Friday, October 20, 2006

Ask HumanityCritic..

I would have thought that my blog is the proverbial smoking gun document, proving that I'm the last person on earth who should be giving anyone advice. Since I'm a few pounds overweight I can see if people asked me about proper buffet etiquette, since I have a history of violence I'd be useful to anyone wanting to know the correct way to throw a nose shattering elbow, and since I'm an insufferable prick I can understand if people asked for my assistance in ruining a relationship. But so many people email me with legitimate concerns beyond my scope of expertise I want to wave them along like a cop at a murder scene, "move along, there's nothing to see here!" But then I thought about it, I'm pretty goof at giving advice, I'm just horrible about following it. So, here is another episode of "Ask HumanityCritic"..

HumanityCritic, I love my girl to death but she loves the worst forms of Hip Hop(see Mike Jones, Weezy, and D4L). What do I do? Rob from Michigan

Well Rob, I was thinking about telling you to leave her ass immediately and giving you a "there are other fish in the sea" spiel, but since you're in love I'll think this one out. This is going to sound harsh, but if you constantly criticize her tastes in music you might give her a complex about it, which is a good thing. Whenever she mentions one of the rappers you named say some shit like, "That's not hip hop, those are strip club rappers!", make vomit sounds whenever she is bumping the latest Lil Wayne tune, when you are handling her CD's act like you are picking up feces, you know the "tip of the finger" approach. If that doesn't work, tie her ass down, put some headphones on her, and play "It Takes A Nation of Millions.." on a 48 hour loop. That might work.

HumanityCritic, whenever my brother-in-law comes over for dinner I always seem to be the butt of all his jokes. I don't want to say anything back because he is in a wheelchair, what should I do? Shawn, Virginia

Shawn, read this carefully, TIP HIS HANDICAPPED ASS OVER!!! I'm serious, I subscribe to the belief system that anyone is eligible for an ass-whipping. Listen, adults are no different than kids, if you let them run you over too long they will be absolutely out of control, so you have to spank that ass ever so often. If he talks shit, talk shit back, if he continues to talk shit walk over and tip his chair over and kick him in his dead legs.(He won't feel it anyway) Your wife might be mad at you for a while, but that motherfucker will think twice before he gives you shit again.

HumanityCritic, I know you loathe Black republicans but many black folks have turned that way because they feel the democrats take them for granted. What do you think? Crystal, Hawaii

I said this on another site, but I concede the fact that Democrats have taken black folks for granted and wouldn't be mad if someone went with a 3rd party candidate. But all those black folks who claim they are now republicans based on being taken for granted are full of shit, tell them I said that, I'm not hard to find. It's bullshit because it's like jumping out of the frying pan and into the fire, its like quitting a hit sitcom just to wind up in B-Movies, its like changing cells because one inmate talks too much and winding up in a cell where the guy has a pro-anal rape agenda. It just doesn't make any fucking sense.

HumanityCritic, you once criticized Dead Prez based on their stance of not voting because of the "evil of two lessers" argument. Do you care to elaborate? Malik, Tennessee

Not only do I think that that stance is intellectually lazy, but it encourages a sort of ignorance that the person is trying to desperately dress up as being "politically aware". Listen, if you feel that all politicians are "evil" then fine, but please don't give me the "those guys are all the same" nonsense. I'll tell you why that's bullshit: I'm not saying that Al Gore is a savior or anything, but do you think we would be in the state of chaos that we're in right now if he was our president. The lesser of two evils is looking pretty fucking good right about now.

HumanityCritic, I read on-line that Buffy the Body wants to be an actress. What do you think about that? Deb, North Carolina

Like an "actress-actress"?? That's what I don't get about these girls who got famous shaking their ass who suddenly want to become successful actresses. I'm not trying to crush her dreams, but she should be in a production that I would financially support, like porn. I know I'm not alone in saying that I'd rather see Buffy on the business end of a triple penetration, and not reciting lines somewhere. Ladies, I know I'm a pig, but the only lines I want to hear her recite are: "Oh HumanityCritic, it feels like your stabbing my small intestines!!"(..and scene!) But seriously though, she would better suited if she used her natural assets.(Ass-sets-get it?? I crack myself up sometime, like Humpty Dumpty with a cooked cocaine habit)

HumanityCritic, why don't you have anyone linked? What bloggers do you suggest? Dan, Ohio

The only reason I don't have people linked is because I'm a computer retard, and my blog template is jacked up like intergalactic car thieves. Who do I suggest? This guy is a great blogger and my homey, another homey with a dope blog, definitely this dude, she holds it down, can't forget about him, this guy. You know what, I have to get my template fixed so I can show you all the cats I'm feeling.

HumanityCritic, you are from VA, why don't you get any of the artists from your area love?? John Newport News, Va

I respect Pharrell, even though I'm the furthest thing from a loyal consumer of his merchandise. Missy's music irritates me like Fran Drescher's voice, but I respect her as a person though. But based on the fact that I think basing your career on a drug past that is non-existent, I do have a problem with the Clipse though.

HumanityCritic, why haven't you talked about your Bears lately? They are 5-0, what gives? Jenn Illinois

Yes, I'm a fan of the Bears, but I don't want to jinx my team by excessively talking about them. We saw what my rambling did for my Lakers.


Adam said...

Thanks for the shout out! Keep up the good work!

Peace, ADAM

Amadeo said...

The best excuse I ever heard for not voting is my ace...he doesn't want to register, but he didn't register for selective service and anything else...the differenc between him and them he'd be willing to run someone for office if he could find the right person.