(HumanityCritic fast asleep besides two butt naked women)
(HumanityCritic clumsily climbs over the women to answer the phone)
HumanityCritic:(In a groggy voice) Hello
Bill Clinton: What's up HumanityCritic?!!
HumanityCritic: Who in the fuck is this? Do you know what time it is, it's..
Bill Clinton:(Interrupts) 12 noon on a motherfucking Friday, get your black ass up!
HumanityCritic: Bill?? What in the fuck do you want man?? I'm still mad at you from last time I saw you when you cock-blocked me and stole the girl that I was talking to. Speaking of that, what kind of asshole approaches a girl with the line "I'm Bill Clinton baby!"?
Bill Clinton: It worked didn't it?
HumanityCritic: You have a point, what's up?
Bill Clinton: Well I figured that since you took Bush out twice in a freestyle rap battle, that it is time that you throw your hat in the political arena. Think of all the quality tail you get!!
HumanityCritic: Like Monica? hee-hee
Bill Clinton: Fuck man, that's what I hate, intellectual laziness! Just because a guy gets caught fucking a "chubby 3rd stringer", all of a sudden people think that that is the only quality of tail he gets? Get the fuck out of here with that bullshit!! The quality of chicks I had in the White House would have made JFK say, "You're a pimp dog!!" Don't sleep motherfucker!!
HC: You sure are touchy today! Anyway, I can't run for president man, I have smoked weed
and "inhaled", plus the press would have a field day with the photographs of me kicking chicks out of the White House early every morning. Also, I won't be 35 for 3 more years asshole!
(The girls that were in HumanityCritic's bed have now gotten dressed, and are staring at him with a pissed off look on their face)
HC: Hold on Bill(puts down phone to address the two women) What's up?
Girl A: Where is our motherfucking money?
HC: Money?? I don't pay for sex, I'm the HumanityCritic Baby!!
Girl B: You are just a chubby black bastard with a blog! (Holds hand out)
HC: The money is on the table, Scram!
Girls:(In unison) Fuck you!
HC:(picks phone back up) Bill?
Bill: I told you that line only works for me with the ladies!! Anyway, I was talking about the Black Weblog Awards. They have a few awards that I thought you were qualified for, you should ask people to vote for you.
HC: I have already put the banner on my blog a couple of days ago..
Bill: Yeah, but what you need is a campaign commercial, something to show your readers "why" they should vote for you. You should give it a shot.
HC: OK, but in me doing that, wouldn't it be selfish, an act of narcissism, and the epitome of self promotion??
(Bill Clinton and HumanityCritic, in unison, turn to all the bloggers out there flashing a shit eating grin)
Bill: So it's set, I have set up a camera crew that is going to film your first campaign commercial. I have contacted the members of your world security team you are a part of, B-H.A.I.L, to be your cabinet, it's good to go.
HC: Fuck it, why not. So, how's Harlem treating you?
Bill: Bro, I can't talk right now because Hillary is in the room. But I will say one thing about the women in Harlem, and get what you want out of this..(whispers in the phone). Junk-in-the-trunk!
Hillary: Bill, you motherfucker!
Bill: Gotta go, bye
HC: Hey Bill
HC: Happy Birthday bitch!!
Bill: Damn man, thanks. Good luck!
(Campaign Commercial starts)
(James Brown's "Poppa Don't take no mess" comes on. The image of Iselfra, Amadeo, Luke Cage, Belle, and HumanityCritic in the middle walking in slow motion)
(Voice of HumanityCritic):Hi, I'm HumanityCritic, and I support this Message
Today, my fellow blog enthusiast, I ask for your vote. Granted, I can't address your national security concerns, making health care available for all Americans, or even making our schools better for our youth to receive a better education. I wish I could do those things for you by running for president, but I am only a single black guy in Virginia, and the mere fact that there are pictures of me smoking weed and a possible sex tape floating around, being Commander in Chief is out of the question. I ask that you vote for me at the 2005 black blogger awards website. Granted, I know that this is the epitome of shameless plugging, self promotion, and a downright pathetic practice where I will comment vague shit just for people to check out my site, but if you read my blog for 2 minutes you will see that I don't bother with trying to live up to any "moral standard."
Fellow Internet browser, If I have your vote I will promise a few things: 1: To always do my best to write from my heart. 2: To do my best to make you laugh, even if that means embarrassing myself and exploiting my sexual shortcomings(Pun not intended dammit!) 3:I promise, as my name is HumanityCritic, that if we ever hang out, to bitch-slap any individual who gives you problems. Or give them my signature throat-chop, take your pick. and 4: To continue to be the most abrasive, direct, and lovable asshole a guy could be.
In the next month, you can vote for all those other blogs that continuously bore the piss out of you, or mine that..hopefully doesn't bore the piss out of you. You can vote for all those other blogs where all people do is talk about themselves, or you can vote for my blog where..OK, I do talk about myself a lot, but not in a "I'm so great" kind of way but in a "look at how much of a douche-bag I am, hence making your life more livable" kind of way.
I can hear some of you now saying, "Give me some proof, why I should vote for your black ass??!!" OK, even though the color of my ass is unimportant here, let me provide you with a few links. The post entitled "A Complete Idiots Guide to Having a Black Friend" I gave people who were culturally unaware a rulebook when dealing with someone of another race. The post "HumanityCritic's Tell All Autobiography(Circa 2033)" I gave a fictitious account of me in the future, as I looked back at all the celebrities I was "with". I gave the "every man" some support when I wrote a fictitious, An Episode of "Thug Eye for the Regular Guy" , which every man that doesn't want to fall under a stereotype can truly relate to. You have a true to life account of a struggle that I had entitled "Turn off that MotherF#%cking Radio!", my fictitious rap battle/debate against George W. Bush in the posts entitled "Live from the White House: Rap battle: Bush vs. Humanity Critic" and the sequel to that entitled "Bush vs. HumanityCritic: Rap Battle on the White House Lawn Pt. 2". You can't forget about my story about going to a poetry event entitled "A Fictitious Tale about a Coffee-Shop" , also a true story about me defending someone and their right to love whoever they want entitled "Somewhere Over the Rainbow". But, if those entries don't blow your skirt up just go to my site and see if you find something even mildly entertaining. If not, you have permission to call me a waste of flesh, lord knows my ex-girlfriends do.
How do you vote you ask? OK, just go to the 2005 Black Weblog Awards website, click on "Awards" and you will see eleven categories to chose from. The categories that I feel that I fall under for nomination are "Blogger of the Year", "Blog of the Year", "Best Humor Blog", and "Best Writing in a Blog". There will be two boxes where you fill out your name and your email address. Under that you type in "HumanityCritic" under "Nominee" and "www.nappydiatribe.blogspot.com" under "Nominee URL". Then simply check the category boxes below that you feel that you want to vote for me for and just click on vote. Simple, painless, easy.
Even though this message is a begging attempt to garner your vote, that doesn't mean that you have to vote for me. By all means, if you think another blogger is more deserving, then do what is in your heart and vote for them. I won't have a problem with that.(Except the fact that I might make a voodoo doll of you, so if you feel a constant shooting pain during the day just realize that you made the wrong vote!! Just kidding, Kind of.)
In closing, whether if you vote for me or not, I appreciate your support and the kindness you showed me over the past few months. Keep reading my blog, and I will keep trying to provide you with continuous laughs and utter foolishness. Email your thoughts, your reactions, or if simply want to say "I wish you were never born you bastard!" then feel free.(Lord knows I hear that enough from my mother, so I'm used to it.)
Paid for by the HumanityCritic "I'll Throatchop a Motherfucker" Campaign of 2005, INC.