Call it simple idiosyncrasies or just plain bad habits, but some of the things that people do on a regular basis piss me the fuck off. If it isn't the way my brother lets out a inappropriate "Ahhhh!" after taking a drink like he had just ran a marathon and shit, or the way a friend of mine continuously says "Huh?" after every time you say something even though she heard what the fuck you said, sometimes I want to choke the living shit out of people sometimes. Being that I am pretty vocal about my irritation immediately, I thought it was time to be less of an asshole and expose some of my bad habits. Here are a few, and don't worry, I won't go into my chronic masturbation, I've touched on the subject enough.("touched on", "masturbation", hee-hee)
Knuckle Cracking: As long as I remember I have cracked my knuckles, it has to be my most severe habit to date. This has to be the habit that irritates those around me the most, making people cringe in agony as I crack my knuckles 5 at a time. Hell, I even lost a girlfriend one time because of this habit, but being that she found giving "mouth-hugs" to be disgusting, she had a rather short shelf life in the first place. Even though I'm glad that this is the only "crack" that I am addicted to, I crack other things as well, turning this habit into a full fledged way of life. Lets see, I crack my knees, neck, elbow, ankles, toes, wrists, back, and I can even make my jaw make a popping noise ever since I got punched really hard in the face one time. When people give me that same old "But you'll get arthritis" line, I brush them off with the same blind naivete that people have that think that the whole moon landing was "staged".
Talking to Myself: I've heard for many years, especially from my father, that it is fine to talk to yourself unless you start to "answer yourself", but it can be an embarrassing habit nontheless. Granted, I don't do it that often, and most of the time the dialog consists of me saying something like "Who does that motherfucker think he is talking to!!??", it can make people question your sanity. For example, a couple of years ago I was walking my dog and verbally going over a relationship situation in my life at the time. Talking to myself, I said: I wonder if I should pursue that girl or not, she said she likes me, but she just got out of a long term relationship though. Shit, but those thighs, to quote a famous leprechaun, are magically delicious. Not only that she either digs my love-making, or she is one hell of an actress, either way it is quite the ego stroke.." I thought I was alone, rambling to myself in a way that only a deranged homeless man could relate to, but I wasn't. Apparently an old lady was right behind me, walking her dog, and as soon as I turned around she said, "You should try to pursue that, she sounds like one hot number!!" Yeah I was embarrassed, so now when I am caught talking to myself I act like I have a cell phone ear piece in, even though I know people don't buy my wack theatrics.
My Potty-mouth: I love curse words, to the point that I incorporate them in my every day vernacular. Some people say that using excessive curse words just exposes the fact that a person has a limited vocabulary, and using said words is the only way that they can accurately express themselves. Well, Fuck those motherfuckers, that's what I say. But really, I am secure with my vocabulary and only use swear words as sort of a "seasoning" to my daily diatribes. This is indeed a bad habit, but not one that I am concerned about in the slightest, but when I say I have a "potty mouth" I mean something totally different in this case. No, it's not some sort of fecal fetish either, just childish bathroom humor, let me explain. Ever since I was a kid, I found it funny to come out of the bathroom after going "Number 2" and saying to whomever was listening "I feel so clear now!!" Another golden oldie was when I would try and make my old man laugh by finishing my "bathroom duties"(or "dooties") and yelling something inappropriate like, "I just lost weight!!. As I got older the phrases changed like my quoting Ice Cube and saying, "Comin' out, feeling about, 10 pounds lighter!!" or "I just saw the "browns" in the "Superbowl". I know, childish, and not really one to endear me to the opposite sex, but I am the same guy who currently rides a skateboard and who's favorite movie is "Willy Wonka and the Chocolate factory", so I guess you have to consider the source.
My Big Mouth: Like the chronic masturbator who once accidentally used super glue instead on hand lotion, it is extremely hard for me to let some shit go. For example, I was in a restaurant where this woman was praising Mariah Carey for her being an "innovator" by having the "first hip hop and R&B collaboration" with the ODB. Outraged, and somewhat drunk, I said "How about Jody Watley and Rakim with the song "Friends", you shithead?? Yeah, I should have just let their public inaccuracy go, and the fact that I was on a first date with someone didn't help things. Or the local radio personality and the way I questioned her sanity, her intelligence, and her sobriety after she had the nerve to claim that "John Legend outsang Stevie Wonder" during a performance that they gave. I pointed out that beside the fact that John Legend doesn't have the muscle fibers to carry Stevie Wonder's jockstrap on his best day, but also that Stevie is a very unselfish performer who will scale down his own performance to give the other person some shine. I think the conversation ended on me calling her a "Clear-Channel puppet", a "douchebag" and that she should resign as soon as possible because her "incompetence was embarrassing". I know, it wasn't that serious, but I felt better though.
Flipping my Hair: Growing dreadlocks for more than 10 years has left me looking, in the eyes of some, like a "black Rapunzel", "black Jesus", or a "Chubby black bastard who is in desperate need of a haircut". I put it in a pony tail sometimes, or I have some girl that I know put them in a sort of braided pony tail, but for the most part I leave them dangling in the wind. Leaving them like that causes me to do something that is not in the least bit masculine, flip my hair. I mean, not only do I do it with my hand, making me look like one of "Charlies Angels" circa 1977, but I also do it with the whip of my neck which looks uber feminine. I don't do it on purpose, it is like a reflex, but when people see it they usually give me a "He obviously doesn't know how gay that looks" face. This one time I was helping my brother carry some huge engines at my fathers old auto repair shop before we closed it down, and I grabbed something heavy by myself forcing my mother to say, "Look at my strong baby boy, looking like a real man!!" Well, right when she said that I did my feminine "hair whip" and she said, "..that was until you did that, Farah Fawcett!!"