Friday, October 06, 2006

Win a Date with Humantity F Critic!!: My 4th Date..

I have to be honest here, since I haven't had a steady stream of booty since the Clinton Impeachment hearings, I have thought entirely too much about folding that republican chick up like origami. Some people think that her politics shouldn't matter, that I should be more open, that my hesitation based on our opposing political ideologies is holding me back from possibly finding a soul-mate. All of which might be true, but I'm scared of black republican chicks the same way most homophobes are scared of gay guys, its not really about hating what they stand for but actually a secret fear that they might convert me to the "dark side" so to speak. I can see it now, doing The O'Reilly factor and attacking my own people on some "Uncle Ruckus" shit, condemning Hip Hop as that main culprit when it comes to the downfall of black civilization, saying that Strom Thurmond is my personal hero, all for the sake of pleasing my new Black republican girlfriend. I'm saying, I love ass, and just so I would receive a steady stream of mouth-hugs and the chance to pick an orifice of my choice to stick my "Black myth ruiner" into, I can see myself saying shit like how I pray to a shrine to Ronald Reagan, that I masturbate to vintage Richard Nixon speeches, and that Karl Rove is in my Top 8 on myspace.

Ok, I don't love ass that much, if you guys want to see a black dude shucking and jiving ad nauseum I suggest you rent a Cuba Gooding Jr, flick. That being said, I still haven't ruled out putting that black republican chick on the business end of a Humanity F Critic fuck-fest, there is something sexy about having dirty sex to a FOX News broadcast. Anyway, here is my fourth date.

Date #4: The Headwrap Chick The problem with alcohol, besides the fact that it ruins your liver and it makes me personally the sloppiest lay this side of a retarded porn star, it tends to give me a significant amount of game. Listen, I'm not scared to talk to women when I'm sober, but usually when I don't have any drinks in my I'm more of the "average man with a sharp wit and a softer side" guy. But when I am shit faced, I'm embarrassed to say, I'm more of the "What?? How haven't I fucked you yet? Give me your number, so when I call you just know that you and I are going to fuck like two stoned test bunnies" guy. Well, apparently I was the latter when I approached this chick named Janis, this artist chick equipped with the standard Hippy uniform, head-wrap and dashiki. I had known her a while through some mutual friends for a while and had visions of me one day fucking her to some goapele, taking off her head-wrap and using it as some sort of kinky hand restraints, all the way reciting impromptu spoken word poetry based on my penis, but I never thought that she particularly dug me.

Anyway, I pick her up for our date and she looks like she is going to a 70's theme costume party, no lie. She had these freaky ass boots on, jeans with flowers on them so tight that you could actually tell if she shaved her legs that day, a blouse that made me think that she went rifling through her mother's closet, and an Afro that would bitchslap Questlove's nappy mane like it was a pimps worst earner. As she got in the car I kept wondering who she reminded me on, as she talked about god knows what I was going through my mental rolodex, "Who does she remind me of??" Then the light bulb in my head came on, her ass looked like Bernadette Stanis, Thelma from "Good Times" and shit. Oh how I love Thelma, so my mind suddenly took me to a place where I could see myself saying shit like "Dynomite" during foreplay, then pounding my fist on the headboard during premature ejaculation, screaming "Damn, Damn, Damn!!!" Put it this way, I asked her to call me "JJ" for the rest of the night.

On the way to dinner things were going alright, I mean, she did claim that she was a member of PETA even though she had a leather belt on, but I could forgive that. But one thing that I couldn't forgive is the way her well manicured paws decided to fuck with my radio, a cardinal fucking sin in my book. Listen, if she took out my CD to listen to NPR or some respectable MC that the radio mistakenly decided to play then fine, but imagine my shock as she gyrated like Barney Fife on acid as a fucking Nelly song played. When I abruptly put my CD back in, trying to quickly dismiss what I consider a hell-worthy trespass for the sake of moistening my nether regions later.

We get to dinner and immediately she is telling me about some of the experiences that she has had with some of her more recent exes, but after like 5 minutes she is on her 20th ex and I'm beginning to think that this girl has had more cocks in her than a chicken coop. Yes I'm a horny bastard but I'm also a germaphobe, so with each mention of an ex I started to get nauseous, I even envision germcloud around her crotch akin to the dustcloud that follows "Pig Pen" around. Then we got our food, starting eating obviously, then she did something else that I hate: She started eating off of my plate. I don't mind if a woman wants to "try" something off of my plate, but this mangy broad was giving her plate and my plate the same amount of attention. She went back and forth between both dishes like a goddamn DJ, to the point that I threw my arm around my plate on some Mike Tyson "My style is impetuous. My defenses impregnable" shit.

Lets see, after that she continued to smack when she ate like she had no home training, she was rude to the wait staff, I didn't even mention how she ordered from the "Yeah, you are at least giving me a hand-job" side of the menu. She was beautiful and I really wanted to disappoint her sexually, but not only did she irritate me, but she committed so many date infractions that I felt that she was my arch enemy. The same way Superman had Lex Luther, Spiderman had the Green Goblin, LL Cool J had Kool Moe Dee, the way Black folks had Ronald Reagan, I had this greedy, Eryka "Ba-don't" chick.

Despite all of that I still wanted to play the character of "G.Y.N with a hidden agenda", so I went back to her house. Her house was an absolute mess with a distinct pissy aroma that tickled my nostrils, so I high tailed it out of there. Like I said before, I don't mess with a chick with a messy house, just imagine the sorry state of affairs she keeps her vagina.

19 comments:

Rik said...

Funny! I hope it gets better for you...

Anonymous said...

OH SHIT!

Rose said...

You are too funny. So now you are looking for a date. Maybe soon things will get better for you.

X Factor said...

Oh I am SO hooked on this blog... at first I assumed that you were just ba little too preoccupied with getting some ass, but this date sounds like the one from hell. Who eats off a man's plate on the first date? And who orders off "that" side of the menu the first time they go out with a man. You are hilarious...

ManNMotion said...

Long long ago I used to drink a little bit and remember taking two slaps from the same girl in one night. Okay, so I kind of remember it. As far as I can remember no dates resulted.

iwiwag said...

????

jameil1922 said...

geez... that's a horrible story. i can't believe people w/all those issues exist. craziness. and lmao@ "I asked her to call me "JJ" for the rest of the night" lies!! hilarious.

spchrist said...

You have the best one-liners in the blog world. I would have slapped her hand (playfully) the first time she did that and ended the date the second time she did that. A woman would a dirty apartment/house is SUCH a turnoff and you are so right...if she keeps her apartment/house dirty...you only have to wonder what else she keeps dirty.

Michael Morgan said...

Oh my days I laughed till I cried...ya killin me!!

dmbmeg said...

Isn't it poor form to talk about your exes on your first date? and if a guy ever, EVER eats off my plate, I would throw the napkin in right there. And take my dinner with me as I go.

Movie Buff said...

LOL.... u really are a genius!....

Of all the dates, this has got to be the worst yet.....

Can u imagine the nastiness?? Maybe she doesnt shave.... ew!

acolyte said...

Damn this post was on point!
Why is it that some of the chics who have that whole headwrap earthy image have so many issues!
Damn gotta go back to pretending to work!

Stacie von Kutieboots said...

oh no!!!!!!!!! OMG! I don't want anyone to touch my music. are you really going to take out Black Star to twerk to 50 cent? I'll be damned. she was HORRIBLE!!! Ewww!

Epsilonicus said...

I would have kicked her out the car for touching the music. Thats rude as get out. I would have put her out right in the middle of the road.

Peach said...

wow your dating experiences sound crappy!! lol sorry to hear all that. Yea i dont like eating off other peoples plates, i have just never done that. might snatch a fry from the McDonalds bag before i bring it home to you, but i promise to replace it with some of mine hehe

BZ said...

Dealbreaker: when a mf chews with his mouth open. It probably would have been over when the car stereo was touched by hands other than my own. But the food smacking would have been the last straw.

Brother OMi said...

she has the look but not the appeal... i feel you

Jams said...

Hehehehe

YOu almost make me feel sorry for you..but not quite, lol

On the radio tip.. the hand wouldabeen slapped BEFORE it touched anything. and I woulda had to 'plain some rules.. Rule #1.. Dont touch the isht!!! Rule #2.. see rule numba 1. Any questions get out and think about it..

On the eating off the plate thing.. As my uncle tol me when I was a crumbsnatcher eyeballing something on his plate. He told me in a matterof fact tone.."Jams your eyes may shine and your teeth may grit but some of my food you WONT get!!! So me being the golden niece, decides that my fav uncle was joking and decided to ignore his warnings and reached on his plate. TO which he quickly stabbed me with his fork.
As I walk away shocked and mamed wit hmy uncle saying "I told you dont put yo hands in my plate"...

So moral of story if my grown tail uncle can stab a small defense sweety pie like myself for violating his 'no fly zone' then the next mofo has it coming..

I got issues with smells and stuff too.. I cant get down with 'funny'smelling ppl and places so all in all I give u 2 thumbs up for making it thru the night w/out violence

Toodles

E Diddy said...

Man, I wouldn't care what shit was coming out of her mouth. If she looked like Thelma, I'd hit that ass on a pile of dirty diapers while her illegitimate love child cried in the next room. My God, I still think of Thelma. My first love. The "Damn, damn, damn" comment still brings a tear to my eye. I have got to get some Good Times on DVD!