Friday, August 17, 2007
HumanityCritic, converting women to Lesbianism since 1993:
When I wrote a post entitled "Erykah Badu's Vagina Can Save Hip Hop."(more than a month and a half ago) for Vibe.com, I was quickly reminded that no matter how many caveats you add to ease someones uptight sensibilities - regardless what type of journalistic tap-dance routine you put on, at the end of the day there will always be somebody thoroughly offended with whatever you write. Here I am thinking that the masses would completely get my brand of humor, suggesting that Ms. Badu's genital region could save Hip Hop based on the men who changed their style up even after a smidgen of coitus with the Texas born songstress - but there were a few women out there who saw that singular post as a frontal assault on the feminist movement as a whole. Heartfelt and personal emails were sent to me from long time readers expressing their disappointment, negative comments were hurled at my directions, this one woman who I know in my day to day life actually shook her head in disapproval when I saw her - I mean, I'm the same guy who once got head in a confessional and sodomized a chick in the bathroom at my father's wake for Christs sake, you're really offended that I pointed out the power of Ms. Badu's vagina? Really?
I shouldn't be surprised though, the battlefield that is my relationship history is littered with the charred remains of women who were utterly repulsed by my behavior - everything from baby boomer-style hand-jobs from a girlfriend's mother, to getting to know her closest and dearest childhood friends biblically while she was away on business. Yes I was a bastard, a career philanderer who feels that Karma buys new boots on a weekly basis just to treat my prostate like a fucking soccer ball - but this post isn't about me lobbying to be the king off all assholes, my douche-bag exploits are so well documented that my dreadlocks have naturally started to form a crown. What I'm wondering is, why have more than 6 women came out the closet after they have dated me? I know, conventional wisdom would suggest that those women were probably on the fast track to strap-ons and K.D Lang concerts way before they ever met me - but six women is six women, how many times does something have to happen before is ceases being a coincidence? Here are three examples, and their actual take on the situation.
HumanityCritic's Account: "I was 17 years old man, you think I'm a sex addicted miscreant now - that HumanityCritic was a "coked up, Steroids" version.(minus the illegal substances that is) But to be completely honest, I don't remember doing anything particularly bad to Crystal - outside of me standing her up a few times, ejaculating on her mother's sheets - and abruptly changing the topic whenever she talked about our future past the next two months or so."
Crystal's take: "I knew that I was attracted to women before I dated HumanityCritic, I just suppressed it - I should be thanking him, because his child-like indifference towards me actually made the transition to women a rather smooth one to be completely honest. I somewhat converted during our relationship, I just kept him around for appearance sake - around my folks and family who I wasn't ready to come out to yet. As long as I gave him a few "mercy pumps" he was just fine, besides, I always found it a good opportunity to catch up on some well deserved rest.(haha)"
HumanityCritic's rebuttal: "That's just fucked up, I mean, its cool for me to do the "self deprecating shtick" but when you do it I feel rather exposed.(folding arms like a cold breeze just blew over me)"
Dated: 7/94 - 8/95
HumanityCritic's Account: "Probably the first chick I ever thought I could be completely faithful to, I loved her and she actually loved me back - this is going to sound corny, but if I ever happen to experience a feeling like that again I will burn all my porno's in a celebratory barn fire.(Except the Bobbi Bliss one where it looks like she's digesting a.. Sorry) From what I remember I was good to Teresa, but looking back I probably bored her into being a Lesbian - I was so into fucking her like an upstanding citizen she probably needed to be man-handled by an insuferable prick!"
Teresa's take: "Why do you guys think that a lesbian is a lesbian because she hasn't had the right penis go up inside her? I always knew, at least at a subconscious level - yes you did bore the piss out of me but you were sweet. Actually, I read your blog more times than not - and I get the sneaking suspicion that I was the one who converted you into being the asshole that your readers know so well. You're off the hook here kiddo, it wasn't you - even though I've experienced longer tongues than.. I'm playing! I'm playing!"
HumanityCritic's Account: "This was only a few years back, many moons after I've already fully embraced my inner asshole - by the turbulent nature of the relationship, I'm shocked that we lasted four months. Sure I was insufferable, criticizing her choices in music like she was mentally handicapped, punching her brother in the face for accusing me of cheating at cards(I was), and a proverbial laundry list of offenses that would even sicken my female fan-base accustomed to my horse-shit. But she was the one that ruined it, as soon as we started dating the first thing she told me was "If it doesn't work out with you, I'm switching to chicks?" What kind of shit is to tell a new boyfriend anyways? That's like telling someone, "You have to find the nuclear weapon or we all die, you have 24 hours?" - what am I, Jack Bauer? That's too much pressure to put on someones shoulders, so I did what any other red blooded male would do - I just fucked like crazy and acted like an asshole until she fully converted to lesbianism.(I mean, the world comes to an end)
Shay's take: "First off, you're a smoldering piece of shit! Second, you are an asshole! I've dated chicks before I even met you, that's how bad your memory is - don't you remember you telling me during sex "Damn girl, you have a sand-papery cat tongue - I feel bad for all your ex girlfriends, because your coarse tongue probably buffed away all their good vagina's!" - does that ring any bells. So no, you didn't push me into being a lesbian - but the way you always ended up fucking my friends with reckless abandon, that helped me remain on one side of the sexual preference lane. Oh yeah, my girlfriend says she's going to kick your ass when she sees you!"
HumanityCritic rebuttal: "She didn't do anything the last time I saw her, me picking her up while she screamed "I'm a girl goddammit!! I'm a girl!!" after she threatened to kil me. Yeah, its funny how she plays the feminine angle right before she's about to get thrown into some very sticky bushes.(For the record, I would never hit a woman - but if you threaten to stab me, your ass might get thrown into some bushed as well)