Like a prostitute who gives "mouth hugs" while high on crack, it really sucks when a good friend tries to pull a fast on on you. I understand that people have things that they would like to keep to themselves, my good friends don't know that a sexual fantasy of mine is having my lover dress up like an Oompa-Loompa for Christs sake, but when shit gets obvious it's time to drop the charade already. Like my friend Henry who I knew was gay, not because he cross-dressed and had a penchant for singing show tunes, but he talked about his sexual exploits with women too much. We could be watching a Lakers game and out of nowhere he would say, "Do you know how many holes I would plug up on that Laker Girl there!!!", then he would randomly say, "Boy, I sure love P*ssy!" What straight man talks like that? But I have to be honest, it just wasn't about his favorite topic being the vagina, it had something to do with his sister telling me that his favorite pastimes currently were movies, playing music, and his boyfriends penis.
But I was offended, offended because he knew that I wouldn't diss him if he came out to me, carrying on with this unnecessary acting routine. Because I'm an insufferable prick I thought about testing him, saying highly homophobic shit to see his reaction, or have lengthy discussions with him on how I would disassociate myself with anyone I knew who was gay, but I didn't have the heart for those mean spirited tactics so I just called him and simply said, "Dude, I know you play for the pink team, so fucking what??" After a few minutes of denials he came clean, and asked me "How did you know??" When I started rattling off instances, like that time he mistakenly told me what the food specials were at the gay bar, the time I heard him say, "Damn, his sexy ass looks like Maxwell!", and when I pointed out that no straight man is a fan of Cher he quickly interrupted with, "Alright.. Alright!!!".
I only segued that story because of a dream I had a few nights ago that, good or bad, I had to write about. I dreamt that I was an investigative reporter doing a story entitled "Superhero's friends speak out!!", where the friends of superheros talk about how they always knew the identity of their crime solving friends, despite their lack luster attempt to shield their true identity. This is probably a stupid idea, but I figured that if I didn't get this ridiculous idea out that my head explodes. Today we will do Superman and Spiderman.
Friends of Superman Speak out:
HumanityCritic: How did you know Superman's true identity??
Lois Lane: Are you shitting me? Listen HC, Superman is great and all but he isn't exactly the sharpest tool in the shed.
HumanityCritic: What do you mean exactly?
Lois Lane: He's the only jackass on the planet who thinks that a pair of glasses changes his appearance. I don't know what they think a proper disguise is on Krypton, but here on earth a pair of god-damed bifocals just ain't cutting it.
HumanityCritic: What else?
Jimmy Olsen: I got one, I got one!! His "cover" is that he's a reporter here at the Daily Planet right? Well, I don't know what he has on Perry White our editor-in-chief, he must have photos of him in drag or some shit, but Clark is on the fucking payroll and hasn't written a story in years!! Fucking hack, do you know that bastard has a blog?
HumanityCritic: Really? What's it about?
Jimmy Olsen: His "relationship" with Superman and how Superman is "misunderstood". You believe that shit? I guess it's not a smoking gun or anything, but it seems rather suspicious to me that Clark is the 1st friend listed on Superman's Myspace page. The thing is, it's the same fucking picture!!
HumanityCritic: Lois, I thought you and the man of steel had a thing going on??
Lois: Hey, Superman is a stud and I really wanted to see if he really was "the man of steel" and all, but I kind of like breathing.
Lois:(turning to Jimmy with a smirk on her face) This dumb ass wants me to explain, OK. The mere fact that every woman that Clark has gone home with has NEVER BEEN SEEN AGAIN is a sure sign that I don't want him in the same zip-code as my vagina. I'd probably be better off sticking a lit stick of dynamite in there.
Jimmy Olsen: But it is fun to call him Kal-El and see him mistakenly respond to it, or putting some kryptonite in his desk and laughing as he moans like a bitch all day.
Lois: Haha, that is funny though.
(Superman flies through the window)
Superman: What the fuck are you bitches talking about??
Lois, Jimmy, HumanityCritic: Ohh Shit!!
(The interview ends with the three of them scattering like roaches with the lights on. HumanityCritic isn't scared of much, but that's Superman, that's a whole other level of beat-down)
A Friend of Spiderman Speaks out!!
HumanityCritic: So, what is your relationship with Spiderman exactly?
Bridgette: Peter?? Um, lets just say that I am his "Nocturnal Rendezvous".
HumanityCritic: What the fuck, why didn't you just say fuck buddy or booty call?? What happened to Mary Jane anyways??
Bridgette: You're an asshole, you know that?(rolling eyes, sounding bored) Look, whenever Pete and Mary were going through their problems Pete would see me to, "Relax".
HumanityCritic: You mean Fuck?
Bridgette: No I did his taxes, of course you jackass.
HumanityCritic: How did you know he was Spiderman?
Bridgette: Besides him constantly suggesting that he wear tights to spice up our love life?
Bridgette: It was mostly sexual stuff. How can I say this?? Um, when he would climax he would shoot out..he would shoot out..
HumanityCritic: He came a fucking web!!! How cool is that!!
Bridgette: You think that's cool, try being stuck to your bed for 2 hours!
HumanityCritic: Yeah, that must suck..
Bridgette: Speaking of "suck", when he wanted me to orally satisfy him he would try to convince me by saying, "With great power comes great responsibility!!!" What am I, a god-damned superfriend??
HumanityCritc: Well, if you are skilled enough to have Spiderman begging for it I'm sure I can get you an application to the Justice League. "The Head Heroin" has a great ring to it, don't you agree?
Bridgette: Man, Fuck you..