An Open Letter to Barack Obama..

Dear Barack Obama,

Since you are about to grace the cover of Vibe magazine - I figured there was no better time than the present to reach out to you. Besides, you are a Public Enemy fan for Christs sake - I'm pretty sure you'll find it funny that I got a campaign letter of yours the other day, I opened it, and read it, and then proceeded to call you a sucker.(Only real P.E fans like you and I will get that reference) Listen, I have to be honest with you brother, when you first announced that you were running for the highest office in the land I felt both fearful and skeptical. Fearful because, well - I don't want to say anything that your opponents might use against you at a later date so let me just blurt out three examples of what I'm talking about and you can do whatever you want with it: Malcolm X, Martin Luther King, and The Black Panthers - not for nothing Senator, but the mere fact that the mafia and street gangs use pictures of our government officials as masturbatory material based on their penchant for taking out threats - you can understand why I didn't want you within a square mile of any podium of importance. Despite the fact that the black army fatigues might scare some white folks, and them sporadically screaming out "Go get a late pass" might throw off your concentration as you give the garden variety state of the union address - I once suggested that you get Public Enemy's "S1W's"(Security of the First world) as your presidential protection.(Sure Griff is a live-wire, but I still contend that he's one of the baddest men on the planet) Also, I was skeptical - primarily because our black leadership has been pretty much nonexistent for many years now - nothing but ambulance chasing Jesus-pimps who care more about banning the "N-word" and lining their wallets than caring about the real problems that face our great nation. Not only that, but I've spent the past 6 years dissing the holy fuck out of any black person who urged me to give Condi a chance because she was a "sister in a high position" despite her blistering incompetence - I couldn't come off as a complete hypocrite and support you in that same blind fashion now could I?

But as time has gone by I've dropped the whole "He's got to prove to me that he's worthy" rhetoric that most black folks have employed nowadays, not only because I sincerely feel that you could be a good president - but also I've realized that its just an intellectually dishonest stance to have based on the rest of the presidential field available to us. A man of your stature probably won't be proud of this, but every time I've heard some black person outline the reason you can't be trusted because of the campaign donations you've taken or the fact that you've been trying to garner more of the white vote - I always scream out "HE'S RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES, NOT PRESIDENT OF THE "BLACK CULTURE CLUB" AT YOUR LOCAL HIGH SCHOOL YOU IGNORANT MOTHERFUCKER!!!"(Sorry about that..) Besides, forget about me agreeing with you politically - looking at the field you flat-out seem like the obvious choice to me.

I mean, Giuliani? Fuck no, the 911 hero tag is complete horsehit and theres proof backing that up - besides, if I wanted to vote for a guy who once married his cousin I'd eagerly attempt to have Jerry Lee Lewis elected our next president. Mitt "Big Love" Besides, his own children think he's a smoldering piece of shit, can you really broker peace agreements if you can stop your kids from publicly showing you their ass - it looks like his own daughter is supporting your candidacy, its good to see that Rudy spawned something of some significance besides a 9/11 hero myth and plunger raping police officers. Mitt "Big Love" Romney, no thanks - but it has nothing to do with him being a Mormon, but more about him being slicker than women in Hype Williams video's based on his ever changing positions that suit him politically. McCain, criminally wrong on the war, Fred Thompson, you see what happened the last time we let a fucking actor run the country? Elizabeth Edwards' courage is amazing, and I feel alright about John Edwards - but I also feel "alright" about some of the craps that I take as well, there's no room for indifference when voting for a president.(Yeah, there was John Kerry - my bad)

Now, the main reason that I'd like to see you over Hillary, besides the fact that she was wrong in voting for the war in Iraq - is that she has been using the same slimy tactics on you that Bush used on John Kerry in the 2004 election. Taking things that you say completely out of context, butchering your quotes to make you seem ignorant - sending out her henchmen to claim that you would be willing to "sit down and talk to a holocaust deniers" - does any of this shit sound vaguely familiar brother? Straight from the Karl Rove play-book. The lady came out against violent video games for Christs sake, so you know that if she becomes the nominee she will pick some fucking rapper to throw under the bus for votes - shit, her hubby did it with Sistah Souljah, its not beneath her. On that note, if you don't mind I have some pretty sound advice for you to follow - that's if you are really serious about being our first black president that is. Don't worry, I'm not going to tell you to "not get caught with a white girl" or to "make a Mexican your vice president for safety precautions" - because you knew that already.

1.Get a new political strategist: David Axelrod is a skilled strategist but please, please, fire him immediately. I happened to catch him on "The Chris Matthews Show" last week against Hillary Clinton's strategist Howard Wolfson where he completely got his lunch eaten. For all I know Howard Wolfson's experience pales in comparison to Mr. Axelrod's - but it was difficult to tell as Wolfson continuously cut him off while staying on message. Not only do you need someone knowledgeable to go out there and represent you, but that person needs to be a god damned pit-bull at the same time. My advice, possibly have Mr. Axelrod play the background and hire a woman who is just as skilled but more aggressive(see Donna Brazile)- this way Mr. Wolfson can get his ass handed to him while looking like an ass for constantly interrupting a lady at the same time.

2.Repetition is good: In a speech recently I heard where you characterized Hillary Clinton as "Bush-lite", you haven't used it in a while but for Christs sake keep it up. Remember how well the "flip-flop" tag followed John Kerry around, yes it was dishonest based on how much more of a "flip flopper" Bush was - but back in 04', the amount of people who regurgitated that back to me without knowing what in the fuck they were talking about was pure genius. The beauty of you constantly saying "Bush-lite" is that you can prove that its more than just a campaign tactic - based on her vote on the war. You have to show people there is a clear difference between you and her, and buddy this is it.

3.Chin-Check the media: Believe it or not, despite how horrible it is - I'm not even talking about those few deplorable political pundits who want to purposely confuse you with a terrorist who murdered more than 3,000 of our fellow Americans based on your name. I'm talking about the media in general, add Keith Olbermann to that list(A guy who I respect and have played his "Special Comments" on my blog ad nauseum) - for hinting that you are being hypocritical when you criticize someone, because of you saying that you were going to change the tone in American politics. You have to make it crystal clear to whoever will listen that even though you won't go to "Swift Boat" depths to smear someone, you will immediately defend yourself forcefully whenever attacked - and said action is in stark contrast to a political smear.


Yours Truly,

Humanity F Critic aka "The Black Larry David" aka "Gordon Gartrell"