A touching story about a dating "intervention" performed on me..

Ever since my father told me that Santa Claus didn't exist and added, "If you do see a fat white fuck coming down our chimney trying to give you a "gift", stab that motherfucker immediately because he's a pedophile!!", there isn't much that I anxiously wait for each year. Birthdays suck when you get past 30, I haven't remembered a New Years eve in years, but there is one event that I marked on my calender the same way I used to remind myself of my ex-girlfriends cycle before we went on vacation. That event, one that made me pull out my Sunday's best for a few years straight, one that made me make sure that every dreadlock was in place, beard was trimmed, the one event where I acted like a perfect gentleman and hid the fact that I'm an insufferable prick. This place I talk about,where the fantasies of a child-like dreamer like myself came true as if I was a pre-teen sipping chocolate out of Willy Wonka's pool and shit, is a yearly poetry party thrown by a couple that I have known since college.

The couple in question, Carlos and Tonya, have been throwing these home-made poetry slams for years, where there were so many incense and head-wraps in one place you would think that you were stuck in a virtual showing of "Love Jones". To be honest, I hate a lot of poetry, I find the male poets to be condescending jackasses and the female poets desperately trying to channel their inner flower child, plus the poetry there is mediocre at best. I once went there, exposing what kind of pig I am, to prey on the scores of lonely women who attended my friend's shin-dig, knowing that their sole purpose was being able to recite some bland "men ain't shit" rant while I attempted to play the sensitive guy and talk them out of their dashiki's later.

It was poetry(pun intended) when I sought out which female I was going to expose to my pre-ejaculatory ways, if you look closely you can see an easy mark a mile away. Ladies I mean no harm so look at this as a cautionary tale, as a changed man who now looks down at his once asshole ways, but never tell a man shit like "I'm a strong black woman, no man can get over on me!" because not only is it a cry for help but you might as well put a fucking bulls-eye on your back. So each year, when I didn't have the conscious that I have now, I'd meet some coffee-shop chicks at my friends gathering, and later I would leave them disappointed as we laid there in our post coitus glow, trying to block out her vegan ramblings as I nursed a hangover. I thought I wasn't doing anything wrong, especially due to the fact that I was blatant with my lechery, and the way that Carlos and Tonya threw single women my way I just knew they were throwing me what I would later nickname "ASSists".

But there was something wrong with what I was doing, a fact that came to my attention when I decided to attend one of my friends poetry parties after a 3 years absence. The problem with me changing my life in the last three years is that your old self is always a part of you, the alcoholic who becomes clean has ghosts who still haunt him because of the lives he shattered at the height of his addiction, the ex cocaine addict with a new lease on life is still haunted by his old self who stole money from the ones he loved years earlier, and even though I have changed there are still ghosts that haunt me. True, I'm still violent, like to drink, and have no problem calling members of the clergy "miserable motherfuckers", but the fact that I stopped playing Russian Roulette with my cock has to count for something.

So I walked in their yearly event not thinking about my past indiscretions, but simply wanting to see some old friends and listen to some third-rate poetry. As I approached Carlos and Tonya I extended my arms as to give both of them a hug, but I didn't really feel the love back as they gave me an uneasy pat on my back to reciprocate the affection. We chatted a while but I could tell something was wrong with them, I just chalked it up to them feeling stressed due to all the planning it takes for them to run this affair smoothly. So I grabbed me a chair, grabbed me a fruit drink and proceeded to watch the first 5 poets that did your garden variety, bitter broad "men ain't shit" poetry.

Truly bored, and getting a massive chubby from the mounds of flesh peaking through various sarongs and dashiki's, I went in the back yard to pour some liquor in my fruit drink to make this night a little more bearable. There I saw Tonya, who was smoking a cigarette when she saw my fruit punch become intimately acquainted with Mr. Jack Daniels himself when she said, "I see you haven't changed much in the past few years!!" I smiled, took a sip from my drink then jokingly said, "Tonya, some of those Erykah Badu chicks in there can really "catch it", hook a brother up!!!" With a frustrated look on her face she looked up into the sky, mouthing the words "I can't believe this shit!" to herself, then grabbed me by the hand.

She quickly led me to her garage that smelled like a bum's nutsack, as if I was a toddler and shit, and advised me to wait there for a few moments. I didn't know what was going on, for all I know she could have found that the right opportunity to declare her love for me, but then again she wouldn't touch me with a ten foot pole since that time she found herself laying in a wet spot I left when I had sex with her college roommate in her bed. Then suddenly she reappears, this time with Carlos and two other chicks who looked vaguely familiar. I was uncomfortable, so I do what I always do when I'm in an awkward situation, I say foul shit. "Hey Carlos, I'm all down for an orgy with your wife and these two other chicks, but don't you think me "leaving extra space" in your significant other might ruin our friendship??"

Right when Carlos was about to explain what was going on, Tonya blurted out in a Turrets inspired rage, "We want you to stop fucking our friends! We want you to stop fucking our friends!!!" Carlos looked at her like she had went off script, turned to me and said, "HumanityCritic, you have to stop inserting yourself in people we care about??" "Inserting" myself" I said, "Was I fucking or pumping gas?? Then I said, "What in the fuck are y'all talking about, I haven't been here for a couple of years?" Then, like they had planned this speech for a couple of years and shit, they broke down how by them hooking me up with women that they were friendly with, those women broke off all communication with them based on how much of an asshole I was. The following is a laundry list of offenses against yours truly, shit I had forgotten about until I found myself getting the third degree from 4 people in a musty ass garage.

1. Apparently I met the mother of one young lady while I was drunk, and the mere fact that she was a heavy set woman wearing a purple coat, I proceeded to call her "Grimace" the whole night.
2. Apparently I knocked out the brother of a young lady while he was giving me a playful, brotherly "you'd better not hurt my sister" speech.
3. As the story goes, because a certain young lady was taking too long talking to her ex boyfriend after we had left the movie theater, I took it upon myself to leave her ass there. The sad part was we were three cities from her house.
4. When me and another young lady were at the piercing parlor while her older sister was getting her "goodies" pierced, I said inappropriate things in a Shaggy(the cartoon character) voice like, "Something sure is fishy around her Scooby-Doo!"
5. I had sex with the same sister I felt comfortable publicly commenting on her lack of feminine hygiene.
6. In a moment of post coitus bliss, I promised one woman that I would tattoo her name somewhere on my body. A week later when she tattooed my name on her, instead of telling her the truth about not wanting to go through with it, I lied and said that I had some weird disorder where I couldn't get tattooed. She bought my bullshit, which is miraculous based on the fact that I already had two tattoos at the time.
7. One woman I dated used to be an "escort" and I guess she felt ashamed of her past life and wanted to move those hard emotional times. I guess she didn't find it funny when I would constantly leave money on her dresser after sex.
8. While I was dating one of Tonya's poet friends, I was out with another woman in a club one Saturday night. When I noticed that I was about to be caught and be read the riot act by a scorned lover, I screamed, "Don't you get enough, Stop stalking me!! Security! Security!!", as my boy who was a bouncer carried her away kicking and screaming.
9. The two chicks who were with Tonya during the "Intervention" I had known biblically, and at least one of their poems that night about "men not being shit" was inspired by Humanity F. Critic.
10. I was at a party that was being thrown by a woman I was dating, celebrating her brother having a sex change operation. I was sober, so when I asked him specifics about the operation like the removal of his penis, I meant no disrespect in my curiosity. But he was pissed and called himself dressing me down. So in response, finding the irony in it funny, I followed him around the whole night saying "Come on bro, "I'm not trying to be a dick or anything!!"


As I sat there, bombarded by the numerous sins I committed against women of the coffee-shop variety, I realized I had pushed my asshole tactics in the back of my mind. I felt bad, even wanting to tell them how I have changed my life and the guy they were talking about being the "old me". But dude, I'm lazy, so I shrugged my shoulders like a naughty toddler and simply gave a unsatisfying "My Bad". As we went back into the house to hear the other poets I grabbed the two women by the arm who had just gave me the third degree and said, "So this means we can never fuck again?"

Rumble Young Man Rumble!!!!

A couple of days ago I pulled out my verbal violin and played a journalistic tune as depressing as a Marty J Blige interview, expressing how hard it was being a black skateboarder. It was a bit much I admit, but when I think about how hard it has been being a Kobe Bryant fan over the past couple of years, I feel like I should fucking underline my point by having a Billy Holiday song play in the background while you read this. If it is not listening to the brilliant retorts from Kobe haters like "But he's an asshole!" in response to intricate Johnny Cochran defenses of Bryant, the way NBA analysts universally tried their best to push the notion a couple of years ago that Manu Ginobili and Dwayne Wade were better than Kobe, watching a deplorable NBA rundown show on ESPN with Tim Legler and Greg Anthony where they implied that the viewpoint of sports writer Ric Bucher was irrelevant because he "never played basketball" just because he said something complimentary about Bryant. It's horesehit like that, along with Vince Carter's criticizing of Kobe Bryant's 81 point game as a "bad example for kids"(Vince "I never saw a shot I didn't like" Carter?? Shut up dickhead..) that makes this past season even more sweeter for Bryant fans like yours truly.

When I see people eat shit, like Stephen A. Smith damn near giving Kobe a mouth-hug during his interview with him even thought he was one of Bryants most outspoken critics. Hearing douchebags like Tim Legler praise Bryant as the "best in the game" even though he once said that Ginobli was a better player, and the scores of NBA analysts and sports reporters who's flip-flops have them looking like a pair of tits. I feel like Biz Markie on some "Damn it feels good to see people up on it" shit, as my Lakers go to the playoffs. Honestly, they probably won't go far, but here's hoping that they do.



My "Kobe for MVP" argument:

*81 point game, 2,832 points this season(7th all time, all time leading Laker), *35.4 points a game average(best since Jordan in the 86-87 season),
*One of only two players in NBA history to score 35-plus points per game for 13 consecutive games (the other is Wilt Chamberlain)
*One of only three players in NBA history to score 40-plus points per game for 9 consecutive games (the others are Michael Jordan and Wilt Chamberlain)
*One of only three players in NBA history to score 45-plus points per game for 4 consecutive games (the others are Elgin Baylor and Wilt Chamberlain)
*One of only two players in NBA history to average 40-plus points per game for an entire month on two separate occasions (40.6 ppg in February 2003, 43.4 ppg in January 2006)
*Became the first player ever to outscore the opposing team through three quarters since the advent of the 24-second shot clock after scoring 62 points in three quarters of play on December 20, 2005 vs. the Dallas Mavericks
*NBA regular-season leader, free throws made: 2006 (696)

Video of the Day.. Kool G Rap: "Ill Street Blues"

I dedicate this post to Kool G Rap, a top ten MC despite what those incompetent fucks over at MTV think. Besides me stealing the line from G-Rap by saying, "I'll bust a nut, get up, and wipe my d*ck on your curtain!" after sex to freak out a miscellaneous lover to the point that she clutches her draperies, the line "Up, Up, Up and away cause I don't play clown. Buck, Buck, Buck, take that with you on the way down!" is one of my all time favorites. But, if you like good old fashioned American violence like I do, check out the Kool G Rap video "On the Run" here. Vivd storytelling, and you have to endorse a video that was banned by both Mtv and B.E.T.

When I said that "Bush is the worst fucking President ever!!", I thought I was just talking out of my Liberal ass...

When you think about Abu Graibe, the administration leaking an operatives name for political purposes, their response to Hurricane Katrina, them doctoring evidence for their case to war, the economy, the skyrocketing debt, and a shitload of other examples of proven incompetence, don't you chuckle when the right's argument against John Kerry was that he "looked french"? When you look at his low approval numbers, remember when people had those silly polls proving how Bush was the man "You'd rather have a beer with"??(I wonder if all those Hurricane Katrina victims feel like grabbing a cold one with our draftdodger-in-chief?) Remember how Bush(the draft dodger) and Cheney(the douche with 5 deferments) fooled all of you who voted for them that you wouldn't be safe under John Kerry?(Experts claim that we are even less safe than we were pre-911) Listen, John Kerry ran a terrible campaign and seemed like the fucking tin-man, but when you feel that a baboon could have run this country better than Bush, it suddenly makes Kerry look like an attractive alternative.(No disrespect to John Kerry or Baboons)

This is from a Rolling Stone article I saw a couple of days ago:

George W. Bush's presidency appears headed for colossal historical disgrace. Barring a cataclysmic event on the order of the terrorist attacks of September 11th, after which the public might rally around the White House once again, there seems to be little the administration can do to avoid being ranked on the lowest tier of U.S. presidents. And that may be the best-case scenario. Many historians are now wondering whether Bush, in fact, will be remembered as the very worst president in all of American history.

Jesus.. Wait, theres more.

Even worse for the president, the general public, having once given Bush the highest approval ratings ever recorded, now appears to be coming around to the dismal view held by most historians. To be sure, the president retains a considerable base of supporters who believe in and adore him, and who reject all criticism with a mixture of disbelief and fierce contempt -- about one-third of the electorate. (When the columnist Richard Reeves publicized the historians' poll last year and suggested it might have merit, he drew thousands of abusive replies that called him an idiot and that praised Bush as, in one writer's words, "a Christian who actually acts on his deeply held beliefs.") Yet the ranks of the true believers have thinned dramatically. A majority of voters in forty-three states now disapprove of Bush's handling of his job. Since the commencement of reliable polling in the 1940s, only one twice-elected president has seen his ratings fall as low as Bush's in his second term: Richard Nixon, during the months preceding his resignation in 1974. No two-term president since polling began has fallen from such a height of popularity as Bush's (in the neighborhood of ninety percent, during the patriotic upswell following the 2001 attacks) to such a low (now in the midthirties). No president, including Harry Truman (whose ratings sometimes dipped below Nixonian levels), has experienced such a virtually unrelieved decline as Bush has since his high point. Apart from sharp but temporary upticks that followed the commencement of the Iraq war and the capture of Saddam Hussein, and a recovery during the weeks just before and after his re-election, the Bush trend has been a profile in fairly steady disillusionment.

I wonder where all of those "..but Bush is a strong leader!" people are now??

My Take on Mtv's "Greatest MC's of All Time" List.

In an age where it seems the only prerequisite of being a Hip Hop journalist is simply stringing a coherent sentence together, based on the countless music themed television shows I've seen where a so called "respectable Hip Hop journalist" waxes poetic about the lyrical prowess of Lil Wayne or Young Jeezy, it's obvious to say that I don't respect any networks belief of what the greatest MC's of all time are. I mean, I saw a list on VH1 once where they had a hooker with studio time(Lil Kim) and a Tupac wannabe(Jah Rule) ahead of some of the all time greats in the Hip Hop, it was so ludicrous that I planned on storming the VH1 building equipped with Rambo-like artillery so I could get some answers.(That planned was abandoned when I realized that I'm a dude with long dreadlocks and a big butt, not really an ideal combination in prison)

So when a reader(Vee) directed me to Mtv's list of the greatest rappers of all time I just knew it was time to dust off my handy Rambo knife with the compass in the handle. I have to be honest though, as I read their list of the top rappers in history I wasn't really that mad at it. It wasn't that far from my list, and the mere fact that Mtv didn't feel the need to cater to any geographic area outside of the west and east coast by throwing some rapper who wasn't worthy to be on said list was pretty impressive. That being said, there are still some slight problems that I have with the list, so I will go down the list and make my true feeling be known. Not to mention, when I saw the footage of the assbags who were voting on this particular list I was shocked, especially when one writer claimed that Black Thought only had "one flow". (*Sidenote* I had to laugh when Sway said that the writers who came up with said list were the "smartest, most knowledgeable minds at Mtv News." Isn't that like being the brightest kid with Down Syndrome??) Obviously the following observation is just my opinion, so fuck you if you get offended, but tell me what your personal top 10 is because I don't claim to be the Yoda of Hip Hop knowledge or anything.

Mtv's #10: LL Cool J

HumanityCritic Commentary: I particularly can't be mad at them putting James Todd Smith at number ten because that's where I put him. Even though I haven't purchased an LL album since maybe High School, but you can't deny his place in Hip Hop history. Plus, based on all the girls I failed to satisfy solely because I knew all the words to "I need love" back in the day, I feel I at least owe the brother a spot on my list.

Mtv's #9: Eminem

HumanityCritic Commentary: I have to admit, for at least a few of his albums, I was Eminem's biggest supporter. When detractors came up with arguments on why Eminem was "wack", I became a Hip Hop Johnny Cochran and defended the caucasian MC, detailing his intricate flow and his lyrical wizardry, which usually followed me mushing the person I was talking to in the face because of their idiocy. But, like a skilled point guard who has the ability to go to the hole at will but settles for unadvised three point shots, Eminem has became a huge fucking disappointment. For one thing, he can't be on any top ten list because his albums are amazingly fucking sub-par. Also, the dude has a built-in audience where he could fart on a record and go platinum, so instead of using that and making a groundbreaking record he chooses to continuously cater to the TRL crowd. The guy is lyrically nasty, I'll give him that every day, but he doesn't belong in the top ten.


Mtv's #8: Ice Cube

HumanityCritic Commentary: Whenever I meet younger cats and hip them on Ice Cube's earlier work, I always give them the "expiration date" line when purchasing his material, saying "Be careful, the music goes bad after 1992". I know, it sounds bad, but it is my belief that Ice Cube went down faster than a lesbian Kamikaze after the "Death Certificate" album, or maybe it was his "Lethal Injection" release?? I forget, but despite me not particularly feeling his most recent solo work, or the proverbial wackness that was the "West Side Connection", the man does belong on this list because of a few factors. 1: His point guard performance while he was in NWA, wring everyone's lyrics who weren't named MC Ren 2: Amerikkka's Most wanted 3: Death Certificate being one on the best Hip Hop recordings of all time. Obviously I'm not mad at Mtv for this choice, since I had him at number 9 on my list.

Mtv's #7: Big Daddy Kane

HumanityCritic Commentary: Even though he was number 3 on my list, his mere mention on any list of Mtv's makes me feel that they stopped having Kurt Loder's personal assistant do any more Hip Hop commentary. Yeah he should have been higher, based on his complex rhyme schemes, how many people site him as an influence, stage presence, and the mere fact that I'm jealous of him because I always wanted to have a "I once fucked Madonna" story in my repotoire.

Mtv's #6: KRS-ONE

HumanityCritic Commentary: Incredibly low in my opinion, but its good that Mtv.... Wait a minute, I shouldn't be grading on a curve based on Mtv's historic wackness when it comes to Hip Hop outside the television show "Yo Mtv Raps", let's check these incompetent fucks. On my list KRS is number two, based on his lyricism, breath control, legendary status, and because I have a perverse pleasure in seeing a deplorable rapper like Nelly get publicly castrated. Granted, it seems that KRS has been acting nuttier than squirrel turds as of late, but that doesn't take away from him being one of the baddest men with a microphone appartus, ever.

Mtv's #5: Nas

HumanityCritic Commentary: Originally number 4 on my list, I have to tell you something about your boy Humanity F Critic. I'm a huge Nas fan, and consider him one of the top MC's ever, but I have to get a daily massage and practice Tai Chi just so I won't get mad that he made that fucking "Oochie Walli" song, or the fact that he did a goddamned song with Ginuine. Stress relievers aside, Nas gets my stamp of approval.


Mtv's #4: Rakim

HumanityCritic Commentary: OK, this is pure blasphemy. No disrespect to the families of the two deceased gentlemen in front of him or Sean Carter himself, but those gentlemen, injected with the same stuff Barry Bonds shot up with, couldn't carry Rakim's lyrical jockstrap on their best day. This is pretty disgusting that they put him at Number 4, but then again you are hearing this from a guy who took four showers after I had a lap-dance from a stripper who didn't quite "smell quite right". But seriously, his legendary status, having one of the best Hip Hop voices out there, and being the most quoted rapper ever, I'm starting to believe Kurt Loder's personal assistant made the call on that one.

Mtv's #3: Notorious B.I.G

HumanityCritic Commentary: I love Biggie, "Ready to Die" is my shit and he dropped some fierce verses on the many mix-tapes that I purchased while he was alive. Also, as you can click on the link and see for yourself, I put him 7th on my personal list. That being said, I do think that Big has been propelled to a stratosphere that he is unworthy of based on his untimely passing. Not only that, when I go back and listen to "Life after Death", I realized that that was a sub-par album to say the least. A friend of mine said that she felt that if Big was still alive that he would be changing that game right now, which is a thought that was comforting to me. But when I said, "What if he lived and continued to wear those shiny ass suits with Mase, and then dropped unimpressive albums to the point that he signed with G-Unit?" By the look on her face it was obvious that my comment wasn't as comforting a thought as hers was.

Mtv's #2:Tupac

HumanityCritic Commentary: If there is one thing I have learned as a blogger it's this, if you talk bad about Tupac expect to get some viscous ass hate mail. I mean, shit that I wrote a year and some change still inspires brilliant personal emails to yours truly stating something like this, and I quote, "YOU DON'T KNOW SHYT!! YOU DON'T FEAL PAC, PAC WAS DA TROOF PATNA!! FUCK YO SHITTY BLOG!!"(I believe the children are the future) That being said I respect Pac, and his fans, I just don't think he belongs in a top ten list based on my personal feelings. He was a great artist who poured his heart out of record, and that is commendable, but when I think about the people he surpassed to get on this list my head feels like it's going to explode. The untimely passing of Pac was unfortunate, and it was a huge loss for Hip Hop, but I refuse to give a brother unnecessary praise based on the grim reaper visiting him before me.

Mtv's #1: Jay-Z

HumanityCritic Commentary: As a person who has came around on Jay-Z as of late, I'm not mad that he is on this list, or the list of anyone who is currently reading my horseshit blog. I mean, he wasn't on my list at all, but I have come to respect Sean Carter for the good MC that he is. But, number 1??? That shit is ridiculous, I'll give him a pass on the biggie "references" he uses, but the mere fact that he openly admitted that he dumbed down his lyrics for album sales leaves a bad taste in my mouth like seeing Mary J Blige without her makeup on. I know it's not all about me, but I feel that the people at Mtv put Jay-Z at the number one spot just to fuck with a chubby dread-locked blogger living in Virginia Beach. What do yall think exactly??

Glaring omission from Mtv's "list"? Kool G Rap

Myspace is Internet Crack!!

You know how people might start smoking cigarettes as a substitute for, lets say, heroin? Then, to kick that nicotine habit, they might start chewing gum as some sort of oral replacement. Well folks, because I put internet porn up there with great inventions like Electricity and Hip Hop, Myspace seems like the only thing that could stop me from touching myself to online filth at such a rate that you think that my testicles had an expiration date on them. Man, besides reconnecting with old friends and meeting new ones, sappy shit like that, you can listen to crappy bands and even crappier MC's. Anyway, because I am a social leper who could count the number of good friends that I have on one hand, even if I was limbless, getting "new friends" provides a certain excitement only felt by a chronic masturbator like yours truly. Anyway, check me out if you enjoy listening to crappy bands as much as I do.

Ask HumanityCritic

Looking back on my 32 years on this earth, it has become quite apparent that I'm not exactly what you'd call a "go to" guy when it comes to answering questions. Whether it was me saying "I was helping my little cousin with her science project!" when being asked by an upset lover why there was so much stripper glitter on me, or me saying "I'm not answering any of your fucking questions without my lawyer, Serpico!" when the officer simply asked me if I knew how fast I was going, it can be difficult getting a straight answer from me. But, because you people are kind enough to come to this miserable blog despite my predisposition for pre-ejaculation, I have no problem baring my soul in the most honest way possible. Here are some of the most recent questions I have been asked.


HumanityCritic, tell me of a recent embarrassing moment?

OK. There is this older lady who frequents my local watering hole who has a crush on me. I was flattered, and she looks good for her age, but she was old enough for me to mistake our possible "love making" for her "tucking me in". So, I told her I had a girlfriend and thought that was the end of it. That was until she ripped me a new one, telling me how I am an asshole and how I should give her a chance. Well, because I had a few too many I said, "Listen, I have one rule. If you were fucking when I was born, your ass is too old!!" I regret that I said that, but who wants the smell of Ben-Gay in their clothes for weeks anyways??

HC, what lesson have you learned since you started blogging?

I learned that some people are always going to hate what you do, and usually those people have the worst fucking blogs imaginable. Trust me on that.

What do you hate the most about blogging?

That people can get away with saying bullshit to you without getting their jaw broken. I know this is the Internet and all, but because of my "hands on" nature it is hard for me to grasp the concept of "ignoring them". Learn from me and be the bigger person, because at least you won't have to regret saying "Let's see if you talk that shit when I beat your ass at a blog meet-up!" I'm officially a geek.

You talk about your crush on Janeane Garofalo, do you think you and her would really work out?

Of course not. I mean, she seems like she would find my potty humor "beneath her", plus I don't think my power drinking would go over too well since she's a recovering alcoholic.

HumanityCritic, a co-worker of mine always disrespects me at my job, and when we are at work functions she is always hitting on my husband. What should I do?

When you aren't at work, and at one of your "work functions", slap the almighty shit out of her. One of those "I'm using the entire force of my body to slap the shit out of you" slap. Listen, since unruly people are like children as long as they are not kept in check, sometimes violence is the only thing people understand. I know its not the most responsible advice, but then again look who you're asking.

OK, hit this one out of the park. How do you feel about Condi Rice?

A modern day Aunt Tomasina to be totally honest. For some reason certain black folks have given her a pass on her incompetence because she is a black women in a high ranking position. Somehow people forget how she was shopping for shoes and watching fucking "Spamalot" during the Katrina crisis, and then they say, "Hey, we have a high ranking black woman doing her thing!!" OK, apply that logic when you need to have heart surgery and the doctor performing said surgery has a string of dead bodies left behind due to his incompetence. But hey, he's a black heart surgeon, right? Get the fuck out of here. More on Condi.

Just providing names, name two overrated individuals.

Tupac Shakur and Rudy Giuliani

What is some of your guilty on-line pleasures?

Besides deviant forms of pornography?? That would be blogs by black republicans, seeing them perform a "soft shoe blackface dance" in the midst of the worst president ever is entertaining as fuck.

What is your biggest fear?

That's easy, being raped in prison. Besides the horrific rape, I'm the type of asshole who would feel the need to blog about the experience, thus losing 75% of my readership.

Based on your acceptance of people off all kinds, you seem secure in your heterosexuality. Am I right about that?

I'm secure in my sexuality, but the fact that I love show tunes, Independent films, and the fact that I can do one killer Cher impression keeps me awake some nights.

Have you watched Lil Kim's show on B.E.T? If you have, what do you think while watching it?

I've only seen two episodes, but a couple thoughts come to mind. 1: Just go to jail already tramp! and 2: How Lil Kim's fan-base should be beaten with a pillowcase full of soda's.

How many women have you been with?


I'm not answering that, not because I'm an extremely private person, but I wouldn't want to dissuade that one woman out there who is on the fence about me, who is mulling the idea of giving me some "Internet patch" over in her head.


I love your blog but sometimes I worry about you. When is the last time you did something that might have cost you your life?

Last week to be totally honest. I was at a party that my friend was throwing at his house and because he has a younger brother, a lot of his friends were there as well. As they smoked their horticulture in the back yard, and I drank some miscellaneous beverage about 10 yards from them, I noticed that they were all packing heat, bragging about their firearms. I don't know what got into me, but I yelled out, "You punk motherfuckers aren't in Beirut, you are in Virginia Beach!!" One of them stepped up and threatened me with violence, so proceeded to tell him politely that if he reached for his gun that I would beat him with it. Well, nothing happened, but it was stupid on my part.

Video of the Day.. Lupe Fiasco: "Kick Push"

If any of you out there feel like an outcast, feel like people don't quite understand you, try being a fucking black skateboarder. My black friends think that my four wheeled hobby makes me nuttier than squirrel shit with Humanity F Critic in a padded room being the remedy, my white friends look at my affection for Ollie's and front-side grinds the same way you might look at a teenager who still has a security blanket, and women on the street who are prime candidates for being my future ex-girlfriends think I'm a bum and that the skateboard is my main source of transportation and not a hobby. If you add to that the store owners who don't want me to skate their handrails or even skate on their property, the cop who gives me shit by saying "Don't you think you are too old to be out here pulling tricks?" with me defiantly responding "You need to ask you wife the same question!", and the young kids who make me feel like father time as they yell out "That was a great trick sir!!" after I pull off double kick-flip Ollie's in front of them. "Sir"? Jesus..

That being said I love skating the same way I love Hip Hop, I'm a polygamist of sorts, on some "Big Love" shit. The following video is the first time I have heard a black guy rap about his love for skateboarding, outside of Pharrell's random "I'm skateboard P" ramblings. The song is pretty cool, and I'm not that up on Lupe Fiasco's material yet, but because of this video capturing the black skateboarding experience perfectly, I will definitely be checking out for his stuff in the future.(*Sidenote* I dig the double meaning in the song, the actually "grinding" you do in skateboarding and the "grinding" in life)

A Tale of Two Songs: Pretty interesting Remakes

Like a girlfriend who once angrily watched me sleep after I had clumsily pre-ejaculated will tell you, I'm not really a fan of doing things over. Maybe because I have the attention span of a coked up 5 year old, or possibly my outlook on life is so bleak that I'm confident that shit just gets worse, rehashing any thing is just bad news in the life of Humanity F. Critic. Like the one time I took back a girlfriend after she cheated because I loved her so much, only to have her fuck a couple of my friends a few months later.(Having my friends say, "We did it to look out for you!!" was truly a Hallmark moment. It got even more touching when I started beating the shit out of them with a pool cue I was holding) Or recently, when I tried to squash a silly internet beef(that I didn't spark off by the way) with a fellow blogger that erupted 7 months ago, with me basically apologizing to her. Rehashing that was a big mistake, since she took that as an opportunity to say silly slick shit in her email exchange with yours truly, a exchange in which I think drained me of well needed I.Q points because of the million bong hits I took in college.

But in music I am a fan of the proverbial "do over" if you will, because it is always interesting to see what angle the artist will take when covering someone else's work. Will it turn out to be uneventful like when Dave Grohl covered Prince's "Darling Nikki", noteworthy like Jodeci's cover of Stevie Wonder's "Lately", or will at least be interesting?? Well, here are some remakes that I personally find interesting, what do you think?


Artist: Red Hot Chili Peppers
Song: "Higher Ground"(watch remake)
Originally performed by Stevie Wonder(watch original)

Covering Stevie Wonder's music is no great feat, so difficult in fact that attempting to do so can leave the artist in question looking like a pair of tits to be totally honest. With the case of "Higher Ground", Anthony Keides must have a giant set of balls to tackle a Stevie Wonder classic of this calibre. The original version, the one sung beautifully by the man born Steveland Morris, gives you a funky synthesized track, sprinkled with rock sensibilities leaving anyone with a pulse nodding their head like they were in a fucking rhyme cypher. One would think, on paper that is, that those 4 white boys from the west coast would have trouble duplicating the magic of a song that delved into religion, spirituality, and the forces of good conquering evil.

But like Michael McDonald, Eminem, and Larry Bird would surely tell me, never doubt a white boy with pure soul running through their veins. The Chili Peppers hit you with a driving, infectious version of the Wonder classic, truly putting their stamp of approval on this track. The guitar riffs, the way they all sing the chorus, Keides' vocal presence on the track, and that amazing fucking bass playing by flea definitely is in heavy rotation in my IPOD. Interesting side-note, Stevie Wonder claims that this is his favorite covered song so far. You can't beat a seal of approval from one of the greatest musicians ever.

Artist: System of a Down(watch remake)
Song: "Metro"
Originally performed by Berlin(watch original)

The mere fact that I'm an 80's baby makes me reminisce on a few things, George Michael's "heterosexuality", the mark of the beast that was "Reaganomics", my undying love for Lisa Lisa, and the shitload of random rock songs that are stuck in my cranium from that decade. My sister, because she was into a lot of new wave rock besides the obvious Prince and Michael Jackson choices, was a big part of the reason I have a diverse taste today. That being said, I don't know whether to thank her because I know great tunes like Berlin's "Metro", or to curse her because of how many people think I'm gay because of my heartfelt renditions of "Careless Whisper" on karaoke night. Anyways, System of a Downs version of this 80's classic is superb in the way it starts off as a mellow tune, for them that is, then they remind you "We're System of a Down Motherfucker!!" and within moments they erupt into their frenzied, manic version. Serj Tankian takes a step from his normal melodic style and belts out a punk-like rage on the microphone, Daron Malakian's wizardry on the guitar, the driving force behing the drums that is John Dolmayan, and the heart-pounding bass-riffs by Shavo Odadjian will convert even Three-6 mafia fans.

Artist: Anthrax feat. Public Enemy(watch remake)
Song: "Bring the Noise"
Originally performed by Public Enemy(Listen to original)

Okay, I know the fact the original artist is involved in the remake makes this more like a remix, but cut me a fucking break already. Like Stevie Wonder, I have a respect for Chuck D that is unparalleled, that is why I feel anyone who dares remake any Public Enemy tunes is walking on sacred ground. Besides Chuck giving virtual sermons on wax, you have a man who did conscious Hip Hop when it wasn't commercial viable, on top of that I love the fact that he said, "We knew we had a great Hip Hop group when women hated it." "Bring the Noise" is a classic P.E song, where besides Chuck D's attack on political leaders and popular radio(amongst other targets), the song really shows off Chuck's verbal gymnastics that he successfully dismounted on all you motherfuckers.(talk about sticking a landing) Anthrax's version, with Chuck D rapping the first verse and Anthrax's Scott Ian providing the last two, are a sonic cluster-fuck that will leave headbangers and headnodders begging for more like that fucking Oliver kid. For me personally this was the first time that I saw that the marriage between Rock and Rap could be a happy one(Sorry, I love Run DMC, but I never dug "walk this way") where it spawned other happy unions like "Rage Against the Machine", it also spawned wack dysfunctional ones like "Limp Bizkit".

I always wondered why Scott Ian didn't do all three verses. I mean, I love Chuck, but it would have worked without him. Oh, I get it, if Scott did the first verse it would have forced a white guy to say "Farrakhan's a prophet", I understand.

*SideNote* The drum loop at the end of the song, I use that snippet as my alarm clock in the morning.

Artist: Dynamite Hack(watch remake)
Song: "Boyz in da Hood"
Originally performed by Easy E(listen to original)

I'm going to make some Hip Hop fans mad with this, but, since Hip Hop is so dependent on the writing prowess of the MC, do we deduct points from their historical relevance if they didn't pen their hits? I mean, how can anyone put Lil Kim on any Top Ten MC's list, any fucking list for that matter, when it is evident that she has wrote virtually nothing since she has been on the scene? I love Biz Markie and he is a legend, but the mere fact that Big Daddy Kane wrote most of his hits has to be at least included in the argument, right? Even though Easy E wouldn't be on any of my lists in the first place, bless the dead, the fact that Ice Cube wrote basically everything that came out Eric Wright's mouth during his tenure with N.W.A has to at least be relevant. That being said, hearing Easy E in the song "Boyz in da hood" makes me realize that the "Hip hop is forcing young kids to do bad things" argument is a ridiculous one. I was a kid from the suburbs, both parents, middle class, when I heard Easy talking about early morning drinking, pulling a chick by her weave, shooing a friend with a 12 gauge, and shit like that, I knew that those things were never going to be on any of my "to do" lists in Virginia Beach Virginia.(Even though, I did once knock out a girls father though)

The fact that "Dynamite Hack" would sing that great Easy E tune in a "Jack Johnson, surf rock" sort of way is hilarious to me. I actually heard this easy going remake in a grocery store of all places, as I was in line buying groceries I loudly asked the old lady in front of me, like she'd know, "Are they singing "Boyz in the fucking hood"??

*Sidenote* How do I know who Jack Johnson is you ask? Well, I thought I was going to see Mos Def's rock band "Black Jack Johnson" when I was actually at the concert of Jack Johnson. Yes, reading is fundamental.

Superhero's true identity exposed!(Sorry, this was a dream I had)

Like a prostitute who gives "mouth hugs" while high on crack, it really sucks when a good friend tries to pull a fast on on you. I understand that people have things that they would like to keep to themselves, my good friends don't know that a sexual fantasy of mine is having my lover dress up like an Oompa-Loompa for Christs sake, but when shit gets obvious it's time to drop the charade already. Like my friend Henry who I knew was gay, not because he cross-dressed and had a penchant for singing show tunes, but he talked about his sexual exploits with women too much. We could be watching a Lakers game and out of nowhere he would say, "Do you know how many holes I would plug up on that Laker Girl there!!!", then he would randomly say, "Boy, I sure love P*ssy!" What straight man talks like that? But I have to be honest, it just wasn't about his favorite topic being the vagina, it had something to do with his sister telling me that his favorite pastimes currently were movies, playing music, and his boyfriends penis.

But I was offended, offended because he knew that I wouldn't diss him if he came out to me, carrying on with this unnecessary acting routine. Because I'm an insufferable prick I thought about testing him, saying highly homophobic shit to see his reaction, or have lengthy discussions with him on how I would disassociate myself with anyone I knew who was gay, but I didn't have the heart for those mean spirited tactics so I just called him and simply said, "Dude, I know you play for the pink team, so fucking what??" After a few minutes of denials he came clean, and asked me "How did you know??" When I started rattling off instances, like that time he mistakenly told me what the food specials were at the gay bar, the time I heard him say, "Damn, his sexy ass looks like Maxwell!", and when I pointed out that no straight man is a fan of Cher he quickly interrupted with, "Alright.. Alright!!!".

I only segued that story because of a dream I had a few nights ago that, good or bad, I had to write about. I dreamt that I was an investigative reporter doing a story entitled "Superhero's friends speak out!!", where the friends of superheros talk about how they always knew the identity of their crime solving friends, despite their lack luster attempt to shield their true identity. This is probably a stupid idea, but I figured that if I didn't get this ridiculous idea out that my head explodes. Today we will do Superman and Spiderman.

Friends of Superman Speak out:
HumanityCritic: How did you know Superman's true identity??

Lois Lane: Are you shitting me? Listen HC, Superman is great and all but he isn't exactly the sharpest tool in the shed.

HumanityCritic: What do you mean exactly?

Lois Lane: He's the only jackass on the planet who thinks that a pair of glasses changes his appearance. I don't know what they think a proper disguise is on Krypton, but here on earth a pair of god-damed bifocals just ain't cutting it.

HumanityCritic: What else?

Jimmy Olsen: I got one, I got one!! His "cover" is that he's a reporter here at the Daily Planet right? Well, I don't know what he has on Perry White our editor-in-chief, he must have photos of him in drag or some shit, but Clark is on the fucking payroll and hasn't written a story in years!! Fucking hack, do you know that bastard has a blog?

HumanityCritic: Really? What's it about?

Jimmy Olsen: His "relationship" with Superman and how Superman is "misunderstood". You believe that shit? I guess it's not a smoking gun or anything, but it seems rather suspicious to me that Clark is the 1st friend listed on Superman's Myspace page. The thing is, it's the same fucking picture!!

HumanityCritic: Lois, I thought you and the man of steel had a thing going on??

Lois: Hey, Superman is a stud and I really wanted to see if he really was "the man of steel" and all, but I kind of like breathing.

HumanityCritic: Explain.

Lois:(turning to Jimmy with a smirk on her face) This dumb ass wants me to explain, OK. The mere fact that every woman that Clark has gone home with has NEVER BEEN SEEN AGAIN is a sure sign that I don't want him in the same zip-code as my vagina. I'd probably be better off sticking a lit stick of dynamite in there.

Jimmy Olsen: But it is fun to call him Kal-El and see him mistakenly respond to it, or putting some kryptonite in his desk and laughing as he moans like a bitch all day.

Lois: Haha, that is funny though.

(Superman flies through the window)

Superman: What the fuck are you bitches talking about??

Lois, Jimmy, HumanityCritic: Ohh Shit!!

(The interview ends with the three of them scattering like roaches with the lights on. HumanityCritic isn't scared of much, but that's Superman, that's a whole other level of beat-down)

A Friend of Spiderman Speaks out!!
HumanityCritic: So, what is your relationship with Spiderman exactly?

Bridgette: Peter?? Um, lets just say that I am his "Nocturnal Rendezvous".

HumanityCritic: What the fuck, why didn't you just say fuck buddy or booty call?? What happened to Mary Jane anyways??

Bridgette: You're an asshole, you know that?(rolling eyes, sounding bored) Look, whenever Pete and Mary were going through their problems Pete would see me to, "Relax".

HumanityCritic: You mean Fuck?

Bridgette: No I did his taxes, of course you jackass.

HumanityCritic: How did you know he was Spiderman?

Bridgette: Besides him constantly suggesting that he wear tights to spice up our love life?

HumanityCritic: Yeah.

Bridgette: It was mostly sexual stuff. How can I say this?? Um, when he would climax he would shoot out..he would shoot out..

HumanityCritic: He came a fucking web!!! How cool is that!!

Bridgette: You think that's cool, try being stuck to your bed for 2 hours!

HumanityCritic: Yeah, that must suck..

Bridgette: Speaking of "suck", when he wanted me to orally satisfy him he would try to convince me by saying, "With great power comes great responsibility!!!" What am I, a god-damned superfriend??

HumanityCritc: Well, if you are skilled enough to have Spiderman begging for it I'm sure I can get you an application to the Justice League. "The Head Heroin" has a great ring to it, don't you agree?

Bridgette: Man, Fuck you..

3 Random Thoughts

I saw DMX on some show on Mtv a couple of days ago and he said that a "Belly 2" was in the works. DMX, I like you and all, but don't! From the baby oil baths Hype Williams made his actors take, the bad directorial camera angle choices, the choppy dialogue, and even though I'm a Nas guy, he's not exactly Robert fucking DeNiro. I'd be willing to see another Police Academy sequel, hey, that black guy who makes all the noises is talented!

A week ago, when letting comments go in the moderation phase of my email, I saw someone who had a problem with the Duke rape post that I did. Disagreement is good, plus I could have poked holes in his assessment anyways. Then I went to his message board and saw, when referring to me and my post, that he said "I so wish I could press a button and force the people who write things like this to appear in front of me to answer for such nonsense." Then went on to preface his response to me there with " My response to his blog, which he may well not publish". Huh? Sure, I'm in the habit of letting comments go from guys who, albeit cowardly behind a computer screen, threatened me. Man, fuck you. But, I know what would happen if I "magically" appeared in front of you, I'd "magically" drag your ass out of your fucking house and... Forget it, I forgot that I'm behind a computer screen as well.

(actual picture of culprit) Hearing the unfortunate news of the passing of D12 member Proof to a gunshot wound to the head a couple of days back, it made me think about my best friend Buddy's passing in a similar fashion and the killer who is still loose. If you see this motherfucker, don't throat chop him or anything(if something bad happened to any of you based on my bullshit I would never forgive myself) but contact the authorities immediately. R.I.P Buddy R.I.P Proof

I Declare This, Will Smith Appreciation Day!!!

Sometimes, like the alcoholic who has been intoxicated for a decade straight that suddenly decides to sober up when he finds himself laying beside a woman who looks like Biz Markie, my IPOD has brought a sort of "moment of clarity" concerning some musical artists as of late. Like Saigon, who I feel is dope lyrically, but I just fucking hope that he doesn't follow the same career path of another artist who had a great deal of hype around them as well, one who always has his shirt off and made a vomit inducing song called "Candy Shop". Or Jay-Z, who's commercial songs will still never be in my IPOD, but listening to many of his songs I realized that I was overly critical of an obviously sound lyricist.

But something miraculous happened when a friend gave me a shitload of Will Smith CD'S, leaving it on my doorway like an abandoned baby with a cryptic "Yoda"-like note saying, "When this Will Smith material you listen, legendary you will find him!" Besides me having geeky friends who's main preoccupation is possibly masturbating to "The Empire Strikes Back", I took the CD's inside and it sat there for about 3 weeks. I mean, I've never been a Will Smith hater so I didn't see his need to "convert" me, so instead of simply listening to what he had given me I felt that my time could be used more economically, downloading triple penetration porn and drunk calling married ex-girlfriends.

I must say though, as I stumbled out of bed one Sunday morning dealing with a massive hangover, going through my pockets wondering why is it that when I black out I always find phone numbers without Gender specific names(Terry, Shannon, Jamie. Fuck, Ray better be short for Raylene), I decided to pop in a few of those Will Smith CD's in my disk-changer. Even though my head was banging like gang members in Little Rock, or the posterior area of Buffie the Body, I found myself nodding my head to stuff I overlooked because of me preferring Big Daddy Kane at the time. I found myself reciting the words to songs I ignored when they were released, me thinking that Will Smith was soft and being a NWA fan at the time. Based on the sheer dopeness of "Brand New Funk" and a few other factors that I will go into momentarily, I realized something that will rock the proverbial worlds of Crunk enthusiasts and backpackers alike. OK, here goes, Will Smith is Real Hip Hop.

I also realized that I owe Will Smith an apology, not because I have been overly critical, but I have unfairly ignored him on some "Jan Brady, middle child" shit. It seems that while embracing the accomplishments of the older sibling(Old School Hip Hop) and spending a great deal of time trying to discipline the unruly younger child(Current radio Hip Hop), it seems that I showed my piss poor parenting skills by overlooking the middle child and their accomplishments.(Will Smith, and artists of his ilk)

Just think about it, when artists like Young Jeezy and 50 Cent try to con the masses that their criminal rap sheet equals lyrical credibility, that mere notion makes Will Smith begins to look like Africa Bambaataa and shit. For those who applauded the shit-stain in history that is the Three-Six mafia and their winning of the Oscar award(An award that they use to get into clubs by the way), and the way Jon Stewart(a guy that I like) laugh AT them setting my people back 150 years, I affectionately think back on how DJ Jazzy Jeff and Will Smith boycotted the Grammy awards because they refused to televise the Hip Hop portion. For all those who see an artist like Ice Cube's transformation from one of Hip Hop's elite with biting social commentary to a guy with with sub-par lyrics and a flick entitled "Are we there yet?" as "maturing", Will Smith has stayed consistent over the body of his career.

Listen, even though I think that him passing up the lead role in "The Matrix" over being in "The Wild Wiled West" is a mortal fucking sin, and I'm not the biggest fan of his most recent musical stylings, at the end of the day he is a guy who loves real Hip Hop and has stayed true to himself.(That's a lot more than I can say for your garden variety dickhead now playing on a local radio station near you)

A brief story about how I got put in my place.

It's funny how you can live a couple of houses down from somebody and even though you waive occasionally, you never speak to them. Well, as I was drinking a pitcher of beer in the shit-hole that I call my neighborhood bar, fucking with the band that was hired to play by loudly saying in a thick country accent "Play 'Free-bird'!! You No good, lousy Sums-a-bitches", I found myself sitting next to a kid who looked real familiar. I would usually ask "Where do I know you from?", but because this watering hole is directly across the street from a gay bar, and the fact that I was wearing my Janeane Garofalo "Girls Rock!" T-shirt, I was afraid that it might come across as some sort of pickup line. So I just sat there, racking my brain trying to figure out how I know this dude who looks like an extra in a Blink 182 video, then suddenly he said, "What's up man?? I live two houses down from you!!" Even though I thought he was still a teenager he informed me that he was 22(Time flies), so we spent the next hour discussing music, politics, and the new Latina neighbor that we both would like to get to know "biblicly".(Even though I was embarrassed to learn that his father died after I said, "Where is your no-good ass Daddy anyways?? That cocksucker owes me 40 bucks form a game we bet on!!" How embarrassing)

Anyway, because he could hardly stand I decided to take him home.(Don't give me any medals, he walked there in the first place.) As I dropped him off at his house he said, "Man, you're really cool!! We have to hang out on a regular basis.." I paused, cringed, and because I didn't want to corrupt an impressionable mind I said, "I don't think so dude, I'm 32, you're 22.." But before I could elaborate on what I meant, he threw his hands up in a drunken stooper, and said "You act as if we're fucking!!!!" He shut me up because he had a point, I never knew that meeting neighbors could be so much fun..

A Sad Fact: I've been planning my Wedding Day for 25 Years..

When I'm not downloading criminal amounts of Internet smut, verbally throwing unruly haters of my blog under the bus, or holding tribal rituals in my house in hopes of the Lakers making the playoffs this year, I am thinking about the day that I walk down the isle in wedding bliss. OK, let me be honest here, I have got to be the only straight male in the history of man that has thought about his wedding day his entire life. Hey, the "Diatribe" isn't all about throat-chops and Hip Hop, there are certain things about my personality to let you know that I'm indeed a sensitive guy.(Or a "pussy", let my mother tell it.) Even though I have yet to meet my future wife, so I don't know what she would think of my concept of what an "ideal wedding" is, this is my image of how my wedding will go before she begins to undermine my master plan. But if she fails to thwart my plan of a HumanityCritic-style wedding, it sure will be fun telling the people in attendance who frown upon my wedding decisions, "It's my day bitch!!"

Choosing a Church: I love my city of Virginia Beach, I really do, but in the same way you love a drug addict sibling who you still love despite them constantly stealing your household appliances for that crack rock.(Republican area, overzealous cops, women with high moral standards) That being said, when I have envisioned my wedding day over the past 20 plus years there is no other place I would have it but my home city. The problem is that I'm catholic, nothing wrong with that, but lets just say that I am unwelcome in the few houses of worship in my area where Catholicism is the main topic of discussion. From me telling one member of the clergy that "he isn't god's messenger" when he tried to endorse Bush to his black congregation, the time I inappropriately cracked some "child molestation" jokes by saying that "the words 'daycare center' and 'catholic priests' are a toxic mix!" around a few members of clergy, and the one time I beat a guys ass in the parking lot during a church service shows you that me finding a fitting church will be difficult. I know there are plenty of places I could hold my wedding, it doesn't have to be exclusively a Catholic church, but at this rate of pissing off churches it wouldn't be surprised if my wedding is held in a fucking Recreation center.

I don't know, I'm probably the only person who thinks that is actually a good idea, but there is something cool about a overweight coach coming on the basketball court, blowing his whistle then saying, "(Whistle)OK guys, practice is over. You know that they are throwing that HumanityCritic wedding at noon". But seriously, I'm sure I will find a beautiful church to have my wedding in, even if I have to slide some bastard priest a few greenbacks on the side to make that happen.

Choosing a DJ: If you have read this miserable blog for only a few fleeting seconds a few things become obvious, I have a temper, I'm a chubby black guy, and I am an insufferable prick when it comes to what music I like and what I consider to be horseshit. That being said, choosing the right DJ, to me, would be one of the most important things on my "to do" list outside of drunkenly having sex with my new bride post wedding. I would have a lengthy interview process, where I not only go through their various crates of vinyl, but I'd also ask them various questions about Hip Hop and who their favorite rappers are. OK, you think that MC Hammer's extreme lyricism was overlooked? Next! You think Tupac was the best rapper ever? Shit man, Next!! Rakim isn't even in your top 10 of all time MC's? Motherfucker Next!! Three-6 mafia is your favorite group? (grabbing them by their throat)Get your goddamn ass out of here before I Mame you!!

After I find the proper candidate, I'd have to warn him that if he plays anything by any rapper who shows their "grill" like its an accomplishment, the macarena, or any shit like that, I will break a chair across his face in the middle of his mix. I know I'm an asshole, but I would get on the mic even before he plays the first record and warn everyone, including my momma, that if they request any bullshit that they will be on the business end of a beating as well.(OK, my mama gets a pass, only because she has a severely accurate right hook)

Choosing the food: Even though my asshole tendencies make me want to have a menu of the unhealthiest, greasiest, meat laden variety just so I can see all my vegan friends look at me like lost puppies grasping their empty plates, just so I can say, "It's my day bitch!!!" But I won't do that, I will have a wide variety of spreads to accommodate everyone, even though it's "my day" its the least I could do for my family or friends. But since I'm still a scumbag, I would make sure the meat and other unhealthy spreads would be served in a very elaborate table setting with beautiful silverware and shit, while the grub for the vegan peeps would be served in a shabby, moldy tent. I know, it's petty, but at least they would know my stance on non-carnivores.

The Wedding: I know this is bad, but I don't see my wife and I coming out to the same boring, badly tuned rendition of "here comes the bride" , or any other traditional wedding nonsense. I see the house DJ, yes house DJ, playing LL Cool J's "I need love" or A Tribe Called Quest "Electric Relaxation" as we come out, hoping that my family and friends that I invited remembered to wear their Kangols and Shell-Toes in support of our happy union. I'm sure as me and my bride to be look into each others eyes, me noticing her beautiful wedding dress, and her "door knocker" earrings and MC Lyte hairstyle from 1988. Her looking into my eyes, sweet ass tux equipped with a black medallion around my neck, and parts in my eyebrows like Big Daddy Kane at the height of his career.

Even though I'm not sure if his ass is even a legitimate reverend, but Revrun would be the man marrying us that day. Despite my begging and pleading, even payment, I'm sure he wouldn't grant my request of loudly saying "This is my motherfucking house!!" like he did in "Krush Groove".(Him being a revered and all) After we freestyle our vows and make-out like dogs in heat in front of a few hundred people, with me inappropriately putting my hand up her wedding dress, the crowd would go bat-shit with excitement. As we leave the church I will be on guard for my friend Charlie, who wants revenge, because when he got married I thought it would be funny if I threw a big lump of cooked rice at him and his bride. Some people just can't take a fucking joke.

Just a few Random thoughts..

Am I the only person who has the sudden need to smash Wilder Valderrama in the face with a brick?? I guess that anger stems from me seeing a new show he hosts entitled "Yo Momma" where people basically play the dozens. Not only is it cheesy, but you feel the collective raping of a culture the same way they had the Flintstones characters rapping in a cereal commercial, or how stores actually came out with "Grunge-wear". But momma jokes are one thing, but at the end of the show actually people's mothers who are in attendance are the source of ridicule. Fuck that, that's the best way to get a motherfucker paralyzed.

While watching "Flavor of Love" a few weeks back, I realized the the name doesn't fit the show. The show should have been titled "Vh1's Fear Factor", because any chick who can french kiss Flava Flav and not throw up should win some fucking prize.

I love me a thick woman, the more "cushion for the pushin'" I say, but I have a message for comedian Monique. "I fucking get it, your a big girl and you're proud!! Jesus.."

Tom Delay claims that he wants to relocate to Virginia which is bad news for obvious reasons. The bright side is that at least I have another person to add to my "people's lawns to defecate on" list along with Pat Robertson.

I'm I the only one who is sick and tired of those ass-hats who are behind "South Park"? I mean, I agree with them on the whole Isaac Hayes thing, but their whole "we hate celebrities who speak out on issues because we are so 'outside the box" shtick is getting as weak as a Courtney Love attempt at sobriety when you still conquer those same topics in your cartoon. It gets even worse when Matt Stone bashed Chappelle's choice to walk away from his show by saying, "It's like, 'Dude, everyone wants to fucking walk away. But you don't, because that's lame.'" What's even lamer is you not knowing what it feels like to have an entire race on your shoulders jackass.

Red Hot Chili Peppers Video: "Dani California"

This is the new video by the Red Hot Chili Peppers entitled "Dani California", the song is pretty cool, it's just good to see them come out with some new material. In an age where "mall" rock groups bombard the charts, dudes who couldn't fight their way out of a paper bag, and think that having an awkward hairstyle and wearing eyeliner makes them "Rock and Roll", it's get to see the veteran rockers come back to hold it down. Have I told you how Anthony Keides saved my life once?

When Rappers get all mushy and shit.. Hip Hop Love Songs

Through the course of my 32 years on this planet I have learned some valuable lessons from Hip Hop that will stay with me forever. Q-Tip advised me of what Industry Rule "#4080" was, Kool G Rap vividly exposed me to the age old tradition of wiping ones bodily fluids on a woman's drapery, Biggie informed me to "stay low and keep firing" in case I was ever in the midst of a gun battle, and the hardest MC's showed me that it is OK to express yourself openly when it comes to love. I'm not talking about that "I'm in love with a stripper" shit either, where the crappy singer in question battles his affection for erotic dancers while dealing with stripper stench and glitter that comes along with a love of that magnitude. I'm talking about legitimate rhymesayers, men so secure with themselves that they have no problem discussing the various ways to detach your skull from your body on Side A, and their affection for the opposite sex on Side B. Here are a few of my favorites.

Slick Rick: "Teenage Love": Whenever I hear this song immediately I am zapped back to Kempsville High School "Quantum Leap" style during that 1988/89 year, where a day in the life of Humanity F Critic involved Hip Hop, an obsession with women, and chronic masturbation brought on by women that I lusted after who wouldn't piss on me if I was on fire.(Wow, how little things change) In Slick Rick's song "Teenage Love", he tackles what seems to be the the common motif in Hip Hop songs about issues of the heart, a once blooming relationship turning from sugar to shit. But this London born rapper goes deeper, really striking a cord with me with lines like "get back on your feet with a hop and a skip/ but no you'd rather go with this dead relationship", based on the many times I tried to beat a dead horse when I knew that the relationship I was in actually ended a long time ago.

Unfortunately, this song brings back some bad memories as well. Like the time that my best friend at the time named Ron, myself, and a chick that I had openly lusted over the whole year named Gloria went to Ron's house after a half day of exam taking. We had a great time, got high, watched cartoons, laughed about the monotony and minutia of high school life, a great time was had by all. Especially Ron and Gloria, who somehow made their way to Ron's bedroom where he knocked those boots from "here to Albuquerque", loudly I might add, with a girl who I had drawn pictures of in the English notebook because of the extreme crush that I had on her. I would have left, because her screams of pleasure melted my heart with each moan, but Ron lived far away, so laziness truped heartbreak that day. On the way home Ron and Gloria were silent, knowing that I was pissed because the guy who I told about my feelings for Gloria just penetrated her, and I don't mean mentally. To add insult to injury, "Teenage Love" came on Ron's car radio as he dropped me off, causing me to scream "You have got to be fucking kidding me!!!" in my driveway.(Video/)

**Extras: Notice how tight Slick Rick's mink coat is in the video..

Eric B and Rakim: "Mahogany": This is where I might need help from some of you real Hip Hop fans out there, because I'm not sure if this tune qualifies as a "love song" or a "lust song". Like I said before, regardless of how many tribute albums that Biggie and Tupac come out with, this man is the greatest MC of all time. That being said, when I first heard him go into detail describing his rendezvous with a woman who was either a one night stand or his future wife, he signalled to me that it was OK for a man to break down his innermost feelings. That booming Bass drum that wears you down like water torture, the crisp high hat that reminds you of a ticking clock, or the beautiful horn samples, it takes you to the "Palladium" where Rakim met the lady in question who he intended on getting "soft and warm" with. This might go over the heads of your garden variety "Laffy Taffy" enthusiast, or any miserable soul who has ever purchased a "Dem Franchize Boyz" album, but when Rakim says to the woman "Each moment's a mineral, poetry's protein/ Verse is a vitamin - Affects like Codeine" you knew that those pantie's were coming off that night.

But on a personal note, whenever I'm out on the town and having a deep conversation with a woman I just met, one who isn't after free drinks or has a primal need to tell me how much my "blog sucks", I tend to have this song playing in my head.(Audio)

*Quick Tip: Playing this song is the best way to figure out if your stereo system is worth a shit or not.

Gang Starr: "Love Sick": I love this song, not only because you can't do wrong with a DJ Premiere produced track, but because I can relate to the words Guru speaks in this song so much. As he describes a beautiful relationship running its course, due to his insensitivity and her jealousy, it is like the Gang Starr member was reading my personal diary. He also shows how heartbroken he is, knowing the relationship is ending and how he has to end it based on her antics, but he still loves her with all his heart.

For some reason, I don't know why, but this song reminds me of how I am the last meaningful boyfriend of all my ex's that are currently married. I swear, if I am thanked one more time for showing my ex's "what a true asshole is" or teaching them "what love is about", I think I'll go on a fucking killing spree.(Audio)

*Also check out "Ex to the Next"

LL Cool J: "I need Love": Full disclosure here: For the longest time, even until a few years ago, I thought that this was the corniest Hip Hop record ever to grace a DJ's turntables. But now that I'm older I feel that this was a rather ballsy choice for the man with the name James Todd Smith on his birth certificate. I have changed my position on this tune so much in fact that I plan to have this song be my wedding song when me and my wife walk down the aisle, with the lookers-on all wearing Kangol hats in the best B-Boy stance.

Not to hate on LL or anything, but unlike the other love songs that seem to be more of a purging of one's soul on wax, "I Need Love" seems like something he concocted just to get even more ass on those lonely nights when his tour bus stopped in some Podunk town in the late 80's. But I can't knock him though, as a guy who hasn't had steady ass since the Clinton administration, I am about to open up my heart in the name of Hip Hop as well. But the song is very useful when testing a woman that I am having feelings for, because if I quote LL by simply saying "Girl, listen to me .When I be sittin in my room all alone, staring at the wall fantasies, they go through my mind and..." and she doesn't get the reference, it's time to show her ass the fucking door.(Video)

Extras:
*Notice the uber cheesiness of the video?
*Why can I hear the "I'm Bad" chorus scratching during the "I need love" chorus in my head.
* This is unrelated, but did it ever bother anyone that in the song "I'm Bad" the police dispatcher describes LL as a "Tall light-skinned brother with dimples"?? That has got to be the gayest dispatcher ever..

***ADDITIONS***

Pete Rock and C.L Smooth: "Lots of Lovin":(suggested by koranteng) When you hear this song, you immediately think that CL Smooth's lyrics totally embody what the ideal relationship would be. His admiration for his mate, the way he talks about looking at her in the morning, the various ways he wanted to express his love for her, and other romantic sentiments that could fill up a box of Hall mark cards, it sounds like a relationship that good could only be fiction.(Or that "good phase" of every relationship) But for a guy who has unsatisfied more women than a possible Mary J Blige Polka album, this song takes me to an imaginary place where I'm not such a fucking social leper.(Video/Audio)

A Tribe Called Quest: "Bonita Applebum":(suggested by Brother Omi) Probably one of the purest, most brutally honest declarations of a man's love for a woman ever put on wax. Ladies, for all the guys out there who claim they want to get to know you but is hiding behind the guise of being the "sincere guy", you can't beat a guy telling you that he digs your mind, your style, and that he admires your body to the point that he hopes to have you counting ceiling tiles later. Men beware though, even though I've seen this song get women all nostalgic to the point that clothes might be removed later, you really have to be careful what kind of women you are playing this for. Case in point, one night I had taken my date out for a very romantic night, eating fried chicken in a bad part of town, and power drinking until we drunkenly told each other what we would do with each other sexually.(Yep, I'm a romantic) Later on at the crib, I popped in "Bonita Applebum" to get her in the mood. When she said, "What in the fuck is that?? Put in some Avant!!" I knew I had to get rid of her ass. I mean, after I put in her Avant Cd and clumsily thrusted on top of her, THEN she had to go.(Audio)

Mitch Hedberg

A few days ago marked the one year anniversary of the passing of one of my favorite comedians, Mitch Hedberg. To be honest I always hated when people celebrated someones death, it always seemed as inappropriate as someone smoking a Kool's while attending a lung cancer support group, but if I can hip people on Mitch's comedy then that's all the better. R.I.P Mitch.

Come up with a Caption to this Picture.

Ladies and Gentleman, the man pictured above loves me, I mean really loves me. I'm talking a , "on my dick like pubic lice" kind of love. Let me explain. Over the past few months I have had the wonderful opportunity to hear his critique of my writing(even though his drivel is as exciting as an obituary), his complaint about my Chappelle post saying that he is a "minstrel show"(even though the picture of him above makes his viewpoint seem hypocritical, in a "what's wrong with being righteous and wearing black-face at the same time" sort of way), the mental capacity of my readership(even though 2 people are linked to his blog according to technorati), and he goes on about how I'm "undeserving" of my awards"(even though he holds my site hostage on what I describe to be the "Worst Blog ring Ever") Yeah, I know, I know. Jealousy is the best form of flattery, I hear you. But in an age where you can anonymously hide behind a computer screen and talk shit, safe from having a sock stuffed in your mouth while slicing your Achilles tendon, or being beaten bloody with a bag of soda's, I'd thought I'd have some fun with this jackass, who probably moonlights as an online sexual predator of children in his spare time when he's not masturbating to my blog. Sorry that I'm not providing his name, or his Addy, but I have no intentions to give this guy any publicity outside of me showing a picture of what he looks like on Friday nights to earn his rent money.(that explains the stretch marks around the lips) I simply call him a hobbit, a black hobbit, "Douche-Baggins" if you will.

*Just a sidenote: If you criticize Chappelle as a "minstrel show" when you "coon-it-up" like the gentleman in the picture did, or support a Oscar winning rap group who currently is using their awards to get inside of clubs, you immediately lack credibility. Just my opinion.

Anyway, here is the task for all of you. Come up with the best caption for the picture at the top of this post. It will be interesting to see what you come up with.