The Secret Behind my Ringtones

One of the worst habits that I have, outside of me constantly injecting clergy molestation humor whenever I talk to a man of the cloth and using my own saliva as a lubricant during sex like I was on a fucking porn set - is my penchant for giving people the most offensive nicknames imaginable. My friend Nate has a habit of knocking up women who look like they grew up next to nuclear reactors, so I call him "Iraq" - because he always finds himself in the middle of a bad situation with the inability of pulling out. Ever since my childhood pal of mine named Lynn dated a Chinese guy I have never let her forget it, I'm not racist mind you - but ever since she told me about a marathon sex session that she had the gentleman where "she just couldn't get enough", I said "That's because he's Chinese, his sperm has MSG in it - that's why you went back for seconds!" She wasn't impressed with my brand of humor, so you can just imagine how delighted she is now that I constantly refer to her as "Shaolin" and proceed to recite part of U-God's verse in "Da Mystery of Chess boxing" whenever she calls. The elderly black man at my local watering hole I refer to as "Old Negro Spiritual", the puertorrican chick who almost ripped my blessed cock off with her extremely aggressive hand-jobs I refer to as "Sly Stallone in Over-the-top" - and the hobbit seized neighbor of mine who mistakenly gave me that backhanded "You speak so well!!" compliment recently, I started to openly call him "Douche-Baggins" around everyone that he cares about. The MC friend of mine who got caught masturbating in a nightclub bathroom, "The Whack Rapper", the waitress woman that I know who will blow you in the parking lot if you are rather heavy-handed on the gratuity, "Service with a smile" - you get the idea, but my lifelong habit of entertaining myself by renaming people is starting to give me quite a few enemies. Some of my closest friends have expressed their dissatisfaction recently, people who know I'll virtually wipe the floor with them have challenged me to fist fights, people have gone as far as completely halting intriguing conversations as soon as I walk into a room - I mean, I like being the asshole, but not one of that magnitude.

So slowly and surely, like that sex addict who starts limiting his sodomy of strange women to once a week, the career alcoholic who picks one day out of the month to get completely shit-faced, and the chubby dreadlocked blogger who finds himself only urinating on one Lil Wayne fan every six months - I'm gradually beginning to wane myself off of giving people insulting nicknames. Even though I've subscribed to a new form of douchebaggery though, giving people personalized ring-tones that are probably even more insulting than the nicknames that I have for them - I've refused to tell people what their particular ring-tone signifies, but I'll let you in on the secret.

O.C: "Ga Head"

I have a friend who for the longest time had the sneaking suspicion that his girlfriend was cheating on him, things like her unaccounted for time and different sexual idiosyncrasies sort of gave his premature fears a dose of steroids - he'd always ask for my opinion and I'd say, "not to be an asshole or anything, but some other guy is pelvicly adding a new wing to your lady's vagina!!". Come to find out his old lady was cheating on him with another woman, exactly what happened in O.C's song "Ga Head" - hence the ring-tone that blares every time he calls me.

DJ Jazzy Jeff and the Fresh Prince - "Brand new funk"

The women that my married friends tend hook me up with all seem like the escaped from the puzzle factory - a proverbial smorgasbord of broads who would love nothing more than to replace their hobby of licking glass with a healthy diet of stalking me at all hours. But recently a woman named Sara that I was supposed to be introduced to was completely breathtaking, as she approached the table we were sitting at it was like she was walking in slow motion - a beauty that almost inspired me and my erection to stand up, and run towards her like we were both in the middle of a fucking wheat field. But when she finally reached our table and sat next to me, she didn't quite smell right - and I'm not talking about that "not quite right, milk a couple of days past the expiration date" smell either. I mean, she was rank, 4-star general rank - so much in fact that I will forever stand at attention and salute whenever I find myself in a moldy locker-room somewhere. She's fine and all, but just imagine the state of affairs her vagina must be in if she can't accomplish the simplest of tasks like maintaining underarm odor. Who knows, maybe that was a bad night for her - but until she stops bathing in pig droppings, this will continue to be her ring-tone.

Amy Winehouse - "Just Friends"

I know that my asshole behavior when dealing with the opposite sex is well documented, the reason why I feel like I'm single and in this holding pattern "purgatory" is because of all the women whose backs I've spelled my name in ejaculate on and the sisters of girlfriends I've sodomized while screaming "Fuck, you had corn-on-the-cob for dinner didn't you!!" There is no excuse for my behavior, but I've found solace in the fact that most of the women who now own voodoo dolls of me never had any moral high ground to stand on - meaning that when I met them they were soldiers with shifty agenda's as well, and when the smoke cleared they were simply casualties of war. That being said, there is a stunning woman that I've met recently who thinks that I'm the unadulterated shit - she's kind, warm, and has a pure heart. Reasons that I can't fuck with her, I'm not trying to obliterate her life with my brand of foolishness - my rather unimpressive light-saber only slays female storm-troopers and your garden variety imperial soldier with a massive set of boobs, I've never been into taking civilian casualties. So when said woman calls, with her legs that look like she came out of the womb ball-room dancing and a body so devilishly tempting that Satan worshippers masturbate to it - this is the song that plays, reminding me of what level to keep her on.

Big Daddy Kane: "Warm it up Kane"

While my friend is battling his addiction in rehab I have been nothing but a supportive friend, visiting him, writing him encouraging letters - even sneaking strippers in his room to lift my pals spirits, nothing makes a guy momentarily forget about a severe drug habit than having glittery tits smashed into your face. I love my friend to death, I really do - but I will never be able to wrap my head around him smoking cooked cocaine. That being said, this song being played when he calls is rather fitting - don't you agree?

George Kranz - "Din Da Da"

Even though I've only dated black women up until this point, it never had anything to do with race - its basically because there hasn't been a white women that has yet to live up to the great standards set by Ms. Lucinda Dickey. That's right, Kelly from those "Breakin'" movies - ever since then, nothing makes a baby arm extend from my body like a Caucasian women who can "Bust a move" so to speak. Anyway, this local B-Girl wants me to write a treatment for this dance video she wants to shoot - not only does she have skills, but she is too young to understand why I constantly keep calling her "Special K". So when she calls me, this is the song that plays.(Sidebar: I think that black women who usually get upset at black man/ white woman relationships would give brothers a pass as soon as they saw the chick execute a precise flair move)

Bahamadia - "3 Tha Hard Way"

I'm a hypocrite, a smut connoisseur who on any given day pleasures himself to Asian midgets being humiliated or busty black women who love each other in a children's pool full of baby oil - but the second that a woman that I'm interested in informs me that she was once on the business end of a gangbang, all of a sudden I'm sickened like I'm a Christian fundamentalist. Sure she had more black sticks pounding her than a Rodney King recorded beating, but that was more than a decade ago - so why can't I get that shit out of my head? Until I resolve my issues, and see the beauty of her being so sexually "accepting" - this will continue to be her ring tone.