Friday, October 13, 2006

My Mother and I discuss a few songs on my IPOD, again..

You know how in my "dreadlock" post I stated that my father was completely opposed to me locking my hair at first, because he thought that I'd look like an "Our Gang" character or some shit, but after a year or so he did a complete 180, even telling me on his death bead to "never to cut my hair"? Well, when it comes to my mother and this blog she has done a similar about face. When she first learned that I used this website as my personal soapbox and online therapist she was none too pleased, not because she felt that I should keep some things private, but because she has always had a feeling that the FEDS keep files on black men and all I was doing was just padding their research. Well, after I involved her in the last "My Mother and I discuss a few songs on my IPOD" post she has blindly supported my blog, even giving me helpful hints like "Tell them about that 4 month period in High School where you wet the bed every night", "Tell them about that time that girl beat your ass, be sure to add the fact that she was retarded and visually impaired", and "Hey, tell them the time when your ex girlfriend dropped you like a bad habit and how you sobbed like a bitch in a soap opera for months". So, to avoid going into detail about any of those embarrassing requests from my mother, I think I will just play her some songs off of my IPOD again.

Del tha Funkee Homosapien:
"The Wacky World of Rapid Transit"

Mom: Who is this, and when did this come out??

HumanityCritic: This is Del Tha Funkee Homosapien, and this came out around 1991. Do you like this?

Mom: Not bad, he has a pretty decent style, a steady flow..

HumanityCritic: "Steady Flow"?? It sounds like you are talking about a chicks period.. What do you know about flow anyways??

Mom: I've heard your ass wax poetic about the subject for years. You would be surprised at some of the useless shit I've picked up listening to your silly ass. (Pauses) Wait, did that guy just say "Ah yo, you Rosa Parks son motherfucker, bring your ass back here!!"

HumanityCritic: He did..

Mom:(Spends the next few moments chuckling like a school girl)

George Michael: "Careless Whisper"

HumanityCritic:(Nervously looking at my mother)

Mom: Wait a goddamn minute, didn't this song come on the last time we did this??

HumanityCritic: I think, so what?

Mom: "So what"?? I think your IPOD is trying to tell me something, something that I had secretly known for years, the real reason I don't have a daughter-in-law or any grand-kids to speak of..

HumanityCritic: No mom, I'm not gay, I get more ass than a toilet seat thank you..

Mom: So says the guy who has Careless "fucking " Whisper in his IPOD. Just admit it already, I wouldn't shun you if you were gay, we can go shoe shopping together, catch a Barbara Streisand show or some shit..

HumanityCritic: I'm playing the next song now.

John Legend: "Save Room"

HumanityCritic: When I first saw the title of this song I thought it was about what a soldier tells his woman as he is going to war, hoping that she stays faithful, "Save Room".

Mom: That's a pleasant thought.. Critic, you really like this guy??

HumanityCritic: He's alright, I'm kind of indifferent about him though..

Mom: I'm indifferent about some of my bowel movements, it doesn't mean I want to give them a ringing endorsement. John Legend is alright, but, but..

HumanityCritic: He kind of comes across like a glorified lounge singer??

Mom: YES!!

HumanityCritic: I feel you, this local radio personality on 103 Jamz tried to say that he out-sang Stevie Wonder during a live duet they performed. I sent her about 20 angry letters saying that she should publicly apologize, retract that bit of idiocy, and resign her position of irrelevant radio host immediately. My letters have gone unanswered though.

Mom: (shaking head, mumbling)Fucking psycho.

Sam Cooke: "A Change is Gonna Come"

Mom: I love this song, you did know that this is a protest song??

HumanityCritic: I knew that!! Do you think I'm stupid or something??

Mom: Did you know that Sam Cooke was so moved by Bob Dylan's "Blowin in the Wind" about racism in America that "A Change is Gonna Come" is sort of a answer record??

HumanityCritic: Ok, I didn't know that..

Mom: Did you also know that The band, The 5th Dimension, Otis Redding, The Neville Brothers, Terence Trent D'Arby, and The Supremes covered this song?

HumanityCritic: No Yoda, I didn't know that, you got me..

Mom: Do you have anything relevant to add to this discussion?

HumanityCritic: Um, well, I always thought that the playing of this song in "Malcolm X" was a little eerie, knowing that he was about to meet his untimely demise.

Mom: (Shakes head)

Tela ft Eightball & MJG: "ShoNuff"

Mom: I know a strip-club song when I hear one, this tune brings to mind women named Lexus and fake breasts as far as the human eye can see. This doesn't seem to be your style, what gives?

HumanityCritic: I just like this song, what can I say? It probably has something to do with this stripper I used to date at the time named Candy, she used to do this interesting thing with her mouth where..

Mom: If you finish that sentence I'll kick you in the chest!!

HumanityCritic: Ok, Ok, my bad. But you have brought up a phrase that I'm going to use from now on though, "Strip Club Rappers"!!

Mom: I'm glad that I could add to your overly critical vocabulary.

Public Enemy: "Welcome to the Terrordome"

Mom: I know who this is, Public Enemy!! Hey, what do you feel about "Flavor of Love"?

:(folding my arms) I don't want to talk about it..

Mom: Come on, a member of what you call "the most important group in Hip Hop history" is shucking and jiving on Vh1.(leaning towards in a sarcastic manner) Thoughts?

HumanityCritic:(quickly changing the topic) So, what do you think of this song??

Mom: Is this is the one where they go into the "Greekfest" riots that happened here years ago?? Yeah, they were beating black-folks something fierce.

HumanityCritic: I know, I was down there fighting cops, helping my brothers and sisters out, fighting for freedom.

Mom: Negro, we were in South Carolina visiting your Aunt when this happened. Fake ass revolutionary!

HumanityCritic: Ok, you got me.


David said...

Hey HC, Happy Friday the 13! :) Actually, I'm not the superstitious type, today is the same as any other day. Man, I still can't believe you talk about all this stuff with your mom!

Angie said...

Love it!

mb said...

omg, I love your mom.

solitaire said...

Tell Mom the Campaign Manager said hi!! :o) When you gon' post 'bout me? ;o)

Anyway, I thought playing Sam Cooke was eerie as well. Damn, I love that song AND that movie.

(Tell Mom Leela James covered the song as well...and it's the BEST cover I've ever heard).

Brother OMi said...

i can dig it... inspiration coming on...

mutoni said...

"I'm indifferent about some of my bowel movements"

wanna trade moms for a day?

Ladynay said...

My mom is the best, but your mom is cool as I don't know what!

brooklyn babe said...

Wow... Momz was gonna kick U in 'da chest?????

So that's where the violent sides come from... I see now.

George Michael huh???

I can dig, I liked him too... when he was not that deep in the closet.

Mo! said...

"Do you think I'm stupid or something?"

The funniest part of this post. Exactly what I would have said.

jameil1922 said...

LMAO@ your mom callin you a fake ass revolutionary. tela is hilarious! and that's the perfect description for him and devin the dude.

Epsilonicus said...

I wish I could do this with my mom.

Reese The Law Girl said...

I'm with Jameil, the fake ass revolutionary comment was classic.

Your mom is cool! :D

Nikki said...

I am over here rollin'! Your Mom is a trip. She could hang with me anytime.

jirzygurl said...

I agree with your mom... george michael makes you suspect! LOL! but for real this is hilarious. your mom should get her own blog... heh heh heh.

josie said...

i dont really like john legend but i love that save room song and some other song where he says fly away