Monday, August 06, 2007

Who Killed Hip Hop? On some "JFK" shit..

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**HumanityCritic, investigating the assassination of Hip Hop, is told to meet an unknown man with some inside information on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial.**(Yes, I'm playing the Kevin Costner character talking to Donald Sutherland, this might not make anysense to you if you've never seen the movie "JFK"**

(Scene opens with a shot of the Lincoln Memorial, panning back to see a nervous looking HumanityCritic holding an umbrella, wearing a raincoat and his vintage EPMD fisherman hat)

(An unknown man comes out of nowhere and approaches HumanityCritic)

Unknown man: Mr.Critic?


Unknown Man:(extending hand) I'm glad you were able to meet me, sorry for all the precautions..

HumanityCritic: Yeah, I figured that the information that you have for me must be of the juicy variety, why else would you have me drop my pants in front of your female staffers while they pointed, giggled, and said shit like "Wow, he's hung like a toddler!"?

Unknown man: Since you have what you yourself describe as a "black myth ruiner", we had to make sure it was you.

HumanityCritic: OK, how about those two guys who gave me that very aggressive prostate exam, was all that necessary??

Unknown Man: Those weren't my people..(looking bewildered) Dude, you let a couple of guys play with your butt-hole??

HumanityCritic:(cinching his rectum, holding his butt-cheeks) Shit!!

Unknown man: A very fitting expletive if I ever heard one..

HumanityCritic: Lets get past my prostate being used as a pinata, what do I call you, Mr..?

Unknown man: I could give you a false name but I won't, just call me "Mr. Snuffleupagus".

HumanityCritic: Huh? Why not Mr. X?

Mr. Snuffleupagus: Simply because I have a thing for girls named Buffy and McRibb sandwiches, if you know what I mean..

HumanityCritic: OK, so you don't sling bean-pies in your spare time, but "Mr. Snuffleupagus"? Why not Big Bird? Why any children's characters at all? (Rapping to no one in particular) "I'm the unknown man so you don't really know me/In my rap book, I bend pages over like Mark Foley!!"

Mr. Snuffleupagus:
Fuck you, I'm no pedophile!!! That's the name I'm using because I'm big, brown, and I have chest hair so thick that you could put it in dreadlocks. Plus, you know how Snuffleupagus would only show up when Big Bird was by himself, making Big Bird's friends think that Snuffleupagus was a figment of his imagination? Well, I have that stealthy-secretive thing going on as well.

(taking a few steps back) You know entirely too much about children's programming..

(The two men start walking down the steps of the Lincoln Memorial)

HumanityCritic: Listen, I've already received some limp wristed threats and angry misspelled emails in all caps from Jim Jones, so if you are here to threaten me..

Mr. Snuffleupagus: I'm not with the Dipset sir!(making vomit sounds) I assume that if you have come this far, you know, having your cock laughed at and being fondled by two dudes, that what I have to say must interest you. I'm not going to tell you who I work for or what I do, but you're close! You're closer than you think!

HumanityCritic: So tell me, who killed Hip Hop??

Mr. Snuffleupagus: I'll get to that later, first let me give you my background. You see Mr. Critic, I once belonged to a secret organization..

HumanityCritic: What were they called?

Mr. Snuffleupagus: We were known as WHHAAC(Wrecking Hip Hop At All Cost).

HumanityCritic: It was a secret organization until now you blabber-mouth motherfucker, I thought you weren't going to tell me who you worked for? You aren't very good at this are you?

Mr. Snuffleupagus: Give me a break will you, this is my first time being the "out of the shadows, mysterious man with inside info" guy..

HumanityCritic: OK, proceed..

Mr. Snuffleupagus:
The organization that I worked for was formed as soon as Hip Hop seeped into the public consciousness. In 1978, I was part of a team that spread propaganda about Hip Hop. When you were younger, did your parents ever say "Those Negroes aren't doing nothing but talking!!" when criticizing about Hip Hop?

HumanityCritic: Wait, that was you?

Mr. Snuffleupagus: Yes, that was me. I was also behind people saying "Rap is Crap", but that's neither here nor there. Lets see, we're behind the song "Rico Suave", I personally wrote the treatment to MC Hammer's "Pumps in a Bump" video, one of our best agents was the one who talked Shaquille O'Neal into thinking he was a legitimate rapper, I don't think you know what you are getting into Mr. Critic!

HumanityCritic:(taking notes) I guess not, I didn't know wackness could be so organized.

Mr. Snuffleupagus:(snapping fingers in Critic's face) Wake up!! This shit is deeper and nastier than anything you could have ever imagined, that is unless you have ever been inside of Lil Kim. Lets see, in the 80's the organization that I once dedicated my life to was instrumental in the emergence of Me Phi Me, the girl group L'Trimm, that god awful "Rappin'" movie starring Mario Van Peebles, who do you think talked Neneh Cherry into picking up a microphone??

HumanityCritic:(looking up from writing on his notepad) Please tell me you didn't write "Buffalo Girls"!

Mr. Snuffleupagus:(Silence)

HumanityCritic:(throwing up his arms violently) OH SHIT!!(keels over in laughter)

Mr. Snuffleupagus: Listen asshole, what I'm trying to tell you is that no matter what we cooked up to destroy Hip Hop, the music was resilient, it always seemed immune to whatever toxins we pumped through it. I mean, Chris Webber rapping, all those fucking kid rap groups of the early 90's, The Young Black Teenagers, House Party 2..

HumanityCritic: .and 3!

Mr. Snuffleupagus: Right, and 3! DMX's 2nd album, Horrorcore, the many faces of "Mace", "Bout it Bout it", "Whoomp there it is!", Freedom Williams, that ugly ass "Snap"-I will attack, and you don't want that! motherfucker, a slew of shit that would take me literally years to break down. As the years wore on, I started to feel conflicted about what I was doing because, believe it or not, I started liking Hip Hop to be totally honest. Which, as you can imagine, made my job that more difficult.

HumanityCritic: So, what was the last straw? What made you quit WHHAAC?

Mr. Snuffleupagus: I was sleepwalking through my job for years, but when the "Black Eyed Peas" added that white chick, I finally felt that those motherfuckers had just gone too goddamned far!!

(The two men sit on a park bench with the Washington Monument visible in the distance)

Mr. Snuffleupagus:
I came to you today HumanityCritic because I feel that the assassination of Hip Hop, the way it was carried out, had to be by the people that I once worked for, WHHAAC.

HumanityCritic: You know the name of your old organization sounds like a covert group of chronic masturbators?

Mr. Snuffleupagus: If that was the case then your chubby black ass would be the president of said organization, what self respecting man masturbates to episodes of "The Golden Girls" anyway??

HumanityCritic:(looking around, whispering) How did you know about that??

Mr. Snuffleupagus: There isn't much I don't know about you, now stop interrupting.

(Mr. Snuffleupagus turns to HumanityCritic)

Mr. Snuffleupagus: Listen, as for the incidents surrounding the assassination, how do you explain accepted forms of Minstrelsy like that Chicken Noodle Soup Dance, or that god forsaken "Walk it out" song? How do you explain a group like 3-Six Mafia, a group that would otherwise be considered a shit-stain on the culture itself, getting an Oscar? "Snap Dancing" makes me long for the days of Jim Crow and fucking blackface.. How do you explain these gentlemen getting upset at Nas naming his album "Hip Hop is Dead" and not publicly getting their ass handed to them after when one of them says, unbelievably, "Why does everything always have to be about something!!" when talking about Hip Hop??

HumanityCritic: Hip Hop was primed to be taken out because we let our guard down..

Mr. Snuffleupagus: Exactly! Tell me how people who usually know better could sing the praises of Lil Wayne? Tell me how otherwise respected bloggers and Hip Hop scribes would even fix their mouths to say that Jim Jones is a relevant artist? Tell me how people are saying that Jim Jones won the battle against Jay-Z when at the end of the day, that guy is still Jim 'fucking' Jones! I mean, I don't care if he produced a lifetime supply of microphones out of his rectum he will always lose a battle against a guy who could rap circles around him. The Hyphy movement, DMX's and Keisha Cole's reality show, Young Jeezy, lil Scrappy, people treating lil Kim like Nelson Mandela when her dumb ass was released from prison. I won't even go into the Vh1 Hip Hop honors debacle..

HumanityCritic: I never realized that real Hip Hop was such a danger to the establishment. Is that why Hip Hop was killed?

Mr. Snuffleupagus: That's the real question isn't it, "Why?" The "How" and the "Who" are just scenery for the public like two lesbians who forget to close their blinds while putting one another on the business end of a strap-on that's the length of a baby's arm.. ClearChannel, B.E.T, the record executives, 3-Six Mafia.. Keeps em' guessing like some sort of shell game you would play with a dyslexic retard or something, it prevents them from asking the most important question. "Why?" (sticking out his ring finger) Why was Hip Hop killed? (sticking out his middle finger) Who benefited? (sticking out his index finger) Who has the power of covering it up??

(Mr. Snuffleupagus promptly gets up and walks away)

HumanityCritic: (yelling)Where in the fuck are you going?? What do I look like, Agatha Christie? I'm not Angela Lansberry out this motherfucker!!! Who killed Hip Hop!!?? To set the record straight, I only beat off to Rue McClanahan when watching "The Golden Girls" for your information!

Mr. Snuffleupagus:(now jogging, yelling back) I know, you stroke it while singing that "Thank you for being a friend.." theme-song!!

To Be Continued...


Udi said...

LMAO @pumps and a bump. I remember that video. I get embarassed at the thought that I used to listen to MC Hammer and watched his damn ass cartoon. In my defense though, i was 11.

Mahogany Brown said...

That was way to entertaining for words lol. I hadn't even seen that clip of "The Durty Boys?" talking about Nas' album title. Who the hell are they anyway? What song do they sing? Never mind. It's not important. Not at all.