'm a bigger snob than you - my snobbery once caused me to walk out on a naked woman who wanted to fuck to Jagged Edge's "Lets Get Married"(she rejected my choice, Public Enemy's "Welcome to the Terrordome), my snobbery caused me to punch a DJ who played "The Electric Slide" even though it was requested by the new bride. I miss my father, his death has severely affected me because we never got a chance to reconcile - but even though he requested that I go out and buy him "Who Let the Dog's out" while he was on his death bed, I don't regret for one minute looking over his frail body and saying "Sorry pop(shaking head, folding arms), I can't do that! I love you, would literally give you my right arm if it would save your life - but what you're asking me is too much!!"

I hadn't thought about that refused deathbed request for a few years now, that was until my mother recently introduced me as her "dickhead son" - so after her friends shook their heads in disapproval at me as if I had just taken a rather busy shit right in front of them, if forced me to really examine the many ways in which I'm an insufferable snob.

Throwing CD's for distance: I can't tell you how many bridges I've obliterated and friendships that I've assassinated, but whenever someone decides to brave the treacherous terrain that is my passenger side seat and put a disc into my CD player - if I don't like what I hear in approximately 30 seconds I throw it for distance out of my window like it was an Olympic fucking event. I wish I could tell you that I did it to intentionally be a dickhead, but its just the way my body naturally reacts to bullshit - like muscle memory enabling a boxer to block specific punches, or how how I try to spell my name with my own ejaculate on a woman's back while climaxing. Of course I pay the person for their discarded merchandise, but the look on their faces is absolutely priceless - so much in fact that I've captured at least 6 images of said reaction on my camera phone, one day I plan on blow them all up and featuring them in an art exhibit.

I literally turn my back on artists: A girl that I used to "date" works for the popular "Hip Hop" station in my city - I put quotes around the word "date" because what we were actually doing was emotionless fucking, and I put quotes around the word "Hip Hop" because what they actually play is Jim Jones and that horrible "Ay Bay Bay" minstrelsy. Anyway, since she is one of the only women who let me rent seconds of space inside of her private area without burning self-made chubby dreadlocked representations of me in effigy - she always offers me free tickets to a plethora of shows and miscellaneous events. At first I'd always decline, I mean, most of the tickets she offered me where to shows where the performer flashed diamond encrusted smiles while setting my race back 100 years. But after a while I accepted, not because I wanted to be more open minded about music that I otherwise loathed - but because I wanted to seize on an opportunity to express my displeasure of someones music in their face. That being said, I have been to at least 5 shows where I've been introduced to the artist performing - and when he extends his hand I smirk, turn my back, and passionately cross my arms while in my best B-Boy stance. Sure they are dumbfounded and insulted, that's sort of the point.

Handicapped, Schmandi-capped!!: I was chatting with a friend of mine about Hip Hop at a bar recently, and while I was talking I noticed that the man at the table beside ours was bothered with our conversation - so I very politely asked the young gentleman, "Whats your fucking problem douchebag?!" He then proceeded to basically tell us that we didn't know shit about Hip Hop, named a few vomit-worthy artists that were his personal favorites - and even topped off his verbal bowel movement by telling me the inexcusable, that Rakim was overrated. The air left my body, I barely pushed out the words "What did you say??", he replied "You heard me!!! Fuck Rakim, Tupac is hands down the best rapper of all time!!" My friend looked at me and said, "HumanityCritic, chill out!", then I looked at the Tupac fan and said, "Take that back, now!!!" When he rolled to our table showing us that he was wheelchair bound, he smiled and said "I'm not taking anything back, pussy - I'm in a wheel-chair, what can you do anyways??" That's when I grabbed his chair and started aggressively wheeling his ass outside, even when he engaged some sort of brake I continued to drag it anyways - reaching the edge of traffic about to push him and his dead legs into harms way. As he let out high shrieks that apparently only asshole snobs and canines hear - I said, "Say Rakim is the best, say it motherfucker! - don't and I'll push your ass into traffic Stephen Hawking!!!" Not for nothing, but I think I've enlightened another person to Rakim's greatness.

9 comments:

Gedi said...

'My snobbery knows no bounds'....hahahahaha!
This post makes me say: 'slow down son, you killin' them (c) p. diddy

BLESSD1 said...

LAWDHAMERCY!!! I was DYING when I read that last story. "Say Rakim is the best, say it motherfucker! - don't and I'll push your ass into traffic Stephen Hawking!!!" You called the man Stephen Hawking? ROTFLMAO!!!

natural muze said...

you are a nut. this is hilarious. hip hop is a real serious thing around these parts, huh? daaaang.

Xcentric Pryncess said...

lol @ you for throwing peoples cds out of the window...lol you are wrong for that, funny but wrong..

--and thanks for stopping by..

Nye said...

You shoulda spray painted "Now I Know The Ledge" on the back of seat of his wheels HC. Seriously.

Vman said...

Hey, I've been a long time reader even emailed you a few times, and as one of the few hip hop fans left that know that lil wayne is a "shit stain" you need to read this; http://www.newyorker.com/arts/critics/musical/2007/08/13/070813crmu_music_frerejones

they gave him a good review in the fucking new yorker, can you believe this shit?

DJ Black Adam said...

Theres ONE "R" in the Alphabet!!

HotSauce!! said...

First time visitor and i have to say that you are a plum fool and i love you and am willing to sell you my first born. I'll be a constant reader. thanks for the afternoon pick me up before I commit mass destruction on my place of employment. Rakim...is sexy!!

hottnikz said...

I've thought about punching out DJ's that play wack shit @ weddings, funny post.