Wednesday, May 11, 2005

Mayhem at a Titty Bar!: Stripclub chronicles Part 2

If there is one thing that I love, what makes my world go round, is the sight of breasts, thighs, and legs. No I'm not talking about options on a KFC menu, I'm talking about the delicious sight of a woman's naked body. Even though I love seeing women in their birthday suits whenever possible, I have grown to despise strip-clubs and have expressed that fact on this blog before.(here) A friend of mine asked me how could I possible hate strip clubs, so I told him it is the same way you have religious people who hate the "going to church" aspect. I am simply a dude with a lecherous appetite for juicy backsides who hates strip-clubs. With all that being said, the following story is a true account of what happened Monday Night, from the hours of 11:00 to 12:30. I'm going to run this down like an episode of "24"

(10:59:58,10:59:59, 11:00:00)

After having Mexican food with Danny and his wife, Danny drops her off and informs her that we are going out to have a few drinks. As we are driving down the street he asks me where do I want to go and I reply with the ever so friendly, "I don't fucking know!" When we hang out and look for someplace to drink we always act like we have a shitload of options, when in all actuality we frequent the same three or four bullshit dive bars. After a few minutes of driving around he suggests that we go to a strip club called "Aces". I tell him how much I hate stripclubs and lay out a well thought out and articulate argument proving my point. The funny thing about being a passenger is that articulate arguments are basically worthless, so off to "Aces" we go.

When we arrive at "Aces" I immediately tell that this is one of the better strip clubs in the area, from the overall look of the club it seemed respectable, for a stripclub that is. Danny and I proceed to order a couple of beers ,and as we sat at the bar and turned our chairs to the dancers we see two of the most posterior gifted ladies I have ever seen in my life. I immediately thought of the Sir Mixalot line "Even white boys have to shout!!!" when Danny said "Motherfucker man, look at that ass Critic!!" It seems that my lifelong friend, Fox News watcher, Rush Limbaugh listener, George Bush supporter is a fan of phat asses. There is hope for him yet.

(11:20:03. 11:20:04, 11:20:05)

We quickly sat down like kids playing a game of musical chairs, and pulled out shitloads of dollar bills. I talk shit about stripclubs all the time, but the two ladies on the runway had "car accident" asses. Meaning, you know that you shouldn't rubberneck but you can't look away, like that. The stripper who danced for me was a Puertorican girl named "B.J", she was cool but she talked my fucking ear off. At one point I wanted to tell her, "I just want to see you titties, not be given a stripper dissertation!". The stripper who danced for Danny was a white girl named "Carla" and lets just say she was definitely blessed "below the belt". I kept wanting to say something Highly stereotypical like "Do you have black in you?", making her say "No,why??", then forcing me to come back with the utterly repulsive "Do you want some?" So I just smiled and threw money her way.

Surprisingly the DJ was playing classic Hip Hop like EPMD, Dougie Fresh, and Tribe, I shit you not. Some dudes kept going over to his booth, suggesting lil' John or some shit like that, so I gave the DJ a twenty and said "Ignore those motherfuckers". As I sat back down, "B.J", while she was dancing for me, said "Talk dirty for me baby.." "Really?", I said and she nodded in agreement. Then I said, "OK. You dirty ass bitch, could you have washed your crotch before you decided to shove it in my face. I can literally taste that stench!" B.J stopped mid dance and said, "Not like that!". I knew what she was talking about but I just giggled to myself, not letting her know that I was joking. I can be a prick sometimes, but I'm sure she knew I was joking. I hope.

I glimpse over at Danny and his eyes are wider than Gorge W. Bush's were when he pulled all night coke binges circa 1975. Suddenly, as soon as the song was over, B.J and "Carla" got up and collected their money, then left the stage. I guess their "Stripper shift" was over and it was time for two new girls to take their place. By this time I am getting a good buzz and the music is making me chair dance, a sad site I know. My buzz was totally killed when I saw the strippers that came on next. One was OK, but the other looked like a skeleton with a thong on. I mean, this girl was so skinny that Sally Struthers should be on T.V pleading for her boney ass. I know I'm being harsh, but there is absolutely nothing sexy about a chick who's weight is probably south of 100, getting on a stage and doing anything half naked.

(11:45:33, 11:45:34, 11:45:35)

Me and Danny immediately get up and sit at the bar. I thought we did it in a respectable fashion until he let out an uncharacteristic "Hell Naw!" as we left the stage. The girl was pissed that we left, probably because we must of gave the previous dancers like 20 bucks each, so she screamed at us "That's fucked up!" I ignored her and continued getting shitfaced. They danced a few songs and the girl comes in my direction screaming like I had hit her or something. She is waiving her hands all over the place yelling, "Fuck you two punk motherfuckers! I don't need your money, Fuck yall! Fuck yall!" I politely smile and hope that this 5'6, 92 pounds of anger cools down sometime soon.

She pauses briefly and says, "Didn't you go to Kempsville High School, class of 91?." I said yes and then she said the following: "Your black ass used to torment me every day in school! You bullied my friends, you called me names, you ruined my self esteem for years!" Then I said, "I turned you into an anorexic stripper? Shit, what did I say exactly??"" She said, "Fuck you(exposing her middle finger) Look at me now! You couldn't break me asshole. Look at me now!" I then replied, "You are a fucking stripper who looks like crack cocaine is your drug of choice. I wouldn't really sell the rights to your biography as a "feel good story". Plus, I never bullied you, you got the wrong guy" Angrily she said, "Your name is Travis right?" I then angrily said, "no, my name isn't "Travis" and the mere fact that you fucked that up, being that our school had about 8 black people total kind of gives weight to my "you are a crack-head theory!"

The yelling caught the attention of the bouncers and other patrons. When I saw the bouncers approach me they didn't have a "lets see whats going on and peacefully end this" stance about them, they had a "lets beat this black motherfuckers ass just because" stance about them. I briefly tell them what happened but I notice that one of the bouncers is giving me an extremely evil look and he is inching behind me. I tell him "Don't you fucking get behind me" and position myself to where they are both in front of me. Danny is talking shit to them, and to the other "regulars" that are talking shit, but Danny couldn't fight his way out of a paper bag so I am alone in this. I grab a bottle, ready to smash it over the head of anyone that steps up, preferable the black "regular" wearing an extremely tight shirt.(I hate that shit) The owner comes out of no where and says that we should leave before there is any trouble, so I don't put up a fuss and leave.

As we are leaving we pass "B.J" and "Carla" as they are about to get back on stage. Having a stronger buzz than before, plus an adrenaline rush from almost getting my ass kicked, I had a lapse in judgment and asked Carla "Hey, do you have any black in you??" She said, "Can't a white girl have a phat ass?? Why do you ask?" Before I could give the response she smiled and said, "Don't you say it motherfucker!!", then the bouncers pushed us out the door. Walking to Danny's car backwards waiting for anybody to try and fight us I yell out, "I fucking Hate stripclubs!!!"

(12:29:58, 12:29:59, 12:30:00)

24 comments:

Fran said...

*smh* Never a dull moment in your life is there? LMBO @ the cracky, how sad.

Will said...

That was a great post...had me laughing out loud for real...Respect, HC!

Luke Cage said...

"from the overall look of the club it seemed respectable, for a stripclub that is" -as usual dude, always the comic.

I burned myself out from stripclubs. I was living up in them from Tuesday nights to Sunday nights repeatedly when I was in the Army. I haven't been to one in over 15 or so years. Some things though, never change.

Amadeo said...

I always hated strip clubs...if I can't touch it, fuck it was my theory. I tried to go twice in my life something happened to prevent me both times. I figured it must not be meant.

pomedome said...

You got my # on strip clubs. Love the curvey naked, hate the scene and boney girls. Loved the post, you got a touch and made me laugh.
Thanks! JM

introspectre said...

One of my best friends works over at...what the crap is that place called...Oceans Cabaret? Whatever.
One night I was in there and some scrawny dog with a huge boob job was on stage, and I'm ignoring her and talking to my friend. I mean, I guess I could have given her money but I was afraid she would spend it on some more crack, you know? A big ass juicy cheeseburger would have done her more good. Anyway, my face is pretty close to the stage the way I'm leaning over and she stomps that huge platform shoe down next to my HEAD and starts wiggling around right above me. And she's got this horribly bitchy expression like, "Bitch you better pay attention to me!" and I'm like, "Bitch, you better eat something if you want me to pay attention! And if you ever stomp your foot down next to my head again I'm gonna BITE your fucking scrawny ankle!"
The poor anemic crackhead would probably bleed to death in a matter of minutes. Few things grosser than a scrawny bitch. Period.

Fucking stripclubs. Hmmph.

Nikki said...

LOL, I swear you are funnier than a mofo!!

Brother OMi said...

i feel the same way. i never felt them because you get one set of girls that are dope and another set that are argggghhhh...and curse folks out of they don't give money

the djs are always wack and the bouncers are assholes.

a beer sort of girl said...

Strip clubs are like any kind of badly-themed club. It's entertaining for a short time, every once in a while. But you can't go all of the time, and you can't get wrapped up in the lame-ass drama that occurs there nightly.

I love the fact that you grabbed a bottle while the bouncers were approaching. You know, just in case.

Dee said...

you are too dam funny!!!

"The adventures of the humanity critic"
I would like an autographed copy of you "best-seller"

LMAO

Mala said...

Aw fo damn! I was just about to go get my pole-vault on when I realized that I'm just too damn skinny to make a buck. Fuck around and rub my knees together I might start a damn forest fire. Thanks for stopping me before I embarassed myself by shaking what my momma held back from me in a tightly clenched fist. Once again you saved the day and made me chuckle 'til I squirted water out of my nose... ouchie

Beloved said...

OK, first I thought that I was DONE when you told that chick that she could have washed her cooch when she asked you to talk "dirty", but then YOU GET CALLED OUT FOR BEING A SCHOOL BULLY BY AN ANOREXIC STRIPPER?!?!?! Who in the HELL has that kind of story to tell on a typical night out. LMAO!!!!!!!! LMFAO!!!!!!!!!!

crossfader72 said...

that is some funny shit.

jirzygurl said...

why you call that girl a crack head?? that shit is HILARIOUS!! you need to seek help! Did you go to confession for that?

Nia said...

LMAO!!! Oh my gosh stop playing, too funny.
Male strip clubs never get rowdy but I've grown to dislike them just like you. The older I get the less sexy it is for me to watch oily men to dance that well...I'm constantly plagued with thoughts of which of their co-workers I think they're most likely taking home. Look at them two talking behind stage...yeah, they a couple.

vagitis said...

oh my god, that's all I gotta say.

savvy said...

i am soo gone over the skin and bones chick mistaking you for someone else, trying to go off like she got her stank ass on ricky lake shouting look at me now... oh my lawd..i wish i could have seen that mess.

Shelia said...

Still ROFLMAO...This part here (Then I said, "I turned you into an anorexic stripper? )...even though she had you mixed up with someone else, I was laughing so hard. I'm at work reading your blog and someone walked in the office and was wondering what was so funny. I bet you stay out of strip clubs now.

NeenaLove said...

REAL?
FAKE?
REAL?
FAKE?
what do you prefer??? LOL....

Dayrell said...

I still can't believe all that happened in a matter in 30 mins... LOL...my goodness! Hey, and I hate tight-shirt-wearing dudes to HC. lol.

Good story man. had me cracking up as usual. lol.

Hamani said...

Your a great story teller - & by the way - what's up with white gurls with phat azzes - I think Im really pissed about it
Signed,
Apple Bottom

IsLifeLame said...

Hit up Montreal strip clubs if you wanna touch.

Toshiko said...

LMAO

wannabe_ceo said...

crazy as usual. islife is right, Montreal has some good shit.