Tuesday, October 24, 2006
Another Edition of "HumanityCritic's Asshole moments"
As much as I've tried to resist it, because it constantly causes me to ruin more relationships than my cock does, I have come to terms with the fact that I will always embrace my inner asshole. I've had therapy, took a tai-chi classe, went through a plethora of breathing exercises, even fucked a Buddhist chick recently, but no matter what tactic I use I feel I will never be able to control what comes out of my mouth. Because of this fact, my friend Randy likens my existence to the Yankees, because either you are going to love me or absolutely loathe me. I mean, at the end of the day we all want to be generally liked right?? Based on that I try my best to keep certain things to myself, but lately I've come to grips with the fact that I suffer from Turrets, the type that assholes have. Here are a few examples.
My Christian friend's new Bride: I have a good friend named Mark, who after many years of snorting cocaine off of the deviant asses of prostitutes and putting his penis in more dangerous situations than a reporter in Iraq, decided to become a born again christian. I believe in God, but I'm a heathen, so when it comes to religion I have a bad taste in my mouth similar to alter boys after post-coidal priest sex. As a friend I tried to be supportive, as he lectured me about my deviant sexual habits with the opposite sex, but I usually ended up giggling and reminding him how I used to call him "The Proctologist" based on the mass amounts of girls who he screwed in their most naughty of orifices. Anyway, when Mark told me he was getting married I was truly happy for him, I didn't even have anything smart to say, that was until he told me that his bride to be was a virgin. With a fart smelling frown on my face I asked, "She's 35 and a virgin?? Bullllshiiiit!" He looked at me with the confidence of Superman when faced with a handgun-weilding criminal, he said "She has waited until her wedding day to give herself to me, and if you had any concept of loving the lord you would understand HumanityCritic!!!' I was going to just let it go, but I just had to say "That doesn't make since. I mean, if someone told you that they had a 1972 Nova with under 50,000 miles you would think they were full of shit. No offense, but by the looks of your bride to be, the odometer has flipped a few times, that's the only reason it appears that she has low mileage!!"
He didn't speak to me for a while after that, that was until after the wedding when he called me 3am one morning. He said, "HumanityCritic, you were right!!" I knew what he was talking about immediately, so I said "She wasn't a virgin huh? She was so wide it was like a ringer in a cowbell huh?? A Slim Jim in a whales mouth?? Her vagina was the proverbial clown-car right??" After a few more asshole-worthy comparisons later he stopped me, confirmed what I was saying, and told me that she sobbingly admitted that she has had more cocks in her than a chicken coop. There was a long silence on the phone, so I ended our conversation with "Look on the bright side, look at all the years and the "come on girl, it's just protein" conversations you have saved yourself just to get her to swallow."
Talking my way out of panties:If there was a Guiness Book of World Records for talking yourself out of sex, I would win by leaps and bounds. A recent example was the other night as I was having a few drinks at the fancy smancy bar across town. I forgot how exactly I was talking to this busty Latina, but all I know is that she was hanging on my every word and she was laughing hysterically at jokes that weren't even funny. I definitely saw ass in my near future, so all I had to do was put my mouth on auto-pilot and not fuck it up. She said some good things about Bush, I didn't ruin it, she said she hated Kobe Bryant, I didn't crack, she expressed her love for Reggae-ton, I was like one of those fucking beef-eaters in London and shit. That's when she asked me, "What would I have to say that would make you run for the hills?" That's when I said, unfortunately, "Um.. I don't know, if you had like six kids all by different daddy's and shit??!!" Come to find out, she had 5 kids by 5 different daddy's..
Respect for my elders: There is an old black man that frequents a bar that I go to, a pretty nice guy outside of his Uncle Tom Nature, his ill-advised insults, and bathing habits that make me think that he baths when Bush's approval numbers are over 50%. Anyway, based on his advanced age and his preacher like delivery of speech, I call him "Old Negro Spiritual". He hates that nickname and I don't give a fuck, but that isn't exactly the asshole part. Apparently this black chick named Pearl, for some reason, thinks that "ONS" has a lot of money stashed somewhere. Because of this she will flirt with him, put here tits in his face, and give him mini-lap dances on a regular basis. Everyone tells him that he should put some of his geriactric love inside of her, but he refuses because he feels that she will give him some sort of disease. Unfortuantely, this is what I told him: "Dude, you are a few breaths away from a dirt nap anyway, what does it matter if she gives you a disease?? Shit man, in the game of life your crusty ass is in double fucking overtime, go for yours for Christs sake!!"
I beat up Kevin Federline: Ok, it wasn't the real K-Fed with Rhyme skills so horrible he makes lil Kim look like Rakim, but it had to be his biggest fan in the world. See, I was going to see my friend's band perform at some local shit-hole, so when I approached the bar I gave my boy a pound(handshake) and one of those half hugs heterosexual men give each other. Apparently, while greeting my friend I had slightly bumped into this fellow that had a baseball cap on, unkept hair and beard, baggy jeans, and a wife beater, the best candidate for Kevin Federlines fan club I'd say. Anyway, he looks at me and says, "Watch what the fuck you're doing nigga!!" Immediately I could tell that he used that racial slur the same way black folks use it as a term of endearment(I'm not condoning either) based on his "blaccent", and the black friends around him. Without thinking, or even trying to be civil about it, I immediately punched dude in the face, stood over his body and said "Stay down or I will choke you to death with your wife beater!!" It was an overreaction and I knew it, but at least I could hide behind the fact that he called me a racial slur.