Wednesday, October 18, 2006

These types of women absolutely love me!!!

Don't get it twisted, just because I nickname my genitalia "The Black Myth Ruiner", and I go on and on about not getting a decent piece of ass to write home about since the Clinton Impeachment hearings, don't think that I don't get approached by the ladies. I'm a decent enough looking guy, I always dress casually but not to the point that I should be holding a sign on the side of the road somewhere, I occasionally hold doors for women, and I have the proverbial poker face so strangers can't tell that I'm an anti-social pre-ejaculator who's pet-peeves are Valentines Day, post coital snuggling, kids that aren't mine, and people in fucking general. Listen, I know I talk tougher than a beef jerky salesman when it comes to relationships, but I would really like to start a family one day. The chances of a chick letting me infect her with my demon-seed without at least attempting some sort of union is slimmer than Paris Hilton's ankles, so lately I have found myself exploring every available opportunity. The problem is, when I'm not wasting time entertaining myself with the possibilities of having sex with that Black Republican chick while spouting Bush's low approval ratings, or becoming intimate with that ex-Lesbian while saying "Stop frowning and pretend its a dildo!", I find myself being approached by the same types of females. Again, beggars can't be choosers, but you have to draw a line somewhere.

Older Women: I don't have a problem with older women in general, I'm sure there is some woman out there born before 1973 that I'd probably backhand my mother for.(Don't worry, moms can take a punch) I'm just speaking on the many older women that I have dealt with in the past, so if you are an older woman and still want a piece of old HumanityCritic, you're crazy as cat-shit??!!(Haven't you read my blog?? You geriatric temptress you!!) But seriously, I've dealt with older women who treat me like, *gulp*, their son.. I had one chick cook me breakfast and say "Be sure to drink all that milk, we want healthy bones don't we??", one woman asked me if I needed money before I left, and the worst offense of all was when this one chick told me about a job she worked the year I was born.(Come the fuck on now, that shit isn't sexy!!) I've come to the conclusion that a few years older is fine, even a decade, but if you tell me how you volunteered for Kennedy before his presidency, was once in the audience during a taping of "The Ed Sullivan Show", or once fucked Jim Brown while he was with the Cleveland Browns, I might have to ignore your advances. Sorry.

Black acting white girls: I have to agree with the comedian Paul Mooney when he said, "I like my white people white!!" Of course that isn't an indictment of any white person who likes any facet of black culture, I'm talking about those white folks who are literally trying to be black. I mean, I know a white guy named Dave who was raised around black folks in Florida, and when you close your eyes and listen to him talk he sounds like Trick Daddy, that's ok. I also know this white Chick named Glenda who was adopted and raised by a loving black family, I feel that as well. But for some reason I always attract chicks who were born with the name Becky, for some reason they suddenly change it to Bonifa, and they think that random neck movements and broken English endears them to black folks somehow. Like I said before, this isn't a race thing, I'd lose a significant amount of readers if I chose to go into specific detail concerning all the things I want to do with Janeane Garofalo and bowel of macaroni and cheese. But besides using the N-Word, re-enacting every stereotype imaginable, and most of the time being a fan of sub-par Hip Hop, that isn't even the worst of it. Nothing makes a brother want to go on a killing spree like having your "blackness" questioned by a white girl. No shit, this one chick said "You talk white, what's up with that??" Before I could get out my scathing retort about how colloquialisms don't measure "blackness", the same chick looked at my dreads and asked "Do you actually know the history of dreadlocks??" I wasn't having my blackness questioned by a chick that embraced black culture on the strength of Tupac's "I get Around", so I left before there was an incident.

Girls who I can share my razor with: I don't know what it is, but I'm very popular with women with goatees. I can't explain it, maybe my beard is akin to a dog whistle to a simple Canine, but more chicks with hair on their faces follow me around like I'm the pied piper and shit. I'm not talking about women who might have a slight mustache that they failed to wax, I'm talking about broads so secure with their facial hair that they have begun to style that shit. I don't mean to offend any of my readers out there who like looking like Tom Selleck on "Magnum P.I", or Burt Reynolds during his "Smokey and the Bandit" period, but that shit isn't sexy. Not only isn't it sexy, why am I always the one that they go after, I guess I have "low standards" written on my forehead or some shit. Ladies, if you belong to WWS(Women with 'staches), shave that shit, or stop fucking with me.


Peach said...

i wrote a post about white girls acting black. it makes me so crazy. I knew a white girl with purple weave, walking around proud as hell that she has three kids by three different men talkin like "I hate my baby dadies, aint nan one of them niggas bout shit, u know what im sayyyiiin?" *shivers* I cant handle it

Jules said...

I hear you with that. I stay pulling chicks that are older than me. And it's creepy, I don't need no woman that has cobwebs between her legs to give me a old type of VD, all not having any cures and what not.

I also found that big girls love me. I mean, I love them too... they my people. But they try to get in my pants and that's a no no.

Ciiku said...



Where do you get this stuff????

911 said...

What if they're the shape shifting white girls.....meaning that got an ass and whatever else you could dream of....i.e Ice T wife CoCo? Your not that old as to not want some cut and run action hahaha....1

Femigog said...

LOL! Styling their facial hair?!
Although I once knew a chick that had a yosemite Sam kinda thing going on...

Anonymous said...

Ice-T's wife is ugly, IMO...too plastic and not a natural blonde. Fake boobs, fake hair, fake tan, too much makeup. If that's his preference, oh well. On the note of interracial marriage, Tiger Woods' wife is very pretty.

I'm a white woman and I've never understood white people who try to be "down" with black folks by talking like they're from the "hood". First off, it is an insult to black people b/c not all blacks come from the projects or listen to rap or speak "ghetto/Ebonics". Popular culture dictates what is "cool" or acceptable. When white people assume a black identity or what they feel is a black identity while still being white, that is an insult b/c we will never know what it is to be black.

Peach, I feel you b/c I know a white girl who does that too. It drives me nuts b/c she comes from a well-to-do family . I'm white, married to a black man. However, I don't do all this neck-whirling stuff that I've seen other white women do, all in the name of fitting in with black culture. It makes no sense. If you were a white person raised in a mostly black environment, then it's understood...that is natural to the individual b/c of who they were surrounded by as children. It is OK b/c they aren't putting on an act. This happens rarely though, that a white person would grow up in a home surrounded by black people, even in foster care.

My husband and I know a Hispanic couple who identify themselves as being white people. I don't consider Hispanics/Latinos to be white, but that's another story. What bothers me is that the girl loves to throw the "N-word" around very often in his presence, and she once referred to me as a "N-lover". This is my husband's friend, mind you, but I had to say something to her. She doesn't say "nigga", she says it "The Other Way" know what I mean. I've never liked that term, whether from blacks or whites. I was offended by her comments and I'm not black. She thinks she's white and that entitles her to say whatever. My husband doesn't seem to mind which is puzzling, b/c he tends to see discrimination in almost every situation.

And I'm with you that no white person should be asking you if you know your history. I would've asked her if she was confused about her own racial identity, hence her adopting a black identity. I feel like open-minded, date/marry/love whoever you want to, but be yourself. Don't conform to anyone's rules or adopt a different persona to be accepted by certain groups. I'm not ashamed of being a well-read white woman who speaks properly and has a WASP name. I've only conrowed my hair once (and wound up looking stupid). I'm not with my husband b/c interracial love is suddenly "cool" once more. White folks who suddenly start listening to Paul Wall and Trina, wearing Sean John and Apple Bottoms and gold teeth, talking "street" and rolling their necks...need to be more in tune with their own cultures before they start adopting the ways of another, without assuming that this is a way of life for all black people.