Thursday, April 27, 2006

Here's a great way to lose your readership, talk badly about music people love..

Like anyone who is involved in any sort of art will tell you, sculptor, painter, MC, or blogger, people will give you their opinion of how you should approach said art form. Some advice is excellent, like my boy Iselfra telling me that a little more political oriented posts wouldn't hurt, he's right about that. Some advice is just weird, like the time I got an email from this lady saying that she wanted me to judge the "oral abilities" of her and her friend and to do a post about it.(I entertained it, not because I wanted to push the "blogging envelope" but because I'm a pig. When I went to her site and did some pedestrian P.I work, I found out the "her" and "her friend" were both pre-opt transvestites. Of course I turned them down because I'm not gay, plus it would be weird saying, "That thing I'm poking better not be an Adam's apple!!!") Some advice seems well intentioned on the surface, but when you look deeper at what the person is suggesting you to do, it is even more horrific than getting a mouth hug from a Diana Ross impersonator.(Yes that is what the tranny's job was. I can't front, her rendition of "I'm coming out" is top notch.) For example, I got an email from this religious gentleman saying that not only should I not curse as much, but to tone down the violence in my blog and to do pop culture posts to gain a wider audience. I sat at my desk for a minute, thought about it, and in a response to him wrote: "Sir, I appreciate your suggestion but.. Fuck all that toning down my motherfucking blog and shit. Plus, the mere thought of me cutting down on the violence makes me want to beat a bastard with a pillowcase full of sodas, or hit them in the face in a way that their nose bone punctures their brain! Thanks for the advice though, god bless!" So this post is in honor of staying true to yourself and not altering your opinion for popularity purposes, check out how I talk shit about music genre's that I despise but you probably love.

Country and Western: Being the best friend of a white republican who I secretly feel has a fear of black people outside of yours truly, I have been to more shit kicking bars than any brother imaginable. It's 2006 so people try not to glare at me like their crazy and do standard racist shit, but their overt niceness is even more irritating. If I hear one more drunken bastard say, "Hey man, I don't see color!", "Some of my best friends are black!!", or "I once dated a black girl in college." as some sort of way to befriend the only black guy in the midst of Toby Keith fans, I think I'm going to go on a fucking killing spree. All that being said, I guess it's obvious to say that I have had my fair share of country and western music over the past few years. Honestly, Country and Western is similar to Hip Hop, as in the biggest critics are people who really don't know what the fuck they are talking about. Country and Western is the white man's blues, that's obvious, and the artists who take that approach are the artists that I respect and recognize as legitimate. I just hate hearing those songs that are supposed to be patriotic, but actually come across as jingoistic pandering especially by the likes of Toby "I'll put a boot in their ass" Keith. Fans of that drivel are the same folks before the war that would incoherently state that we should "kill all the Iraqi's", not thinking about the innocent women and children who would lose their lives in the process.

Interesting Country and Western Story: One night when Danny and I were hammered, I decided to sing Kenny Rogers' "The Gambler" during Karaoke night at this local Country Bar. I surprised myself, not because I sounded particularly good that night, but because I knew the words to the fucking Gambler!! This woman who was there asked Danny if I was single and he said "Yes!", so he proceeded to give her my number without my knowledge. I was mad when I found out, not only because I wasn't interested, but it seems that that motherfucker is trying to vicariously live through me based on the ball and chain holding him down called marriage. The lady called a few times, left her number, called a few more times, but because I wasn't interested I never called back. Then one day she left a message on my machine where she not only cursed me out, but called me every racial epithet you could imagine.(Not what I thought was standard behavior based on her "liking me" and all) Later I played the message for Danny on some "look what this crazy bitch said" shit thinking he would find it funny, but when he heard it he started openly weeping and gave me a very long and uncomfortable hug. We haven't talked about that moment since.

Death Metal: When I was a struggling MC, Danny came through to support even though he was visibly nervous, like he was penciled in for an anal raping later, based on so many black folks who weren't Humanity F Critic. When I went through my poet "I'm only doing this shit to bang chicks with head-wraps" phase, Danny came through to support what was probably pretty awful poetry. When my band performs he always comes through, even though I'm certain that he thinks that our brand of rock isn't "hard enough". So, when his band was together a couple of years ago, I did what I thought was right and went to support my friend of over 20 years. Standing there, wondering what in the fuck am I doing standing behind a guy who had a fucking swastika patch on his jacket, I knew that I would have problems with going to Danny's shows. When you go to R&B shows there are fine chicks, some Hip Hops shows there are fine chicks, most rock shows there are fine ass chicks, but at death metal shows the chicks look like homeless women who were just resuscitated from a crack overdose and given a few bucks to go see a concert. Besides the women that I wouldn't fuck with a horse dildo while wearing surgical gloves, the singer's vocal stylings sound like a bear getting ass raped, or what an elephant getting an appendectomy might sound like. I hate when people say that Hip Hop influences people to do things, but hearing the raspy ass vocals, the grimy guitar sounds and ultra depressing messages, I suddenly thought about scoring some black tar heroin. I don't know, I've been told that some of the bands I've given props to on this site are also considered "Death Metal", so maybe there are categories of it.

Death Metal Story: When I went to one of Danny's shows, I had to sit through some miserable bastard as him and his band of misfits labored through a few songs. In an act to shock or entertain, this fucker pulls out a razor and starts cutting himself on his forehead. Then he starts flinging his head around, getting his blood on everyone, including yours truly, your resident germaphobe-in-chief. Horrified, I followed him to the bathroom later and "What do you think you were doing??!" was all that I could muster. He brushed me off, gave the rock and roll bull and horns hand gesture and said, "Your black ass just witnessed some unadulterated ROCK!!!" Later, after the show was over, I waited for him outside wearing some surgical gloves that I keep in my car(Don't ask) because I didn't want to contract some sort of "outbreak Monkey" virus when I beat his ass. For the next few minutes I tried to beat the brakes off of that fucker, afterwards saying, while flashing the rock symbol, "Your dumb ass just received an unadulterated ass whipping!!"

Reggaeton: Before I say that I hate something, I like to go back and give it multiple listens before I proceed to bash the fuck out of it. When I first listened to Common's "Electric Circus" I felt it was wack after the first listen, but I had to go back and listen to it a few more times to realize that I was a steaming pile of excrement. When I ranted and raved on how I thought "Brown Sugar" was going to be wack, when I actually saw it I thought it was a pretty cool flick. That being said, even though I'm going to offend many people out there, I simply feel that Reggaeton is a complete was of time. Granted, my hatred for Dance-hall definitely doesnt help matters, but hearing the beats makes me want to do something bad to someone immediately. Not only that, but I feel that Reggaeton artists are just frustrated MC's who have been relegated to the "musical JV team" in a "we are all winners, special Olympics" sort of way.(I know, I'm a prick) It is my feeling that you should be insulted if you are a female MC and people describe you as the female version of a male rapper, I'd understand the frustration. But Reggaeton artists, in my opinion, embrace silly shit like being labeled "The Reggaeton Biggie" or "The Reggaeton Rakim" like it's a badge of fucking honor. Get out of here with that bullshit.

Interesting Reggaeton Story: I was trying to talk the proverbial drawers off this waitress who works at this Restaurant named Rosa. She was digging me, surprisingly, until I made the one cardinal sin that would ensure that I would never become intimately acquainted with her bedsheets. I talked badly about Reggaeton. Besides her being a fan and my "Reggaeton is a special Olympics for rappers" spiel not coming off to well, she didn't find me calling Daddy Yankee an "untalented cocksucker" amusing since she claimed that she is related to him somehow.

19 comments:

Amadeo said...

I feel you. I only dig certain country and most of it is really blues with a white dude singing - The Gambler is the SHYT!...can't stand Death Metal (hell who wants to listen to a genre that has Death in the title?).

kristen said...

great post. and i have to agree with you reggaeton is some of the WACKEST music to ever hit the raio!

Georgiapeach said...

Ha! You going to get your butt kicked homie. I am going to sick Cradle of Filth on your ass!

GG said...

Well, at least I know what NOT to keep in heavy rotation...

Paco said...

Reggaeton is the beat that keeps my blood going!!!! But Ive encountered so many reggaeton haterz out there that its to the point where it doesnt even faze me anymore. Everytime somebody says "I hate reggaeton" or something along those lines (or worse) I just *nod*, *smile* and go back 2 what I was doing/talking about.

Altho, if ur gonna hate on reggaeton, do NOT put a picture of people dancing dancehall reggae! it is NOT the same thing!!!

saga said...

Kiss my a$$ - Cowboy Troy ROCKS!!!!


...ok, that was the crack I smoked at lunch talking. C&W sucks a$$ only slightly less than black-people-rapping-over-C&W sucks, which is a whole helluva lot.

But I do look really cute in my "Hick Chick" t-shirt ;-)

oh, and btw - thanx for inadvertently freeing my dating OCD blog posts. I was toying with deleting the whole bunch, til I read that line. I love that you just don't give a flying f*** about writing for popularity. Some folks get that shyt so twisted. I gotta start iggin' some of these crazy emails.

fcharles said...

As a rule I immediately leave any party or bar if country music comes on. Except for Willie Nelson, he's fucking harsh.

Khandi said...

Ah, well, I like reggaeton, but I'm not particularly offended by your distaste for it as I'm not some kind of diehard about it; I just like to dance to it like other music that would be called wack by my hip-hop head brother and yourself.

Anonymous said...

How can you tell what they were dancing to just based on the picture. You are a funny dude HC..

Merk

Bk_red said...

reggaeton is fake-ass (wack) reggae! just because it has a beat you can dance to doesn't mean it is good music, folks! i compare reggaeton to j-lo.... even though it represents latinos (especialmente boriquas) in some way, it still SUCKS!!!!! the same goes for country and death metal. i am an equal opportunity hater!

Brother OMi said...

i know i have not been here in a minute, thanks for the love homie...

but i feel you on several points. but why you hatin' on reggaeton man....? lol

bowling with no panties said...

So I guess you're saying you aren't down with Opeth?

Every single black guy I have ever known WELL in my life -- all five of them -- knows every word to "the Gambler" -- what is THAT about??

I guess it's the same reason why every white girl I know knows the words to "It Takes Two" by Rob Base.

chele said...

Wait a minute, do people actually take the time to send you personal e-mails and tell you how to run your blog? WTF?

BLESSD1 said...

Dude...."The Gambler" is one GANGSTER-@$$ country song! Waitaminute....is that even possible? Great post. Excelsior

P.S. I've tried to learn to like reggaeton too....yeah...that shit is horrible

Rose said...

I'm not a country singer fan but there are wsome songs I like alot. One is that new Carrie Underwood, Jesus take the wheel, and then a couple of others by Shania Twain, and others.

Ra said...

They wanted you to judge their "oral abilities"???

That's just so wrong on SO many levels (lol).

Thanks for another enjoyable post. Seriously, have you ever considered stand up comedy?

Anonymous said...

I agree with you. I can honestly say I don't even like one country music song. And Reggaeton is fuckin garbage. I'd rather listen to Freestyle.

bowling with no panties said...

FREESTYLE!!!!!

(Curling into the fetal position and sucking my thumb)

No...not freestyle...No. No. Please. No.

Anonymous said...

Dancehall is a copy of R&B. If I remember correctly, many of those island types blasted their messed up radios with annoying renditioons of popular R&B songs.... as if they had no skill to make their OWN type of lyrics, music. At least, Reggaeton goes further.