Thursday, October 20, 2005

Halloween Stories

Halloween is quickly approaching, where kids who are usually scared shit-less to come to my door because I am the "evil black man on the block", will flash their shit eating adolescence grins and ask for candy like I am the coolest motherfucker on earth. Some of them are pretty smooth, somehow even learning my last name to finesse the situation even further. It's funny, I promised myself that I would be the adult on the block that would give out the crappy stuff, like nickels and pennies and shit. I even did that to one kid to see what they would do, and when that little girl gave me a look like I had just murdered Santa Claus, I gave in and gave her a bowl full of sweets(Yeah, I am a push over)

But as years pass, and as I witness the dwindling numbers of children trick-or-treating nowadays, I reminisce of when I was a kid and all the crazy times that I had on October 31st.

Shotgun Larry: Like anyone who ever lived in Naval Housing will tell you, the cast of characters and ethnicity's that live around you are quite diverse. One of these eccentric individuals was a man that the kids dubbed "Shotgun Larry". Larry was a Vietnam Veteran who obviously had some post traumatic stress disorders from the war, because for one thing all of his stories involved the "murdering of Vietcong", the "proper way to throw a grenade", the time he "caught the clap" from a Vietnamese hooker, and early in the morning you could see Larry on his roof clutching a shotgun and mumbling to himself. My parents didn't want me passing his house at all, so the message was sent that Larry was nuttier than squirrel shit, period. One Halloween we decided to do the average childhood things, trick-or-treat, scare other kids half to death, and roll people's houses with toilet paper. We must have done abut 12 houses that night, laughing until I couldn't breath as we basically covered this one house with double-ply toiletries. Then we get to Larry's house, and my friends dare me to "roll" his house and call me a "chicken-shit" if I don't. I refuse, then they start calling me scared, clucking and whatnot very loudly. Beside the fact that I was all of 10 years old, I was not one to have my manhood challenged, so I grabbed a piece of toilet paper and cocked back to throw it. Well, apparently "Shotgun Larry" was hiding in the bushes because before it left my hand he grabbed my arm and said, "Oh no you don't!" We all let out loud girlish screams, then my friends took off like they had heard the Ice Cream man or some shit.

Here I am, screaming because not only does this crazy motherfucker have a grip of my right arm, he is gripping a shotgun with his other hand. I screamed, started crying, I even think I used the uber stupid tactic of "mock" passing out, but none of that shit worked. As he walked me to my door he said some more scary shit like, "You now what I would do to a Vietcong that tried to ambush me like you did??" My eyes got wide and I continued screaming, "Help!! Help!!!!!" He took me to my front door and rang the bell, where my mother answered within seconds. He explained what happened, and my mother just nodded her head in agreement, not because she agreed with his actions but because he had a shotgun in one of his hands. My mother was like, "Thanks Larry, I will take care of it", then closed the door quickly. I looked down and I had pissed myself, a lot, like I had spent the entire night in a Jacuzzi. My mother promised not to tell my father after I begged her for an hour, primarily because urinating on ones self isn't a great introduction into manhood, and also he might have gotten shot the fuck up if he confronted Larry. I still remember my mother saying, "I won't tell your father, "Pissy Drawers!!" Yep, she's a nurturer.

Witness Protection Program: One year my father had taken in the grandson of one of his Naval Mentors, a kid named Shawn. Shawn, who was a troubled kid and about 5 years my senior, so he became like a defacto big brother. No disrespect to my real brother, but being that my real brother was 11 years older than me, he wasn't going to beat some older kids ass that gave me a hard time. Anyway, there was a kid that started some discount gang in my neighborhood, and even though I just learned to fight, I couldn't take on more than one person at a time. This one Halloween a couple of those "gang members" stole my candy and beat my ass, sending me home crying like Kobe Bryant at a press conference. I told Shawn what had happened and immediately he went into his room, grabbed his nun-chucks(because he was into Karate at the time), and raced out the door with me close behind. All in all Shawn turned out to be a piece of shit, stealing from my family and whatnot, but that night he was my bona fide hero. He ran towards that gang and basically beat the whole crew with precision and accuracy with those two connected wooden sticks. As I regained my candy, Shawn reached down and grabbed the main one by the head and said, "Kick that motherfucker in the face for stealing your candy!!" I hesitated at first, but I think I remember kicking him 2 or 3 times, and boy did I like that feeling.

When we got back home and told my mother what had happened, she said something quite surprising for a woman that I figured was a pretty straight laced woman. She said, "You guys better lay low for a week or so, until the smoke clears. Those fuckers are going to want revenge!" My mother claims that she doesn't remember saying it, but I sure did. Mom getting all "Goodfellas" on a motherfucker.

Girl Fight: When I was younger, I wasn't as politically correct as I am now, instead of simply pouring a malted beverage on a woman that pisses me off, I used to do the unspeakable and call them out of their name. I guess I could chalk it up to age I guess, or the crowd that I hung out with, but it probably had something to do with my father's favorite phrase concerning women being "The B*tch ain't shit!" So, since kids are like sponges I absorbed this word and called any female that outside of my mom and my sister, and any other female family member that could kick my ass. Anyway, one day my friends and I were playing basketball when this girl named Wanda wanted us to leave to play double-dutch. When we refused, she tried to physically move us herself, which led the fateful words "get your hands off me bitch" to fly out of my mouth. Wanda walked up to me and stared me in the eye for a couple seconds, and proceeded in slapping the taste out of my mouth. I was embarrassed, put my hands up to fight her, but she was a big girl who looked way too eager to fight for my taste so I did what any self respecting black man would have done. I ran home, and for the following week or so I was ducking her the same way Courtney Love ducks showers. That led to Halloween night, where word was out that she was looking to put me on the business end of a beating.

I trick-or-treated like normal, not worrying about her, until she slapped me in the head with a wiffle-ball bat out of nowhere. For the next 15 minutes she was chasing me in between houses, between kids roaming the streets, through cars, ignoring my screams of desperation en route to handing me a beating. Suddenly I crossed the street and when I heard some squealing tires I turned around, and a small compact car had hit Wanda as she tried to catch me. Because she didn't get hurt that bad, I can say this with confidence: I have never been so happy to see a person get hit by a car in my whole life! As the driver got out of her car to see if Wanda was alright I yelled, "Yeah!! Now what! haha!!" But Wanda was really hurt, balling and whatnot, so I canceled my victory dance and helped her home along with the driver of the car. Later, Wanda told me that she only tormented me because she liked me, even though slapping the shit out of me is a hell of a way to show it.

48 comments:

Spirit Of Owl said...

Bloody hilarious, HC!

Women don't seem to understand that slapping us around a bit isn't exactly a clear message saying, "Hey, I think you're nice." Especially Wanda Woman.

Watch out for yourself this Halloween, pissy drawers. :D

chele said...

You know you'll never be able to live down "pissy drawers", right? Where's the rest of yesterday's list?

Bainwen Gilrana said...

Oh, this is great!

It is strange how there seem to be so many less trick-or-treaters out these days. Today's kids are really missing out on some adventures.

Oliviasmommi said...

Well, I am looking forward to Halloween this year. It is my son's last year to Trick or Treat (He is 12). And, honestly, I do not think he has ever trick or treated without me. When I think about it, that sounds really lame. Poor kid!

glory said...

see dis right here, is exactly why i ain't trying to raise my kids in military housing. damn nuts... but me and wiffleball wanda have a lot in common. i used to be the kind to fight over that word...

CaffeineDiva said...

"You guys better lay low for a week or so, until the smoke clears. Those fuckers are going to want revenge!" I would love to hear my mom say that shit!

You absolutely deserved to be smacked by Wanda... but I sense that you know that now.

Great post Pissy Drawers Fuck face!

dragonfly of the night said...

Nice Halloween memories you have..I liked especially the one of "Shotgun Larry"..so amusing..you really have the talent of a story teller..
Thanks for the comment on my blog.

VAN007 said...

Wanda... now that's some funny stuff.

"Shotgun Larry" I think every neighborhood had their crazy vietnam vets. Ours was this man named "Russia" not sure how he got the name Russia, but either way there were crazy fun times in my Hood.

Dominique said...

I am so in love with your blog. This post is HILARIOUS...dang it brings backs memories of all my Halloween mishaps....."Pissy Drawers"...is priceless.

melette said...

Your Mom is a comedianne, for real! Pissy draws is classic! Wanda sounds scary.

GoddessNoir said...

Ha, your mom is too funny, reminds me of the time when I ran home crying because some girl threatend to beat my ass (I was like 8) my mother who too is a pretty straight laced woman tells me "You BETTER go back down the block and kick that bitch's ass. If you don't kick her ass, I'M going to kick YOUR ass". Needless to say, I went up the block and kicked that bitch's ass. We all need our mom to get like that every so often.

dondon009 said...

What fun reading this post.... I haven't thought about Halloween as a child for a very long time.

I do remember that I wasn't very happy when some old lady would hand me an apple!

Apples were an automatic "turn the garbage cans over!"

I love your mother... but I'm not certain it was very wise to let all your readers you were called "Pissy drawers"... seems to have already caught on!

nosthegametoo said...

I'm glad that my memories of Halloween are so great. Thanks for bringing some of them back.

First, there are those with my father when I was a child, then with my buddys and a young kid, then with the girls at the Holloween parties as I got older.

I really need a good costume this year.

Andrea said...

I am sitting at work reading this trying so desperatly not to laugh out loud I have tears running down my face. Due to mascara I now look like I put on a halowwen mask.
Thanks man.
oh and thanks for stopping by the other day.

Starla Spaulding said...

I figured out before the end of your story that Big Wanda had the hots for you.

Great post.

Reddy said...

Totally damn hillarious.. wipes tears from my eyes.. gotta catch my breath after that one.. damn

Nia said...

You know with all the stories I've read of yours....I find it hard to believe you live a normal life.

Chele said...

I hope folks don't intend to change your name from HC to PD. That was a cold shot in the ribs lol

I thought it was just nasty lil nappy-headed boys who beat up on you as an expression of lub.

Ms Peculiar said...

PD - I wonder if thats where P Diddy got his name.. from doin a little diddy in his pissy drawers... A girl kicked my son in the leg today at school and his Taekwondo kicked in- he popped her in the face. Then apologized for his reaction. Another boy tried to make him apologize but grabbing him around the neck. My 5 foot tall son told this 5 f 11i boy that if he didn't get offa him he was going to break his arm. He did. The girl likes me son. He doesnt like her. She should not have tried to kick him in the nuts.
If she had succeeded.. he would have been pissy drawers too and I would have had to hunt her little 8th grade azz down and get my nun chucks.. why I outta... Nice post. It's true... girls beat up the boys they have a crush on.

**RPM** said...

How about I knew a crazed Vietnam vet named Harold, that never went to Vietnam. He just knew the stories and did so much research on it, he became as warped as many vets were...and still are.

Brought a whole new perspective to the words, "weird harold."

Brother OMi said...

wiffle bat.. man i have not heard that in awhile. my son loves them but he is 11 and only deals with books now (which i love)

but i remember getting hit with a few of those

Brando said...

Humanity Critic, that was a great post. I lived in Navy housing and I can totally relate. LOL at your mom telling you to lay low.

Would have been funny if Wanda bounced back up like Michael Myers and continued to come after you.

Count said...

You guys were pretty bold messin' wit Larry's ass. I never went Trick a Treating as a child. By the time I did go I was a fucked up teenager and needless to say I was out causing havoc.

Hey HC, you and your peeps check out my new fiction blog in your spare time. Peace!!

Deirdre said...

Bravo once again:)

The Kobe Bryant reference was Hee-Larry-Ous!

Running2Ks said...

I love Halloween. Y'all don't scare me!

piranha said...

yeah, we don't have halloween really over there in germany, but in the night to the first of may we have the 'walpurgis night' which is the witch night and pretty much the same except for kids not asking for candy and shit but just running around at night and causing harm to everything that isn't fastened to the ground....
your stories are really worth a book HC and I know we all would love it.
And yes, I also beat boys i liked. lol, isn't that strange. we just want to show off i guess, but then again, guys seem to like the shy ones better with whom they feel like the protectors. too bad.
i have never kicked someone in the face and i get a chill thinkingn of it, it s like the most disrespectful thing to do that i can think of....

Thinkerbelle said...

Wanda is my new hero! LOL

jaimie said...

You are so funny. I read your blog all the time, but have never posted. Excellent writing...

E said...

Wow, you certainly have had some memorable Halloweens. My folks wouldn't let me treat or treat in our neighborhood. Not that I was that pressed.

Awww, poor Wanda..:-)

Joanne said...

That was laugh-out-loud funny! Now you got me walking down Halloween memory lane.

And I too figured Wanda lubbed you from the first; I once pushed a little boy I liked down a flight of steps.

miyna said...

Aww, Wanda lurves you! How cute! And yeah - cuz young girls don't touch boys they don't like with their hands. A fist, maybe. But she slapped you with an open palm? That's a full-on groping in elementary school, son. Where you been? LOL!

I'm not even gonna mess with you on that 'Pissy Drawers' point man. That's messed up (Y'all leave him alone!). Dude was a serious pillowcase.

Kathryn said...

This is so hilarious. Have you ever thought about publishing your memoirs? I wish Halloween was that big a deal back in the day so I could remminicse like that.

LadyLee said...

Funny Post, Humanity Critic..

"Pissy Drawers"... that's classic... I bet your Mama still reminds you of that moment to this very day, hunh? LOL!!

Neil said...

Where are the kids today? Last year I had to eat 100 little packages of Milk Duds because those little wimps didn't show up. Is this what America is producing? A bunch of overweight, lazy kids who are too scared of their own asses to come to our houses for a little trick or treating?

Ruben said...

Very entertaining.w

BIG~MOMMA~C. said...

HC, I lo-o-o-ove your shit!! I think you may be working at a comedy channel and writing stuff for those unfunny comedians who need your talented musings! You are da bomb!!! Love ya, "pissy drawers"!!!

^j^^j^ ~*BigMomma*~ ^j^^j^

(angels for you!)

Rose said...

Okay I am loving the way you tell these stories. Especially when your mom said to lay low....mothers are like that. They don't want you to get hurt or to start stuff but they don't want you to run because they know that when you do, you are going to be chased home daily. When I was ten a girl jumped me and tore my collar off my dress, mother sent me back and told me not to return until I whooped that girls' tail. You can't do that now...kids carry guns...no fighting fair...

Brotha Buck said...

Moms never remember the good stuff. Especially if cussing or drinking is involved.

Nova said...

LMAO @ your situation with Wanda. Yeah beating us isn't the best way for women to show that they'r interested. I swear there's no way in hell I could read your blog during class.

Breez said...

As a parent, I'm ashamed that I've spent this long laughing at a child getting struck by a car. What's funnier is that it took a car to get her off your ass. Great post!

Dr. Deborah Serani said...

Extremely funny post! Love that your mom told you to "lay low"....

~Deb

Georgiapeach said...

This has to be the funniest. My stomach hurts from laughing so hard. OMG. You are a trip. Funny post.

Fred said...

Wonderful post! I'm now keeping my kids locked up in the house for Halloween. If they have a problem with that, I'll send them your way. :)

glory said...

see when you take this long in between posts i start worrying about whether or not we should be collecting bail money cause you done lost your temper and couldn't get ole girl on the phone. holla at us HC fore we have to put out the APB...

DJ Diva said...

I gotta leave a comment...cause u are nuttier that squirrel shit!...Lord lord...I too have been happy at a car accident...similar to eric bonet getting hit in Georgy Porgy LOL

Shon said...

What the fuck???? It's the 25th at 2:07. Where the hell is your blog?

Oliviasmommi said...

The natives are getting restless...

feels good b n FREE said...

hmmm